Village

It takes a village to get me being healthy again.

For my birthday one friend bought me sexy underwear from Torrid.  Its really nice quality and I don't hate the way I look in it.  It inspired me.

Then a second friend showed me her new corset and sent me links to corset sites.  So i bought three! Haven't received them yet, but toying with the idea of doing corset training as made famous by Kim Kardashian. 

Its a form of body modification that involves moving the lower ribs in a little bit and rearranging your organs a bit, so you have to understand what you are doing and ear clean otherwise it could cause serious pain and possible injury.

So a third friend suggested I start eating clean right away instead of waiting till corsets arrive.  So did that!

Coincidently a fourth friend suggested we start walking on out lunch hour.  So we did three times last week.  Each day I was more tired than the previous day, it was clear I am very out of shape.

Just from eating clean and walking I lost 2 pounds.
From 221 pounds on Wednesday Jan 20
to 219 pounds on Saturday Jan 23.
Then i got the flu on Sunday and ate nothing,
Monday I took a day off work and when i tried eating had diarrhea, which though disgusting, meant I lost another 4 pounds
when I weighed myself on Tuesday  Jan 26 down to 215.
This morning January 28 I am down to 214.6 pounds.

When I measured my waist for a corset it was 42.5" before I started eating clean and walking.  Will report more as I measure and weigh self again!

Love, love, love becoming slim again!!!!

p.s. Plus I didn't mention the biggest motivator for wanting to lose weight is to be sexy for a particular boyfriend again, I'll refer to him as Mack.  That was what motivated me to want to lose weight in the past too when I was successful; but this time its a different man, the only other man who has motivated me to want to lose weight.  That means something.  I want him to meet my parents, I want to learn about my parents, I want to be the best I can be for him.  I haven't ever felt exactly like this before. It is a singular reaction to a singular man.

Friday Jan 29 up to 215.6 pounds
Saturday Jan 30 up to 216.2 pounds

Sunday jan 31 down to 216 pounds

Monday feb 1 down to 215.2pounds

Tuesday feb 2 down to 215 pounds

Wednesday feb 3 down to 213.8 pounds.

UPDATE:  Returned all three corsets even though they were very pretty, very pretty! But due to feeling embarrassed for having them, and they didn't give me the wasp waist I sought.  Have since bought two corsets that I can wear underclothing and give me the waist I was hoping for.

Greedy

Now that i've been following weight watchers for long enough that I'm over the big hunger adjustment, and taking vitamins long enough to keep me feeling more satiated and stronger, and just feeling as if I'm taking better care of myself generally, now I'm starting to feel greedy to lose weight. Thats a good place to be.

But frustratingly, because of all the work stress I have this this time of year, every year, I gained a pound and a half.  That is very discouraging.  When I was working and trying so hard to be good.

Plus I cannot get over Manchester, I am still grieving him everyday, it just gets stronger instead of fading.  I have to pray constantly to get over my anxiety of losing him.  I just adored him.  Dear God if you take Manchester away from me you had better have someone a lot better in store for me, to replace him, because I knew him only 2 months, and my heart is just aching for him.  I don't know what to do.

I'm moving in two different directions simultaneously.  I have to pray at least once a day to calm down the anxiety in my heart that means I decided I might convert to Catholicism. Again turning to god as life becomes painful and disappointing again.  Then I am desperate to find someone as nice as him or better, so that means I am dating as many men at one time as I possibly can.  It's taking all my time and I think I don't like any of them very well.  I would rather spend the time with my family but I don't dare break up with any of them men because I'm feeling so desperately needy.

I have to keep thanking god that this happened, because if I don't I could waste too much time over someone who maybe thinks I'm annoying or who hates me, and I could be mooning over someone who doesn't even like me. or at least doesn't like me enough. I have to get over him. I have to move on. I spent over half my life mourning idiot First Love and ruined a potentially very good relationship with second boyfriend because I was still stuck on First Love, I'm so stupid.  I was so stupid.  Now I have to learn from that mistake, I have to believe it happened for the best, and move on with optimism that all will be as good or better in future.  The future is bright.  Thank you god.

What matters most

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD 

AS BEING SKINNY FEELS!

Reverence

Starting this minute I am replacing bad eating habits for healthy eating habits forever.

Starting this minute I am replacing inertia with regular activity forever.

 I am grateful that god loves me so much to make me slim and healthy forever.

I am slim and healthy and grateful to god as my slender figure is revealed forever.

Gown

I need a specific goal to keep me motivated to make good choices everyday to lose fat and be slim.  I've got a plan that is drastic but helps me look forward with both a little hope and a lot of trepidation. I'm going to have the goal of losing enough weight to fit into my mothers wedding dress.

That way if I would ever be lucky enough to marry again, I'd have something sentimental, traditional, and at almost no cost.   I don't know if I can even find Mom's wedding dress, last time I looked I didn't know where it was, but I'll try to find it and in the meantime make that my fitness goal.

I have been feeling very, very lazy lately and I discovered its becuase I'm so very obese right now.  It makes me feel tired to be obese, tired and lazy.  That's why its been so hard to force myself to do anything even though I have a lot of desire and ambition.

The reason this goal is both hopeful and scarey is because I'm acknowledging that I'd like to marry again.   But this blog is anonymous so it shouldn't matter if I announce it here.  I would be embarrassed to admit to people who know me though. 

Please wish me luck in finding the dress, and then carrying on with my goal to fit into it.  Thank you.

p.s. on June 2 I found out First Love is getting remarried, his 4th or 5th marriage.

Spo

When struggling to reduce my appetite . . .

Water will

• increase metabolism (cold water)
• fill you up (hot water)
• aid in weight loss
• flush out toxins
• give you healthier skin
• help digestion and constipation
• relieve fatigue
• improve overall health
• and all for 0 calories!

Pamper yourself.  Whenever you feel the urge to eat, do something to yourself that will make you feel or look better. You can do your nails, get a massage, do your hair, soak in a bubble bath with candles and classical music, read a good book in a comfy spot, pick flowers for your pamper time, light candles, use a masque, floss and brush your teeth, take a nap, etc.

