Fallopian

I've been feeling aching in my right fallopian tube all day today.  I'd felt in the past month quite strongly a few days too.   When I feel that aching I associate with First Love nowadays.  It's the left fallopian tube I could always feel everytime I ovulated on that side.  I didn't feel the right side, only the left.

Since feeling all the stuff I felt when First Love married ManClown Po'Donkey, I've associated that aching with him.  My feelings for him, I guess.   So I wonder what is going on.  Why do I keep feeling that aching lately?

Is he pulling away from me even more?   Am I trying to pull him back to me?  Or is thinking about me and he's pulling me closer to him?  I don't think so, I think it's all to do with my feelings about him, not vice versa.

It's interesting.  I don't know what to make of it though.

I'm working more hours at work lately, forever now.  That has really hurt my feelings in regards to missing my little dog.  I love him so much and am always so happy and anxious to get back home to him.   I hate spending less and less time with him.  And other family too.  oh well, that's life.

I feel lucky, as though I get whatever I ask for, or at least don't get what will be really bad for me and do get what I want most of the time.    Protected.   Maybe it's me just trying to be at peace with what is, but that's good enough.  I wish I'd had this philosophy when I was younger, it might have made things easier.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had said he's afraid to get married.  So that makes me feel sad, and sick to my stomach, and as if I need to start pulling away from him and start looking for someone new.  To that end I'm now on 3 dating sites and talking to 3 differnt men via messaging on those sites.  We'll see what happens.

Ease

I have been feeling ill at ease lately; insecure.  Had  a dream last night that First Love really did love me and came back to me with his hard learned self discoveries.  It turned out that something scared him back when we first dated, and whenever he's near me it causes him to spin away in a fearful reaction of me, but it was only because he didn't want to admit that he and I shared something that he has not wanted to face, but once he faced it, he was happy to come back and sort of apologize.

I was hesitant at first but he guided me through the emotional reactions to his revelations not with words but by letting me follow his actions.  So as I gained confidence, trust in following his lead, I was shedding my defenses as well.  And we ended up kissing and hugging intimately, deeply.  The invitation to be lovers again was there, but I was awakened from the dream before it went any further.  That dream soothed my heart to some extent.  I am grateful to that dream.

The dream used the metaphor of a big modern architectural house that had been filled with large sculptural objects that First Love and I climbed up and on, in and out of.  It was in that process where I learned to lay down my fears and let the protective old black scab of pain to fall away, allowing myself to trust him little by little.  I had so much trepidation with the first hug, afraid I'd touch him and he'd pull away in a knee jerk reaction, instead he enveloped me within his arms in a loving embrace of full acceptance.  It was such a relief, in real life I feel relief.

The dream was preceded by a realization when listening to NPR Chapter a Day story of a man who reared an owl from an egg.  The story described how one month the baby owl displayed definate brooding behaviour, feathering her nest, but throughout the rest of her captive life she did not do that again.  I remembered how when First Love and I moved to another city, I had so much trouble learning how to take care of myself.  Once I came home and threw myself on the bed weeping, and the little kitten who lived in our apartment came to me and pressed her paw against my cheek. Such a tender and compassionate gesture.  A year later I spent one whole day in bed staring at the walls.  I think that scared First Love very much; it scared me.

Listening to the story of the broody owl illuminated that all I was suffering, was a little homesickness yes, but mostly I loved First Love so much that all I wanted to do was have babies with him.  It's what I wanted more than anything else; but I have long been one to be afraid of my deepest loves and desires.  I've denied them and refused to feed and nurture them.   That fear of what I love most is what drove many decisions in life.  That is what the dream was about.

Last

Why is it that the last time we see a person, we don't know its the last time?  That makes me so angry.  If I'd known it was going to be the last time I'd have acted or spoken differently.  I'd have made note of the date and time, and clothes we wore.

Ex sold all his belongings and moved to another country.  It is likely I will never see him again.   I remember the last time I saw him I was frustrated with him for being so difficult to see, so difficult to talk to, so difficult to reason with.

But that was the last time I saw him.  I was dissatisfied with seeing him only one day instead of 2 or 3 days, because he was in town for a whole month.  But he was so busy going on dates that he had no time for me, as usual.

Why does it bother me?  Why will I miss him?

