female sex oil

from unnamed source

Evening Primrose oil is a natural uterine stimulant. I have found that it works wonders if you insert one soft gel capsule into your vagina about 30 minutes to an hour before sexual activity. It increases sensitivity and heightens arousal. WARNING: If you are pregnant or are attempting to get pregnant DO NOT use evening primrose oil. While it is not dangerous, it can cause miscarriage. It is often used by women who go past term and want to induce labor. It is also fantastic for acne, rosacea, PMS, diabetic nerve damage, and menopause.

from Ingredients to Die For blog Natural Oils with known Aphrodisiac Properties

In the world of Aromatherapy there are many valuable essential oils that are used to affect a definite impact on different systems, within the body.  These essential oils, are the life blood of the plant, and are created, and used, by the plant to achieve very specific goals, necessary for the plant to survive, and thrive, in it's environment.  If it is in close proximity to the sun it will create the chemicals necessary to help it absorb those powerful UV rays, and re-emit them as heat, to avoid being damaged (injured).  If it requires UV rays, to thrive (as do citrus fruits) they will create the chemical that attracts these powerful rays, in order to thrive (ripen).  This list goes on, and on.  Plants are amazing in what they can do, through the development of chemicals, to help themselves.  In Aromatherapy, we capitolize on those chemicals, and their activity, by utilizing them in all manner of applications, and products, to benefit our own ability to thrive, in our own environment.

Though there are many uses, for these chemicals, from detoxing, to fighting respiratory ailments, to calming you before an interview or test, to stimulating you to stay awake during a long drive ... this page is about Aphrodisiacs.  There are several plants that create chemicals that attract, and seduce.  The tobacco plant, being over run by the worms, creates a chemical that attracts the moth that eats the worms ... how amazing is that!?   There are several essential oils (CO2 extracts, and absolutes, being included here for simplicity of this topic though they are not the same) that we can use to attract the opposite sex.  They can be very powerful, even intoxicating, on our phsyche, and physical state. 

Those that are well known for their aphrodisiac activity are:

• Ambrette Seed CO2
• Cardamom Essential Oil / CO2
• Carnation Absolute
• Clary Sage (to be used with caution)
• Coriander CO2
• Davana Essential Oil (to be used with caution)
• Ginger CO2
• Jasmine Absolute / CO2
• Neroli Essential Oil / Absolute
• Nutmeg Essential Oil (not to be used with pregnancy)
• Patchouli Dark, and Patchouli Light, Essential Oil
• Rock Rose (Labdanum) Essential Oil
• Rosewood Essential Oil
• Sandalwood Essential Oil
• Vanilla Absolute / CO2
• Ylang Ylang First, and Extra, Essential Oil / Absolute

Pick, and choose, from these oils, complimenting their fragrance with small amounts of other oils, to build your favorite sensual blend, spray your linens, or the air, with your love potion ... dim the lights ... start the soft music ... and you'll go a lot further at creating that perfect, romantic, evening than you would with a fragrance candle burning in the background.

Vanilla Long touted as an aphrodisiac, the scent of vanilla can cause arousal and stimulation in both men and women. Nagel says that vanilla may be “soft, almost sweet, but it has a strong, intense, and animalistic facet.” As an added bonus, according to Dr. Warren: “Vanilla produces the feeling of happiness universally around the world. Of all the materials that go in fragrances, vanilla is the most liked globally.”

Jasmine According to Dr. Warren, jasmine is the most sensual of all the notes. What makes it unique is that it is a sweet floral note that also has an animalistic characteristic thanks to the presence of indole. What’s indole you ask? It’s an aromatic compound that also happens to be found in human nether regions. Kinky little flower, isn’t it? According to Nagel, jasmine exudes “an optimistic solar scent, but with a sensual facet.” Imagine the bubbly girl next door by day, temptress by night.

Peppermint Aaccording to Nagel, it’s an overall “energizing scent, with fresh and fusing notes that release feelings of excitement.” Scientific studies have also repeatedly shown that the smell of peppermint has a positive effect on mental stimulation, alertness, and physiological arousal. Dr. Warren agrees that “peppermint is a fragrance that really stimulates and opens all the senses with a secondary effect of making people feel happy.” As far as we’re concerned, these are all good things when it comes to spending time with a mate.

These are the ingredients of Zestra products:

What are Zestra^® Essential Arousal Oils^™ingredients?

Zestra’s unique, patented blend of botanical oils and extracts create deep pleasurable sensations. The botanical ingredients in Zestra include:

PA-free Borage Seed Oil, 

Evening Primrose Oil, 

Angelica Extract, 

Coleus Forskholii Extract, 

Theobromine, 

and the Anti-Oxidants, ascorbyl polmitate/Vitamin C and 

tocopheral/Vitamin E. 

Zestra’s botanical ingredients work together to safely and effectively enhance female sexual pleasure, sensation, sensitivity and satisfaction.

How does Zestra work?

