Cosplay

For Halloween I'm going to dress up in a schoolgirl uniform.  Here are pictures to inspire a cute look.  I wear a US size 8 top and bottom and size 8 shoe.  I have a date with a really nice and super smart guy, someone who I honestly think I could like more than first love, so things are looking up.

On Monday, Oct 29 homescale weight was 144.5 lbs.  Omron scale said 144.8 lbs, 24.8 BMI, 38% body fat, 25.8% muscle, need 1357 kcal to maintain this weight, 7 visceral fat.

Divorced

Wow!  A whole month of no posts, and a whole month of no weight loss, in fact a 1.2 lb weight gain.  I'm still on track with my 6-month plan but only because I was 6 lbs ahead.  Now I'm really going to have to hustle and be very vigilant about sticking to a weight loss program and also begin exercising too.

The last post I wrote about my first love, but the ironic part is the date I wrote that was the day of my final divorce hearing.  On August 28, 2012 I became a divorcee.  I didn't know how I would react to that. But now time has passed and I can tell you.  I am desperate to start dating someone.  I want sex like crazy.  So I'm on 4 different dating sites and emailing more than 4 different men at a time.  Some in this past month have fallen away and some have stayed but always juggling about 4 or more at a time.

I also started Massage School one week after the divorce.  Its a 10 month course and I'm doing ok except I'm very tired and not studying enough and getting behind at work with all my on-line dating and school and work mixed up activities.

First love is still dating the woman he threw me over for in July.  That still breaks my heart.  But I'm trying to believe its for the best, or that if not, we'll get back together.  Although the longer his relationship lasts with the ugly raggedy ann red-headed he-woman that he dates, the less attractive he becomes to me.  Still breaks my heart but its as if her stink just covers him more and more -- sort of like clingy cigarette tar smoke.

So anyway after a month of not tracking I'll start again as of yesterday.  And here are my body statistics too.  October 2 official Weight Watchers weigh in 146.8 lbs.  Today October 3 homescale 141.5 lbs.  Omron scale 142.8 lbs, 24.5 BMI, 37.8% body fat, 25.7% muscle, need 1347 kcal to maintain this weight, 7 visceral fat.
Bust 40"
Rib 32"
Waist 34"
Hip 37-1/2"
Bicep 11-3/4" right
Thigh 20" right.

Tracking

I've been tracking everything I eat very carefully ever since I started Weight Watchers, and that has allowed me to be very careful about what I eat and successfully lose weight.

But last weekend I went crazy and First Love finally phoned me in distress, which hearing his voice, finally, was such a relief that I was finally able to let go of him.  But letting go of him, meant letting go of the reason for losing weight, it was letting go of all hope.   And today is the day of my final divorce hearing, and I am very, very, very nervous.

Today is also the day I begin massage school, so its the last day I was married and the first day of a new life being single again.  I cannot tell you how that distresses me.  I loved being married, even being in a bad marriage was better to me than being single.  For First Love to do this to me, to give me the motivation to divorce my husband in hope of something better with him, and then for him to desert me just before the divorce becomes final, that is such a cruel blow.

Partly I am grateful too, becuase if I am going to be divorced I want to face it with no other hope, I want to face it honestly and darkly and terrified that this might be the biggest mistake of my life.  It might be.

But apart from that honesty, that First Love should leave me deserted losing both him and my husband, its so cruel.  My true love left me once when I was young and I never got over him, then I finally found someone who I was able to keep some heat with and it wasn't as strong a love as with First Love but I was able to maintain some heat with him, I still do.  My consolation in a world without First Love.  But now First Love has gone and left me again, alone, without him, and without the only other person I was able to find any degree of happiness with.  It's just so unbearably cruel.

So left well and truely alone again by First Love.

Anyway this means for the first time since I started Weight Watchers I am struggling to track what I eat, and I have been eating way more than I should.  I'm shocked at how easy it is to eat so much more when I'm not keeping track.   It's so easy to eat too much.  It's too easy.  That's very worrying.  I want to lose so much more weight, how am I going to maintain it?

Well maybe after today I will start tracking religiously again.  With 4 months left I really need to start exercising too. It's the only way I'll make it.  Will also do an herbal cleanse in December to make sure all goes well.

Official July 29 Weight Watchers weigh-in is 145.6 lbs.  I have officially lost 3/4 of the total goal loss!  I've officially lost 75 lbs so far!!!!   That is terrific!!!! Homescale is 143.5 lbs. Measurements:
Bust 43"
Rib 32"
Waist 35"
Hips 39"
Bicep 12" right
Thight 19" right.

Nipper

I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.  It's busy at work and all sorts of changes are in the works.  A time of transition.