I will.

p.s. Was it really fun in the beginning with Ex?  Has he changed a lot or am I just seeing things differently?

Value

It is a dark and stormy night.  The temperature is very warm, in the upper 70s. I'm in the finished attic of a wood frame house, there is air conditioning on the main floor but not up in this makeshift bedroom space where all the walls are lined, up to the lowered ceiling, with all of my earthly possessions that I have no where else to store.   I need to go through all of this junk and get rid of everything but essentials.  When I next move I will start again, bring almost nothing with me.

It is not raining but the thunder rolls across the sky for over 10-70 seconds at a time, rolling on and on like a bowling ball heading towards the pins, but ending up in the gutter.  It is 3-15 seconds between each roll.  Every 10-17 minutes the sky lights up but it is not connected to the thunder, they are independent of each other.

I listen to Brian Weiss on Youtube conducting a past life regression and I am not doing as well as I have in the past but I am getting something.  I am relaxed, I am remembering in utero that my father is a disappointing lover to my mother and neither of them are joyful that I am conceived or born, but my mother is very protective, that is form of love towards me, to protect me.

I try to push out of the womb feet first but I'm turned around head first which is confusing and then I don't feel warm or cold, I feel able to move around more, but my first experience is being spanked on my newborn bottom.  This is how I'm introduced to this world.  It isn't pleasant but I am present, I am aware of present time.

Then I go through a door, through light, and find myself standing in swamp water over my ankles, not as high as my knees.  I recognize this as a symbol for the Tollund Bog Man and Elling Woman who were found remarkably well preserved in a swamp in Denmark (or the Lindow Man and Woman found in Britain).  I realize this is telling me that I am living around the same time and place, in Scandinavia 280 BC, pre-Roman, Iron Age.   I am a woman and I am with a man.

We are like modern people, civilized and we understand very well the nature of spiritual reality.  I move forward to an important time in this woman's life and find myself making love to the man I was standing with in the swamp.  I feel myself with him inside me, aching for him to push and press inside me with all of his emotion and desire and deep love for me.  We know when we make love that I might become pregnant and that is the wish that is his and my own deepest wish behind every thrust.  I want to become one with this man because we love each other so deeply.  I have never been loved so purely and truely and honestly in any other lifetime.

I see in my imagination and feel him pushing inside me; simultaneously I see myself in a white bridal veil so I know that is a symbol that I am his bride and he is my husband.  When we move to the end of my life, we are still making love to each other.  He makes love to me fervently at the end of my life, we both know I'm dying but he wants me to know,  he needs to show me how our love will continue past death, and forever into the future, and many lifetimes in the future.

We love each other almost more than we love ourselves, except his love for me is what allows him to love himself and his life so much, his love for me allows him to find the preciousness in his own life, and likewise my love for him is what allows me to love myself and find the preciousness in my own life.  If it weren't for our love of each other, our lives would be dull and dreary and lonely, a life of lonely drudgery.  The depth of our love for each other is what gives meaning to our own life.

I do not know who that man is; I do not recognize him in this lifetime.  He might be First Love or he might be Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, but if it is Nicest Boyfiend we are not at that point yet.  With First Love I did have those feelings for him, but I dont' know if he reciprocated equal feelings back for me; maybe at the time or maybe now that he has deserted my twice, it felt more like my unrequited longing, I don't remember exactly at the time how I felt except I remember mourning the life I wouldn't have because I had devoted myself to him completely. I remember he couldn't decide if he liked me or not, it was always keeping me at arms length and missing him, craving closeness, it was confusing.  The only thing that is clear is that it always feels as if he deserted me.

Loss

This week I've been thinking a lot about First Love.  Let's face it, there isn't a day goes by that I don't think of him.  It pisses me off now too.   It has so little to do with, since he proved to be so unreliable and untrue.  It has mostly to do with the way our first loves imprint us.  We women, I think that is what happens to us.  We are imprinted by them, and we can't loosen the hold of them no matter what we do.  It's like the binding between a child and parent.  It's just there, all the time.Grrrrrr

I know this is a lesson in life.  Everyone has someone they love who they crave and miss.  Everyone.  It's part of the human experience. 

