Rant

I just read that Paula Deen has known she has type 2 diabetes for three years and yet she chooses to not change how she cooks, but instead make money endorsing diabetes medication. That makes me feel disappointed; it seems to lack conscience and accountability. Its not even fun.

Remember the Galloping Gourmet?  In response to seeing his wife with ill health Graham Kerr sought help, changed his recipes, encouraged vegetables and fruits and reduced fat. He did the right thing, he made skillful choices.

There are some who worry that by trying to get and remain slim they might be endangering their health through malnutrition or flirting with anorexic behaviour. They associate the sustained interest needed to get and stay slim as a vain preoccupation or an unhealthy refusal of comforting nurturance, a gothic death-wish or morbid fascination.  No.  That is a confusion.

Getting and staying slim is life-affirming.

Being obese is an unhealthy series of choices that is known to shorten lifespan.

In my personal experience being overweight or obese were different issues.  Being overweight was simply due to following a normal American diet full of processed foods, lots of fats, lots of cheese.  It was simple cause and effect. When I'd get close to 150 lbs then cut back till I got back down to 135.  It might not be ideal, but it wasn't too unhealthy at that point.

Overweight was being confused by all the conflicting information, being afraid to follow my own instincts, and being tired of choosing the harder path, but it was simply a matter of failing to establish consistent, wholesome habits.

But then I had a real problem and could not find a solution by myself, a problem I felt too scared and confused to speak about and by not seeking help, it became a shameful secret.  Thats when I became obese.

Being obese was a result of seeking comfort when I couldn't find a solution because "I don't want to start regretting." But I did regret, and not talking about it turned the problem into a secret, which led to feeling shame.

In my experience, obesity was a real problem, it was choosing to be unhealthy.  An unresolved problem led to feeling shame and comfort eating.

Luckily I was able to find the motivation to lose weight when I allowed myself to hope for a better future. Losing weight made me proud of myself.  Feeling good bouyed me enough to look at the problem and finally talk about it, finally seek help.

World! Stop saying the slim are vainly obsessed with their looks, or have an unhealthy refusal to accept comfort. That might be true if behavior turns into extreme self-denial stemming from body dysmorphia, but in most cases, its just a weird fear.  I look around and see a far greater number of people who are overweight or obese than people who are too skinny. So which is a greater problem?

Preparing nutritious food when you crave junk food is life affirming.  Being active when you want to be a couch potato is life affirming.  Choosing to love when you want to hate is life affirming. Telling the truth when you want to lie is life affirming.  "Believe in the things that you know."

Sorting

Another thing that has come up, is the need to sort things out.

The process of divorce is the process of sorting things out. There is mess all around me. In my parent's garage and in their basement. In my parent's upstairs bedroom. In my bedroom. In my car. In the house that we are getting ready to sell. Mess! Junk!  All my stuff to sort.

I just need to sort through all the junk.

I really need to just get rid of everything even though I'm afraid to do that.

I really need to sort out my feelings.

I realize that I dated my husband while he was still married and slept in a bed that he shared with his wife. That never stopped bothering me.

I realize that now I work with one woman he's dating and see her at least once a week, and all my co-workers know of the situation too. So that is super humiliating, and makes me feel disorganized and distracted at work.

I realize that there isn't a city that I go to regularly where I might not run into some of his girlfriends. It's just ugly and horrible. I can't wipe the shame off of me because I'm still in it.

I realize that because I dated my husband while he was still married that I never felt like I could ask him about everything. I never felt like we could talk about anything. I realize going into a marriage without first establishing trust was really stupid for me.

I realize that I need everything all conventional and legally established before I can move forward with anyone else. I'm someone who needs to know my status with someone else, feeling nervous about what I can and cannot say just leads to secrets. And secrets lead to lies.

So sorting, that is my job. Sorting my physical surroundings helps to sort my mind. So sorting needs to be done.