Zestra is clinically proven to increase desire, arousal and satisfaction in 70% of women. It works by heightening a woman’s sense of touch – for deep, pleasurable sensations, sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. After applying Zestra to the clitoris and labia, the effects – the Zestra Rush™ – begin for most women within 3 to 5 minutes and last for up to 45 minutes.

How does Zestra compare to other products on the market?

Zestra is hormone-free and topically applied. It is the only product documented to increase a woman’s feelings of desire and arousal in a published peer-reviewed medical journal.

What are the ingredients in Zestra Glide?

Zestra Glide is paraben free and contains only the following ingredients:

• Purified Water
• Natural Vegetable Glycerine
• Hydroxyethylcellulose
• Xanthan Gum
• Sodium Citrate
• Aloe Vera Leaf Extract
• Citric Acid
• Potassium Sorbate
• Vitamin E

Does Zestra Glide contain polyquaternium-15?

Zestra Glide does not contain polyquaternium-15, a chemical that has a formaldehyde-releasing compound, found in some other lubricants and personal care products.

What is the pH of Zestra Glide?

The pH of Zestra Glide is within the normal vaginal pH range of 3.8-4.5. Because of this, Zestra Glide will not interfere with your delicate vaginal pH stability.

Will Zestra Glide stain?

Zestra Glide will not stain your sheets or clothing and because it’s water-based, Zestra Glide washes off easily with just soap and warm water.

Can Zestra Glide be used in conjunction with Zestra Essential Arousal Oils?

Yes. Zestra Glide was designed to be the perfect accompaniment to our flagship product Zestra Essential Arousal Oils. If using together, be sure to apply Zestra Essential Arousal Oil first, wait 3-5 minutes for it to take effect and then apply Zestra Glide for even more sexual comfort and enjoyment.

So to make my own vegan, cruelty-free, nontoxic, and zero waste version that is where I will start.

In addition Province Apothecrary Sex Oil ingredients are 100% Cruelty-Free and Vegan:

 | Fractionated Coconut Oil, 

Sunflower Seed Oil*, 

Evening Primrose Oil*, 

GMO-free Vitamin E and 

Rosemary Leaf Extract. | 

*Certified Organic Ingredients.

Our Sex Oil is free from: Alcohol (drying + irritating), Glycerin (drying + irritating), parabens (endocrine disruptor, mimics estrogen), petroleum products (irritating + suffocating to the skin), harsh preservatives (cellular mutator + irritating to the skin) and synthetic fragrances or colour.

IT Warming Arousal Oil Ingredients (contains no No L-Arginine | No Parabens):

Avocado oil, 

Macadamia oil, 

Velvet bean oil infused, 

Cinnamon essential oil, 

Vitamin E, 

Ginkgo Biloba essential oil, 

Kava oil infused, 

Silica,  -makes me break out

Rosemary essential oil, 

Clove essential oil, 

Ginger essential oil.

IT Cooling Arousal Oil ingredients (contains no No L-Arginine | No Parabens):

Avocado oil, 

Macadamia oil, 

Velvet bean oil infused, 

Ginkgo Biloba essential oil, 

Vitamin E, 

Silica, -makes me break out

Kava oil infused, 

Cinnamon essential oil, 

Rosemary essential oil, 

Peppermint essential oil, 

Spearmint essential oil, 

Ginger essential oil.

Vigorelle Personal Lubricant to increase female libido:

L-Arginine HCI is an amino acid that works to increase micro-circulation by opening up blood vessels at the site of the application.

Gingko Biloba Increases moisture retention in the upper layers of the skin, and soothes irritation. A natural anti-biotic and cleanser rich in bioflavinoids.

Wild Yam - Rhizoma Dioscorea Villosae Also called Mexican Wild Yam or Colic Root, this valuable plant has become very well known in the last few years for its remarkable abilities to stimulate and balance human hormone production.

Damiana Leaf - Folium Turneraceae The most amazing use of this herb from the sub tropics is for individuals with chronic loss of sexual power.

Suma Root - Radix Pfaffiae Paniculatae Suma root is the perfect ideal of balance and endurance.

Peppermint Leaf - Folium Menthae Piperitae In addition to peppermint's many other great health qualities , it is used as a delivery agent to help the absorption of other substances through cell membranes.

Vitamin A, C & E Complex Hyaluronic Acid Aloe Vera Gel This category provides the nutrients for healthy regeneration of tissue and additionally acts as powerful antioxidants to ensure maximum circulation throughout the body.

Sorry for myself

Dear God,


I'm feeling sorry for myself again.   Please prepare me for a truly reciprocal lovingly committed,  monogamous sexual relationship with someone you wish for me, and I for that person.


I love my family, and I am happy to be with them, I am lucky. 


I'm sorry to ask for more than you have already blessed me with.


I feel sorry for myself because I sometimes feel so cheated in regards to losing first love and not being able to get over him which prompted me to divorce my ex in hopes of being with first love and now being completely and utterly uninvolved romantically with anyone. Part of me thinks I'm so stupid I deserve it, but part me is just so sad and lonely.  I have yet to find lifelong lasting reciprocal dedicated romantic love.  I worry about the future, financially, sexually, and emotionally.