I realized the other night that when I drive in my car I've been steering with one hand and pulling my seat belt as tight across my hips as I can with the other hand.  Then I realized it would feel really good to wear a corset.  Well corsets seem weird, like a fetish object, then I realize that dogs wear thunder shirts of thunder jackets to keep them calm during times of anxiety.  And the autistic Temple Grandin invented a squeeze box to calm cattle after making one for herself first and realizing how it helped her anxiety too.  So that's what I'm looking for that feeling of compression.  So i settled on a girdle.  Girdles are easier to find than corsets.

I bought a nice waist nipper girdle with no legs so its easy on and easy off, and I have to say it is one of the best things I've ever bought.  I just love it.  It really calms me down and makes me feel like I'm getting a big hug.  I love it.  I also like that its kind of a sexy piece of underwear too.  So i don't have to feel unattractive or weird in it at all.  In fact I can feel even sexier and more attractive.  I really, really love my waist nipper.  It is a really helpful item of clothing to own.

Official Weight Watchers weigh-in 149.2 lbs.  I have my period.  Homescale 148 lbs.  Omron scale 147.6 lbs, 25.3 BMI, body fat 39%, muscle 35.4%, need 1368 calories to maintain, 7 visceral fat.  

Stars

Perseid Meteor Shower August 12, 2012 in Yellow Springs, Ohio by John Chumack.

If you want to wish upon a star then you must stargaze this week, for the Perseid Meteor Shower was in full force this past weekend and continues through this week.   I give thanks to god, for helping me to successfully lose fat, and be slim, for leading me to the information I need, and for the will and desire to meet this goal.

Official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 147 lbs. (-26 lbs = GOAL!!!)  Homescale is 145.5lbs.   Omron scale is 147.2lbs, 25.3 BMI, 40.1% body fat = still OBESITY!! grrrrrrrrr, 24.5% muscle, need 1365 kcals to maintain this weight, 7 visceral fat.  August 16 measurements:
bust 40-3/4"
rib 32"
waist 36-1/2"
hips  38-1/4"
bicep 12" right
thigh 20-3/4"right.

Interview

I have a job interview today.  I went shopping last night for something to wear.   It's the first time I've shopped at a department store since I'm in my new smaller sizes, so I can say positively that I am a size Small, or Misses' size 8 (comfortably with room to spare) and size 6 (a little tight), and a size 38DD bra.  I can tell if I accidently pick up a size Medium shirt instead of size Small because they are so big.

But it's weird because my body shape looks the same, still very big tummy and fatty upper body.  I still need to lose another 30 pounds.  What clothes will fit me if I am already a size small, what will fit me when I lose that much more?  And I really do need to lose it too, because I'm still on the line between obesity and overfat body fat %.

I hope I get the job.   If I do I will move with the hope that my true love and I might get back together.  If we don't, I don't know what will become of me.  I'm afraid I'll lose my mind, quite seriously.

Oh dear god I pray to you to please, thank you, for bringing my true love and I together once and for all, for the rest of our lives.  Please even in despite of his anger at me for not moving there in 2011.   And then him making me feel so insecure in 2012; then leaving me completely, by dating someone else.

Official August 8 Weight Watchers weigh-in is 150.8 lbs.  Yesterday, August 6, I weighed 148, last night I weighed 149, today, August 7, homescale is 151 lbs. I ate about 600-800 calories yesterday!!!! You can't tell me stress doesn't make me gain weight! Grrrrrrr. Omron scale is 151.6 lbs. 26 BMI.  37.9% body fat.26.6 % muscle.  1393 kcals needed to maintain weight.  7 visceral fat.  And another thing, how am I getting into size 6 clothes with these Measurements:
bust 42.5"
rib 33.5"
waist 36.25"
hips 38.75"
bicep 12" right
thigh 21.25"right

Resist

Ok now that the big project at work is done.  Now that I've been able to find an in-road towards feeling some calm when I'm so furiously angry about my true love.  Now that I looked at photos of my figure.  Now I can see I need to make a plan for specific body toning, to help rid fat and tone muscle and just feel better about myself generally.

Motto:  "Take the body and the mind will follow."

So I need to work out.  I need a work out plan.  Where, when, what.  I don't care what I do to start, it will inevitably change anyway.  I just need to start.  Now.  Today.

My true love advised that I do sit-ups and push-ups.  What is smart about those choices is that I can do them anywhere, anytime.  So that is where I'll start.  Weight resistence exercises using my own weight, and maybe get a new set of hand weights too.

Another woman I know who is very fit suggested hand weights because then you are fully working each arm.  So I bought 4-lb hand weights and have yet to devise a plan.  Every other day weight resistence, alternated with cardio, combined with every day stretching.  Six days on, one day off.

Moon

Well tonight is a gorgeous full moon.   Absolutely stunningly beautiful.  Thank you moon!