1. Keep a thinspiration book. Get a really nice journal and print pictures of skinny models, tips, quotes, or workouts, and glue it in there. Look through it whenever you want to binge.
2. Keep a stack of magazines weighing the same amount you want to lose. When you lose weight remove some magazines from the stack. It will be thinspirational to see that pile slowly start to get smaller. Use fashion magazines so that they also can inspire you as you remove as you lose.
3. Eat on a blue or black plate. Dark colors usually make you feel fuller, faster. Better yet, eat on small dark plates.
4. When you want to eat something you shouldn't, make a list of all the reasons you shouldn't, and read it at least 20 times.
5. When you get a craving, count to 100 really slowly, and it might pass. Dr's say that counting changes the minds direction in thought.
6. If you live by yourself, put up motivational pictures or numbers on the unsafe foods. Stick your goal weight on the wall or on your favorite jar of peanut butter or jelly.
7. Get one of those three ring binders and make a section for each part of the body. Put all the exercises you've got in there according to what body part there for.
8. Pick one healthy snack food for the day, look under the fat burning food section or you can eat something like an apple. Cut it into 4 quarters. Eat one part with breakfast, one with lunch, one with dinner, and you've got one left over for a snack.
9. Take a Polaroid picture or a cell phone picture of yourself wearing nothing but your underwear. When you want to binge, look at it, and see all that fat that you need to get rid of? Carry it in your wallet or phone whenever you go somewhere where there will be food.
10. If you live by yourself and prone to binges, buy only the food you need for the day. That way if you eat it, there isn't anymore.
11. Eat with the opposite hand you normally do. Left handed people eat with their right hand, and vice versa.
12. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. You'll train yourself not to think about eating.
13. ALWAYS DO A CLEANSE TO CLEAN OUT YOUR BODY
14. Clean something gross the bathroom when you want to eat.
15. Wear tight jeans or skirt so you remember how much weight you have to lose. Always keep a pair that is too small for this!
16. When eating out, pour tons of something gross on the portion of your food that you don't want to eat,  like salt or pepper so you can't eat it.
17. If you get really bad headaches it could possibly be from dehydration so drink lots of water. Take multi-vitamins and sport drinks.
18. Eat in front of the mirror. Eat in front of the mirror naked and see how much you want to eat then.
19. Drink herbal teas. They have no calories. If you don't like them unsweetened, buy some stevia, its like sugar, but no calories.
20. When you get the urge to eat chew sugar free gum. Just make sure you keep track of how much you have. Most kinds have 5 calories a piece.
21. Freeze your foods. I freeze fruits and yogurts and flavored ice cubes. Frozen yogurts take forever to eat so you feel occupied longer.
22. When you go to a restaurant order something that's not too unhealthy. Put half of to the other side of the plate and save it for lunch tomorrow. If you forget to ask them to bag it or forget to take it with you don't worry. Or cut your plate in half and push the other half to the other side of the plate, then cover it with something gross like salt and pepper.
23. Eat earlier in the day, be sure to have breakfast and lunch or early dinner, but never eat supper cause if you eat supper you don't give your body enough time to burn off the calories. Finish the last bit of eating at least four hours before you go to sleep. This way your metabolism will burn it up before you get into bed.
24. Go shopping and try on clothes that you wish you could fit you and that should keep you focused and on track of your goals.
25. Pinch all your fat if you want to eat and see how disgusting it is and then you'll think that if you eat you'll just add more to it and you don't want that.
26. Go to your kitchen and take all the bad foods that you want to avoid binging on, please just go and throw them away.
27. Make sure you get enough calcium. Take your vitamins.
28. If you sit a lot every hour get up and go crazy start doing knee lifts with your arms up or some jumping jacks and toe touches or jumping stupidly or anything like that it will boost your metabolism for a little.
29. Stay away from food and the kitchen.
30. Have you ever noticed that most people who you see eating are fat? Well remember this, if you eat like them you'll be as fat as them.
31. Try to plan how much your going to eat and what. There's a 30% more chance you wont over eat then.
32. Look at super models do they look like they eat? They eat very small meals many times a day but small meals girl!!
33. A calorie is a calorie so it doesn't matter what kind you eat just eat under 1000 and you'll lose weight. 3500 calories equal a lb!
34. Make a meal plan with all the days and put the limit of calories you'll allow yourself to after you eat write down what you ate. Keep a food diary
35. To keep a binge from coming go outside and go for a walk, do 20 push ups and then 20 jumping jacks after you won't feel like eating anymore. Better yet, do them in front of the mirror. If you see what moves up and down you wont feel like eating as much.
36. To boost your metabolism and keep you feeling full drink several green tea's each day.
37. Every dieter should eat greens and take mineral supplements... eat your veggies.
38. Two tablespoons of vinegar before the meal helps speed up your digestive system and also keeps you from feeling any reflux.
39. Caffeine is great ~ it decreases appetite you can use other types of caffeine products like guarana.
40. Peppermints or peppermint teas are a great appetite suppressant.
41. Diet soda is not the best thing to drink while calorie restricting you should drink plenty of water and other non- caloric healthy stuff.
42. Keep moving' ~ Try to keep moving as much as possible.  Every calorie burned counts.
43. Don't eat fast/ chew very slowly to let your body know you ate. If you have to chew each piece for several seconds.
44. Eat seaweed or kelp pills ~ they say it boosts the metabolism.
45. Don't slouch, try to sit up straight ~ you burn more calories and tighten your tummy that way.
46. Dress accordingly, when you are thin you should carry something with you to keep from shivering in the cold.
47. Lack of sleep stimulates your appetite. It is proven that most people who sleep at least 6 hours a day lose more weight and are less hungry.
48. Spicy foods boost the metabolism.
49. Eat catabolic, negative calorie foods. Fat Burning Foods
50. Eat lots of celery ~celery is filled with water and because it is chewy it burns more calories than most non caloric foods.
51. Drink at least 8 glasses of water per day. Our bodies and world is mostly made up of water... You need it to survive!!
52. Munch on ice cubes to get rid of the cravings of chewing.
53. Take it slow when eating it takes 20 minutes for the stomach to realize it is full.
54. Eat lots of fiber ~ expands in your stomach to create a full feeling.
55. Don't eat in front of the television or on your bed or on the computer ~ concentrate on the food while you eat ~ you get more satisfied.
56. Eat vegetarian as much as possible. They make all fake meats and cheeses now.
57. Do 50 sit ups every morning ~ it will raise your metabolism and makes your stomach and chest look better not to mention your arms.
58. Cabbage makes you lose weight but can be smelly!!
59. Strawberries, cherries and blueberries are low in calories and boost the metabolism. Not to mention you can pop them in the mouth like snacks.
60. Drink one glass of water every hour. This will keep you full and you wont get dehydrated or headaches.
61. Eat catabolic, negative calorie foods at least 2 times a day.
62. Weigh yourself before and AFTER every time you eat.
63. Exercise 2 times the amount of calories you eat.
64. Eat 6 small meals a day spaced about 3 hours apart.
65. Let yourself eat some of the foods you normally would not allow yourself. Don't binge just balance.. You can do it. Take control
66. Eat standing up, move around while you eat.
67. Watch other people eat. Sometimes people eating looks so gross.
