Soul

I pray all the time.  I pray to neither a male nor female god, but I picture god as male or female or asexual depending on my mood.   It is winter, the sun is low in the sky and often in my eyes, so I notice the sun more than usual.  And the sun I pray to is male, while the moon I pray to is female.  I find comfort in knowing either brother sun or sister moon is always with me.

When praying to SunRa today I asked him about my relationship with First Love, and god answered all my questions patiently.  I asked god why I had to go through that?  Why would god let me fall in love with someone who either didn't return my love or who was afraid to love me, in any case, with someone who abandoned me?

I kept asking and piece by piece god would answer my questions but I still didn't have the answer I needed to let me feel more at peace.  So finally God answered   "To love means to serve.  To be in love means to serve the way a mother takes care of a baby or a healthy person cares for someone who is weakened.  To expect someone to love you back, just because you love them, that is not love; that is making demands.  To love is about giving love, not about receiving love.  Receiving love is something else entirely."

That answer finally ended my questions.  I've been wondering about that answer ever since then.  I searched the phrase "To love means to serve." and discovered that is a quote from Galations 5:13 in the Christian Bible:  "For you were called to freedom, brethern; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.  For the whole law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement: YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF."

So I am slowly coming to peace about losing First Love; slowly beginning to heal.

Then sweet current boyfriend was so wonderfully thoughtful and generous again tonight, that he reminded me how I felt before I was hurt by the rejection of First Love.  He reminded me how eager I was to lavish presents on the one who I fancied, not to get something back, but as appreciation and thanks for making me feel so excited and happy to share being alive.

I also found a helpful quote on Pinterest.  I think the author is Jobie B., alias MontiieWrites, and first published in a piece titled "First Love" on a website called Wattpad.

Weekly

Menu Planning.  This is one of the things I'm going to try to plan for so that I know what to shop for each week.  Also to simplify making dinner and encourage myself to make dinners again the way I used to.

So each week I'll ask myself:  come up with a list of at least 7 meals and snacks that you'd like to make this week.  Remember the aim to be more vegan.  Go to Pinterest for more inspiration when needed.

1. salad and homemade pizza (maybe cauliflower crust)
2. chili
3. roasted vegetables
4. vegetable soup or french onion soup
5. soba noodles
6. smoothie
7. grilled pineapple
8. citrus salad
9. butterbeer
10. cauldron cakes
11. baked potatoes white or sweet
12. potato pancakes

Then I can shop for food to make these menu items, and refer back to this when I'm hungry and don't know what I want for dinner.  Of course, on the spur of the moment I might change  my mind but I'd be willing to bet that I am likely to make most of these items.  We'll see.

Goal weight is 127-145 lbs.   Stopping when I feel satisfied that I can maintain that weight comfortably for all of my life.

January 20 homescale weight is 197 lbs.
Sweater size large.
Pants size 16? I don't know because I wear sweatpants.