Last summer after First Love rejected me a second time, I felt desperate and sought the help of a therapist. She is someone who believes in new age stuff, and she doesn't have the authority to prescribe drugs so I felt safe with her.
I think she helped me. I'm not sure though. In some ways talking with her exacerbated my feelings because I was stirring things up and looking at them, rather than ignoring them. So it's hard to say whether she helped or hurt. I know that I acted more impetuously and dramatically than any other time in my life; as if she validated my feelings and that gave me the confidence to act on those feelings. I can't decide if that was good or bad, but it was embarrassing. In any case, I decided to try seeing her again. I hope it will be helpful because now that school is done all the stuff I've been avoiding is flooding back into consciousness.
I'd been talking to the only other person on earth who understands, has an inkling of, what it was like with the man I was married to. There were two clear and distinct times when I earnestly worried that he was coldly trying to figure out how he could kill me and get away with it. My strong suspicions led to me fleeing from him in those two situations that month. I don't know if I told anyone. Even if I did, people tend to forget things like that, brush me off as if I was over-reacting.
I know it sounds paranoid, especially considering that an earlier time I wondered if he was slowly poisoning me. I don't believe i told anyone that, because it was too hard for me to believe. I just remember noticing that I'd be dizzy a lot when he was home, and fine when he was working out of town. I came to the conclusion that I must hyperventilate out of nervousness when he was around, which must have been the cause of my dizziness. It happened for about a year, him home 3-4 months, gone 3-4 months working, home 3-4 months, etc. Around that same time I found an oddly small size, almost child size, of bikini underpants in our laundry. They did not belong to me. I never found out where they came from but I reasoned they might have been my best friend's who was a recent house guest, even thought I knew she wore the same size large panties I wear. We had been roommates and friends for for many years and often did our laundry together.
In the past I went to psychics for help, but they left a sour taste in my mouth. It's too imprecise and has the danger of inciting real harm. I mean to say, if they predict good positive things it might be comforting but wrong and then I feel disappointed, and if they predict negative things I might make them come true just due to the suggestion -- like in MacBeth or Hamlet: witches predictions, ghosts pleas for vengence. If you believe in the supernatural you know that the nature of reality is difficult to pin down. Who is to say that all familiar spirits are not deceitful demons anyway? That shadowy world is just all too confusing, and more confusion in the midst of confusion isn't helpful.
So yes, I'll be seeing a counselor again. I was married to someone who likely is mentally ill and I would like help seeing things more clearly and with more balance. I hope it will be helpful. Fingers crossed.
I think she helped me. I'm not sure though. In some ways talking with her exacerbated my feelings because I was stirring things up and looking at them, rather than ignoring them. So it's hard to say whether she helped or hurt. I know that I acted more impetuously and dramatically than any other time in my life; as if she validated my feelings and that gave me the confidence to act on those feelings. I can't decide if that was good or bad, but it was embarrassing. In any case, I decided to try seeing her again. I hope it will be helpful because now that school is done all the stuff I've been avoiding is flooding back into consciousness.
I'd been talking to the only other person on earth who understands, has an inkling of, what it was like with the man I was married to. There were two clear and distinct times when I earnestly worried that he was coldly trying to figure out how he could kill me and get away with it. My strong suspicions led to me fleeing from him in those two situations that month. I don't know if I told anyone. Even if I did, people tend to forget things like that, brush me off as if I was over-reacting.
I know it sounds paranoid, especially considering that an earlier time I wondered if he was slowly poisoning me. I don't believe i told anyone that, because it was too hard for me to believe. I just remember noticing that I'd be dizzy a lot when he was home, and fine when he was working out of town. I came to the conclusion that I must hyperventilate out of nervousness when he was around, which must have been the cause of my dizziness. It happened for about a year, him home 3-4 months, gone 3-4 months working, home 3-4 months, etc. Around that same time I found an oddly small size, almost child size, of bikini underpants in our laundry. They did not belong to me. I never found out where they came from but I reasoned they might have been my best friend's who was a recent house guest, even thought I knew she wore the same size large panties I wear. We had been roommates and friends for for many years and often did our laundry together.
In the past I went to psychics for help, but they left a sour taste in my mouth. It's too imprecise and has the danger of inciting real harm. I mean to say, if they predict good positive things it might be comforting but wrong and then I feel disappointed, and if they predict negative things I might make them come true just due to the suggestion -- like in MacBeth or Hamlet: witches predictions, ghosts pleas for vengence. If you believe in the supernatural you know that the nature of reality is difficult to pin down. Who is to say that all familiar spirits are not deceitful demons anyway? That shadowy world is just all too confusing, and more confusion in the midst of confusion isn't helpful.
No comments:
Post a Comment