Try . . .

try, try, try again.

After trying Weight Watchers 2017 PointsPlus program for four weeks and becoming extremely ill from it. I've been tying different diets.

I thought I had found a vegan nutritionist but they offered nothing but a chance to throw even more money down the drain.  Their $80 initial consultation equaled me taking off half a day of work to drive down there, they gave me absolutely no information, only an offer to put me on a pre-packaged weight loss program for $1,400 or individual sessions for $250 each.

This week is the most comfortable diet I've tried so far, it's the Dr Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live Six Week Weight Loss program.  It's so simple I don't need to keep a food diary, but I do need to eat a lot more than I have been this week so far.  I'm feeling very overwhelmed by life emotionally right now.

UNLIMITED:

Every day aim to eat about
- 1 lb raw vegetable salad
- 1 lb cooked vegetables
- 1 cup of beans, legumes, sprouts, or soy protein
- 4 servings of fruit

LIMITED:

Daily averages not more than
- 1 cup starchy cooked veg or whole grains
- 2 oz avocado
- 1 oz dried fruit
- 1 oz nuts and seeds
- 1 Tbl (1/2 oz) ground flaxseeds
- 1 cup caffeine tea

ELIMINATE:

Avoid these foods
- Dairy
- Processed food
- Between meal snacks
- Sugar and sweeteners
- Oils
- Salt
- Soda

I will weigh, and measure myself tomorrow.

PointsPlus

Yes, I'm trying Weight Watchers again.  This time with a friend from work who seems less than motivated; but hopefully we will encourage each other.

I'm excited to start, although I must say I have been having a rough start due to technical issues being able to enter the website and the phone app.

Fingers crossed I will stay motivated and reach goal which is a higher than I ever aimed for in the past, still within the healthy range though.

It seems to be a low fat, low carbohydrate diet, high protein, that makes me nervous as a vegetarian but I'm giving it a try.  Also find myself being so afraid to use points that I have a whole bunch still to use at the end of the day and then I choose to eat candy, that seems like a bad choice.  We'll see how things balance out.

Official starting weight 226.2
Goal weight for end of month is 222
First 5% goal is loss of 11 pounds
Goal weight is either 136 or 145 (instead of 127 as in the past)

Current clothing size is Women's XL and even 1X

UPDATE:  Following the 2017 WeightWatchers program for four weeks did see a 9-lb weight loss but it also resulted in becoming very ill, probably reactive hypoglycemia but I have not been to the doctor so that is only my speculation.  Have stopped following this program and am experimenting with other weight loss programs from books I already own.

Greedy

Now that i've been following weight watchers for long enough that I'm over the big hunger adjustment, and taking vitamins long enough to keep me feeling more satiated and stronger, and just feeling as if I'm taking better care of myself generally, now I'm starting to feel greedy to lose weight. Thats a good place to be.

But frustratingly, because of all the work stress I have this this time of year, every year, I gained a pound and a half.  That is very discouraging.  When I was working and trying so hard to be good.

Plus I cannot get over Manchester, I am still grieving him everyday, it just gets stronger instead of fading.  I have to pray constantly to get over my anxiety of losing him.  I just adored him.  Dear God if you take Manchester away from me you had better have someone a lot better in store for me, to replace him, because I knew him only 2 months, and my heart is just aching for him.  I don't know what to do.

I'm moving in two different directions simultaneously.  I have to pray at least once a day to calm down the anxiety in my heart that means I decided I might convert to Catholicism. Again turning to god as life becomes painful and disappointing again.  Then I am desperate to find someone as nice as him or better, so that means I am dating as many men at one time as I possibly can.  It's taking all my time and I think I don't like any of them very well.  I would rather spend the time with my family but I don't dare break up with any of them men because I'm feeling so desperately needy.

I have to keep thanking god that this happened, because if I don't I could waste too much time over someone who maybe thinks I'm annoying or who hates me, and I could be mooning over someone who doesn't even like me. or at least doesn't like me enough. I have to get over him. I have to move on. I spent over half my life mourning idiot First Love and ruined a potentially very good relationship with second boyfriend because I was still stuck on First Love, I'm so stupid.  I was so stupid.  Now I have to learn from that mistake, I have to believe it happened for the best, and move on with optimism that all will be as good or better in future.  The future is bright.  Thank you god.

Rejoined!

I rejoined Weight Watchers!  I've felt a lot more settled lately, my shoulder is almost completely healed, and so the time is right.

I just have to stay focused on my goal, the goal of feeling as good and self-confident as I did 2 years ago at this time.

m{""":)_AQ8  --doggy entry translation: 
I changed your fb status; you're in a relationship with me.

This year they want us to follow a program where we don't count points, just choose from certain foods and eat as much as we like for the first 2 weeks.  It's a nice idea, I wanted to try it in the past but never did, so like the opportunity to try it now.

Goal weight is in the 130s.  Thank you god for helping me to be slim and healthy and stay slim and healthy for the rest of my life.

Weight Watchers weigh-in on May 3 was 207 lbs.  This morning my homescale was 202.5 lbs.  I can't find my lovely, perfect, treasured Omron scale but when and if I do (if I didn't accidently sell it with all my other belongings) then I will add that data to this blog along with my measurements.

Redux

Alright, its time to get back to business.  I need to have a plan and this is it.  I'll base it on the Weight Watchers plan, without joining Weight Watchers.

Keeping it simple:

-most importantly, undressed, high-nutrition vegetables and fruits are free, no calories counted, unlimited portions.  No excuse to ever be hungry.
-every day the calorie limit is 880-1040 counted calories.
-every week there is an optional, additional 1960 calories over the daily limit, to be used throughout the week or even all in one day!
-aim to drink 6 cups of water per day or more.
-aim to be vegan when reasonable.
-aim to plan 7 meals to grocery shop every week.
-any and all exercise will increase weekly weight loss.
-aim to lose 1+ lb per week.