68. Find pictures of overweight people or family members and put them in various places around your house.
69. Drink water before eating .
70. Try on your skinny cloths... See how close you are to your goals.
71. Clean your closet.... Organize yourself. It will burn calories and you feel better. Not to mention you can find your stuff!
72. Keep a food diary in your pocketbook or purse to have an idea of when and why you're eating.
 73. Weigh yourself with a weight in your hand and then take that weight off and weigh yourself again... Think about how to lose that weight mentally
74.Drink hot or cold fluids throughout the day to speed up your metabolism. Extreme temperatures trick the body..
75.Put on some music you like and dance around... It burns calories and its fun.
76. Brush your teeth and tongue. This trick will keep you from eating. Trust me it does work.
77.Limit Alcohol consumption. This is empty calories.
78.Always leave a bite left on your plate. This teaches restraint.
79. The 3B's BAKE,BROIL,BOIL ALL YOUR FOODS!
80.Try Magnetic rings on your fingers. This is supposed to help you lose weight in certain areas of your body by wearing the rings on different fingers.
81. Learn how to stand on your head. This sounds stupid,but it is true that by standing on your head you increase the circulation in your body.
82.JUMP! Buy a jump rope or a trampoline. Take a rebound class. Jumping is still one of the best ways to boost your cardiovascular system and stimulate Weight loss.
83. Never eat in secret. This is the worst habit to get into.
84.Cook for other people. This is a great way to have a relationship with food and not eating it.
85.Concentrate on the first three bites of your food. These are usually the best.
86.Do the 4 D's Do progress in strengthening healing habits, Distract yourself, Decide your Goals, and Distance yourself from Food.
87.Get a Tan. Okay, I know the sun is bad for you and so is the tanning beds. But, you can do everything in moderation. Plus you need 15 minutes of sun a day to make the Vitamin D you need.
88.AVOID FRIED FOODS.
89. When eating a meal try to only eat one of every food group. One protein, One starch and One veggie. This will help the body digest easier. That means no cheeseburgers this has two proteins meat and cheese.
90. Get a job working in a gym/health club. This is what I did. I got certified and got a part time job teaching at my local gym. I was spending so much time there working out that I got a job to get paid for all the time I was working out. You stay in shape and you make a little money.
91.Get diet samples. Pay for shipping and handling if you have to. Most free samples come for one portion. The samples that you pay for shipping and handling usually have enough samples inside for a week or two. So remember when looking for something.... If it is completely free/ it is not enough to do anything.
92.Balance. Walk with a book on your head. This helps with posture and balance and tightens the tummy.
93.Moisturise. Always keep your skin moisturised. There is no reason for your skin to look saggy. Start now and those saggy skin folds will tighten up.
94.Massaging your body and face will help increase circulation. You can do this yourself with a BALINESE OIL.
95.Find a Buddy. Weight loss always comes easier with a buddy.
96.Buy a food piggy bank. Every time you want to spend money on food that you should not eat... Put that money in your piggy and buy something beneficial as a reward.
97. Put your fork down. Try putting your fork or utensils down between bites when eating. ... Chew more.
98. Write down the good and the bad points. Separate the page with a line and list them one by one. On each side. Good reasons to stay on your diet and Bad reasons to go off your diet.
99.Arrange your house so you wont eat... Put things away in high places you can't reach. If you have to get a chair to cheat you might think twice.
100. Take a long bath or hot shower. This helps to distract the mind and increases blood circulation.
101. Lemon. Cut a fresh lemon and smell it. This helps with appetite control. Also Orange...
102.Fresh ginger can also work as an appetite suppressant.
103.Keep your New Years Resolution! Stay focused on your goals to be thin!
104.Try to get e-coupons for your diet products.
105. This is a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen trick... Put red lipstick on perfectly. If you eat it will get all messed up and all over your teeth.
106. If you have to taste it.... do it chew it and spit it out! Please do not make this a habit! It is really gross!
107. Three words: Brush your teeth. Here’s the deal.  You definitely cannot eat while you’re brushing for 2 full minutes. You can have several minutes of not being able to eat! If you brush instead of eating, you will lose the taste for food and want to keep your mouth clean.  It’s perfect
108.. Ride out the hour. When you start to get hungry, just tell yourself that you’ll wait until the end of the hour to eat anything. That way you’ll have time to think about whether or not you really want those calories, and you’ll also feel really powerful since you’ve proved to yourself that you can go for that time without food.
109. Exercise before you eat. It will give you more time to think over what you really want to eat, and when you do eat you’ll be more comfortable with it since you just burned some calories.
110. Lower the temperature in the room where you sleep at night.
111.If you’re at work, schedule meetings or work around meal times. You can’t eat in and work can you?
112. Remember how hard you have worked to get this far... keep it up.
113.Think about how you can buy any clothes you want because everything will look good on you this will stop you!
114.You don’t want to be ‘the chubby girl’ in your group of friends try thinking about that.
115.Stop yourself before you eat and think about what you are doing. Time it..... The cravings for food can pass sometimes in as little as 9 seconds.
116. The 3 S's SUANA! STEAM! SWEAT! 20 Minutes in a deep sweat in the suana/steam room and you can diminish puffiness and get rid of nasty toxins.
117. Wear heavy shoes. This type of shoe makes it harder for you to lift your legs thus giving your legs and tummy a real workout!
118.Avoid White Colored Foods.... sugar, potato, milk, cheese... etc.
119. Try to do more... be the one to get up and get the drinks for your friends. Instead of saying, "while you're up, can you get me this?" Be the person who asks "can I get you anything while I am up?".. this keeps you busy and active.
120. The French Trick... Take 3 bites of everything on your plate and that is it... taste it all savor those bites and finish.
121. Eat half and throw the rest away. You wont eat anything out of the garbage... please don't. This sounds wasteful but it is a good trick to show some restraint against yourself indulgence.
122. It takes 4 hours sometimes for your body to start to really digest the food you have eaten.... try not to eat in between those times... and remember this before you go to bed. Set a time when the kitchen and eating is off limits for the day ... make it 4 hours before bedtime.
123. Remember to get enough sleep.... This is key to losing weight. Staying up long hours puts strain on the body and it starts to store fat because it feels the strain. 6-8 hours is best and you will see the weight come off faster if you get enough sleep. This also gives the muscles a chance to rejuvenate.. which gives your body a fit and slimmer look!
124. When losing weight the areas of your body that have extra fat..... like your boobs that will get saggy looking, wear moisturizer with MSM and bathe with MSM soap and take MSM supplements.  MSM helps keep your skin supple and elastic.
125.Eat melons.... not only are they yummy but because they are an alkaline food they prevent you from getting sick and settle the stomach first thing in the morning better for you actually than the grapefruit which is an acidic food!
126. Eat a fruit for breakfast and nothing else... this is what the Fit for Life diet plan is based on. I do this anyway, but in case you didn't know it.. fruit in the morning makes the digestive system pick up speed... also exercise before you eat breakfast.. this also burns more calories.... calories in burn them out!
127. Remember that you can't take an escalator to success you have to take the stairs.