Ok, just let go of it, realize I share that sense of loss with everyone and every other living thing on the planet.  I'm just lucky enough to learn that he is separate from me by choice. That is lucky, because then I can avoid romanticizing the situation.

[Look] Of Longing byWilliam Barnes 1949.

Thank you god for giving me this relatively gentle sense of loss and longing.  It's there everyday, but it's gentle compared to what some people experience.  Thank you god.

Everyday pain in the sense of loss.  Every meal trying to lose weight.  I wonder if there is a correlation?  I know for certain the only 2 times in my life that I lost my appetite due to grief were the 2 times he spurned me.  Both times I lost weight very quickly without trying.  I just lost my appetite, food was the last thing I wanted.  So I do think there is some kind of correlation, some physical reaction to my emotions, maybe hormonal.

Exhausted

I worked so hard for over a month, and it was so emotionally draining too.  Just shock after shock, resisting, not wanting to do what I ultimately needed to do.  It was such a mistake in some ways and yet I am practicing trust in god. Trust that what happens is as it should be.  Doing my best at trying to let go of stress when I want to judge myself or others, to instead practice trusting god.

But I'm still tired.  On Tuesday, April 1, I finally finished almost all the cleaning and organizing of the past month.  I think I'm starting today to regain my strength but I really am exhausted.

Trying to practice trusting god, trying to believe that I'm clearing the decks for something in the future which is good for me, but of course the future is still an unknown.

Practice, practice, practice.  I have to say it really does help to be able to lean back into trusting god is in charge and that all is as it should be.  It is like resting back into an easy chair, just relax back into it, just lean into god.  Its a wonderful, wonderfully calming choice for dealing with stressful situations in life.

Update: Still exhausted a week and a half later, finally figured out I need to take vitamins, especially iron.  

Nothing

I have nothing to say.

Yet I want to write.

Drinking caffeine during the day makes it difficult to sleep at night even when I'm very very tired.

I ate too much food today, like 3000 calories.

Manage

This past month I did a lot of cleaning and even though it was very difficult I want to keep up that momentum.   But with the luxury of time I want to have rummage sales to try to get rid of everything I can, and what I can't sell I'd like to give to charity.  I have so much stuff to get rid of, but it feels so light and clean to get rid of extraneous stuff.

I want to feel clean and light and healthy.

Best boyfriend I've ever had (accidently misspelled that as "Beast" boyfriend) is pulling away again.  He does it on purpose I'm starting to think.  To try to control me I'm starting to think; so I don't want to react to it anymore.  I'll just get pissed off instead of alarmed from now on.   I don't like the idea of him yanking my chain that way.  Just tell me if something is bothering you, don't play this guessing game.

I have 2 months before going on summer vacation.   I will lose weight by then so that I feel comfortable in my swimming suit and really enjoy myself.  Plus if Nicest boyfriend I've ever had is going to start pulling away like this then I really need to start looking for a better relationship, and being slim gives me more confidence.

Estate

I'm selling most of my possessions.  This is more traumatic than I expected.  The auction house took a lot of stuff away, then a consignment shop took more.  I had to pay someone to take away the last of it to the dump.

It's sort of hit me like a ton of bricks all of a sudden.  I just feel a little emotionally overwhelmed.   My ex-husband and I decorated our house together and now all of that collaboration is going away.  It really had been the best collaboration of both of our tastes and ideas.   We both have very good taste. If I ever have a house again, I have almost nothing to bring from my past.

I know feng shui experts say that you have to get rid of the old to make room for the new, but I feel rootless right now.   To own almost nothing, lots of people go through this against their will when natural disasters hit them.  I'm doing it by choice, or maybe better to say I'm doing it by lack of better choices,  so its easier for me, than people who have everything taken away by surprise and against their will.

It's still hard though.  May it lead to a new and better future; I hope so.

My teachers used to say 'don't be upset when people steal your ideas, it means your ideas are worth stealing, and know that you always have more where those came from.'   So I guess that's partly how I have to look at it, that I still have good taste, and in the future I might have another opportunity to try brand new ideas.

This is just the next step of the divorce, just another step in cutting our ties.  I don't know if that's good or not.   Our marriage didn't succeed in the long run, but it wasn't a total failure, when we were together, we had some success.  Maybe I just need to mourn the loss; acknowledge and mourn, then lay it to rest.

