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Sorting

Another thing that has come up, is the need to sort things out.

The process of divorce is the process of sorting things out. There is mess all around me. In my parent's garage and in their basement. In my parent's upstairs bedroom. In my bedroom. In my car. In the house that we are getting ready to sell. Mess! Junk!  All my stuff to sort.

I just need to sort through all the junk.

I really need to just get rid of everything even though I'm afraid to do that.

I really need to sort out my feelings.

I realize that I dated my husband while he was still married and slept in a bed that he shared with his wife. That never stopped bothering me.

I realize that now I work with one woman he's dating and see her at least once a week, and all my co-workers know of the situation too. So that is super humiliating, and makes me feel disorganized and distracted at work.

I realize that there isn't a city that I go to regularly where I might not run into some of his girlfriends. It's just ugly and horrible. I can't wipe the shame off of me because I'm still in it.

I realize that because I dated my husband while he was still married that I never felt like I could ask him about everything. I never felt like we could talk about anything. I realize going into a marriage without first establishing trust was really stupid for me.

I realize that I need everything all conventional and legally established before I can move forward with anyone else. I'm someone who needs to know my status with someone else, feeling nervous about what I can and cannot say just leads to secrets. And secrets lead to lies.

So sorting, that is my job. Sorting my physical surroundings helps to sort my mind. So sorting needs to be done.

- - - - - - - -

If you think of the physical world as a metaphysical representation of your life, then I am someone who is really scattered and disorganized right now.  I live in at least 4 houses: the house where my husband lives with all of his millions of girlfriends coming and going, the house we both abandoned and will put up for sale, the house where I live now, and the 4th house would be my car and office where I work.  With stuff spread out everywhere.  Its too much. You can keep piling more new stuff on top of it all, but its all just lost in the big, huge spread out mess.  I really need to just ZEN-ify everythign.  Clean it out, get rid of it, get back to as close to nothing as I can bear.

Good things

In the last post where I talk about how I stopped doing good things, I didn't mention what those things were because I was so upset about the weight gain, and distracted by a toothache that caused constant low level pain and fevers. I was gaining 2 lbs a day so I stopped weighing myself.

This past week I went to the dentist so the toothache and fevers have passed. I got on the scale and weigh 191. That is sad to have gained so much weight but its 2 lbs less than the day I stopped weighing myself, so it feels like a disaster that has been averted.

The good things I'd been doing were to ask myself if I loved myself before choosing something to eat and then choose food that reflected how I loved myself. Food that was good for me, that I would give to someone I loved and cared for. I'd forgotten to pay attention and show myself love by taking good care of myself.

When I was married, and a small part of why I'm getting a divorce, is because my husband is demanding of my attention and my time to a degree that I never learned how to handle well. I've become so used to being his satellite that I didn't know how to care for myself, and when I forgot how to take care of myself then I was quickly depleted and felt resentful of him.

So what I need to do is first establish really good habits of taking care of myself. Really focus at least 90% of my attention to self care. Its vital for losing weight. Its vital for being the best I can be for others too. If I ever become involved with anyone else I really need to learn how to continue taking care of myself first. The self care has to establish my boundaries of what I will and will not do for someone else. I have to learn to take care of myself first and then others second. Thats very important.

Parents of new babies don't have that luxury they have to learn how to care for the child while taking care of themselves. That balance has to be carefully monitored so that the parent doesn't get depleted. Its always a struggle.

So I will do a big weekend colon cleanse to try and get a jump start on weight loss. But I decided I really am moving too slowly with weight loss too. I really do want to push it along a little bit more, so I'm going to create new goals for myself.

Here are my new goals:
Start each day with a glass of water.
Meditate 11 minutes a day Sunday through Friday.
Get on a bike or my elliptical, do yoga or abdominal work for 11 minutes, 3 days a week.
Take my dog on a walk every day, preferably first thing in the morning before it gets hot.
Oh and aim for 1000 - 1200 calories a day, rather than 1200 - 1500 calories a day. Be satisfied with smaller meals.

* The 11 minutes are the minimum, I may definately do more.

Measures

I am going to have to resort to desperate measures. I can not believe how badly I've done in June. I didn't lose any weight, I just maintained the same weight of 183. I stopped doing the good things I do to lose weight, I didn't even notice I'd stopped doing them. I just noticed I stopped losing weight and I was craving pizza, potato chips with dip, and candy. I thought I've been able to continue losing weight even when eating all those foods so I didn't worry too much when my weight stayed the same but then it started going up and again I kept thinking it was ok.

A friend was going to give me the recipe the doctor gave her for a colon cleanse but she could not find it. That was going to be my desperate measure, the way to lose the gained and not lost weight. I'll have to find some other way to deal with this. I do not want to fail at my 50% goal (171 lbs). It's really important to me.

She vaguely remembers the cleanse started with a fast from 5pm the night before. The next day she took a probiotic and one small bottle of Metracil or something like that? Then fasting during the extreme flushing of her system of 2 full days and still fasting on the 3rd day. When the flushing ended the fast ended.

Maybe I'll go to a Naturopath and have this done for me.

Independence Day

Today is Independence Day in America. Gorgeous blue skies, warm sunny weather. Fireworks, picnics, swimming in the lake, biking, and walking in the woods.

Last June I planned to exercise at YMCA with a co-worker but the same week I had an unexpected expense that meant I could no longer afford to pay for YMCA weekly membership.

Last December I started proceedings on a divorce that could have been done in March but it is taking longer than I expected.

Now its July and its hot and my blood sugar levels are feeling precarious every day. I'm feeling FAT, super FAT. I think its just the heat and wanting to be slim. But I am feeling a little bit frustrated and lot anxious. Wanting to eat to calm down.

"If you aren't hungry enough to eat an apple, you're not hungry." But here's a tip: grapefruit juice is a natural appetite suppressant and helps stop sweet cravings. So in my case it will be, if you're not hungry enough to eat a grapefruit then you're not hungry.

So I'm in the slugging away despite feeling uncomfortable and unsatisfied phase. Just keep slugging away. I have to focus on the weight I've lost so far, Fireworks of celebration for being almost 50 pounds lighter! So Independence Day next year I expect to be much more slim, even if I still feel fat due to the heat.