Insomnia

I can't sleep.  Tomorrow morning is the court date when if we had agreed on an equitable solution, our divorce would be made final.  We haven't agreed.

I realized I only have jeans in my closet.  I want to be respectful so I needed a pair of dressier pants.  I ran to the store for one half hour to find an outfit for court.

I bought a special outfit in a smaller size for the first court date too -Rewards post.  That time size 16W gray jeans and a size 1x jewel neck asymmetrical color block sweater both by Evan-Picone.

This time I found two outfits to choose from.  First a rose tone herringbone jacket and flared slacks suit by Evan-Picone with a plum t-shirt by Izod; and the second outfit is a pair of gray jeans with a ballet pink elbow sleeve boxy sweater both by Relativity.

I tried both outfits on at home and the more casual sweater with gray jeans felt more comfortable, and looked dressy enough with simple jewelry.  So I'll return the herringbone suit.

The coolest thing is I snugly, squished into size 12 and a couple size medium (8-10) jackets too.  That's super duper way cool!

The second size 40DD bra that didn't fit two weeks ago, almost fits now.  So finally I can relax knowing I have one pink and two lacy beige dress bras, and one pink cotton sport bra that fits.  That's terrific!

I just really want to start losing pounds of weight because this plateauing is driving me nuts.  Although I guess as long as my body is changing shape, as long as I'm losing inches, that's got to be good enough for now.

UPDATE:   Court date postponed until next year.  At lunch today I ran one and 1/2 miles and walked one mile.  Last week I ran the one and 1/2 miles in 4 sets of 3 laps, today I ran it in 3 sets of 4 laps.  Eight laps is one mile. Now my lungs feel clean.  I love that feeling. 

Scales

I like the title of this post, it reminds of a quote from the movie Bridget Jones' Diary.  Wendy--"Yes why is it there are so many unmarried women's in their thirties these days, Bridget?"  Bridget--"Well I don't know. I suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our entire bodies are covered in scales."

So covered in scales, metaphorically that is true, isn't it?  Women in the west where food is plentiful and manual labor is considered lower class and therefore usually does not pay well nor have good insurance and pension benefits, its easy to become plump and then the scale we weigh ourselves on can become an obsession of measuring whether we are too plump or not.  So without trying to change the social, monetary and political order of things, how to deal with that obsession?

One way to deal with an obsession with the scale, is how I did in the past.  I stopped worrying about it.  In fact, I didn't stop thinking about it but did  stop using it.  However just like not balancing your checkbook doesn't help you to stop overspending, hiding from the scale didn't help me maintain a healthy weight.

Now I want to reach and maintain a healthy weight.  So I've decided I will try every trick I can think of to do that.  I do use the scale to help measure my weight loss and importantly to help set goals.  I combine the scale with other ways of measuring success too.  Now that I am firmly in the overweight category, I think I can brave taking my measurements and compare them to clothing size charts then set goals by clothing size.

Another way of trying to motivate myself is by visualizing myself slim.  Trying to imagine how it feels to move around in a slim body. How it looks to wear small size clothes.  What it looks, feels, sounds, smells and tastes like to be slim.

Wish me good luck.

Junior sizes:

Junior sizes

5'4"–5'5" (162.5–165 cm) tall, higher bust, shorter back
Dimension/Size	00	0	1	3	5	7	9	11	13	15	17	18
Bust	30	31	32	33	34	35	36	37½	39	41	43	45
Waist	22	23	24	25	26	27	28	29½	31	33	35	37
Hips	32	33	34	35	36	37	38	39½	41	43	45	47
Back-waist length	13¾	14	14½	14¾	15	15¼	15½	15¾	16	16¼	16½	16¾

Misses's sizes:

Misses’ sizes

5'5"–5'6" (165–168 cm) tall, average bust, average back
Dimension/Size	2	4	6	8	10	12	14	16	018	20
Bust	32-34	34	34	35	36	37½	39	40½	42	44
Waist	22-24½	25½	26½	27½	28½	30	31½	33	34½	36½
Hip	33-35½	36½	37½	38½	39½	41	42½	44	45½	47½
Back-waist length	14½	14¾	15½	15¾	16	16¼	16½	16¾	17	17¼

Women's Plus sizes:

Women’s sizes

5'5"–5'6" (165–168 cm) tall, average bust, average back
Dimension/Size	38 (16W)	40 (18W)	42 (20W)	44 (22W)	46 (24W)	48 (26W)	50 (28W)
Bust	42	44	46	48	50	52	54
Waist	35	37	39	41½	44	46½	49
Hip	44	46	48	50	52	54	56
Back-waist length	17¼	17⅜	17½	17⅝	17¾	17⅞	18

Rewards

I have rewarded myself while losing weight with what I think are logical rewards. For example when I started losing weight I did not want to spend money on new clothes, because I didn't want to spend money on more plus size clothing. Shopping in the plus size department of stores made me feel ashamed, I never wanted to look at myself more than glance to see if the clothes covered me sufficiently. So as my pants became too large I folded the waistband over. I did that for several months.