- - - - - - - -

If you think of the physical world as a metaphysical representation of your life, then I am someone who is really scattered and disorganized right now.  I live in at least 4 houses: the house where my husband lives with all of his millions of girlfriends coming and going, the house we both abandoned and will put up for sale, the house where I live now, and the 4th house would be my car and office where I work.  With stuff spread out everywhere.  Its too much. You can keep piling more new stuff on top of it all, but its all just lost in the big, huge spread out mess.  I really need to just ZEN-ify everythign.  Clean it out, get rid of it, get back to as close to nothing as I can bear.

Good things

In the last post where I talk about how I stopped doing good things, I didn't mention what those things were because I was so upset about the weight gain, and distracted by a toothache that caused constant low level pain and fevers. I was gaining 2 lbs a day so I stopped weighing myself.

This past week I went to the dentist so the toothache and fevers have passed. I got on the scale and weigh 191. That is sad to have gained so much weight but its 2 lbs less than the day I stopped weighing myself, so it feels like a disaster that has been averted.

The good things I'd been doing were to ask myself if I loved myself before choosing something to eat and then choose food that reflected how I loved myself. Food that was good for me, that I would give to someone I loved and cared for. I'd forgotten to pay attention and show myself love by taking good care of myself.

When I was married, and a small part of why I'm getting a divorce, is because my husband is demanding of my attention and my time to a degree that I never learned how to handle well. I've become so used to being his satellite that I didn't know how to care for myself, and when I forgot how to take care of myself then I was quickly depleted and felt resentful of him.

So what I need to do is first establish really good habits of taking care of myself. Really focus at least 90% of my attention to self care. Its vital for losing weight. Its vital for being the best I can be for others too. If I ever become involved with anyone else I really need to learn how to continue taking care of myself first. The self care has to establish my boundaries of what I will and will not do for someone else. I have to learn to take care of myself first and then others second. Thats very important.

Parents of new babies don't have that luxury they have to learn how to care for the child while taking care of themselves. That balance has to be carefully monitored so that the parent doesn't get depleted. Its always a struggle.

So I will do a big weekend colon cleanse to try and get a jump start on weight loss. But I decided I really am moving too slowly with weight loss too. I really do want to push it along a little bit more, so I'm going to create new goals for myself.

Here are my new goals:
Start each day with a glass of water.
Meditate 11 minutes a day Sunday through Friday.
Get on a bike or my elliptical, do yoga or abdominal work for 11 minutes, 3 days a week.
Take my dog on a walk every day, preferably first thing in the morning before it gets hot.
Oh and aim for 1000 - 1200 calories a day, rather than 1200 - 1500 calories a day. Be satisfied with smaller meals.

* The 11 minutes are the minimum, I may definately do more.

Binges

Wow!  After a month and a half I'm finally losing weight again.  What a relief!

In March I'd reached 187.5 lbs which put me at the 1/3 of total weight lost goal, and also just under being obese at 188+ lbs to being overweight -187 lbs.   I stayed at 187 for over a month then last week I moved up to 190 lbs.

 It feels so arbitrary, I didn't expect to have gained weight except that I'd had one day of bingeing.   I had crepes for lunch, a high carb, low protein choice.  Then I remained hungry and ate a big bag of Pizzeria Pretzel Combos and made a bowl of nachos for myself for dinner.  I was ashamed of myself but I ate it in full sight of my family becuase:
1. I don't want to eat in hiding and in shame anymore.  If I'm going to eat in shame then I'll do it in full view of everyone.
2. I want to reinforce in my mind that I can have high calorie foods that I crave sometimes and still lose weight.

So I weighed myself the day after that and I'd creeped up to 190 lbs. That was discouraging but also sort of increased my resolve to be more careful.  I have been more careful too, but not too careful, I never want to be too careful.  I have been eating more nuts, and protein foods.

Now I'm 184.5 lbs.  That's including one cupcake a week from the new coffeehouse next to where I work and also special occasion pie and cake several times a week too.  And the weight loss does feel just as arbitrary as the weight gain because I fully expected to stand on the scale and weigh even more than 190 lbs.