I need a little notebook that will fit in my purse, to keep track of everything I eat and drink.

I am going to have two jars and fill one with one stone for every pound I aim to lose.  As I lose weight I'll move the stones from the before jar to the after jar.

Recording current weight and measurements.  I am going to get down to a sexy, attractive weight again where I feel confident and more valuable.  Even as offensive and superficial as it sounds there is the truth that people remark that women who are thin are in a better "league".

My one year of goals must be adjusted - redone.  Goal weight is 127-145 lbs.   Stopping when I feel satisfied that I can maintain that weight comfortably for all of my life.  Remember: 115-121 lbs is 18-23% body fat.

- - - - - - - One Year of Goals - - - - - - - - - - - -
January 2014 = 197 lbs.
March 2014 = One quarter (-13 lbs) = 184 lbs.
May 2014 -One third (-17.3 lbs) = 180 lbs.
June 2014= First -10% (-20 lbs.) = 177 lbs.
July 2014 = One half (-26 lbs) = 171 lbs.
September 2014 = Two thirds (-34.7 lbs) = 162 lbs.
October 2014 = Second -10% (-18 lbs.) = 159 lbs.
October 2014 = -Three quarters (-39 lbs) = 158 lbs
January 2015 = -Four quarters (-52 lbs) = 145 lbs.
January 2015 = Third -10% (-16 lbs) = 143 lbs.
May 2015 = Fourth -10% (-14 lbs) = 129 lbs.
July 2015 = Fifth -10% (-13) = 116 lbs.

- - - - - - - One Year by Month - - - - - - - - - - - -
January 2014 = 196 lbs or 14 stone.
February 2014 = 191 lbs or 13 stone 9 lbs.
March 2014 = 186 lbs or 13 stone 4 lbs.
April 2014 = 182 lbs or 13 stone.
May 2014 = 178 lbs or 12 stone 10 lbs.
June 2014 = 173 lbs or 12stone 5 lbs.
July 2014 = 169 lbs or 12 stone 1 lb.
August 2014 = 165 lbs or 11 stone 11 lbs.
September 2014 = 160 lbs or 11 stone 6 lbs.
October 2014 = 156 lbs or 11 stone 2 lbs.
November 2014 = 152 lbs or 10 stone 12 lbs.
December 2014 = 147 lbs or 10 stone 7 lbs.
January 2015 = 143 lbs or 10 stone 3 lbs.
February 2014 = 139 lbs or 9 stone 13 lbs.
March 2015 = 134 lbs or 9 stone 8 lbs.
April 2015 = 130 lbs or 9 stone 4 lbs.
May 2015 = 126 lbs or 9 stone.
June 2015 = 121 lbs or 8 stone 9 lbs.
July 2015 = 116 lbs or 8 stone 4 lbs.

KEY:

Obese = 188+ lbs. (My BMI obese is 175+ lbs.)

Overweight = 155-187 lbs. (My BMI overweight is 145-174 lbs.)

Average Large = 134-154 lbs. (My BMI normal large is 132-144 lbs.)

Average Medium = 124-133 lbs. (My BMI normal medium is 120-131 lbs.)

Average Small = 112-123 lbs. (My BMI normal small is 108-119 lbs.)

Mother

Its been a full moon the last 2 nights and all of a sudden I now have Restless Leg Syndrome; this finally forced me to go to the doctor.   With a combination of the constant pain from my rotator cuff, always being tired, and now restless leg syndrome causing constant pain, I finally decided to see my doctor.

However it was not my doctor who helped me figure out what caused the restless leg syndrome, that was my mom.   Mom suggested I'm so tired all the time because I need iron.  I looked up restless leg syndrome and one of the web pages said that it is often associated with iron deficiency.  So I took iron supplements and the resless leg syndrome disappeared for about 6 hours.   Then I woke up in the middle of the night needing more iron, but taking more iron then caused nausea.

Also taking iron causes constipation, so I will have to buy a stool softener tomorrow too.  Lovely discussion on a blog, huh?  But its important to figure out all these parts of what is going on.

The other thing I learned at the doctor's office is that I've gained 7 pounds since I joined Weight Watchers 4 weeks ago.  That's almost 2 lbs a week -- and -- while taking liver cleanse detox supplements, tumeric supplements for swelling, and arnica supplements to help my shoulder heal!  That's after losing 2 pounds the first week!!   So that is disturbing and definately tells me I'm doing something wrong.  So I did start writing down everything I'm eating and I did go grocery shopping to make sure I have some good healthy foods, and I did go walking 3 times today too.  So I'm trying to fight the good fight, please help me god.  Honestly . . . please help me god!

I don't know why I've been gaining weight at such an alarming rate when it seems like I'm not eating enough and I'm taking herbal cleanse detox supplements, but maybe its just that my overall nutrition is so depleted that my body is just going crazy looking for the nutrients it needs.  Dr Joel Fuhrman writes that one should never do a detox when what is really needed is to build up nutrient reserves.  Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong.  Otherwise, I have no idea what is going on but I know I need a good nutritionist.

Oh and guess what advice my doctor gave me, she said I need to lose weight.  Duh!!!  So how much do I weigh? As of today I weigh 188.3 lbs and wear size 16!!!  Crazy!!   When I started school in Sept 2012 I was so healthy, my dog was so healthy, my parents were relatively healthy.  Then I started school and there was so much school work, I was always so tired that I stopped exercising and started living on coffee and chocolate.  It has cost me so much.  The 2 years in 10-months schooling cost more than my Bachleors Degreee and it damaged my rotator cuff.  It was such a HUGE!!! mistake.  I so regret it.  I'm so mad at that decision now.  I hate the world right now.  And all it did was delay dealing with my the pain of the divorce and losing First Love.  What a way to hobble myself.  Grrrrrr.