Today I was missing my first love like crazy, and tried to find my husband to spend time with him.  I have had so little sleep that I just am a little crazed.  He promised me an airplane ride tonight but I could not find him.

So I noticed yesterday my size medium t-shirt was much bigger than when I bought it.  So I went to my favorite second hand shop and tried on all kinds of size Small t-shirts.  Every single shirt fit!!!!  So all I had to do is decide if I liked the color and the style well enough to buy it.  I bought probably 8 t-shirts and 3 stripey belts.  I love stripey belts lately.

Then I went to the store to try on a smaller size bra and it seems that I am very nearly in a size 36DD bra!!!! That is great.  I bough 2 bras and 4 pairs of matching bottoms.  I am so excited.  I think I look so cute in clothes, really voluptuous and gorgeous.  My face has lost a lot of weight since yesterday too.  I have to moisturize and drink water like crazy, it does help.

I tried on a one-piece swimsuit and the size 8-10 fit but a little too small,  the size 12-14 fit better.

Then I went home and culled my wardrobe again -- that is one of my all time favorite rewards.  Got rid of all size large clothes.

I'm trying to embrace life and the people in.  I'm trying to be warm and grateful and what was that Chinese fortune advice?  Trying to "be affectionate", that was the very good advice.

Phantom

I'm living in the shadowlands between sanity and crazy, due purely to stress.  Trying so hard to hold it together and sometimes I think I'm doing fine.  Then I'll take a walk to calm down and give myself a good talking to and remind myself that rational human beings do not have real relationships with people who have started dating other people, have unfriended you on facebook, and do not reply to your emails.  That, I remind myself, has crossed the line into delusional crazyland of stalking.  So stop it, stop it now.

Stress in the past has caused me to gain weight, I knew that, but I thought that maybe I was eating poorly too.  But I track everythign that passes my lips and I know for a fact that I eat no more than 500-800 calories a day and walk at least 20 minutes to 2 hours a day, and I am still gaining a pound a day.  I went from 146 lbs last week, gaining a pound a day until now I weigh on my homescale 149 lbs.  I cannot tell you how much that pisses me off.

So yes, I look awful, harried.  I feel exhausted, no sleep.   I pray constantly and sometimes I believe that God is really answering my prayers.  Sometimes I think my one true love still cares for me, too -- maybe he worries about me, but his overall message is that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me.  So I have to step out of the shadows and face real life.  In real life my true love abondoned me, just like my husband abandoned me, for other women.  That is the harsh cold truth.

Sorry to say this but you need to face the truth, and you need to somehow get this project done at work, someway, on time so that you can relax again, and recouperate from a really difficult month.

July 31 official Weight Watchers weigh-in 148.6 lbs. What a relief, to be reminded that even when I'm worried and hard on myself that I'm actually doing better than I thought.   Homescale 148 lbs.  August 1 omron scale=148.2 lbs, 25.4 BMI, 40.2% body fat, 24.5% muscle,  need 1369 kcals to maintain weight, 7 visceral fat.  July 31 measurements:
Bust  41.5"
Rib 32.75"
Waist 36"
Hips 39"
Bicep 12.25"right
Thigh 20.5" right

Composition

Now that I'm at the dividing line BMI between average weight and overweight, I need to clarify why my torso still looks so heavy.  The answer is because I am an apple shape and due to the composition of my body fat versus muscle percentages.

So here are a couple of Body Fat % charts to help figure out what's going on.

I have finally reached the undeniable time when I need to nourish myself with only healthy foods; and more than ever need to detox through supplements, stretching and massage, steaming, sweating cardio and weight resistance exercise, etc in order to tone muscle, while I continue to lose fat.

As of yesterday I have 41% body fat which is obese!  Body fat is starting to hang on me in shredded-looking excess skin and so I just really need to do as much as I can to improve the texture of my skin and tone muscles.

There is something I need to explain about those many months of plateauing around ~174 pounds too.  Something that was percolating up into consciousness at the time but that I came to consciously recognize only this week.  I gained over 60 pounds one month in 1998.  I've been carrying all that weight and more since then.

I had been dating my husband, since 1996 when I weighed about 130 lbs.  When I met him I really wanted to have a baby and a family.  And my husband gave me the impression he wanted the same thing.  But then in 1998 one harrowing weekend saw a string of synchronized tragedies and difficulties all struck at one time.  That is when I discovered my husband didn't want the same things I wanted.  After we'd already gone through so much together in the past 2 years, I had been named as the reason for his divorce, the story of our relationship had been posted for the scrutiny of everyone in the newspaper,  his divorce was acrimonious, so I didn't turn away from him, instead I continued moving forward with wedding plans.

When I started shopping for a wedding dress that's when I gained 60+ in one month.  I weighed 120-130 lbs at the beginning of the month and weighed over 190 pounds by the end of the month.   It was as if I was trying to tell myself something.  I was trying to tell myself that I no longer trusted my then fiance, now husband.

