I asked Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had if he thought it was 51% likely or 51% unlikely that he would ever ask me to marry him. He answered 51% unlikely.
I said that was very disappointing then I told him that I've been asked out by Old Friend.
Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had and I talked a lot about marriage and his fears and my experience, and we had a nice conversation about it.
Today we talked about it more, about how while I really like him, I can't live my life wanting someone to like me more than they do. I told him how I'd wasted a lot of time wanting First Love to care for me as much as I cared for him, and then when we had a second chance he threw me over just like he had the first time. How I have to live in the real world, not my fantasies, how I have to face reality.
I've been thinking about First Love in the midst of all this too. It makes me feel humiliated that I liked him so much that I made a grand gesture to show him how much I cared about him, and how I wrote him such embarrassing emails. I worry that he is not worthy of my strong feelings for him, and that he may have told people we both know that I was crazy. I'm not crazy, but I was crazy for him.
I tried to warn him, although I'm sure he did not understand me, that I was really messed up from being married to Ex, and that I knew it would take at least 2 years for me to get back to being more balanced again. First Love told me he'd would not wait 2 years for me, that he'd be an old man by then. It took me over 2 years to get the divorce and in all that time I was getting better but it really took at least 4 years to have recovered from Ex.
I feel much more balanced now, but a lot of that balance is due to dating Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had. He calms me, he helps me accept myself and be more honest, less ashamed of everything I am, everything I do, more confident. I really like Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, I really do wish he'd ask me to marry him.
But who knows? Maybe Old Friend will help me feel even more confident and balanced. I don't know. We'll see what the future will bring.
I said that was very disappointing then I told him that I've been asked out by Old Friend.
Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had and I talked a lot about marriage and his fears and my experience, and we had a nice conversation about it.
Today we talked about it more, about how while I really like him, I can't live my life wanting someone to like me more than they do. I told him how I'd wasted a lot of time wanting First Love to care for me as much as I cared for him, and then when we had a second chance he threw me over just like he had the first time. How I have to live in the real world, not my fantasies, how I have to face reality.
I've been thinking about First Love in the midst of all this too. It makes me feel humiliated that I liked him so much that I made a grand gesture to show him how much I cared about him, and how I wrote him such embarrassing emails. I worry that he is not worthy of my strong feelings for him, and that he may have told people we both know that I was crazy. I'm not crazy, but I was crazy for him.
I tried to warn him, although I'm sure he did not understand me, that I was really messed up from being married to Ex, and that I knew it would take at least 2 years for me to get back to being more balanced again. First Love told me he'd would not wait 2 years for me, that he'd be an old man by then. It took me over 2 years to get the divorce and in all that time I was getting better but it really took at least 4 years to have recovered from Ex.
I feel much more balanced now, but a lot of that balance is due to dating Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had. He calms me, he helps me accept myself and be more honest, less ashamed of everything I am, everything I do, more confident. I really like Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, I really do wish he'd ask me to marry him.
But who knows? Maybe Old Friend will help me feel even more confident and balanced. I don't know. We'll see what the future will bring.
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