Tale

I really honestly believed in fairy tale ideas of true love.  I still believe in that kind of love, but I used to believe it was something I could have, and now I wonder if . . . I wonder if . . . maybe if its not possible for me, maybe it doesn't exsist for anyone?  But that's awfully mean thinking isn't it?

I choose to still believe in fairy tale true love.

I have prayed for true love.   You know what I got?   A whole bunch of very nice men interested in me.  That is encouraging, except I don't know if I am interested in any of them.  It's like when I was young all over again.  Men interested in me, but my interest was stuck on the one and only person who it felt like a miracle when we found each other. 

I've liked lots of men.  Lots of men would be very nice to live with.  But only one felt like a miracle.  That was First Love.   I had such a hard time getting over him.  I never felt that sense of miracle again.   I was always grateful that my husband married me.  I was always grateful to him and we had some fine times.   It kind of felt like a miracle that we got married, but what was different?   I didn't feel it was a miracle that we found each other, even though our meeting was much more unlikely if I told you the circumstances:  My ex-husband lived in another country and grew up in a different culture.  My First Love grew up in my home town, nothing remarkable about that at all.  The miracle was that I never expected to find anyone who would "get me" in my home town.  I always felt like an odd ball.  For my ex-husband to like me made more sense to me, because I never felt at home in my hometown anyway.   It isn't logical, my silly ideas of love and myself.

Anyway, Mom was right.  She didn't like first love and he did hurt me, twice.   So I don't know what to think about anything now.   My judgement bad.  Mom's judgement good.   If I can't trust myself then I'm totally lost, right?

Well ideas of true love, of people who are meant for each other, or choose each other above all others, while that might have been true of me towards him, it obviously wasn't true of him towards me so that bursts that balloon.  

So now I have to make do.

I don't know how.  How to start over?.  I have to be able to make some kind of decision.

Different men, all nice in different ways, but all selfish too, no one who is that "into me" anyway, maybe I'm oversensative since the divorce but I see all these men as not into me enough.  I actually had a man tell me that he didn't want to jeopardize his daughter's inheiratence so he was not interested in marrying, only in sex.  !!!  This from a man who is morbidly obese and crippled with arthritis among other health complaints. Even if he was a young and healthy Cary Grant, I mean that is so shocking to me.   I mean obviously that is just too selfish to even respond to.    For that matter, First Love was selfish too.  That's the truth.  So maybe I need to pray for someone new.  Be specific about who I'm looking for, his qualities.  Maybe I better get that straight in my head first, and then pray. 

Oh well, my marriage was nice for a while, it was comfortable and fun.  I just needed to learn how to influence him to be less selfish.  I never accomplished that, so instead ended it.

I really need to remind myself that First Love was really a stupid jerk to me.   Sometimes I plead "Go Away!" but then I retract it and say "I don't really mean it."  You did betray me First Love, twice.  It's more than I can get my head around sometiems.  I don't know why it's so hard to let it go.  It's not that hard to let go of anyone else.  Why is that one relationship, that relatively short relationship so important to me?  It irritates me, how I won't let it go.  I'm sorry First Love for not being able to let go, when you obviously want me to.  Right?  You are a bad-breaker upper though.  You give no emotional closure just a slam in the face with a great big question mark "Why?"