Veil

Well sadly Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had may have broken up with me tonight.  He's done this two other times and both those times I wondered if he was just doing it to manipulate me.

Happily I met someone new who even though its early stages, I feel on the same wavelength with him, in a way that I have never felt with anyone else.  It feels like such a relief. I hope that it works well for both of us.  I really like him  I'll refer to him as Same Wavelength Man. He sort of strikes me as the man I've been praying for.  He strikes me as a man I could love more deeply than anyone I've ever loved before.

I know very little about him so this is very premature, but I just know it feels different.

I am grateful that First Love threw me over, if it means that I get to have a deeper and more loving relationship than I have ever known.  I loved First Love deeply but he didn't love me as strongly and there was always a sense of unfinished business, until we met and dated again.  Now it feels like finished business, but a distasteful lesson.  A lesson that pushed me into god.

But with Same Wavelength Man .. . . I hope I'm right.  I hope however things work out, that they work out for the best.  We'll see.

Stereo

I asked Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had if he thought it was 51% likely or 51% unlikely that he would ever ask me to marry him.  He answered 51% unlikely.

I said that was very disappointing then I told him that I've been asked out by Old Friend.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had and I talked a lot about marriage and his fears and my experience, and we had a nice conversation about it.

Today we talked about it more, about how while I really like him, I can't live my life wanting someone to like me  more than they do.  I told him how I'd wasted a lot of time wanting First Love to care for me as much as I cared for him, and then when we had a second chance he threw me over just like he had the first time.  How I have to live in the real world, not my fantasies,  how I have to face reality.

I've been thinking about First Love in the midst of all this too.   It makes me feel humiliated that I liked him so much that I made a grand gesture to show him how much I cared about him, and how I wrote him such embarrassing emails.  I worry that he is not worthy of my strong feelings for him, and that he may have told people we both know that I was crazy.  I'm not crazy, but I was crazy for him.

I tried to warn him, although I'm sure he did not understand me, that I was really messed up from being married to Ex, and that I knew it would take at least 2 years for me to get back to being more balanced again.  First Love told me he'd would not wait 2 years for me, that he'd be an old man by then.  It took me over 2 years to get the divorce and in all that time I was getting better but it really took at least 4 years to have recovered from Ex.

 I feel much more balanced now, but a lot of that balance is due to dating Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had.  He calms me, he helps me accept myself and be more honest, less ashamed of everything I am, everything I do, more confident.  I really like Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, I really do wish he'd ask me to marry him.

But who knows?  Maybe Old Friend will help me feel even more confident and balanced.  I don't know.   We'll see what the future will bring.

Duvet

Full moon tonight.

Been thinking a lot about a lot lately.  Thinking about First Love, and being angry at him and yet grateful that I finally have resolution about that.  I still regret that I loved and lost him, but on the other hand, am grateful to have figured that he and I were a bad match.  Glad to have figured out I want, need, and deserve a more loving and trusting relationship than the one he and I had.

Still friends with Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had and wish he'd just ask me to marry him, but unexpectedly have been asked out by Old Friend.  Was very excited to date Old Friend, very excited, but not sure if we are a good match. We don't necessarily share common interests that are shared with Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, and I like that we have shared interests.

Old Friend is much more like every other guy I've dated: very optimistic, very friendly, very fast-moving, very masculine in more aggressive ways, I imagine he would push or encourage me to do things he thinks are healthy and positive.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever had is unlike any other guy I've dated: much more slow-moving, much more quiet, still very masculine and aggressive in ways that would not hurt anyone, perhaps more genuinely optimistic, more thoughtful than anyone I've ever dated.  Encourages me but isn't too insistent on it.  But cheap perhaps, although he enjoys giving me presents and cards for holidays.

It's hard to know what to think.  I know Nicest Boyfriend better and I like that he's unlike anyone else I've ever dated.  On the other hand, Old Friend does spark excitement with me.  We'll see what happens.

If you like it, then you better put a ring on it.  

I want to get married, 

if anyone wants me to date them exclusively
then they better ask me to marry them first.