Again I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself.


I love you God.  Thank you.

Village

It takes a village to get me being healthy again.

For my birthday one friend bought me sexy underwear from Torrid.  Its really nice quality and I don't hate the way I look in it.  It inspired me.

Then a second friend showed me her new corset and sent me links to corset sites.  So i bought three! Haven't received them yet, but toying with the idea of doing corset training as made famous by Kim Kardashian. 

Its a form of body modification that involves moving the lower ribs in a little bit and rearranging your organs a bit, so you have to understand what you are doing and ear clean otherwise it could cause serious pain and possible injury.

So a third friend suggested I start eating clean right away instead of waiting till corsets arrive.  So did that!

Coincidently a fourth friend suggested we start walking on out lunch hour.  So we did three times last week.  Each day I was more tired than the previous day, it was clear I am very out of shape.

Just from eating clean and walking I lost 2 pounds.
From 221 pounds on Wednesday Jan 20
to 219 pounds on Saturday Jan 23.
Then i got the flu on Sunday and ate nothing,
Monday I took a day off work and when i tried eating had diarrhea, which though disgusting, meant I lost another 4 pounds
when I weighed myself on Tuesday  Jan 26 down to 215.
This morning January 28 I am down to 214.6 pounds.

When I measured my waist for a corset it was 42.5" before I started eating clean and walking.  Will report more as I measure and weigh self again!

Love, love, love becoming slim again!!!!

p.s. Plus I didn't mention the biggest motivator for wanting to lose weight is to be sexy for a particular boyfriend again, I'll refer to him as Mack.  That was what motivated me to want to lose weight in the past too when I was successful; but this time its a different man, the only other man who has motivated me to want to lose weight.  That means something.  I want him to meet my parents, I want to learn about my parents, I want to be the best I can be for him.  I haven't ever felt exactly like this before. It is a singular reaction to a singular man.

Friday Jan 29 up to 215.6 pounds
Saturday Jan 30 up to 216.2 pounds

Sunday jan 31 down to 216 pounds

Monday feb 1 down to 215.2pounds

Tuesday feb 2 down to 215 pounds

Wednesday feb 3 down to 213.8 pounds.

UPDATE:  Returned all three corsets even though they were very pretty, very pretty! But due to feeling embarrassed for having them, and they didn't give me the wasp waist I sought.  Have since bought two corsets that I can wear underclothing and give me the waist I was hoping for.

Spell

I'm going to try to write a spell for what I'm looking for in a man, then do a ritual and see what happens.

Dear God,

What I'm looking for in a husband, please bring a man to me who is the one you wish for me, and bring me to him, as the one you wish for him. Please consider my wishes as well as his:

1. I wish for a married relationship in this lifetime with this man you choose, who is stronger and better than anyone I've ever known.

2. I wish for a positive, growing relationship with my husband that you choose for me, and for him, and our community as well.  A relationship that makes each of us stronger and better people as a couple than either of us could have been as singles.

3. I wish for our relationship to be one where we feel strong commitment to each other, where we give to each other freely with no strings attached , and by doing so win the heart of each other.

4. I wish for our relationship to endure throughout our lives growing stronger and more committed, more loving, caring, and adoring with each passing day.

5. Prepare each of us for a relationship with each other, then please bring us together when the time is right, and show us how we are good for each other, so we rush to each other recognizing that we are meant for each other.

6. I wish our relationship to me monogamous and living in the same home so that we can enjoy erotic and romantic interludes with each other that are frequent and deeply satisfying.

7. I wish our relationship is one of deep respect, honesty, and ever deepening love.

8.  Thank you god for making me the perfect rose for him, and he the perfect rose for me.  That I am the yin to his yang.  Thank you god for us coming to each other out of our seperate need for each other to scratch the other's itch.   The perfect mobius strip that is love.

9. Thank you god for making him a financially conservative man, who values stability as a basis for a very creative life.

10. Thank you god for making him a man who is natural leader in a calm, loving and generous way, allowing me to express my real nature, to be the one he adores and cherishes with all of his heart, just as I do him.  Where we live to please each other, and help our family, friends and neighbors generously.

Thank you God for manifesting my husband and our relationship in this lifetime.  Amen.

Gutted

Manchester broke up with me.  I adore him.

Now life is hard again, heavier, and dulls my capacity to take it all in sometimes, the evil sea of black swallowing the small islands of love and hope.

"No i dont wanna fall in love with you" the song wicked games by chris isaak is playing right now. The same song that inspired manchester's friends song, with some of the note sequences, winding, caught in branches, brought there by the winds, and whispering throughout that song. "Nobody loves no one"

Gosh God, you keep reassuring me its going to be ok. Is that what you told the mothers and babies walking into Auschwitz too?  "It's going to be ok."

Falling

Dear Blogger,

I am falling in love with Manchester.  I am falling in love with Manchester.  I don't know what to do.  He is treasure.  Everything I know about him makes me adore him, everything I learn about him makes me want to learn even more.