Full steam forward ahead, I guess.  No other choice now.

Tunnel

Nicest Boyfriend I've ever had, didn't realize I thought we had broken up.  He phoned me, happy as usual without a clue that I had been worried that we broke up.  It never occurred to him.

. ! .

That is the second time this happened.   I start to see a pattern, and  think it was partly my fault:
     1. He avoids talking to me as often, this time it was for 1/2 a week;
     2. when I notice he's pulling away,  I ask him about it.
     3. When I can't figure out whats going on,  I fall back into my fears and ask him if he wants to break up?
     4. He says  . . . . 'yes?' . . .
     5. so I think we are broken up.

If this happens again I'll have to be careful to avoid expressing my fears.  Just leave it alone, assume the best. Maybe I'll have to just ignore his reluctant behaviour, assume all is well unless he tells me otherwise.

I've noticed the pattern, so I should know enough to avoid it again. I hope I am smart enough to do that.    I worry I am misinterpreting his behaviour or noticing patterns that aren't there.  So I just have to focus on myself intsead.  Slim.  Focus on being slim.  See only that goal. Slim.  Tunnel vision.

Practice

Nicest Boyfriend I've ever had kind of, sort of, broke up with me last night.  I'm not 100% certain we broke up, but 99% certain that is what happened.

It's not as if he's mad at me.  Even though he didn't say it,  I suspect he's afraid of my vegetarianism.  I think he's afraid I'll have weird food around that scares him, and that I'll be awkward at family and social functions.  I've been talking about my recent experimentations with vegan baking lately and I think that might put him off.

The other thing that is more tolerable but frustrating for him is that I'm so poor lately.  He wants to enjoy going on fun vacations, but I can't afford to do that right now.  Who knows if I ever will again?  I'm having trouble, I don't make enough money to support myself at present.  So hopefully I'll be able to fix that sooner than later.

So that, and this long winter, and everyone getting older, is bringing me down a bit.

Alright if I am to face the future alone then I have to find some peace in that.

I need more choices, and more choices comes in the form of being slimmer so that I have more confidence in social situations.  But until I am actually slim I have to practice self confidence as if I am already slim.  Practice makes perfect.  PRETEND I'm slim and make choices as if I'm slim.  That's what I need to do.  PRETEND I have confidence.  PRETEND I believe that god is looking out for me personally; which at times I really do believe but need to practice more to feel it more deeply.

"God bless us, everyone."

zengirl.com pic

Stone

It's almost the end of February and I have not weighed myself all month, because I'm afraid the scale will show a weight gain rather than a weight loss.

I really want to have the motivation to maintain consistent weight loss but apparently I did't.

It was the prospect of being with First Love that gave me the motivation to lose weight and when I lost him a second time I have been struggling with the will to become and stay slim.  That really bugs me.  Right now I have the nicest boyfriend I've ever had and I do want to be slim to enjoy time with him, but the spectre of First Love lost, I don't know, its as if when he rejected me, I didn't love myself too?

I don't know what is wrong.  If I see a therapist about this I wonder if that would uncover the source of the trouble?

I'm sorry current nicest boyfriend I've ever had, you are innocent and sweet and very, very kind.  You deserve a slim girlfriend who wants to be free and enjoy herself with you.

I'm sorry to myself for not loving myself enough to take very good care of myself.  For not letting go of pain enough to hold closely to taking good loving care of myself.

A book I read 2 days ago said that sometimes people hold tight to pain in the mistaken belief that will keep the source of that pain closer to them.  If that is the case then,  maybe people hold tight to weight gain in the mistaken belief that will keep lost love closer.  If that is the case, how do I let go of pain, how do I learn to embrace self love again?

Hug a stone?

Pain

No Pain, No Gain.

That's what people like to say to encourage exercising to the point of being in pain.  The suggestion is that if one continues to exercise when they start to feel uncomfortable, or even start to feel pain, that is when they are pushing themselves to improve their health.

Well I've never liked that phrase. 

I'm not an athlete and don't understand what they go through.

I have a different meaning for that phrase.

I've noticed that when I am in pain I tend to gain weight.  And when I am in good health then it's much easier for me to focus on taking good care of myself and treating myself with love and making better choices to nurture myself better.  To me no pain means I can focus on taking good care of myself.