Divorced

Wow!  A whole month of no posts, and a whole month of no weight loss, in fact a 1.2 lb weight gain.  I'm still on track with my 6-month plan but only because I was 6 lbs ahead.  Now I'm really going to have to hustle and be very vigilant about sticking to a weight loss program and also begin exercising too.

The last post I wrote about my first love, but the ironic part is the date I wrote that was the day of my final divorce hearing.  On August 28, 2012 I became a divorcee.  I didn't know how I would react to that. But now time has passed and I can tell you.  I am desperate to start dating someone.  I want sex like crazy.  So I'm on 4 different dating sites and emailing more than 4 different men at a time.  Some in this past month have fallen away and some have stayed but always juggling about 4 or more at a time.

I also started Massage School one week after the divorce.  Its a 10 month course and I'm doing ok except I'm very tired and not studying enough and getting behind at work with all my on-line dating and school and work mixed up activities.

First love is still dating the woman he threw me over for in July.  That still breaks my heart.  But I'm trying to believe its for the best, or that if not, we'll get back together.  Although the longer his relationship lasts with the ugly raggedy ann red-headed he-woman that he dates, the less attractive he becomes to me.  Still breaks my heart but its as if her stink just covers him more and more -- sort of like clingy cigarette tar smoke.

So anyway after a month of not tracking I'll start again as of yesterday.  And here are my body statistics too.  October 2 official Weight Watchers weigh in 146.8 lbs.  Today October 3 homescale 141.5 lbs.  Omron scale 142.8 lbs, 24.5 BMI, 37.8% body fat, 25.7% muscle, need 1347 kcal to maintain this weight, 7 visceral fat.
Bust 40"
Rib 32"
Waist 34"
Hip 37-1/2"
Bicep 11-3/4" right
Thigh 20" right.

Tracking

I've been tracking everything I eat very carefully ever since I started Weight Watchers, and that has allowed me to be very careful about what I eat and successfully lose weight.

But last weekend I went crazy and First Love finally phoned me in distress, which hearing his voice, finally, was such a relief that I was finally able to let go of him.  But letting go of him, meant letting go of the reason for losing weight, it was letting go of all hope.   And today is the day of my final divorce hearing, and I am very, very, very nervous.

Today is also the day I begin massage school, so its the last day I was married and the first day of a new life being single again.  I cannot tell you how that distresses me.  I loved being married, even being in a bad marriage was better to me than being single.  For First Love to do this to me, to give me the motivation to divorce my husband in hope of something better with him, and then for him to desert me just before the divorce becomes final, that is such a cruel blow.

Partly I am grateful too, becuase if I am going to be divorced I want to face it with no other hope, I want to face it honestly and darkly and terrified that this might be the biggest mistake of my life.  It might be.

But apart from that honesty, that First Love should leave me deserted losing both him and my husband, its so cruel.  My true love left me once when I was young and I never got over him, then I finally found someone who I was able to keep some heat with and it wasn't as strong a love as with First Love but I was able to maintain some heat with him, I still do.  My consolation in a world without First Love.  But now First Love has gone and left me again, alone, without him, and without the only other person I was able to find any degree of happiness with.  It's just so unbearably cruel.

So left well and truely alone again by First Love.

Anyway this means for the first time since I started Weight Watchers I am struggling to track what I eat, and I have been eating way more than I should.  I'm shocked at how easy it is to eat so much more when I'm not keeping track.   It's so easy to eat too much.  It's too easy.  That's very worrying.  I want to lose so much more weight, how am I going to maintain it?

Well maybe after today I will start tracking religiously again.  With 4 months left I really need to start exercising too. It's the only way I'll make it.  Will also do an herbal cleanse in December to make sure all goes well.

Official July 29 Weight Watchers weigh-in is 145.6 lbs.  I have officially lost 3/4 of the total goal loss!  I've officially lost 75 lbs so far!!!!   That is terrific!!!! Homescale is 143.5 lbs. Measurements:
Bust 43"
Rib 32"
Waist 35"
Hips 39"
Bicep 12" right
Thight 19" right.

Nipper

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.  It's busy at work and all sorts of changes are in the works.  A time of transition.

I realized the other night that when I drive in my car I've been steering with one hand and pulling my seat belt as tight across my hips as I can with the other hand.  Then I realized it would feel really good to wear a corset.  Well corsets seem weird, like a fetish object, then I realize that dogs wear thunder shirts of thunder jackets to keep them calm during times of anxiety.  And the autistic Temple Grandin invented a squeeze box to calm cattle after making one for herself first and realizing how it helped her anxiety too.  So that's what I'm looking for that feeling of compression.  So i settled on a girdle.  Girdles are easier to find than corsets.

I bought a nice waist nipper girdle with no legs so its easy on and easy off, and I have to say it is one of the best things I've ever bought.  I just love it.  It really calms me down and makes me feel like I'm getting a big hug.  I love it.  I also like that its kind of a sexy piece of underwear too.  So i don't have to feel unattractive or weird in it at all.  In fact I can feel even sexier and more attractive.  I really, really love my waist nipper.  It is a really helpful item of clothing to own.

Official Weight Watchers weigh-in 149.2 lbs.  I have my period.  Homescale 148 lbs.  Omron scale 147.6 lbs, 25.3 BMI, body fat 39%, muscle 35.4%, need 1368 calories to maintain, 7 visceral fat.  

Stars

Perseid Meteor Shower August 12, 2012 in Yellow Springs, Ohio by John Chumack.

If you want to wish upon a star then you must stargaze this week, for the Perseid Meteor Shower was in full force this past weekend and continues through this week.   I give thanks to god, for helping me to successfully lose fat, and be slim, for leading me to the information I need, and for the will and desire to meet this goal.