So I can't tell by the way by body feels if I'll gain or lose weight.  I can only tell by weighing myself and pretty soon I'll take my measurements too.  Just for another way to measure success.  Now that I'm well under 187 and not teetering up anymore I feel safe to measure myself.  Then I'll know what size clothes I should fit in versus what i do fit in.

The secret to success has been balancing what and how much I eat each day.  But also by buoying myself up, fighting cravings by keeping myself satiated with high protein foods.  A Subway sandwich isn't bad exactly but it creates cravings.  A salad with protein is good, it helps keep me satiated.

I'm anxious to get down another size but that is likely to be a while.  I'm also anxious to have lost 50 lbs (when I get down to 171 lbs), half of the total amount I want to lose.  I just would feel really reassured by that.  I feel reasssured now, but that would be even better.  Good luck to all of us trying to be fit and healthy.

Rewards

I have rewarded myself while losing weight with what I think are logical rewards. For example when I started losing weight I did not want to spend money on new clothes, because I didn't want to spend money on more plus size clothing. Shopping in the plus size department of stores made me feel ashamed, I never wanted to look at myself more than glance to see if the clothes covered me sufficiently. So as my pants became too large I folded the waistband over. I did that for several months.

That reward of not having to shop for more plus size clothing worked well until I had a court appearance to make regarding the pending divorce. I wanted to look respectable and as good as I could. So I went shopping and bought 2 new pairs of pants and 1 sweater in a smaller size. They were plus size but a little smaller than I had been wearing. It was a relief to have pants that were not baggy, and to have an outfit where I felt as if I looked relatively smart.

Then as soon as those clothes started to feel too big also I was very anxious to see if I would be able to fit into clothes that were no longer plus size. Because it had been so many years that I had to walk by the regular size section in stores it felt unfamiliar and scarey to shop there. I had to readjust to what in my mind looked like it might fit. I found I was able to fit into Misses size 16 jeans and then bragged to the store clerk that it was the first time since 1997 that I was able to not buy plus size clothing. I was so happy! The next time I went through the store I was able to see and reassure myself that the plus size clothing did look too big.

Another reward I've given myself is allowing myself to donate to Goodwill most of my old plus size clothing, and to throw away old worn out or ripped underwear. I don't have to wear ugly underwear, I can wear pretty clothes and pretty underwear.

I've let my hair grow long because I feel more attractive when my hair is long. I've shopped for hair brushes that use natural boar bristles because they feel so good on my scalp. I've shopped for pins to hold my hair up in a bun or chignon. I've shopped for nail strengthener to help my fingernails become stronger so they can grow longer. I've shopped for make-up and tweezers so I can start paying attention to make-up again.

These are just the little things that I let myself do as rewards.

On the other hand I don't withhold rewards when I have failed attempts; instead I just chaulk it up as an experience to learn from and use them as challenges to figure out something that will work better.

"Nothing succeeds like success" is the old saying that I like to repeat to myself.

Meditation

Why include meditation in a slimming plan?

Well for one thing meditation, just like any activity makes me very aware of my body and how comfortable I am in it.

I have never paid so much attention to how comfortable or uncomfortable I am in my own skin then when learning to meditate.  It takes time for your legs to work up to feeling comfortable while sitting motionless.  So that body self awareness in and of its self is valuable motivation for being slim.

Also meditation helps to open my mind to all the possibilities in the world, helping me become aware of solutions to problems that I might find no other way.

One of the things that contributes to being overweight is not paying enough attention to myself and my needs.  Meditation is time scheduled and set aside to do nothing except paying attention.

Balancing

I guess I haven't really said what I'm doing to lose the weight.  What plan am I following?  Well I have a lifetime of dieting experience to draw from.  I lifetime of learning approximate calories of food, one serving of celery is 5 calories or even minus a few a calories, whereas a Dairy Queen banana split is closer to 500 calories.   Exercise alone does not help me lose weight, dieting alone does help me lose weight, dieting and exercise does help me lose weight faster.  Protein staves off hunger, simple carbohydrates are what I crave but cause me to feel more hungry more often throughout the day.