128. At all times remember this:  there really is no reason to feel hungry unless you want to feel that way; because there are more than enough vegetables and fruits in the world to provide you with good nutrition and a sastisfied stomach.  Many vegetables are catabolic -- they actually require more calories to digest than they provide.  That is a case where eating undressed naked food actually helps your weight loss.  Helping with weight loss and increased nutrition most are naked, undressed:  green lettuces and cruciferous vegetables, onions, berries, mushrooms, and beans/legumes.  Eat those foods with abandon.

Men

Dating. Sex.  This is my strongest motivation for losing fat and being slim.  I want a boyfriend and I want to enjoy being with him too.

I currently have a boyfriend and he lives a 12 hour drive away from me.  Why would I find someone so far away?   We share a special interest and that's how we met.  But there is something else part of it too, I think.

When talking to my therapist  a few months ago I made the discovery that the reason I loved First Love so much, why it felt like such a miracle that we found each other and he understood me, is because we grew up in the same hometown, on opposite sides of town, but just a bike ride away and his dad's business was just a three or four short blocks from my house.  That nearness is what made it feel like a miracle to have found someone who would understand me; because, it turns out, apparently I did not feel well understood by my family.

My ex-husband grew up on another continent and although to some people that might feel like a miracle that we found each other, to me it made sense.  I expected no one who lived near me to understand me.  I expected only someone who lived in another country, in a culture where values are much different from where I grew up, only someone from a place very different would ever understand me.  That was my expectation.  So ironically the guy from another country didn't feel as special to me as the boy next door, because I never expected to feel at home, at home.

Now again I found someone who lives far away from where I grew up, because of my expectation that someone who lives close by could never understand me.

I do like my current boyfriend a lot.  He's very giving and thoughtful.  My only worry is that because he's never been married, maybe he wants to not be married. I do want to be married, and I do want to have really fun and exciting sex with him too.  So I really need to lose weight in order to feel proud of myself and healthy and sexy attractive.

Another strong motivation to lose weight is so that I hopefully will stop snoring!!!  Which is again related to men and sex. 

Crux

Today is a fresh new start.

To help visualize and motivate myself I am going to have two jars and fill one with one stone or marble for every pound I aim to lose.  As I lose weight I'll move the stones from the before/to go jar to the after/gone jar.

Starting today I'll record my current weight and measurements.  I am going to get down to a sexy, attractive weight again where I feel confident and more valuable.

Even as offensive and superficial as it sounds there is the truth that people remark that women who are thin are in a better league.  "Marry a millionaire" league is something people said in the 50s.   Now it's just commonly stated that a thin woman can get any man she wants, and most men aren't in her same elite league.  There is supposed scientific data to suggest that marriages are happier when the woman is viewed as a more elite league than her husband.  If true, this might be due to sexism, where men in society have stronger egos because they are treated as if they have more value, so when a woman is slim and she then is also treated as if she has more value, this makes the man feel lucky to have her.

Even as conflicted as this paragraph makes me feel to write, when I was slim I had more self confidence. And right or wrong, real or imaginary, self confidence is what I am seeking.   Gaining self confidence is the crux of the issue of weight loss.   And irrelevant to getting a man or anything else, self confidence is what I am seeking by losing weight.  And yes, of course, when I weigh less not only do I feel more self confident but I also do feel healthier.  That is undeniable.

Contrary

Why don't I have the same motivation to diet as I had for 3 years?  Why am I almost back where I started, feeling sad and ashamed of myself again?

What motivated me to lose weight?  The desire to be with First Love again.

What lead to my gaining weight?  When First Love threw me away for the 2nd time.

What do I need to gain the motivation to lose weight again?   I don't know.  The desire to a be with someone I love?   No.   The desire to love myself?  I don't know what to do.  I don't know why I don't have the will to lose weight now.  I do have the desire but not the deep motivation.  I tell myself one minute I want to be healthy and slim but then a moment later I'm acting in ways that will achieve the opposite.  My mind is willing but there is something deeper underneath it all that is at odds.

Worth

I've been feeling very sad lately, since the divorce.  I started the divorce with the hope that I might be able to reunite with my one true love; but after 5 dates in 2011 he stopped waiting for me and found someone new in July 2012.  That shocked me almost more than anything in my life, except for the first time he left me.

That rejection really had my emotions and spirit reeling in a frenzy of deep pain of loss and regret.  While still married I felt as if my life was on hold, as if everything had to play out, outside of my control, just sit and watch and wait; but the minute I was released from the marriage, the minute I walked out of divorce court, I drove directly to school and gave them my tuition payment.  I'd only considered starting school 2 work days before.

Immediately got on a dating site and when that didn't lead to meeting anyone I started looking for an alternative site. Jackpot!  I found a great site where I met lots of nice men, and went on several dates from September through January.  But that site closed in January, which is disppointing, but luckily I'd already found the man who I am now dating long-distance.