Official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 147 lbs. (-26 lbs = GOAL!!!)  Homescale is 145.5lbs.   Omron scale is 147.2lbs, 25.3 BMI, 40.1% body fat = still OBESITY!! grrrrrrrrr, 24.5% muscle, need 1365 kcals to maintain this weight, 7 visceral fat.  August 16 measurements:
bust 40-3/4"
rib 32"
waist 36-1/2"
hips  38-1/4"
bicep 12" right
thigh 20-3/4"right.

Interview

I have a job interview today.  I went shopping last night for something to wear.   It's the first time I've shopped at a department store since I'm in my new smaller sizes, so I can say positively that I am a size Small, or Misses' size 8 (comfortably with room to spare) and size 6 (a little tight), and a size 38DD bra.  I can tell if I accidently pick up a size Medium shirt instead of size Small because they are so big.

But it's weird because my body shape looks the same, still very big tummy and fatty upper body.  I still need to lose another 30 pounds.  What clothes will fit me if I am already a size small, what will fit me when I lose that much more?  And I really do need to lose it too, because I'm still on the line between obesity and overfat body fat %.

I hope I get the job.   If I do I will move with the hope that my true love and I might get back together.  If we don't, I don't know what will become of me.  I'm afraid I'll lose my mind, quite seriously.

Oh dear god I pray to you to please, thank you, for bringing my true love and I together once and for all, for the rest of our lives.  Please even in despite of his anger at me for not moving there in 2011.   And then him making me feel so insecure in 2012; then leaving me completely, by dating someone else.

Official August 8 Weight Watchers weigh-in is 150.8 lbs.  Yesterday, August 6, I weighed 148, last night I weighed 149, today, August 7, homescale is 151 lbs. I ate about 600-800 calories yesterday!!!! You can't tell me stress doesn't make me gain weight! Grrrrrrr. Omron scale is 151.6 lbs. 26 BMI.  37.9% body fat.26.6 % muscle.  1393 kcals needed to maintain weight.  7 visceral fat.  And another thing, how am I getting into size 6 clothes with these Measurements:
bust 42.5"
rib 33.5"
waist 36.25"
hips 38.75"
bicep 12" right
thigh 21.25"right

Phantom

I'm living in the shadowlands between sanity and crazy, due purely to stress.  Trying so hard to hold it together and sometimes I think I'm doing fine.  Then I'll take a walk to calm down and give myself a good talking to and remind myself that rational human beings do not have real relationships with people who have started dating other people, have unfriended you on facebook, and do not reply to your emails.  That, I remind myself, has crossed the line into delusional crazyland of stalking.  So stop it, stop it now.

Stress in the past has caused me to gain weight, I knew that, but I thought that maybe I was eating poorly too.  But I track everythign that passes my lips and I know for a fact that I eat no more than 500-800 calories a day and walk at least 20 minutes to 2 hours a day, and I am still gaining a pound a day.  I went from 146 lbs last week, gaining a pound a day until now I weigh on my homescale 149 lbs.  I cannot tell you how much that pisses me off.

So yes, I look awful, harried.  I feel exhausted, no sleep.   I pray constantly and sometimes I believe that God is really answering my prayers.  Sometimes I think my one true love still cares for me, too -- maybe he worries about me, but his overall message is that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me.  So I have to step out of the shadows and face real life.  In real life my true love abondoned me, just like my husband abandoned me, for other women.  That is the harsh cold truth.

Sorry to say this but you need to face the truth, and you need to somehow get this project done at work, someway, on time so that you can relax again, and recouperate from a really difficult month.

July 31 official Weight Watchers weigh-in 148.6 lbs. What a relief, to be reminded that even when I'm worried and hard on myself that I'm actually doing better than I thought.   Homescale 148 lbs.  August 1 omron scale=148.2 lbs, 25.4 BMI, 40.2% body fat, 24.5% muscle,  need 1369 kcals to maintain weight, 7 visceral fat.  July 31 measurements:
Bust  41.5"
Rib 32.75"
Waist 36"
Hips 39"
Bicep 12.25"right
Thigh 20.5" right

Seconds

Well now that I've reached the line of between being close to average weight for my height and overweight, I have started to turn heads and receive differential treatment from men.  Today a man held a door open for me, and both women and men gave me a second look when they saw my silhouette.  It's odd but I don't mind it at this time of life, although it unnerved me when younger.

I enjoy dressing cute, in skirts and tops that hug closely enough to outline the contours of my new slimmer figure, without being too tight.  Hollywood costume designer Edith Head coined the rule: "A dress should be tight enough to show you are a woman but loose enough to prove you are a lady."

 I enjoy wearing sleeveless tops becuase they make me feel feminine and vulnerable.  I love summertime for wearing shorts and skirts with bare legs and lots of moisturizing lotion.  I wish I had a nice pair of low-heel sandals too but I bought the pair of platform sandals, even though I stopped wearing them as often.

Clothing size is interesting too now that I'm getting in the range of average weight.  Clothing sizes are changing faster, which I don't mind and makes me very glad to have discovered second hand clothing shops again.

Still need to lose 30 pounds but I enjoy my voluptuous figure now, and wonder if I'll look too thin then. I enjoy my curves, I think I have a kind of sexy shape in clothes.  The 30 pounds to go, I'm hoping that will trim my figure enough to look good in a bikini.  We'll see.

Today my official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 151 lbs. Omron scale is 150 lbs, 25.7 BMI, 41.2% body fat, 24% muscle, need 1377 kcals to maintain current weight, 8 visceral fat.  Measurements:
bust 43"
rib 32.75"
waist 36"
hips 39"
bicep 12.5"right
thigh 20.5"right

Great compliment of the week "I didn't recognize you. I recognized your brother and thought he had a hot date."  Homescale  July 24=148.5 lbs, July 26=146, July 27=147.5, July 28=148, July 29=148, July 30=149 lbs.