So the plan I'm following is ever changing and evolving in reaction to successful and failed experiments.

In August I wanted change, it was easy to eat next to nothing.  I wasn't hungry for food, I was hungry for change.  I was lustful for life.  Food did not meet that craving, food was an impediment to meeting my lust. So in August and September it was easy to drop 10-20 pounds without even noticing how I did it.  I just ate very little.

But my appetite for food came back and then I plateaued, and plateaued, and plateaued for a month or three, it seemed.  I'd have a big emotional week or two of anticipation and then when that time passed I'd have a dramatic drop of 5 pounds overnight.

During the time of plateauing I was having Subway sandwiches often for lunch but eventually noticed I was craving food more often during the rest of the day.  So then I switched to just vegetables and proteins for lunch and found I didn't have those same cravings anymore.

Originally the goal was simply to eat less, and exercise more.  But exercise became stress. So I changed the goal to simply eating less.  Learning how to reduce my appetite is still the goal I struggle with.

This is the general plan I follow:

Breakfast:  fruit or vegetables

Lunch:  vegetables or vegetables and protein

Dinner:  anything I want

Dessert: 1 serving of anything I want.

But the goal also is to keep the calories for the day to be around 1200.  So 300 calories per meal on average.  Of course lunch tends to be light in calories and dinner heavy.  That is what I find most satisfying.  Some days the order of these meals is switched around, often I'll have my dessert at lunch. That is what currently works for me.

I drink lots of water. One glass when I wake up. One glass when I go to bed, and about a pitcher (2 quarts) of water or tea and water during the weekdays.  On weekends I drink less water because thats when I go shopping or visiting, its just a different schedule.

New Year

It is the beginning of a new year and I am now 50 years old, just under 200 pounds, but for the first time in years I have plans for the future. At least one plan, the plan to be slim by creating a plan I can maintain for the rest of my life, that is flexible enough to return to despite changes that might occur with my circumstances.

I am also in the process of divorce. I might discuss that more in future posts, but for now it is a painful and scarey process. I'm afraid for the future and excited for the future too.

In December 2010 I had a tea leaf reading that was very encouraging. Now faced with lots of changes and feeling uncertain about the future it is reassuring to fall back on the tea leaf reading and pretend as if it will just be true. Whether that is false hope or not doesn't matter to me. I need hope and the tea leaf reading provided hope, so now when I need it I continue to rely on that hope. Perhaps if I expect it to come true I'll somehow influence it into becoming true.

So a short post today.

Welcome

Take a care to improve health and satisfaction.

The purpose of this blog is to provide inspiration to myself for making positive changes to improve health and personal satisfaction.

In August 2010 I was 49 years old, 221 pounds, and had no plans for the future. But then I went to a reunion where an extraordinary thing happened. I was reminiscing and catching up with people I haven't kept in contact with since the 1980s, while immersed in listening to the music of my youth, and had a scent memory. I could smell the way my skin would become very alkaline just before I'd get my period.

A friend from out of town stayed with my husband and I and after the reunion we talked for an hour before going to sleep. As we were talking I had a visceral memory that I associated with my feelings for this friend when we were younger. I sensed emotional feelings that were very specifically localized in my abdomen, where a person senses longing, joy and satisfaction. But the odd part is I wasn't experiencing those emotions in real time, they were clearly memories of those senses.

By morning I'd forgotten the visceral and scent memories of the day before. But over breakfast and as my husband asked us about the times in our youth, the visceral memories came back and became stronger and stronger.

These memories of what life smelled and felt like when I was younger inspired me to make some changes. I no longer felt content to simply grow older without any plans to look forward to. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted something more.

This blog is the diary of searching for that something more.