He is unlike the ordinary mortals in the world; he is magic.  He is real magic.  He is open and vulnerable and the sweetest man I've ever known.

I don't know what to do.

We met April 20, 2015 when he answered my lonely hearts ad.  What am I supposed to do with myself now?   I have a man who wants me as a booty call in the city where I live.  I have a man in the next state who I enjoy spending time with but lately he's too busy to spend time with me..  And now there is Manchester who lives on another continent.  What am I to do?

I am in no position to move at this time.  I don't have money to spend traveling.  Yet, I must meet him in real life, because what I feel for him is stronger than I've felt for anyone.

Manchester, god, ancestors, please lead me to where you want me to be and who you want me to be with.  I think Manchester is the man made for me, but you know better, I submit to your will god.  Please help me.  Thank you.

Skype

We finally skyped!  I've seen and heard and flirted with Manchester.  We were both shy and nervous.  I really like him.

I don't like that I really like him.  Because I don't know how on god's green earth we will ever be able to be together.  I just know I want to be with him.

I want to jump into his lap, I wanted to kiss the screen where his lips are.   I wanted to smell his skin.  I could see his eyes.  "What color are your eyes?  Are they grey? or green?" "They are hazel, sometimes gray, sometimes green. I don't know why they change."

My womb is aching for him tonight. I can't sleep.

Better pray for the best to happen for all of us: me, him, our families.  Why do I have such a strong pull towards him?

Manchester

Dear Blog,

I met a new boy - Same Wavelength Man who from now on will be referred to as Manchester.  I don't know why I have such a strong attraction to this boy but my body is crying out to be with him.   I have NOT EVER felt anything stir in my right ovary, but my right ovary is stirring.   That feeling of extremely deep inside my womb joy is there.  I so hope that I can trust this feeling.  I so hope this boy is worthy of my affections.

I will refer to him as Manchester.  Manchester is nothing like I'm looking for now, he's more like what I was looking for when I was younger.  He's a musician artist.  Maybe poor.  Works solo.  Is prolific, which means he does it all the time; but at least most of his time is his own.  But working as an artist, I would be willing to bet he has no pension, no regular, dependable income.  But what do I know, I have not asked him.

I know my heart races when I think of him.  He makes me want to take better care of myself and it's been years since I've felt that way.

He gives me confidence to ask for things I had been too afraid to ask for but always wanted.

I've known him for a little more than a week, we're only pen-pals, never met in person, never even skyped and yet I'm starting to fall in love with him.  It's pretty scary.  Makes me want to cry.

My mom is against him, of course, oh and he is remarkably similar to my ex, except my ex was probably more financially stable or  higher earnings.  He lives in a city just a few miles north of where the ex was born, and grew up in  city just a few miles south of where my ex grew up.  They both have jobs in the arts, and interest in sciences.  They are the same sun sign.

Manchester was a bit of a waster in his youth when he did drugs; the ex did drugs too but he was at university and working, starting out his career. Manchester can be sort of a lad on facebook; but then I can be a 12-year unicorn loving pink and purple girl too.  I'm not picking on him. I'm trying to figure out what the hold is that he has on me.

I don't know where this will lead.  I have to careful that I don't waste my life on pipe dreams anymore.  But I have to have faith it will all be well if it's good for both of us.

Ok but I've written it down now.  Committed myself to blog.

Love xxxx

DOG PARTNER + RAT PARTNER: 72%

This couple shares many similarities: peace loving, independent and affectionate. The Rat is charming and hardworking while the Dog is loyal and considerate. However, this may lead to a dull relationship with too much compromise.

This union has the potential to be a very happy one. Mutual respect and mutual interests are the main hallmarks of this relationship, since both are extroverted but will respect one another to give each other the freedom necessary. Although the Rat may be more affectionate, the Dog will be diplomatic and easy-going enough to prevent petty bickering.

For a smoother relationship, as with all relationships, communication is key. As the Dog is a stickler for routine and quite set in its ways, the Rat has to give as much notice of changes of schedule as possible to the Dog in order to keep the peace. The Dog should also try to be more sensitive to the Rat’s emotions as the Rat often multitasks and gets stressed when things get out of control. Communicate what you need to each other and if you respond to each other’s needs, the relationship will thrive.

Measurements May 6, 2015: Bust 48" Waist 41" Hips: 47"   weight 212 lbs.

Veil

Well sadly Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had may have broken up with me tonight.  He's done this two other times and both those times I wondered if he was just doing it to manipulate me.

Happily I met someone new who even though its early stages, I feel on the same wavelength with him, in a way that I have never felt with anyone else.  It feels like such a relief. I hope that it works well for both of us.  I really like him  I'll refer to him as Same Wavelength Man. He sort of strikes me as the man I've been praying for.  He strikes me as a man I could love more deeply than anyone I've ever loved before.

I know very little about him so this is very premature, but I just know it feels different.

I am grateful that First Love threw me over, if it means that I get to have a deeper and more loving relationship than I have ever known.  I loved First Love deeply but he didn't love me as strongly and there was always a sense of unfinished business, until we met and dated again.  Now it feels like finished business, but a distasteful lesson.  A lesson that pushed me into god.