Miss

St Jude Thaddeus the Apostle

Prayer:  Saint Jude, we have problems in our relationship. Beg Almighty God to give us the light to see ourselves and each other as we really are. Help us to grow daily in self-knowledge and mutual love, while at the same time developing our potential to love and be loved. Help us, Saint Jude, to see and root out every manifestation of selfishness, vanity, and childish self-seeking -- those hidden enemies of love and maturity. Show us that by learning to love and being filled with love, we may complement and nurture each other as we share our lives together.  Amen.

Well for the third time in my life I've lost my appetite, and can't sleep at night.  The same cause each time.  The first time my true love broke up with me, the second time my true love moved away from me and we were apart for 25 years, now this time my true love stopped waiting for my divorce to become final to instead start dating someone he just met.

Since Wednesday I can't eat, I can't sleep.  I had large bowl of Irish oats and fruit for breakfast, 1/2 a cupcake for lunch and then I found out my true love started dating someone else.

 Even with that much food, I lost 4 pounds over night!!!! I went from 154 lbs on Wednesday to 150.5 lbs on Thursday.  And so far its stayed off, I imagine I might have lost a little more since then too but I didn't weigh myself today.

The Weight Watchers site already warns me about losing weight too quickly.  I'm glad to be losing weight though.  I just wish I could sleep.  I don't know what to do.  And today I did something that was more impetuous than well thought out.  I hate that -- it makes me feel a little crazy.  I'm fine really.  I just miss him so much.

Miss him.  And just as I dated my husband while he was still married; the man who recently struck at my heart is not my husband; this time I am married and he's who I'd like to be dating.  I am a Mrs wishing to be a Miss, but instead I'm amiss, missing my pure true love.

To calm down and sleep I prayed to St Jude and then watched on-line dharma talks of Thich Naht Hahn.  He gives the best, gentlest, easy to remember mindfulness practices and mantras.  To love and be there meditation.  1. Recognize his or her presence.  2. Learn two mantras: (breathe in) "Darling I'm here for you." (breathe out) "Darling I know you are there and I'm so happy."

p.s. Official July 17 Weight Watchers weigh-in 151.6 lbs -- which means I'm almost one month ahead of my 6-month goals.   Omron scale 150.8 lbs, 25.7 BMI, 42% body fat, 23.4% muscle, need 1380 kcals to maintain weight, visceral fat is 8.  Homescale July 16=149 lbs, July 17=149.5 lbs, July 18=150.5 lbs, July 19=149 lbs, July 20=151 lbs, July 23=148.5 lbs. Measurements:
Bust 41.5"
Rib 32.5"
Waist 36"
Hips 39.5"
Bicep 12.25"right
Thigh 20.5"right.

Armful

I am both really happy and yet still very frustrated.

I went to the store and tried on one size smaller bras and they fit fine.   38DD instead of 40DD (in 2010  I was wearing 42DD).  That is wonderful; so I bought 2 new bras and that is a great reward.

Also I went through my clothes and got rid of all plus size and XL size clothes, which is another great reward.  I have only size Medium and Large now.  Mostly I wear size Medium. I like wearing smaller sized clothes but they are lasting no longer than 1 year because of fat loss, which is nice but could be expensive if I wasn't buying mostly 2nd hand clothes.

My bra size is one size smaller but my bikini body looks, to me, exactly the same as when I was obese. In fact my body weight BMI is in the overweight category but my 43.1% body fat is still obese.  I'm glad that my clothing size is getting smaller, but hope I start to get a nicer looking figure soon.  And becuase I'm an apple shape it means I feel too blubbery to wear spaghetti strap tops which are really nice and cool.  That is one of my goals, to feel good wearing spaghetti straps.

Another reward spurred on by concern about my bikini body looks, is that I started using MSM supplements, body lotion, and soap.  MSM is a detoxifier and detoxification just might be making me feel a little cranky today, so I'll try to have more patience for myself.   I'm taking them to hopefully address the excess skin issue.  MSM is supposed to tighten up skin and help with elasticity of joints, its considered a beauty secret for gorgeous firm skin.  Fingers crossed it works.

Reading Dr. Fuhrman information I've figured out 3 things, to stop food cravings and hunger I need to eat food that provides excellent nutrition.  For repairing ill health and improving looks I need to detoxify through specific nutrients, sweating, moving around, massage, etc.  To manage my weight I need to learn how to eat to live, to learn how to comfortably eat less, following real hunger, and eating less than I desire by rote.

p.s. July 10, 2012 official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 155 lbs.  Homescale weight is 154 lbs. Omron scale is 154.6 lbs, 26.5 BMI, 42.2% body fat, 23.8% muscle, I need 1396 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8.  Measurements:
Bust 43"
Rib 33.75"
Waist  37"
Hips  39"
Bicep 12.5" right
Thigh 21.75" right

p.p.s. 11 July 154 lbs, 12 July 150.5 lbs, 13 July 150.5 lbs, 14 July 150.5 lbs.

Pearl

I am intentionally trying to cultivate grace.  I'm sure you've seen it in action, so you know what I mean.  When you meet someone who just has so much faith in god that they just believe or know or have just so regularly attributed all to an interventionist god that whatever happens to them, good or ill, they just accept it with serenity and believe it is all god's will.

The sort of people who swim half way between the material world and the spiritual world.  That is what I'm trying to cultivate, that serenity, that faith.

It's more than just serenity, though isn't it?  It's almost as if they believe god is on their side, watching out for them, and protecting them.  As if they are dancing in the palm of god.

Well whatever it is they have, I want to have it too.  So I'm trying to cultivate it somehow.  By choosing to attribute everything to god, and choosing to believe it all has meaning for me. As if the world has been almost designed for my edification, for my nurturance, for my benefit, personally.