When I started having shoulder joint pain in January through March 2013, and then when it became very strong pain from March through June 2013, I started gaining weight very fast.

By December my shoulder joint was repaired to the extent that I had almost full range of motion back and did not feel daily chronic pain.   So by the end of January I was able to feel well motivated and loving of myself enough to start dieting and losing weight.   Then for one week I had tooth pain and I stopped losing weight that week, now that that tooth pain resolved I'm back to losing weight agian.

There is a clear relation between pain and weight gain.  So for me being painfree means I continue to focus on treating myself well and that results in weight loss.

Weight loss is due to loving self and feeling comfortable in my body.  Just a little twist on the old phrase: no pain means no gain.  

Men

Dating. Sex.  This is my strongest motivation for losing fat and being slim.  I want a boyfriend and I want to enjoy being with him too.

I currently have a boyfriend and he lives a 12 hour drive away from me.  Why would I find someone so far away?   We share a special interest and that's how we met.  But there is something else part of it too, I think.

When talking to my therapist  a few months ago I made the discovery that the reason I loved First Love so much, why it felt like such a miracle that we found each other and he understood me, is because we grew up in the same hometown, on opposite sides of town, but just a bike ride away and his dad's business was just a three or four short blocks from my house.  That nearness is what made it feel like a miracle to have found someone who would understand me; because, it turns out, apparently I did not feel well understood by my family.

My ex-husband grew up on another continent and although to some people that might feel like a miracle that we found each other, to me it made sense.  I expected no one who lived near me to understand me.  I expected only someone who lived in another country, in a culture where values are much different from where I grew up, only someone from a place very different would ever understand me.  That was my expectation.  So ironically the guy from another country didn't feel as special to me as the boy next door, because I never expected to feel at home, at home.

Now again I found someone who lives far away from where I grew up, because of my expectation that someone who lives close by could never understand me.

I do like my current boyfriend a lot.  He's very giving and thoughtful.  My only worry is that because he's never been married, maybe he wants to not be married. I do want to be married, and I do want to have really fun and exciting sex with him too.  So I really need to lose weight in order to feel proud of myself and healthy and sexy attractive.

Another strong motivation to lose weight is so that I hopefully will stop snoring!!!  Which is again related to men and sex. 

Contrary

Why don't I have the same motivation to diet as I had for 3 years?  Why am I almost back where I started, feeling sad and ashamed of myself again?

What motivated me to lose weight?  The desire to be with First Love again.

What lead to my gaining weight?  When First Love threw me away for the 2nd time.

What do I need to gain the motivation to lose weight again?   I don't know.  The desire to a be with someone I love?   No.   The desire to love myself?  I don't know what to do.  I don't know why I don't have the will to lose weight now.  I do have the desire but not the deep motivation.  I tell myself one minute I want to be healthy and slim but then a moment later I'm acting in ways that will achieve the opposite.  My mind is willing but there is something deeper underneath it all that is at odds.

Clouds

When you learn meditation it teaches you to see your emotions and thoughts as clouds passing over a landscape.  While clouds are part of a landscape, they are not the landscape.  So please understand that when I say I'm angry, pleased, anxious or thankful, that I'm experiencing an emotion that is passing through me, it started and it will end, and it does not define me.  Likewise when I have thoughts that trigger certain emotions I've learned I can change my thoughts to change my emotions too.

So when I say I'm angry and full of regret right now at myself for some decisions I made this past year, its indicating to me that I want to find some way of coming to peace with those decisions.  I am looking for peace from that anger and regret.

Choosing to go to school in September 2012-June 2013 was the worst mistake I've made in a very long time.  I was reeling in pain from losing First Love a second time, I was frustrated from a too long 2+ years long divorce, and I was taking advice from people who helped me in the past, and rebelling against someone who was helping me more than anyone else has ever helped me but who I resented because I relied on her so much.

It was a horrible choice for many reasons including 1. it was too expensive, 2. it took too much of my time, 3. it was physically too demanding.  It resulted in 1. wasting about half of my annual income on something I did not need and will not use, 2. causing health crisis in myself and my family due to putting off health checks, stopped exercising, stopped preparing fresh food, and becoming ill, 3. gaining weight due to not being able to manage my time to include exercise and eating carefully, 4. damaging my rotator cuff so that now the chronic pain also interrupts my sleep and being injured has reduced my overall strength and wellness, 5. also it only pushed back the time that I now also have to deal with the tumbling of emotions that I was avoiding by starting school.