But with Same Wavelength Man .. . . I hope I'm right.  I hope however things work out, that they work out for the best.  We'll see.

Stereo

I asked Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had if he thought it was 51% likely or 51% unlikely that he would ever ask me to marry him.  He answered 51% unlikely.

I said that was very disappointing then I told him that I've been asked out by Old Friend.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had and I talked a lot about marriage and his fears and my experience, and we had a nice conversation about it.

Today we talked about it more, about how while I really like him, I can't live my life wanting someone to like me  more than they do.  I told him how I'd wasted a lot of time wanting First Love to care for me as much as I cared for him, and then when we had a second chance he threw me over just like he had the first time.  How I have to live in the real world, not my fantasies,  how I have to face reality.

I've been thinking about First Love in the midst of all this too.   It makes me feel humiliated that I liked him so much that I made a grand gesture to show him how much I cared about him, and how I wrote him such embarrassing emails.  I worry that he is not worthy of my strong feelings for him, and that he may have told people we both know that I was crazy.  I'm not crazy, but I was crazy for him.

I tried to warn him, although I'm sure he did not understand me, that I was really messed up from being married to Ex, and that I knew it would take at least 2 years for me to get back to being more balanced again.  First Love told me he'd would not wait 2 years for me, that he'd be an old man by then.  It took me over 2 years to get the divorce and in all that time I was getting better but it really took at least 4 years to have recovered from Ex.

 I feel much more balanced now, but a lot of that balance is due to dating Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had.  He calms me, he helps me accept myself and be more honest, less ashamed of everything I am, everything I do, more confident.  I really like Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, I really do wish he'd ask me to marry him.

But who knows?  Maybe Old Friend will help me feel even more confident and balanced.  I don't know.   We'll see what the future will bring.

Duvet

Full moon tonight.

Been thinking a lot about a lot lately.  Thinking about First Love, and being angry at him and yet grateful that I finally have resolution about that.  I still regret that I loved and lost him, but on the other hand, am grateful to have figured that he and I were a bad match.  Glad to have figured out I want, need, and deserve a more loving and trusting relationship than the one he and I had.

Still friends with Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had and wish he'd just ask me to marry him, but unexpectedly have been asked out by Old Friend.  Was very excited to date Old Friend, very excited, but not sure if we are a good match. We don't necessarily share common interests that are shared with Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, and I like that we have shared interests.

Old Friend is much more like every other guy I've dated: very optimistic, very friendly, very fast-moving, very masculine in more aggressive ways, I imagine he would push or encourage me to do things he thinks are healthy and positive.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever had is unlike any other guy I've dated: much more slow-moving, much more quiet, still very masculine and aggressive in ways that would not hurt anyone, perhaps more genuinely optimistic, more thoughtful than anyone I've ever dated.  Encourages me but isn't too insistent on it.  But cheap perhaps, although he enjoys giving me presents and cards for holidays.

It's hard to know what to think.  I know Nicest Boyfriend better and I like that he's unlike anyone else I've ever dated.  On the other hand, Old Friend does spark excitement with me.  We'll see what happens.

If you like it, then you better put a ring on it.  

I want to get married, 

if anyone wants me to date them exclusively
then they better ask me to marry them first.

Palm

Since I've decided I can relax into believing in god, I've decided I can also practice trusting god.  It's funny but a lifetime of denying my belief in god makes it hard to just accept and say I do believe in god and makes me question myself why I want to anyway.  I guess this is just part of my journey and I might just as well accept it graciously.

I do want to believe in god though, because I always had, I think I was almost born with that belief -- born with the knowledge of god and my choice to enter the body I entered, the family I became part of.  So choosing to believe in god feels like coming home; and yet, I've denied god for more years than I believed in god and so my skepticism is still strong.   It helps to have believers around me, to remind me when to give things up to god.

Giving things up to god is partially why I choose to believe in god.  It's such a relief to stop worrying about things I can't change and trust that all will work out as it should for the best of all.  That does not mean I accept the notion that as a Christian god will grant me special favors, but it does mean that psychologically I have a reason to relax and allow the world to be the world without ruffling my feathers too much.

Giving things up to god means that when I don't get what I want, then I trust that they are things that were not good for me; that god has better things in store for me.   That god closed a door to protect me.   I choose to believe this because it allows me to remain hopeful for the future, and to be able to close the door to the past.

I still trip over feelings of loss for First Love, but if I repeat over and over "it is for the best" then I start to look for reasons why that might be true.  I immediately remember First Love's sexual identity deviance - the way he enjoyed dressing up as a woman, the way the Ex also enjoyed that.  I tell myself, "You see?  It would not have worked out because I would not complement him very well at all.  In fact he is the opposite of what I'm looking for.  I'm an extremely feminine woman and seek a man who is very happy to be man -- that is who I complement".

And when Local Guy tells me he's going to call me for a date, but then I find out on facebook that his romance has bloomed with someone else instead, I look at her profile and realize that if he's attracted to her I'm glad it didn't work out between him and I because she is really skanky.