There is a song in Dutch by Gerald Troost called "Een parel" that has been very calming to me even before I translated the lyrics.  The lyrics are actually a little embarrassing but I still like the song.   The deeper meaning goes along with the Buddhist idea of "one bright pearl" and the biblical scriptures:  "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." -Isaiah 41:10.  "See! I will not forget you.  I have carved you on the palm of my hand."  -Isaiah 49:15.

Een Parel (akoestisch) by Gerald Troost

You sit here alone
No man around you.
And the fear prevails
When you think about who you are
and who you'll ever have.

And nobody sees
your pain and sorrow.
And no man can give you
a purpose in your life.
Oh loneliness.

You are shouting to a friend
that you really understand.
Longs for a god who
frees your soul.
And in your dark night sounds
a voice very soft . . . .

You are a miracle.
You are special.
You are a jewel in god's hands.
He gives you love
which you desire.

Through all your tears,
He never leaves you alone.
Give him the space
in your pain.
He wants to be a father
for you.
You're a Pearl.

I kind of like this blog entry, its not perfect but its good.  Wrapt in her wings.  I don't wish for visions, that's the opposite of what I want. All I'm looking for really is some way to not go mad.  The turn of events is almost too much for me to accept, I keep hoping it will turn back to the way it was in 2011, because if not, I'm afraid its almost too much for me.

I'm frustrated that my weight is not going down as fast as I'd like.  So what does this mean?  I think it means that I need to eat more vegetables and fruit, and less dairy and processed foods.  I think it also means I really NEED to start doing weight resistance exercise.

This past week my weight has been as low as 155.5 and 156.5 but today my official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 157.2 lbs. REACHED -10%!!!!  The home scale weight is 157.5.   The omron scale weight is 158 lbs, 27.1 BMI, 43.1% body fat, 23.5% muscle, I need 1411 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8.  Measurements are:
Bust 42.5"
Rib  34.75"
Waist  36.5"
Hips  39.5"
Bicep 12.75"right
Thigh 21.5"right

p.s. July 4 homescale 155 lbs, July 5 = 155 lbs, July 6 = 155.5 lbs, July 7 = 155 lbs, July 8 = 155.5 lbs, July 9 = 154 lbs.

Doctor Doctor

My dear favorite Dr Fuhrman was on the Dr Oz show on June 4 introducing a 7-day crash diet. Part one. Part two. I'm going to try it.

Dr Fuhrman's website discussion page stated I should expect to detox when starting to eat this way, which means I might not feel so great this week, therefore do not start a new exercise regimen, more than just walking 30+ minutes per day, continuing what I'm already doing.

This is the 90% vegetable, fruit, beans, seeds, nuts, whole grain/10% oil, low-fat protein and dairy plan:
Breakfast: plain oatmeal with flax Seeds, BERRIES and fruit.
Lunch: Bean patties, soups, and dips with veggies.
Dinner: Greens and veggie stir-fry, pizza, salad, with ONIONS and MUSHROOMS.
Anytime:  shakes made with fruit juice, lemon juice, ice, water, and berries.

Beans are a dieters best friend because they keep you full, and are high in resistent starch, meaning that half the calories consumed can not be absorbed.  They reduce blood sugar, and create fatty acid butyrate which may burn fat faster.  Butyrate improves mitochondrial function in your cells, leading to a decrease in fat.

To flush fat from your body you need to release the toxins that are keeping you swollen with fat and fluid.  BERRIES, ONIONS, and MUSHROOMS are anti-angiogenic which means they starve fat cells by cutting off the  blood supply to fat cells, and by growing new capillary blood vessels.  The more you eat of these foods the more you will lose.

Also note:  Dr Joel Fuhrman suggests body fat of <23% for women, <12% for men.  From my start weight of 121, I aim to lose 100 lbs; but his suggested goal is 111-115 lbs.

Day 1, Sunday June 24, homescale 158.5 lbs.
B:  1/4 c Irish steel cut oats, 1 Tbl oat bran, 1 Tbl ground flax, 1/2 banana, 1 c berries.
L:  1/2 c. beans w/onion, [1 oz cheddar], tortilla, salad w/fat-free dressing, kiwi.
      My purse was stolen from my car.
D:  [1 Bisquick shortbread, 1 c frozen yogurt], strawberries, [ginger ale].

Day 2, Monday  June 25, homescale 158.5 lbs.
L:  [3 scoops Herbalife shake, protein bar]
D:  1/2 c beans w/onion, [1 oz cheese], tortilla, salad w/fat-free dressing.

Day 3,Tuesday June 26, homescale 157.5 lbs.
B: grapes
L:  [2 scoops Herbalife shake, german chocolate brownie]
D:  salad [w/6 croutons] and 2 Tbl fat-free dressing.
A:  [1/2 c. frozen yogurt] strawberries, grapes.
    I have to try harder, maybe extend the diet by 3+ days.

Day 4, Wednesday June 27, homescale 157.5 lbs.
B:  1/4 c Irish oats, 1 Tbl oat bran, 1 Tbl ground flax, 1 oz walnuts, 1/2 banana, 1/2 c berries.
L:  grapes.
D: [take-away Szechuan tofu and veg with 2 Tbl white rice. 1 fortune cookie.]

Day 5, Thursday June 28, homescale 155.5 lbs.
L:  baby carrots, cherries.
D:  [take-away Szechuan tofu and veg, 1 small carrot cake, 1 fortune cookie.]
A:  1/2 serving grape chia kombucha

Day 6, Friday June 29, homescale 157 lbs.
B: 1/4 c Irish oats, 1 Tbl oat bran, 1 Tbl ground flax, 1/2 banana, 1/2 c berries.
L:  1 c beans and onions, tortilla, [1 oz cheese, salsa, 3 diet root beers].
   Purse was found.
D:  6 oz almonds, [1 sundae drumstick, 1 c frozen yogurt].
A:  1 bunch grapes, 12 cherries.