I hate my decision to go to school, and worse to stay in school when everything started falling apart, and therefore exasperating the injury to my shoulder, and weight control efforts.  I'm just so angry at myself for all of this.  Angry, angry, angry.   I want to be thin again, I want to be able to hook my bra again without pain.   Angry, angry, angry.

Counsel

Last summer after First Love rejected me a second time, I felt desperate and sought the help of a therapist.  She is someone who believes in new age stuff, and she doesn't have the authority to prescribe drugs so I felt safe with her.

I think she helped me.  I'm not sure though.   In some ways talking with her exacerbated my feelings because I was stirring things up and looking at them, rather than ignoring them.  So it's hard to say whether she helped or hurt. I know that I acted more impetuously and dramatically than any other time in my life; as if she validated my feelings and that gave me the confidence to act on those feelings. I can't decide if that was good or bad, but it was embarrassing. In any case, I decided to try seeing her again.  I hope it will be helpful because now that school is done all the stuff I've been avoiding  is flooding back into consciousness.

I'd been talking to the only other person on earth who understands, has an inkling of, what it was like with the man I was married to.   There were two clear and distinct times when I earnestly worried that he was coldly trying to figure out how he could kill me and get away with it.  My strong suspicions led to me fleeing from him in those two situations that month.  I don't know if I told anyone.  Even if I did, people tend to forget things like that, brush me off as if I was over-reacting.

I know it sounds paranoid, especially considering that an earlier time I wondered if he was slowly poisoning me.  I don't believe i told anyone that, because it was too hard for me to believe. I just remember noticing that I'd be dizzy a lot when he was home, and fine when he was working out of town.  I came to the conclusion that I must hyperventilate out of nervousness when he was around, which must have been the cause of my dizziness.   It happened for about a year, him home 3-4 months, gone 3-4 months working, home  3-4 months, etc.  Around that same time I found an oddly small size, almost child size, of bikini underpants in our laundry.  They did not belong to me.  I never found out where they came from but I reasoned they might have been my best friend's who was a recent house guest, even thought I knew she wore the same size large panties I wear.  We had been roommates and friends for for many years and often did our laundry together.

In the past I went to psychics for help, but they left a sour taste in my mouth.  It's too imprecise and has the danger of inciting real harm.   I mean to say, if they predict good positive things it might be comforting but wrong and then I feel disappointed, and if they predict negative things I might make them come true just due to the suggestion -- like in MacBeth or Hamlet: witches predictions, ghosts pleas for vengence.  If you believe in the supernatural you know that the nature of reality is difficult to pin down.  Who is to say that all familiar spirits are not deceitful demons anyway?  That shadowy world is just all too confusing, and more confusion in the midst of confusion isn't helpful.

So yes, I'll be seeing a counselor again. I was married to someone who likely is mentally ill and I would like help seeing things more clearly and with more balance.  I hope it will be helpful.  Fingers crossed.

Turn

I may have finally turned the corner, to be on a new more optimistic path than when I was still primarily missing First Love.   His betrayal of me that I never got over, my husband's betrayal of me, and First Love's second betrayal,  it's not what I expected from life.  I really believed that my life would be like the fairytales, to fall in love and get married and stay married forever after.  I'm not sure how to make sense of my life.  No different from other people I'm sure, bad judgement or bad luck led to a calamity that I had a hard time getting over.  I kept trying to get past that hurdle but it stymied me, for whatever reason.  Anyway my hope is that now that I have a real resolution from losing First Love, maybe now I am free to find what I was looking for in the first place. 

Maybe now I'm on a new path towards real, steady, steadfast, dedicated, true love.

I hope so.

I really like my new boyfriend even if he does live too far away.  Even if this, that, and the other thing. There will always be problems to deal with.  That's the whole journey of life.

For now I love life the way it is.  I'll try to stop fretting about where it is going, and rest in god's arms, that god will lead me in the place god wants me to be.   It's an easier way to live.  We'll see what the future brings.