And when I can't get over being attracted to Scarey Guy even though I knew immediately we were not good for each other, I can go to his facebook page and be reminded time after time just how lucky I am that I told him right away that things were unfavorable for us going out.

When Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had says, "It's out of my hands, it's with a higher power."  Then I immediately relax and allow the world to be the world, I stop worrying. And this is all a choice, but it's a choice that works better than anything else I've ever found to help me get over difficult situations.

Thank you to everyone who helped me see this choice is available to me.

Fallopian

I've been feeling aching in my right fallopian tube all day today.  I'd felt in the past month quite strongly a few days too.   When I feel that aching I associate with First Love nowadays.  It's the left fallopian tube I could always feel everytime I ovulated on that side.  I didn't feel the right side, only the left.

Since feeling all the stuff I felt when First Love married ManClown Po'Donkey, I've associated that aching with him.  My feelings for him, I guess.   So I wonder what is going on.  Why do I keep feeling that aching lately?

Is he pulling away from me even more?   Am I trying to pull him back to me?  Or is thinking about me and he's pulling me closer to him?  I don't think so, I think it's all to do with my feelings about him, not vice versa.

It's interesting.  I don't know what to make of it though.

I'm working more hours at work lately, forever now.  That has really hurt my feelings in regards to missing my little dog.  I love him so much and am always so happy and anxious to get back home to him.   I hate spending less and less time with him.  And other family too.  oh well, that's life.

I feel lucky, as though I get whatever I ask for, or at least don't get what will be really bad for me and do get what I want most of the time.    Protected.   Maybe it's me just trying to be at peace with what is, but that's good enough.  I wish I'd had this philosophy when I was younger, it might have made things easier.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had said he's afraid to get married.  So that makes me feel sad, and sick to my stomach, and as if I need to start pulling away from him and start looking for someone new.  To that end I'm now on 3 dating sites and talking to 3 differnt men via messaging on those sites.  We'll see what happens.

Ease

I have been feeling ill at ease lately; insecure.  Had  a dream last night that First Love really did love me and came back to me with his hard learned self discoveries.  It turned out that something scared him back when we first dated, and whenever he's near me it causes him to spin away in a fearful reaction of me, but it was only because he didn't want to admit that he and I shared something that he has not wanted to face, but once he faced it, he was happy to come back and sort of apologize.

I was hesitant at first but he guided me through the emotional reactions to his revelations not with words but by letting me follow his actions.  So as I gained confidence, trust in following his lead, I was shedding my defenses as well.  And we ended up kissing and hugging intimately, deeply.  The invitation to be lovers again was there, but I was awakened from the dream before it went any further.  That dream soothed my heart to some extent.  I am grateful to that dream.

The dream used the metaphor of a big modern architectural house that had been filled with large sculptural objects that First Love and I climbed up and on, in and out of.  It was in that process where I learned to lay down my fears and let the protective old black scab of pain to fall away, allowing myself to trust him little by little.  I had so much trepidation with the first hug, afraid I'd touch him and he'd pull away in a knee jerk reaction, instead he enveloped me within his arms in a loving embrace of full acceptance.  It was such a relief, in real life I feel relief.

The dream was preceded by a realization when listening to NPR Chapter a Day story of a man who reared an owl from an egg.  The story described how one month the baby owl displayed definate brooding behaviour, feathering her nest, but throughout the rest of her captive life she did not do that again.  I remembered how when First Love and I moved to another city, I had so much trouble learning how to take care of myself.  Once I came home and threw myself on the bed weeping, and the little kitten who lived in our apartment came to me and pressed her paw against my cheek. Such a tender and compassionate gesture.  A year later I spent one whole day in bed staring at the walls.  I think that scared First Love very much; it scared me.

Listening to the story of the broody owl illuminated that all I was suffering, was a little homesickness yes, but mostly I loved First Love so much that all I wanted to do was have babies with him.  It's what I wanted more than anything else; but I have long been one to be afraid of my deepest loves and desires.  I've denied them and refused to feed and nurture them.   That fear of what I love most is what drove many decisions in life.  That is what the dream was about.

Ghosts

I've been talking to ghosts all day.  Imagining conversations with First Love, his current wife's late dad, and First Love's Child.

First Love told me how angry he was at me, that it was based on how angry he still is at his alcoholic dad, that his dad is the first person to make him feel unloved and worthless,  but still how he's so furious that I betrayed and rejected him too.  I tried to explain I didn't see what I did as betrayal or rejection of him, but then I realized it was futile to explain anything.  I tried to explain that anything I did to him I did to myself too, and hurt myself more than he is hurt.  He told me I need to stop defending myself to feel his pain and rage.  I admit that is hard for me to do.

His rage was so strong, and he did not relent in any way.   I kept saying I was sorry, and that I loved him despite everything.  He kept spewing his angry hate at me.  Telling me how I betrayed and rejected him so he wanted to see me suffer forever for doing that to him.  There was no reasoning with him, his anger was so livid.