Day 7, Saturday June 30, homescale 157.5 lbs.
B:  1/4 c Irish oats, 1 Tbl oat bran, 1 Tbl ground flax, 1/2 banana, 1/2 c berries.
L:  [microwave popcorn, 1-1/2 c frozen yogurt].
D:  salad w/2 Tbl fat-free dressing.
A:  kale chips, 1/2 frozen banana [dipped in chocolate] and nuts.

Day 8, Sunday July 1, homescale 156.5 lbs.
B:  lime greek yogurt.
L:  salad w/2 Tbl fat-free dressing, 2 cobs corn [w/1 tsp butter, 1/2 cupcake, 1 diet root beer].
D:  1 c ww spaghetti, 1/2 c veggie sauce, [1 Tbl parmesan], 1/2 c lima beans, salad w/1 Tbl fat-free dressing.
A:  3 kiwis.

Day 9, Monday July 2, didn't weigh.
B:  strawberries.
L:  [Herbalife protein shake.]
D:  [frozen Asian pot stickers meal w/rice, 1/4 of Jack's cheese pizza]
A:  frozen banana [dipped in chocolate] and nuts, salad w/2 Tbl fat-free dressing.

Summary:  I did not do so well.  My cravings got stronger, as Dr Fuhrman suggested they would.  So I'm going to try this diet another week, but this time I'll use Dr Fuhrman's books and menus for more variety of ideas of how to be good.  Also I'll rely on the DrFuhrman discussion boards for support too.  Really is important to me to crack this becuase even though I'm doing fine regarding calories and the Weight Watcher system, I see the inherent problem that might be a problem in future -- the problem of not addressing, well enough, improving nutrition. Also need to add weight resistence training, but like Dr Fuhrman suggests, don't worry about this yet, just work at getting over "toxic hunger" first.

p.s. The official Weight Watchers weight is 159.4 lbs for Tuesday June 26.  Omron scale is 158.8 lbs, 27.2 BMI, body fat 43.1%, muscle 23.6%, need 1414 kcal to maintain weight, visceral fat = 8.  Measurements:
Bust 42.5"
Rib 34.75"
Waist 37.25"
Hips 40"
Bicep 12.5" right
Thigh 21.75" right

p.p.s.Last week my WW leader said "You're in the 150's!" and I kept repeating that to myself all week.  This week my workmate who goes to WW with me told me that her 12-year old son said this about me "That skinny lady is really nice."  So you can imagine how happy that makes me.  I'll be repeating that as often as I can!!

Focus

Two years ago I friended on Facebook the person I refer to as "my true love".  He has asked me to focus on him less, and when I've asked to see him, he does not agree to seeing me, in fact he got out of previous plans we'd made.  He is gentle and doesn't want to be mean but it appears that he also doesn't want to encourage me.

Anyway two years ago when we first started writing there were several things he was looking for in a relationship that I had to try to change into or agree to in order to be what he was looking for.  They were things I liked and wanted to be, but still at the time, it stuck in my craw a little bit, that he would have specific wishes in a relationship, that if I wasn't those things already that I'd have to change to be them for him.  Truely I didn't begrudge what he wished for, but I begrudged that I would need to change, that irritated my ego.

- He stated that he wanted someone who would not miss living without a television.
- Someone who practices his faith.
- He is attracted to very slim women.  Someone who is active and healthy.  Someone to go hiking and camping with in the mountains.  Curious and adventurous to explore the world with.
- Literature, art and music are very important to him.

So anyway here I am wondering what I would ideally like in a relationship?  So that's what this post is about.

1. I love my dog so I would want someone to be gentle and indulgent of him, sharing the care of him with me.  Taking him on walks when I can't, for the rest of his life letting him sleep on the bed like he always has. Playing with him to show him care and consideration you would any family member.  Not ignoring him and treating him like a slave dog, the way most people treat pets.

2. I would want a non-smoker, non-druggy, non-gambling; and mostly non-drinker except maybe for special occasions. I would someone who would be monogamous, faithful to me, forsaking all others.  Someone who is stable and well-grounded, careful with and grateful for his life and resources.

3. I would like him to be involved in faith-based community, as long as it was a faith that didn't push their ideas on everyone else.  A nice supportive group that helped each other and the world. Charitable.

4. I would like him to have good taste in music, music that I enjoy and appreciate.

5. I would like him to be healthy and have an interest in regular physical activity, gentle but striving for  challenges too.

6.  I would like him to have good taste in art and decoration, to appreciate the finer things in life, but the authentic finer things, not for show, but real, intrinsic value.  Well made objects, well designed.

7. I would like him to challenge me to be the best I could be without pushing me, more like dangling a carrot encouraging me.

8. I would like to be someone that he would delight in, and who he would continue be attracted to: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, every way.  I'd like to be this true love too, his helpmate, because what I would like is a sense of belonging with him, of being treasured and loved, a united family, each of us looking out for the best interests of the other.

So I just described the man who I refer to as "my true love"; except for number 8, I don't know if I am that for him.  I wish and hope I am.

p.s. On June 18 my home scale weight was 159!!!!! lowest so far!!!! Measurements over clothes were:
Bust 43-1/4" Rib 35-1/2"  Waist 36" Hips 40-1/2" Bicep 12-3/4"right Thigh 22" right.

p.p.s.  On Tuesday June 19 my official Weight Watchers weight is  159.8 lbs. WW Leader said "You're in the 150's!"  Good progress but I am worried by Omron body fat % is obese, and kcals to maintain weight keep getting lower. I need to lose 6 lbs per month. NEED to lose 6 lbs per month.