So when that dating site went down, and when I'd exhausted myself to the point of becoming very ill trying to juggle dating and going to school full-time with working, also becoming a new home owner, well that's when things started to slow down enough for me to notice how sad I still was, even despite all those changes.

Then 2 weeks ago my dog became ill because from 2010 when I started the divorce till now I had neglected him.   Having to take time out to specially care for him these past 2 weeks, establishing new healthy habits with him, has served to remind me how sad I am at where I am now, how I failed at the task I started in 2010 -- how I lost the love, I sought to gain.

Coincidently I'd cut my hair the week before my dog became ill, and had it cut much shorter than I wanted so that I could give my hair to charity.  But I don't care about that charity really.  The truth is that I loved my long hair, it made me feel sexy and attractive.  I do not feel sexy with the new short hair -- short hair feels like I'm denying myself of real sensual pleasure.

Just as I cut my hair too short because I did not feel worthy of being sexy and attractive, I also lost my motivation to lose weight  which also makes me feel sexy and attractive.  Feeling worthy -- that is the crux of the issue.

Today even with all the things I have to be happy about, I'm facing just how unhappy I feel about losing my first love, again.  It hurts so much.  The words that come to mind are "it's killing me" but I don't want to feel those feelings, I don't want to acknowledge how deeply it hurts, I don't want for those words to come true.

So instead I will acknowledge the reason I'm having trouble losing weight, why I have in fact gained ~20 lbs, is because I so regret losing my first love. Why I cut my hair too short is because I regret losing my first love more than anything else in this life. I have to try to get through this deep pain so I must admit the truth, must express and acknowlege my grief:

I loved you First Love, with all my heart.
I love you.
I don't know if I'll ever get over losing you.
I could have given everything to you, you are the only one I've met so far in this life who I can say that about.  I was ready to give you my whole heart and body as soon as I was free to do so.
Why did you turn around and leave me?
Why didn't you trust me?
Why didn't you wait for me?  

Armful

I am both really happy and yet still very frustrated.

I went to the store and tried on one size smaller bras and they fit fine.   38DD instead of 40DD (in 2010  I was wearing 42DD).  That is wonderful; so I bought 2 new bras and that is a great reward.

Also I went through my clothes and got rid of all plus size and XL size clothes, which is another great reward.  I have only size Medium and Large now.  Mostly I wear size Medium. I like wearing smaller sized clothes but they are lasting no longer than 1 year because of fat loss, which is nice but could be expensive if I wasn't buying mostly 2nd hand clothes.

My bra size is one size smaller but my bikini body looks, to me, exactly the same as when I was obese. In fact my body weight BMI is in the overweight category but my 43.1% body fat is still obese.  I'm glad that my clothing size is getting smaller, but hope I start to get a nicer looking figure soon.  And becuase I'm an apple shape it means I feel too blubbery to wear spaghetti strap tops which are really nice and cool.  That is one of my goals, to feel good wearing spaghetti straps.

Another reward spurred on by concern about my bikini body looks, is that I started using MSM supplements, body lotion, and soap.  MSM is a detoxifier and detoxification just might be making me feel a little cranky today, so I'll try to have more patience for myself.   I'm taking them to hopefully address the excess skin issue.  MSM is supposed to tighten up skin and help with elasticity of joints, its considered a beauty secret for gorgeous firm skin.  Fingers crossed it works.

Reading Dr. Fuhrman information I've figured out 3 things, to stop food cravings and hunger I need to eat food that provides excellent nutrition.  For repairing ill health and improving looks I need to detoxify through specific nutrients, sweating, moving around, massage, etc.  To manage my weight I need to learn how to eat to live, to learn how to comfortably eat less, following real hunger, and eating less than I desire by rote.

p.s. July 10, 2012 official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 155 lbs.  Homescale weight is 154 lbs. Omron scale is 154.6 lbs, 26.5 BMI, 42.2% body fat, 23.8% muscle, I need 1396 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8.  Measurements:
Bust 43"
Rib 33.75"
Waist  37"
Hips  39"
Bicep 12.5" right
Thigh 21.75" right

p.p.s. 11 July 154 lbs, 12 July 150.5 lbs, 13 July 150.5 lbs, 14 July 150.5 lbs.

Focus

Two years ago I friended on Facebook the person I refer to as "my true love".  He has asked me to focus on him less, and when I've asked to see him, he does not agree to seeing me, in fact he got out of previous plans we'd made.  He is gentle and doesn't want to be mean but it appears that he also doesn't want to encourage me.

Anyway two years ago when we first started writing there were several things he was looking for in a relationship that I had to try to change into or agree to in order to be what he was looking for.  They were things I liked and wanted to be, but still at the time, it stuck in my craw a little bit, that he would have specific wishes in a relationship, that if I wasn't those things already that I'd have to change to be them for him.  Truely I didn't begrudge what he wished for, but I begrudged that I would need to change, that irritated my ego.

- He stated that he wanted someone who would not miss living without a television.
- Someone who practices his faith.
- He is attracted to very slim women.  Someone who is active and healthy.  Someone to go hiking and camping with in the mountains.  Curious and adventurous to explore the world with.
- Literature, art and music are very important to him.

So anyway here I am wondering what I would ideally like in a relationship?  So that's what this post is about.

1. I love my dog so I would want someone to be gentle and indulgent of him, sharing the care of him with me.  Taking him on walks when I can't, for the rest of his life letting him sleep on the bed like he always has. Playing with him to show him care and consideration you would any family member.  Not ignoring him and treating him like a slave dog, the way most people treat pets.

2. I would want a non-smoker, non-druggy, non-gambling; and mostly non-drinker except maybe for special occasions. I would someone who would be monogamous, faithful to me, forsaking all others.  Someone who is stable and well-grounded, careful with and grateful for his life and resources.

3. I would like him to be involved in faith-based community, as long as it was a faith that didn't push their ideas on everyone else.  A nice supportive group that helped each other and the world. Charitable.

4. I would like him to have good taste in music, music that I enjoy and appreciate.

5. I would like him to be healthy and have an interest in regular physical activity, gentle but striving for  challenges too.

6.  I would like him to have good taste in art and decoration, to appreciate the finer things in life, but the authentic finer things, not for show, but real, intrinsic value.  Well made objects, well designed.

7. I would like him to challenge me to be the best I could be without pushing me, more like dangling a carrot encouraging me.