I thought he really cannot love me to hate me so much.  I thought my relationship with him was unhealthy just like it was for Ex.   That he is just too selfish to ever think of anyone but himself.  I don't know if that is true.  I only know that my love is still strong for him, even despite everything.

So I ended up just praying to god for the blessing that I learn what I need to learn from this, and asking for some relief from the aching pain I feel from losing First Love.   But god said that aching was important for me to understand and feel everyday of my life.  That it was there to teach me.  So I have to accept it.

I asked god to please let me move on from it, and god just repeated that I need to accommodate it in this lifetime.  The feeling of loving First Love is still strong, and I can't seem to loosen it.  I feel it in my left fallopian tube when it is strongest.  I did love you First Love, I still love you, even though you hate me and want to see me tortured by your serial rejections.

I saw how First Love's anger left a string of pain in his life.  Leaving no room for anyone to love him, because he still loves me and hates me, and that's all there is room for.

I spoke to his current wife's late dad, and he said they are not doing well.  She is in love with someone she used to know too.  They are both in love with other people, and neither of them has room to love anyone else.   He said their marriage is likely to end within 3 years, except that First Love has ensconced himself in her family and life, and he's unlikely to have the strength to leave that.  The only way he will get out of that relationship is if his current wife thrusts him out very forcefully.

His current wife's late dad didn't tell me what lesson was to be learned either.  Just matter of factly told me what is going on.  They don't like each other, and certainly don't love each other, but they are trying to need each other.  It sounds very sad.  He said it is up to them what happens, their will be done.

So the lesson I have to learn is that unrequited love that I feel daily, minute by minute, it is something that simply has to be endured for the time being.  Maybe once I understand it's value, beyond allowing me to empathize with the other creatures on Earth, then maybe I'll be able to let it go.  So I suppose I'd better think about that more now.  I mustn't just forget it.  I must figure out the lesson.

And I must try very hard to open my heart anew to the world and to the possibility of new love.  

Fond

I'm not sure I know what love is, but I think I might be able to love Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had if he felt that way about me too.  He so gracious and polite.  I like that.  He's thoughtful, considerate, constant, dependable, self-sacrificing.

If I don't love him yet, I think I could love him.

For certain I am fond of him, and he makes me excited.

Shelf

Woke up with a bad headache.  Have been more unwell lately which is something that accompanies being overweight.  When I had the cold all I ate was saltines with butter and diet cola.  Of course I gained weight.

I don't want to weigh myself because I'm afraid I weigh over 200 lbs, but I had to buy new pants in size 16.   So I started to be careful again.

I sometimes do feel uncomfortable in my body due to my bulk and just the general sense of feeling unwell that comes with being overweight, so I shall start weighing myself every day and taking my measurements occasionally, that has always worked well to motivate me to stay on track.

I will be working more hours in future too, so I need to establish really good habits before that starts.  I really, really, really want to be slim and attractive again.  The only thing that feels better than being slim and attractive is when people who love you admire you for being slim and attractive too.

I've been really angry at First Love lately.  Just furiously, almost hating him kind of anger.  It's as if I want to have him near me so that I could express my anger face to face, day by day.

I felt that way with the Ex near the end too.  I wanted him around so that I could  show him how angry I felt towards him; so I could argue, express my anger, and also ignore him, have him there to witness and feel the wrath of my anger.

I know that isn't nice of me. I do pray to get over it because I feel guilty about it too, but part of me knows I'll get over it soon enough and so allow myself the grace to feel through all those angry emotions.

I talk to First Love's wife's late dad in my imagination and tell him I'm sorry that I want his daughter to be miserable with First Love, but I do.  I want them both to be completely and utterly miserable with each other.

I tell myself if I really loved him I would want the best for him, and back when he first did this to me the first time, I did have those feelings very genuinely and sincerely. This second time I just have anger and wanting to see him feel as lousy as I do.  It's mean of me.  It does me no good.

I know (hope) I'll get over it soon enough but that's what I'm experiencing right now.

Stable

Still trying to heal from the loss of First Love.  Within the first year of dating he wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him too but I was afraid, naturally, of something new; additionally I was under the very strong belief that my mom wished for me to never marry, never have children, and to pursue a fulfilling career instead.  In the past 3 years I asked her if my perception back then was correct and she vehemently confirmed yes, that is exactly how she felt.

When First Love asked me to marry him I said yes, in my own mind I'd committed myself to him  within the first month of dating when he told me how he'd dated several girls and pleaded with  me to never break up with him and I agreed.  By the time he asked me to marry him, I was still shocked by his request, but I dearly wanted to be married to him and have lots of babies with him.  We had things mapped out.  His dad wanted him to take over the family business but he wanted to be an English high school teacher or English college professor.  I wanted to live in a house in the country near our families, in an old farm house and have babies and be a stay at home mom.  Watch the babies grow and teach me what is truely important, garden and cook and clean the house, that is what I most wanted to do in the world.  Work at the library when the children were bigger.

My hoped for family: First Love, Sebastian, Zoe, me, Clara.