I hope the future brings love and marriage - the real, true tender mutual caring of a loving marriage.

We'll see.

 

Flowers

I've taken to buying fresh flowers for myself, kept on my desk at work.

One of the first things I put into my shopping bag at the grocery store is a bunch of pretty flowers.   They are very satisfying to look at, nourishing in a way.  Then I walk around and get the fresh fruit and vegetables, lastly any cooled foods, like aloe juice and almond milk.

The flowers are very calming to look at while at work and make me feel as though I'm treating myself like a rock star, someone special.

Nevertheless this week, I am full of anxiety and even though I feel very full, my appetite has been nagging, unceasing.  I think I may just need more nutrients so I'm taking vitamins and lots of iron everyday again.

This past weekend I visited my long distance boyfriend.  It was the first time I traveled the long distance to see him and his home.  I enjoyed myself, I miss him now too, but to imagine myself living with him so far away from my family . . . maybe that is the source of my anxiety.  Anyway its too early to think about that.  He is nice, I like him a lot.  He's sexy to me, even though when I was younger I might not have thought he was as sexy as I do now.  He's not rock ' roll sexy.  He's calm, trustworthy, responsible sexy. 

Anyway to get myself back on track, to stop overeating as I have this week so far, I'm going to start weighing myself everyday again and post it here on this site.  Maybe I'll start taking my measurements too.  Just need to reign myself in a little and focus more on my goals.

p.s. It's a new moon last night and tonight.  Time for new moon prayers.

8/7 - homescale 182 lbs.

8/12 - homescale 180.5 lbs.

8/14 - homescale 182 lbs. :(

8/15 - homescale 183 lbs.  ARRRGH!!!!

Mother

Its been a full moon the last 2 nights and all of a sudden I now have Restless Leg Syndrome; this finally forced me to go to the doctor.   With a combination of the constant pain from my rotator cuff, always being tired, and now restless leg syndrome causing constant pain, I finally decided to see my doctor.

However it was not my doctor who helped me figure out what caused the restless leg syndrome, that was my mom.   Mom suggested I'm so tired all the time because I need iron.  I looked up restless leg syndrome and one of the web pages said that it is often associated with iron deficiency.  So I took iron supplements and the resless leg syndrome disappeared for about 6 hours.   Then I woke up in the middle of the night needing more iron, but taking more iron then caused nausea.

Also taking iron causes constipation, so I will have to buy a stool softener tomorrow too.  Lovely discussion on a blog, huh?  But its important to figure out all these parts of what is going on.

The other thing I learned at the doctor's office is that I've gained 7 pounds since I joined Weight Watchers 4 weeks ago.  That's almost 2 lbs a week -- and -- while taking liver cleanse detox supplements, tumeric supplements for swelling, and arnica supplements to help my shoulder heal!  That's after losing 2 pounds the first week!!   So that is disturbing and definately tells me I'm doing something wrong.  So I did start writing down everything I'm eating and I did go grocery shopping to make sure I have some good healthy foods, and I did go walking 3 times today too.  So I'm trying to fight the good fight, please help me god.  Honestly . . . please help me god!

I don't know why I've been gaining weight at such an alarming rate when it seems like I'm not eating enough and I'm taking herbal cleanse detox supplements, but maybe its just that my overall nutrition is so depleted that my body is just going crazy looking for the nutrients it needs.  Dr Joel Fuhrman writes that one should never do a detox when what is really needed is to build up nutrient reserves.  Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong.  Otherwise, I have no idea what is going on but I know I need a good nutritionist.

Oh and guess what advice my doctor gave me, she said I need to lose weight.  Duh!!!  So how much do I weigh? As of today I weigh 188.3 lbs and wear size 16!!!  Crazy!!   When I started school in Sept 2012 I was so healthy, my dog was so healthy, my parents were relatively healthy.  Then I started school and there was so much school work, I was always so tired that I stopped exercising and started living on coffee and chocolate.  It has cost me so much.  The 2 years in 10-months schooling cost more than my Bachleors Degreee and it damaged my rotator cuff.  It was such a HUGE!!! mistake.  I so regret it.  I'm so mad at that decision now.  I hate the world right now.  And all it did was delay dealing with my the pain of the divorce and losing First Love.  What a way to hobble myself.  Grrrrrr.