Spell

I'm going to try to write a spell for what I'm looking for in a man, then do a ritual and see what happens.

Dear God,

What I'm looking for in a husband, please bring a man to me who is the one you wish for me, and bring me to him, as the one you wish for him. Please consider my wishes as well as his:

1. I wish for a married relationship in this lifetime with this man you choose, who is stronger and better than anyone I've ever known.

2. I wish for a positive, growing relationship with my husband that you choose for me, and for him, and our community as well.  A relationship that makes each of us stronger and better people as a couple than either of us could have been as singles.

3. I wish for our relationship to be one where we feel strong commitment to each other, where we give to each other freely with no strings attached , and by doing so win the heart of each other.

4. I wish for our relationship to endure throughout our lives growing stronger and more committed, more loving, caring, and adoring with each passing day.

5. Prepare each of us for a relationship with each other, then please bring us together when the time is right, and show us how we are good for each other, so we rush to each other recognizing that we are meant for each other.

6. I wish our relationship to me monogamous and living in the same home so that we can enjoy erotic and romantic interludes with each other that are frequent and deeply satisfying.

7. I wish our relationship is one of deep respect, honesty, and ever deepening love.

8.  Thank you god for making me the perfect rose for him, and he the perfect rose for me.  That I am the yin to his yang.  Thank you god for us coming to each other out of our seperate need for each other to scratch the other's itch.   The perfect mobius strip that is love.

9. Thank you god for making him a financially conservative man, who values stability as a basis for a very creative life.

10. Thank you god for making him a man who is natural leader in a calm, loving and generous way, allowing me to express my real nature, to be the one he adores and cherishes with all of his heart, just as I do him.  Where we live to please each other, and help our family, friends and neighbors generously.

Thank you God for manifesting my husband and our relationship in this lifetime.  Amen.

Self-talk

Do you think it's possible I could talk myself into being skinny and staying skinny forever?  I would really like to do that.  Let's see what advice others give on self-talk to be skinny forever.

Couldn't find any so I'll make up my own:
1. Good girls enjoy the feeling of being truely hungry.

2. Good girls enjoy hunger pangs.

3. Good girls prefer feeling hungry to feeling fat.

4. Good girls know feeling hungry means less stinky gas, less stinky poo, and more healthy activity.

5. Good girls are pro ana.

6.  Good girls deserve to look beautiful and sexy in clothes, and to be gorgeous and healthy.

Reverence

Starting this minute I am replacing bad eating habits for healthy eating habits forever.

Starting this minute I am replacing inertia with regular activity forever.

 I am grateful that god loves me so much to make me slim and healthy forever.

I am slim and healthy and grateful to god as my slender figure is revealed forever.

Reflexion

Today I trust that god has my best interests in mind and at heart.

Today I lean into and trust god.

Today I thank god for my many blessings.

See this picture?  This is my figure one year from today.

Yesterday when I went for a walk I realized I was more tired than usual, with less stamina than usual, and that made me wonder what I weigh.  Last time I weighed myself I was in the 190s.

So I weighed myself. I weighed 207 on the home scale.  That made me feel so disappointed in myself.  I have to get a handle on myself.   I am learning a way of dealing with stressful situations that will help me lose weight rather than gain.

Today I am careful what I eat.

Today I track what I eat.

Today I am active.

Today I believe god is looking out for me and helping me love myself.

Together

I must let go of the past by looking with optimism towards the future.

I like Joel Osteen the encouraging tv evangelist.  I heard or read him say that people know what they are doing wrong; they come to church to be encouraged that they can change.  And that's why he is so encouraging like the motivational speakers who rally people to sell Amway products, just like the "Ask and It is Given" manifestation couple did to make their first fortune, before "The Secret."

So I want that motivational encouragement from Joel Osteen.  Why?  Because the only way I can think of letting go of the pain of the past is to consciously work on letting go of that pain by simultaneously changing behaviours that are filled with great love.  Treat myself the way I think my nice boyfriend should treat me.  Treat myself better.  Treat myself even better than the way I treat those I love.  To learn how to be loving again.  Loving to myself and loving to others.

In airplanes the stewards remind you that in the case of emergency put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others.  That's because in the case of an emergency hypoxia could set in in a matter of seconds, death within seconds.  There is no way to help anyone else if you are unconscious.  So help yourself first in order to help others.  That's the rule in an emergency situation.

I tended to be grumpy and impatient the past 2 years.  I need to lighten up and laugh more.  I need to be more pleasant with the people I love.  I need to lighten up my heart.

I also needed to look at the reality of eating disorders.  Bringing all that information together led me to see a twist on the "Fat is a Feminist Issue" (published 1978) class issue argument; it seems to me that nowdays fat has become a capitalist issue, a product of our current American consumer society where the few controlling mega-corportations are happy to get us all to eat as much as possible, and to eschew the image of a healthier slim figure.