I strongly wanted to have babies with First Love.  I didn't have many friends in my hometown, and expected I would have to leave the city or the country before I'd meet anyone who understood me.  When First Love loved me, it was so remarkable to me, the impossible happened, finally someone who wasn't my own family was able to love me.  It was a miracle.  My attraction to him was so strong, I wanted to have babies with him so strongly.

When First Love asked me to marry him I said yes, but not until we graduate from college.  I did want to marry him.  In order to marry him I couldn't just go home and say I was going to get married, that would have been too difficult, I needed to work out a way to get out from under the direct influence of my mom.  I thought the excuse of going to college out of town would be a good stealthy way for me to move out on my own in a way my mom would not give trouble.

So we moved out of town to go to college.  But I'd chosen a college in a big city with a lot of crime and I found the move very difficult.  Just learning to live on my own, even with my parents help would have been difficult for me, but moving to a city where there was so many things I needed to learn and navigate just to be physically safe as a woman, it was almost too much for me without the support of family and friends.  And First Love didn't have to worry about personal safety to the same degree that I did as a woman.  Men are physically stronger than women.  As a woman I was brought up to be receptive, gentle, caregiver and was not well prepared to defend myself against attacks.  I depended on others to watch over me and protect me.

First love and I broke up that first year in the bigger city, when I'd grown to love him more deeply than ever.  I wondered about the irony of that.  When I kept a slight emotional distance between us he wanted to marry me, but when I feel in love with him more deeply and started to lean on him a little more then he broke up with me.  I have to admit I didn't treat him as well as I should have the first year we lived in that big city.  He kind of unofficially moved into my bedroom apartment where I did not have a closet but did have a few drawers and didn't share any with him.  Then when he left his clothes in a pile in the room I got mad at him for that.  We both had trouble communicating.

When things finally ended between us, I was completely lost and unprotected in this big, dangerous city.  The years I lived in that city, divided by the number of placed I lived, equalled that I moved more than once a year.  My life was very unsettled.  I didn't consciously choose to be so unsettled but I moved a lot and I think that reflected my unsettled heart when First Love left.  That trend continued up until this day.  I have moved a lot, and when I am settled for a while I move furniture around a lot, trying to work out the most advantageous design.

unsettled heart nest

The point of this blog is to say that I had trouble making a stable place to settle down in, to live in.  My job situation is not the same. There have been only a handful of places where I have worked.  Financial stability has been important to me even though I haven't been very ambitious about earning more money, my income has changed very little since I was young, but the place I reside has changed frequently.

23rd smoothie

Wow, I forgot to post this last night.  I bought an Orange Julius from Dairy Queen, then came home and made my homemade version orange frothy and they were not even close.

My homemade version was much sweeter with stronger vanilla flavor, and had much, much less orange juice flavor.  So I'll have to half the simple syrup vanilla mixture or double the orange juice to adjust for this and try again.  The texture of the homemade version is nicer than the Dairy Queen version though, it is much closer to the 1970s Orange Julius super creamy texture that I remember.

Am still not over losing First Boyfriend.  Why can't I just let go of this??? I'll be reminded of someone who reminds me of me,  then I'll think how his wife (and previous wives) is so much like me too, then I don't understand why he likes women who are so very much like me, but not me.  Why does he like them and not me?  It hurts me every time I think about it.

Then I have to go over all this again, to convince myself it's for the best.  He was always trying to control me, eventually it would become very demoralizing.  He did nothing to compromise with me, he demanded I do all the compromising, we were not equally yoked.  That is why it was wrong for both of us.  That is why he went away.  Please accept this.  Please let go.  Let go.

Why do we fall in love with the people we do?  Especially if they seem to be the people who torture us the most?

10th smoothie

Another failed attempt to make an orange frothy to copy the franchise version.

Used 1 orange, 2 Tbl frozen orange concentrate, 1/3 pkt of orange smoothie mix, 1 Tbl vanilla, 1-1/2 c milk, 1-1/2 c ice.  It was an ok frothy texture, but the flavor was off, too bitter.

Freedom.  When First Boyfriend left me I was heartbroken of course, because I loved him so deeply, and felt that he betrayed my trust in him, and felt abandoned and unprotected in a wild world where couples partner up to protect and care for each other, but a woman alone is more vulnerable.  I felt truly abandoned and did in fact, suffer injury at the hands of unscrupulous men, simply because I remained single and unmarried for such a long time.

It was a genuine damage in many ways when First Love left me. 

Then I invited him back in my life a second time, rearranged everything I could to accomodate him but it was not enough to entice him to come back.  He sort of abandoned me a second time.

So what did I lose overall?  Apparently I lost someone who was not devoted to me.  Someone who didn't mind exposing me to the wilds of the world, someone who neither wanted to care for me nor trusted me enough to be cared for by me.

So I am now well and truly free to find someone who is better for me than I chose for myself.

Dear god, please bring a man in my life who is more loving and devoted to me than I can imagine for myself. A man who is free to give himself to me, and will trust himself to my care as well.  Thank you for making me the person he will trust, and I him, and we will be good for each other.  Thank you.