8. I would like to be someone that he would delight in, and who he would continue be attracted to: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, every way.  I'd like to be this true love too, his helpmate, because what I would like is a sense of belonging with him, of being treasured and loved, a united family, each of us looking out for the best interests of the other.

So I just described the man who I refer to as "my true love"; except for number 8, I don't know if I am that for him.  I wish and hope I am.

p.s. On June 18 my home scale weight was 159!!!!! lowest so far!!!! Measurements over clothes were:
Bust 43-1/4" Rib 35-1/2"  Waist 36" Hips 40-1/2" Bicep 12-3/4"right Thigh 22" right.

p.p.s.  On Tuesday June 19 my official Weight Watchers weight is  159.8 lbs. WW Leader said "You're in the 150's!"  Good progress but I am worried by Omron body fat % is obese, and kcals to maintain weight keep getting lower. I need to lose 6 lbs per month. NEED to lose 6 lbs per month.

Home scale weight is 160.  Omron scale is 160.4 lbs, 27.5 BMI, 43.3% body fat (32+% = obese, 21-24%=fit) , 23.6% muscle, need 1422 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8 (5-8 = healthy).  Measurements:
Bust 42"
Rib 34-3/4"
Waist 38-1/4"
Hips 40"
Bicep 12-1/2"right
Thigh 21-1/2"right

Thrift

Shopping for clothing has changed since I've been losing weight,  I'm on a strict budget so I'm shopping in second hand shops,  only a few times per year.   Lately I've been shopping because I do need summer clothes, but also to distract myself from thinking about the person I've referred to in this blog as "my true love".   The other night I bought 6 short sleeve t-shirts and 2 skirts for $20.25; that was a good deal.

Last summer when I moved down from plus sizes to regular Misses size XL, I bought 4 short sleeve shirts, 3 shorts to last the whole season.  This summer becuase I'm shopping more than usual: 12 tops, 4 skirts, 3 shorts, and 1 pair of wedge sandals.  Changing sizes is fun and a reward for losing weight, its the flip side reward of getting rid of old large size clothing.  The two go hand in hand, get rid of the old and bring on the new.

Here are my top tips for clothes shopping at 2nd hand shops:
1. First number one, most important rule:  when shopping for clothes wear a good, well-fitting bra. Its impossible to tell if you like an item without a good bra.

2. If you ever buy anything made of wool, be sure to drop it off at the dry cleaner before you bring it home.  I've ruined good cashmere clothes several times in my life by bringing home moths from 2nd hand shops.

3.  First time you shop at a 2nd hand store it will take a long time and you might feel overwhelmed; know you will get better each time you go.  Each time you shop it will become easier to focus and find what you are looking for.  The first time I went I spent hours and tried on over 50 items but brought home 2; now in 20 - 30 minutes, I tried on 18 items and bought 6.

Here are some of my strategies, although you'll come up with your own:
When losing weight I focus on the next lower size I want to get into and limit myself to looking only for items in that size.

I choose a size and go through those items one by one, when I find an item I like I'll check to make sure it is clean before putting it on my stack to try on.

When choosing items to try on notice the brand names,  because buying multiple items of clothing made by the same brand increases the likelihood of having pieces that match.  One brand has a midnight navy blue color that remains the same year after year, another brand has the same heather gray year after year, etc.

When I have a good stack of items to try on I go to the dressing room.  In the dressing room I sort items into stacks of Buy, Eliminated and Maybe.   I try on the Buy stack of clothes a 2nd time before I buy them, most of the Maybes usually get eliminated either before or during the 2nd try on.

When choosing items to buy, resist strongly any desire to buy a piece that is a size large just because you like the style so much. Resist.  Resist.  Resist.  You are losing weight and that item will too soon be in the discard pile with all of your other too big clothing, so in most cases its waste of money.

Choose items that just fit or are slightly too small; but resist the urge to buy more than one or 2 items that are a whole size too small, because its hard to know if it will flatter you when it does fit.

Resist having emotional attachments to clothing.  When you are losing weight these clothes are likely to be in your life for less than a year.   If you find a piece you love, remember there are many other pieces you will love in smaller sizes as you lose more weight.  There is always more to love ahead.

Remember that its likely you'll make a few mistakes, a few items you regret buying.  Some shops will let you return items, or you could make the best of it by wearing the item once or twice to get your moneys worth out of it, then in any case chaulk it up to experience and add that item to your discard pile.

I started fashion bulletin boards for each season and, after a year,  discovered my style changes a great deal with each season.  For me personally I discovered this pattern:

      WINTER -- deep black, navy, brown, beige, gold, burgandy and shell pink colors, in 1930s art deco stylized, dramatic shapes.  Layers of  thin lightweight woolen fabrics and silk crepe. Focus on scarves, jackets, coats, gloves, socks, and boots.  Emphasis on precious and antique rings and pendants.

     SPRING -- soft and bright aqua, green, rose, and butter pastels, floral fabrics, reminiscent of youthful 1940s short puffy sleeves, drapey, sheer fabrics in stretchy form-fitting styles.  Focus on short-waisted hand-knitted cardigans, knee length A-line skirts, skinny belts, soft, feminine dresses in beige or shell pink chiffon, ballet flats, Mary Jane strap pumps, pretty spring jacket.  Emphasis on cloissine and costume jewelry in shapes of flora and fauna.

     SUMMER -- bold, primary cobalt blue, saffron yellow and reds in dramatic color block 1970s loose-hanging new wave fashion.  Focus on shorts, horizontal stripes or picture t-shirts, plaid shirts, hiking boots and canvas tennies for camping.  Swimsuits, embroidered ethnic smock tops, espedrilles, flip-flops and sandals.   Emphasis on loads of fun, cheap bracelets.

     AUTUMN -- heathered gem colors in rust, olive, plum, cornflower, carmel, and gray woolens in 1960s collegiate style.  Focus on layers of soft cardigans with elbow patches, tailored front-placket button shirts, fair isle woolen sweaters, blazers,  trench coats, skinny jeans with suede Hush Puppy desert boots, or taller boots layered with over the knee stockings and short skirts.  Emphasis on multiple stacked rings, and semi-precious, imported charms, and pendants.