That reward of not having to shop for more plus size clothing worked well until I had a court appearance to make regarding the pending divorce. I wanted to look respectable and as good as I could. So I went shopping and bought 2 new pairs of pants and 1 sweater in a smaller size. They were plus size but a little smaller than I had been wearing. It was a relief to have pants that were not baggy, and to have an outfit where I felt as if I looked relatively smart.

Then as soon as those clothes started to feel too big also I was very anxious to see if I would be able to fit into clothes that were no longer plus size. Because it had been so many years that I had to walk by the regular size section in stores it felt unfamiliar and scarey to shop there. I had to readjust to what in my mind looked like it might fit. I found I was able to fit into Misses size 16 jeans and then bragged to the store clerk that it was the first time since 1997 that I was able to not buy plus size clothing. I was so happy! The next time I went through the store I was able to see and reassure myself that the plus size clothing did look too big.

Another reward I've given myself is allowing myself to donate to Goodwill most of my old plus size clothing, and to throw away old worn out or ripped underwear. I don't have to wear ugly underwear, I can wear pretty clothes and pretty underwear.

I've let my hair grow long because I feel more attractive when my hair is long. I've shopped for hair brushes that use natural boar bristles because they feel so good on my scalp. I've shopped for pins to hold my hair up in a bun or chignon. I've shopped for nail strengthener to help my fingernails become stronger so they can grow longer. I've shopped for make-up and tweezers so I can start paying attention to make-up again.

These are just the little things that I let myself do as rewards.

On the other hand I don't withhold rewards when I have failed attempts; instead I just chaulk it up as an experience to learn from and use them as challenges to figure out something that will work better.

"Nothing succeeds like success" is the old saying that I like to repeat to myself.

Apple and Pears

The world seems to be divided up into three different figure types . . . and thin.

My mother has an hourglass figure. That means she stores fat on her body equally between the upper and lower half of her body. Her waist always remains well defined.

My sister has a pear shape. This is when a woman stores fat on the lower half of her body. Her hips and bottom, legs and thighs.

I have an apple shape. I store fat on the upper half of my body. My tummy and bust, arms and back.

Currently my top is one or two sizes larger than by bottom. I wear between a 14-16 on bottom, and size 16-16W-18 on top. I've always been one size larger on top than bottom.

As I am changing sizes relatively frequently its important to me to wear the correct size and not wear clothes that are very baggy. So when I buy new I want them to either fit exactly or else a little bit snug. I'm buying a few important new pieces for retail prices when I move down to a new size but have also started shopping in second hand stores, otherwise it just would be too expensive to buy new clothes all the time. I was wearing a 42DD bra but last night bought a size 40DD bra; its too snug but better than sagging in a too big bra. (note: couldn't wear this bra yet, still too tight)

One of my favorite things to do is giving to Goodwill clothes that are too big for me. Its like shedding my skin for a new and more attractive figure. It feels absolutely wonderful.

Measures

There are lots of ways of measuring how much weight one has lost. Weighing on a scale of course. Also by taking body measurements. Or a more general measure is by clothing size.

When I started out at 221 lbs I was so big that I could not face taking body measurements. But then I moved down from a size 2X to a size 1X. That is one or two full sizes.

Then about two weeks ago I moved down half a size from 1X to XL. So I decided to try and figure out the American clothing size system. This chart helped me a lot.

Juniors: XS = 00-1.  S = 3-5.  M = 7-9.   L = 11-13.  XL = 15-17.    XXL = 19.
Misses: XS = 0-2.   S = 4-6.  M = 8-10.  L = 12-14.  XL = 16-18.    XXL = 20.
Womens:  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1X = 16W-18W.  2X = 20W-22W.  3X = 24W-26W.

When I'm firmly in the Misses clothing size range, when all Women's Plus size clothing feels too big, then I'll feel confident enough to be able to face taking body measurements.  Until then I'll be content to use clothing as my measure.  I have a theory that clothing size roughly corresponds to my weight divided by 10; so at 120 I might wear size 12, and at 220 I wear size 22.

Plateaus

I've lost another 5 pounds since the end of December. I've been firmly in a size 1X down from 2X since January.

For me fat loss takes place between long periods of plateauing and then a quick plunge on the scale. I've read that instead of using the scale, its good to take measurements. I am not ready to do that. I'm sure in the end it would be impressive to see the difference in numbers but for now I'd prefer to use clothing size as my measure.

It will be a relief to be back into normal size clothing, out of the plus sizes. I have an apple shape, I carry my weight on my tummy, bust, back and arms. So even when I weighed 150 pounds I still wore 1X, which means I might be stuck in plus size clothing for a long time yet.

I've noticed with this plan to be slim that I've often repeated the words of Scarlett O'Hara "I'll worry about it tomorrow". Those surprisingly comforting words, that I've never consciously used before.

This weekend I plan to do some spring cleaning, ruthlessly get rid of all size 2X as well as some older clothing. Out with the old and progress forward.