Home scale weight is 160.  Omron scale is 160.4 lbs, 27.5 BMI, 43.3% body fat (32+% = obese, 21-24%=fit) , 23.6% muscle, need 1422 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8 (5-8 = healthy).  Measurements:
Bust 42"
Rib 34-3/4"
Waist 38-1/4"
Hips 40"
Bicep 12-1/2"right
Thigh 21-1/2"right

N'ever

Every weigh-in at Weight Watchers is the same, I have no idea if the scale is going to show whether I have lost weight or not.  This week I did really well at eating fewer number of points per day than the 26 minimum required, but then on Saturday I ate 75 pistachios that used up those leftover points and some weekly points too.*  Every morning I weighed myself and was 160 lbs, then Sunday and Monday I weighed 164 lbs!

[*UPDATE:  Read the label on the pistachios container and discovered 49 pistachios is one ounce serving of 140 calories, so I seriously over-counted the number of points for what I actually ate.  I have to go back and re-figure out that whole week.  I'm eating way under (12-20 WW points per day) the 26 WW points I should eat each day and so I don't know why I'm not losing weight faster, the only thing I can figure out is that again I've been super stressed lately -- that always makes me gain weight.]

To make it worse I was going to eat no points on Monday to make sure the weight loss would still show up, but there was a family birthday and I made dinner and ate some too: whole wheat spaghetti with marinara, peas with butter, salad with fat-free dressing, plus angel food cake with fat-free frosting and raspberries.  That meant I used up all my points in one meal!  Monday night I measured my waist and it was 38", up an inch and a half too!!

Oddly, I have sciatica pain for two days too, and there is no reason for it, and its on the right side where I never had it before.  According to Louise Hay sciatica is about being hypocritical, fear of money and the future.  Pain is about guilt, because guilt always seeks punishment.  Right side of the body is about giving out, letting go, masculine energy, men, father.  Chant affirmations:  "All my relationships are loving and harmonious.  I release any desperation and allow love to find me.   I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied. I know that I deserve love and accept it now.  The more grateful I am the more reasons I find to be grateful.  I prosper wherever I turn."

Fat is about oversensitivity; represents fear and shows a need for protection. Fear may be a hidden anger and resistance to forgive.  Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self-rejection and seeking fulfillment.  Fat arms are anger at being denied love.  Fat belly anger at being denied nourishment.  Chant affirmations:  "I am safe.  It is safe to feel.  My feelings are normal and acceptable.  I love and approve of myself and I trust the process of life.  I am safe. I now discover how wonderful I am.  I choose to love and enjoy myself."

So I don't know what will happen with the weigh-in today.  It will piss me off if I show no weight loss considering that I always eat less than half my weekly points, and get exercise almost every day.  Who knows?  The scale is beyond logic, at least beyond my logic.  I must lose 6+ lbs per month!

I do know that I have to add weight resistance exercises in order to build muscle, to need more kcals per day, and also because a fitness trainer explained that although aerobic exercise continues to burn fat for 2-3 hours after exercising, weight lifting continues to burn fat for 1-2 days after exercising.

So Tuesday official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 164 lbs, up .4 lbs.  GRrrrrr
My first thing in the morning home scale is 163 lbs. Omron scale is 163.8 lbs, 28.1 BMI, 43.4% body fat, 23.9% muscle, visceral fat is 9, and need to eat 1438 kcals per day to maintain my weight.  Measurements:
Bust 44.25"
Rib 35"
Waist 36.75"
Hips 40.5"
Bicep 12.5"right
Thigh 21.5"right  

Tuesday

Tuesday, today, is Weight Watchers weigh-in day.  The program works and I like it,  a lot.  Today on my home scale I weighed 160 lbs, which is lowest weight to date.  But I'm sure to weigh more at the official Weight Watchers meeting.

Official Weight Watchers meeting weight is 163.6 lbs. Loss of 2.4 lbs since last week, total loss of 10.6   lbs since joining WW (start weight 174.2 lbs on May 1); and 57.6 lbs since starting this in Aug 2010.

I'm very pleased this program is working.  I hope it continues to work down to and beyond my goal weight of 121 lbs.  I will lose 100+ pounds total,  I started at 221 lbs following loosely a 1500 calorie a day diet.  When I reached the boundary line between overweight and obese I stalled there at between 167 lbs and 172 lbs.  For over 6 months I kept gaining and losing the same 5 pounds.  That made sense because to maintain that weight I needed to eat around 1480 calories a day.  But until I joined Weight Watchers, I couldn't figure out how to reduce calories anymore.  It already felt too light, still feeling hunger.

I hope that I will continue to lose weight following the Weight Watchers program, lower than 121 pounds.  Because if there is ever any hope that I might ever win my one true love back, then I need to be able to maintain a weight of less than 121 pounds of the rest of my life.  That's due to my BMI, and his. He is slender and tall but muscular and I have always been a little bit softer than him.  In college my jean size was larger than his and that always bothered me.  I need to be a smaller jean size than him.  I need a smaller torso, to feel attractive.

When I met my husband I weighed around 130 and felt thinner than I've ever felt in my life.  I liked the way my breasts looked and my torso.  I thought I looked really good.  But that was after losing 20-25 pounds and I realize now that when I lose weight its hard for me to see myself objectively.  I just feel thinner and that is good enough.   This time I really need to make it to actually, honestly being slim.   Please god help me; thank you for helping me reach and maintain my goal range of 115-121 lbs.

The saddest part of course is what if I have already lost my true love for a second time?  Would that mean it was just a stupid obsession on my part; not real true love afterall? Does that mean all my life I've been kidding myself?  That is such a scarey prospect.  Would that mean I can't ever have loved anyone really?  Or how can I have fooled myself so completely about being in love?  My true love, I love you.

June 6 Omron scale:  161.6 lbs, 27.7 BMI, 44.6% fat, 22.8% muscle, need 1425 kcal to maintain current weight, 9 visceral fat. -- really need to build up muscle! Measurements:
Bust 44"
Rib 34"
Waist 36.5"
Hips 40"
Bicep 13" right
Thigh 22.25"right