The fashion bulletin board helped me identify one key item that would be hard to find in a 2nd hand shop, so I  bought that item at a good clothing store, but the bulk of my wardrobe is made up of 2nd hand finds.  Last autumn the key item was skinny jeans, this summer my key item was a pair of wedge sandals.

Tuesday

Tuesday, today, is Weight Watchers weigh-in day.  The program works and I like it,  a lot.  Today on my home scale I weighed 160 lbs, which is lowest weight to date.  But I'm sure to weigh more at the official Weight Watchers meeting.

Official Weight Watchers meeting weight is 163.6 lbs. Loss of 2.4 lbs since last week, total loss of 10.6   lbs since joining WW (start weight 174.2 lbs on May 1); and 57.6 lbs since starting this in Aug 2010.

I'm very pleased this program is working.  I hope it continues to work down to and beyond my goal weight of 121 lbs.  I will lose 100+ pounds total,  I started at 221 lbs following loosely a 1500 calorie a day diet.  When I reached the boundary line between overweight and obese I stalled there at between 167 lbs and 172 lbs.  For over 6 months I kept gaining and losing the same 5 pounds.  That made sense because to maintain that weight I needed to eat around 1480 calories a day.  But until I joined Weight Watchers, I couldn't figure out how to reduce calories anymore.  It already felt too light, still feeling hunger.

I hope that I will continue to lose weight following the Weight Watchers program, lower than 121 pounds.  Because if there is ever any hope that I might ever win my one true love back, then I need to be able to maintain a weight of less than 121 pounds of the rest of my life.  That's due to my BMI, and his. He is slender and tall but muscular and I have always been a little bit softer than him.  In college my jean size was larger than his and that always bothered me.  I need to be a smaller jean size than him.  I need a smaller torso, to feel attractive.

When I met my husband I weighed around 130 and felt thinner than I've ever felt in my life.  I liked the way my breasts looked and my torso.  I thought I looked really good.  But that was after losing 20-25 pounds and I realize now that when I lose weight its hard for me to see myself objectively.  I just feel thinner and that is good enough.   This time I really need to make it to actually, honestly being slim.   Please god help me; thank you for helping me reach and maintain my goal range of 115-121 lbs.

The saddest part of course is what if I have already lost my true love for a second time?  Would that mean it was just a stupid obsession on my part; not real true love afterall? Does that mean all my life I've been kidding myself?  That is such a scarey prospect.  Would that mean I can't ever have loved anyone really?  Or how can I have fooled myself so completely about being in love?  My true love, I love you.

June 6 Omron scale:  161.6 lbs, 27.7 BMI, 44.6% fat, 22.8% muscle, need 1425 kcal to maintain current weight, 9 visceral fat. -- really need to build up muscle! Measurements:
Bust 44"
Rib 34"
Waist 36.5"
Hips 40"
Bicep 13" right
Thigh 22.25"right

Near

I'm so near to meeting half of my weight loss goal, of losing 50 lbs, that I can taste it.  I'm late too,  I wanted to met this goal by August, whereas in my 2-year plan the goal for November was 156 lbs. I have these weird reactions to getting close to a big goal -- I tend to hover over that weight for too long until I just get really frustrated and really make a big push towards losing enough weight to just meet that goal and then continue losing at a more normal rate again.  It's almost like I'm afraid to meet that goal.

So the goal I next want to meet is 170 lbs.  This morning I'm at 172 lbs.  I just want to meet and then get lower than that weight by 5-10 lbs so that I can feel secure that I have finally met that goal and surpassed it.

I started walking around a track with people at work. It's fun to have someone to talk to.  But sometimes they couldn't make it so then I was bored just walking around by myself so started lightly, slowly jogging half way around the track just to see if I could.  The next week I started walking 2 laps, running 1 lap, etc.  I discovered that going around the track 8 times is 1 mile. So I made sure to run 8 laps.

This week I walked 2 laps, ran 2 laps.  Again I ran only 8 laps total,  so just one mile, but the workout was definately harder.  And my body is so sore.  I get sore in places it never occured to me a person would get sore from running.  I get sore mostly in my upper body, my arms, back, and my lungs!  My lungs feel so good after running.  They feel clean.  I love that feeling, but they feel scrubbed out clean, like the way my teeth feel after being cleaned by a dental hygenist.

I hope that running will help me meet and surpass my weight loss goals faster.  Fingers crossed.  Weight Loss Target Date Calculator.

The basic guide for figuring out how many calories you need each day is to take your weight and multiply it by 10.  So if you weight 220 then you need 2,200 calories to maintain that weight.  If you weigh 170 you need 1,700 calories.  Here is a  Calorie Needs Calculator.  Running burns 115 calories per mile.  Walking burns 80 calories per mile.  Active Calories Calculator.

One more thing.  I've been thinking that for the first year, when I was in the category of obese, people really couldn't tell that I was losing weight.  It's only now, now that I'm in the category of overweight that people are starting to notice.  And that's ok, it's what I expected, but it is more encouraging to have people notice now.

Habits

Man oh man is it ever easy to fall out of good habits and slip back into bad habits.  A relative has been staying for the past two weeks and I stopped walking and running, stopped doing push-ups, stopped meditating.  I started eating cheese and breads, gained 2-5 lbs in 5 days, and now its going to be a struggle to get back to good habits.

At first I was eating the same as I have been to lose weight.  Until we spent whole days together, then I wanted her to feel comfortable so I let her choose when and where to eat while we gadded about driving and shopping.  At first I was careful choosing on omelet with no cheese and tap water,  but even eating at a restaurant instead of bringing a lunch of an apple and baby carrots is a big difference.  Then we went to a Mexican restaurant where I had a margarita and chips with my tostada, cheese enchilada, and beans plate.  My choices changed. I became less careful.

Luckily I'm participating in a weight loss challenge, so I'm highly motivated to lose those 2-5 pounds or MORE as quickly as possible!!!   I have to pay $1 for every pound I gain at the weekly weigh-in so I have to be super careful to exercise this weekend.  Will return to the vegan gluten-free diet.  I even started an herbal detox cleanse to help.   Fingers crossed I will be ok on weigh-in day.

Two books arrived during the visit of my houseguest that will hopefully help  with my exercise efforts, "Escape Your Shape" by Jackowski  and "The Body Shape Solution" by Savard.