Physically it is healthier to eat less, even with periods of partial starvation, as long as your weight stays in the normal MBI range.  Once you get down to underweight then it's almost as dangerous as being obese.  It is estimated that less than 1% up to 8-9% of Americans are underweight with a BMI up to 18.5%.  The truth remains that 35-36% of Americans are obese with a BMI greater than 30.  Considering those statistics do not include the 31% of Amrericans are overweight with a BMI of 25-30, leaving less than 1/3, a mere 25% of Americans are in the normal range BMI of 18.5-25,  to my way of thinking overeating is a much bigger problem than the eating disorders that are defined as eating behaviours that exclude overweight and obesity.

Restart

New moon.  New START now.

It's July.  One week after the anniversary when First Boyfriend blew me off to start dating ugly Raggedy Andie - an ugly, tall, red head with bad taste.

Do I sound bitter?  The first time First Boyfriend blew me off when we were in our 20s was the hardest time in my life.  Then last year he did it again.  So maybe I have bad judgement, huh?  I guess we are all entitled to our own mistakes; I have to forgive myself, and him, but mostly myself.  Partly I do, I learned this second time that he most definately is a bad breaker-upper.  He makes you feel all loved and secure then out of nowhere, nowhere, he drops you cold.  Cold.  Stops communication ubruptly, no explanations.  He did that to me both times. 

I got to meet the girlfriend he dated in 2010 and he did the same thing to her.  Its so shocking.  And to a girl in her 20s in love for the first time, it was completely and utterly shattering to me.  No wonder I never got over him.  So with this second break up it was sort of gift to see what happened the first time, but with new more experienced eyes.  Tohelp  forgive myself, if I can, for ruining my life up till this point because I was pining over someone all my life who would do such a thing to me, and to other women too.  Still how could I be so stupid to have ruined my whole life just trying to get over him?  Its a lot to have to forgive myself for.

Oddly enough when we started being friends again in 2010 he asked my advice about that 2010 girlfriend; he had already broken up with her but she was angry and demanding he meet her for an explanation of why he broke up with her. I remember talking to him on the phone and very clearly thinking, "I have to be careful.  I have to give him the same advice I would want him to follow if he was talking to me."  So I told him to be honest with her and answer her questions to help her find closure.  He argued with me, he said no explanations help, they are all an insult and so its better to give no explanations.  When I became acquainted with her I never spoke with her about him very much; I could tell she still had feelings for him and I did too, so it was too close and too raw.

I am seeing someone nice. He is nice.  He lives too far away.  He says I'm "different" all the time; that kind of puts me off.  It's not like the first time someone has thought I was weird, in fact, that is my most frequent experience, actually.  I'm weird to many people, or they are weird to me and I mirror that -- I'm not sure how it all works.

I watched Oprah channel on Sunday with interviews of a singer named India Arie, the Secret of abundance encourager Wayne Dyer, and new age healer Caroline Myss.  They were all good interviews.  Very helpful, the singer India said things in such a way that really hit home, intensely personal and touching.  India Arie spoke of integrating the shadow self with her song "Break the Shell".  It was illuminating.  I have to listen to it more.  I wish I could see that interview again.  Caroline Myss expounded on that by talking of archetypes, and learning from the archetypes that we identify with.  Wayne Dyer spoke of how we are a soul who is constantly inhabiting a new, ever changing,  body.  How the cells in our bodies change, every 7 years we have a totally new body.  Interesting the way those stories fit together.

So I have to start positive self talk now, today, this instant.

Fingers crossed to me and all of us.

Visualizing

I reached the weight where I have officially gone from obese to overweight.  188+ is obese, 187 is overweight.  From here I sigh relief to be merely overweight.  I cannot tell you how happy I am.  I just want to rest here now, enjoy this wonderful feeling of being more slim than I was.  Of having people notice that I've lost weight.

Of course I still have to focus on new goals, my ultimate goal of reaching 120 lbs.

But it does feel wonderful to be here.  And I am enjoying this.  Its funny how I know I am still very heavy, but I just can't help feeling proud anyway. And I think I should enjoy feeling proud too.  I think I should feel as proud as I can and remember this feeling of pride too.  Remember this feeling of pride while visualizing myself at my ultimate goal weight.

Here are the three steps of the creative process for achieving your intentions from the Secret:  Ask, Believe, Receive and Think, Feel, Act.

Step 1 Think. Ask: You must ask from the heart in ernest. You must always remain positive on it. Negative thoughts can prevent it from coming into being.  Whether big or small you can create it in your life.

Step 2 Feel.  Believe: Clear your mind. Learn to see what you are thinking about. The secret here is certanty. The law of attraction is a science. See what you want in your mind and own it. Be certain it is yours, feel it. Feeling it leads to a stronger belief.  If you see what is negative and destructive to you, see that for what it is. Replace it with positive thoughts.  Affirmations, meditation, mind power, visualizations are great tools. Just believe that what you asked for is real and is yours for the taking. Live your life.  Close your eyes from time to time and live what you asked for and believe that is already real for you right now. You can convince your mind into believing it is real and you mind will make it so. It is connected to the all.

Step 3 Act.  Receive: Anticipate receiving what you asked for. It is real and wants to be a part of you. When you see it coming to you accept it for it is your birthright. You run your life.  Enjoy and be grateful for what you bring or manifest into your life. Remember to pay it forward. When you achieve what you set out to teach others to do the same.