I have an apple shape and the Jackowski book prescribes an exercise plan to help my figure look more fit and balanced; whereas the Savard book will explain the physiological reasons for my shape and offer dietary tips.  I plan to use them to start a new plan of action.  The Jackowski book recommends jumping rope but I might get a mini trampoline instead, as it would be more practical indoors, to avoid breaking ceiling fixtures with the rope.

One more update, at stores I pretty well fit into size Large (12-14) tops now, they are tight but they usually fit,  so squeezing into size 14 tops and size 12 pants and skirts.  Skirts. I miss wearing skirts.  I love skirts.

That is hard for me to believe since I weigh 175 and struggle to squeeze into a 40DD bra, but at least in stores, size 12 fits best on bottom.  That doesn't make sense, does it?  So I started trying on a bunch of old clothes from before I gained the first 60 pounds; from 1997 when I weighed 135 and a size 36DD bra.   I discovered in my old clothes I'm a size 14 bottom and top.  So the modern size 12 must be the same as an old size 14; that's the only thing that makes sense at least. Hmmmm?

Anyway weight loss is weird, in high school I got down from a size 34D to a size 34B bra when I lost 10 pounds to weigh 125 pounds. 

Fear

So Fear.  Most of the mistakes I've made were due to fear.  When feeling glum I've even told myself that I've ruined my life due to the choices I've made in fear.

F E A R .

The only thing to fear is . . .

How does fear figure into becoming fit?

In a way I could almost convince myself that fear could be a little bit useful, I suppose.  Fear of being alone due to being fat could be used as motivation to get and stay slim.

Really?

No. Not really.  In reality I've discovered that kind of fear just turns around and around causing more fear and causing me to maintain my weight or gain.  Fear is self-perpetuating.

So what's the alternative then?

Working it out, or at least trying to work it out.  Constantly trying.  When one method doesn't work, or stops working, or you just get bored with it, switch around and try a new method.  Just keep at it.  Keep having faith in the process of trying to work things out.

That process of working things out is like the mental equivalent to a physical work out.  It is its own reward.  It flexes those mental muscles and you learn new techniques that sometimes work or always work, or occassionally work, some might not work at all.  But all that effort is useful!  Very useful information.

So in the face of fear, let go, and instead trust in your own process of being able to work things out.  You might not have success with every effort, but the process is what is most important.

Keep working it out. 
Keep working out.

Frustration

Ok well Memorial Day weekend brought a lovely blue sky day and warm, even hot weather, 87F.  It felt hot because of the humidity.  The humidity for some reason always makes me feel so fat.  Even when I was slimmer it made me feel fat.

So my motivation to exercise more is stronger and yet at the same time I feel heavier and its harder to move.  So that's frustrating.

In addition when I saw my acupuncturist on Friday like I do every Friday she could tell I haven't been going to the bathroom as often as usual.  Every 3 days or so I told her.  She reassured me that was natural, because as a person loses weight not only does their stomach have to get used to smaller amounts of food but so does the intestines.

This is an issue I was concerned about when starting this weight loss journey.  I know in the past I'd become so successful at eating less in a very short period of time that my body sort of rebelled.  I wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom for 5 days or more sometimes.  I hated that, it really made me feel uncomfortable and distracted.  I do think exercise will help with this issue too.

So anyway as long as I'm writing about ugly body functions I might as well mention my other concern with losing weight any more quickly than my 1 lb per week goal.

Right now I'm struggling with how much exercise I should add.  Is yoga enough or should I do more to increase fat loss?  If I want to get slim as faster than my original plan then as I want to all I have to do, is add daily exercise 2 times a day and perhaps eat even less than the 1200-1500 calories a day that I eat now.

The problem with that is I have so much weight to lose and I'm not as young as I was.  I am quite seriously worried that losing weight any faster than I'm doing it now could induce a heart attack.  I really want to be careful and patient and gentle with myself.  The whole point of losing weight is to feel more control, more healthy and more at ease in the world, more loving to myself.  So if I start a hard discipline of lots of exercise I'm afraid I'll put all those goals at risk.

Ok frustration ended, I'm going to be content with an hour of yoga 5 times a week.  I won't do more than that.  I will however enjoy riding my bike, walking and swimming and being outside more.   Just the natural things people do to have fun in summer.  Because at last summer is really here! 

Normal

There is a phenomena that I've noticed with losing fat;  it is where after I lose enough weight to change sizes or meet some other milestone, that success is wonderful, but then I need to get used to that change of how I feel in my body.  That change needs to become my new normal.  My image of myself has to catch up with the new reality.

Today a 10-year old girl told me I looked like her grandma.  I could be a grandma in reality.  But evenso, that made me feel a little sad.  I believe its becuase I'm so paunchy; I've been struggling with the idea of whether to add exercise or not to help the fat lose efforts along.  I really want to become slim a little faster now.  Then if the 10-year old girl still says I look like a grandma, it'll be easier to take.  Because I'll be looking as good as I can.

So that means I need to come up with a new plan.  A plan that includes just a little more gentle exercise, perhaps.  Exercises to help tone up my arms, and my stomach especially.  Yoga will be the best choice at this time.  Its gentle and feels wonderful.  Then in future if I need to step it up again I can still add cardio and weight lifting to the mix.

Another thing hanging out with that 10-year old taught me is that I become tired rather easily.  So I do want to increase my strength, flexibility and stamina too.

I may also need to change my diet a little bit now too, just to keep things fresh.  So I'll think about that for a day or two and see where I want to go with that.

A grandma maybe, but a cool stronger, slimmer grandma here I come.

Bones

Well having lost weight makes me want to be thinner. I want to see my hip bones.

I want to put on clothes and have any bulges due only to thin air trapped under cloth that can be smoothed down, rather than fat deposits under my skin. The fat deposits are becoming thinner, and my skin is looking bulgier than ever; or maybe I'm just looking at my body more than ever.

I really want to be lithe and nimble, strong and flexible. I want to exercise to get that way faster and sooner. I want to take my measurements to see how they change. I want to be comfortable wearing short sleeve shirts, and shorts this summer. I'm anxious to be slim.

I want to become as healthy as I can be. I guess it was just a matter of time; before I'd actually crave exercise. I'm not completely there yet, but closer than ever before. I mean I do love walking, that isn't hard to do, but sitting on the floor and doing repitative exercises, well looks like that morning has dawned now too.

Yes hippychick, yes hip, hip, hip, hip, hip. Yes hippychick!