From August 2011 through April 2012, for nine months, I plateaued over that 171 lbs goal weight that would mark a 50 pound weight loss, half of my total goal.  All the different things I tried to lose weight didn't work.  But I was starting to talk with people from that harrowing weekend and was slowly piecing together the splinters of scattered and blacked out memories.  Finally I had to face the truth.  Then I found Weight Watchers and was able to start to lose weight again.

It was only after someone asked me this week how I maintain my motivation to lose weight, when I explained that story in detail, that I realized why I had been plateauing so long.   To lose the weight I needed to bring those memories into a light to see the story coherently.  To figure out why I gained all this weight in the first place.

Losing weight is a deeply transforming process.

Happy problem 1: as my body becomes leaner its becoming more uncomfortable to sleep and sit on my less padded bones, the skin feels a little bit raw and almost aches where my lower rib, hips and tailbone stick out.  When I reach 149 lbs I'll be the same weight the first time I joined Weight Watchers in the 1980s.

Happy problem 2: as I'm becoming slimmer and continue to dress in clothes that are form-fitting, men are paying more and more appreciative attention to me.  This unnerves me a bit, especially when it's men I work with who always ignored me.  But I just have to become braver and friendlier.  Fortune cookie says "Love is being offered to you; be affectionate in return!"  --good advice.

Genuinely sad problem with happy outcome:  my true love started dating someone else, and un-friended me on facebook so I can't follow what is going on in his life.  Result is that it continues to be  hard to eat, or sleep.  The lack of sleep is a bother, but eating less is nice.

Seconds

Well now that I've reached the line of between being close to average weight for my height and overweight, I have started to turn heads and receive differential treatment from men.  Today a man held a door open for me, and both women and men gave me a second look when they saw my silhouette.  It's odd but I don't mind it at this time of life, although it unnerved me when younger.

I enjoy dressing cute, in skirts and tops that hug closely enough to outline the contours of my new slimmer figure, without being too tight.  Hollywood costume designer Edith Head coined the rule: "A dress should be tight enough to show you are a woman but loose enough to prove you are a lady."

 I enjoy wearing sleeveless tops becuase they make me feel feminine and vulnerable.  I love summertime for wearing shorts and skirts with bare legs and lots of moisturizing lotion.  I wish I had a nice pair of low-heel sandals too but I bought the pair of platform sandals, even though I stopped wearing them as often.

Clothing size is interesting too now that I'm getting in the range of average weight.  Clothing sizes are changing faster, which I don't mind and makes me very glad to have discovered second hand clothing shops again.

Still need to lose 30 pounds but I enjoy my voluptuous figure now, and wonder if I'll look too thin then. I enjoy my curves, I think I have a kind of sexy shape in clothes.  The 30 pounds to go, I'm hoping that will trim my figure enough to look good in a bikini.  We'll see.

Today my official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 151 lbs. Omron scale is 150 lbs, 25.7 BMI, 41.2% body fat, 24% muscle, need 1377 kcals to maintain current weight, 8 visceral fat.  Measurements:
bust 43"
rib 32.75"
waist 36"
hips 39"
bicep 12.5"right
thigh 20.5"right

Great compliment of the week "I didn't recognize you. I recognized your brother and thought he had a hot date."  Homescale  July 24=148.5 lbs, July 26=146, July 27=147.5, July 28=148, July 29=148, July 30=149 lbs.

Sound

Last week I lost 3.5 lbs due to grief, due to not being able to eat nor sleep. But that 3.5 lbs put me at the point that sets me on the line between being overweight and average weight.  So for the first time I'm starting to feel slim and attractive.

I felt so slim I bought a sleeveless shirt, and it is cute.  So cute that I just wanted to be with my first true love like crazy. My hunger to be appreciated by him was overwhelming.  He has started dating someone new and that has me quite unhinged, but still hope urged me outside the house.

First I went shopping at my favorite second hand shop and bought 4 sleeveless tops, all size medium.  If you would have told me a year ago I'd be doing this, I was planning on this, but still to accomplish it feels entirely different.  I feel so liberated to own sleeveless tops.  The last time I wore a sleeveless top was in junior high school, ever since then I've worried that my arms were too fat.  My arms are indeed fat now, with excess skin too, but I don't even care.  I'm just so happy to be thinner that I am wearing sleeveless tops.  In size medium, as well!!!!

"Feel the fear and do it anyway."  I guess that is what I'm trying to make my new motto.  I hope it continues to pull me forward to only good things.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.  Still filled with overwhelming desire to be appreciated by my true love but knowing he was too far away and also unavailable, I went to the airport where I found my husband, asked him for a plane ride and he agreed.

I have regular treatments with a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor.  Mostly acupuncture and herbs to support weight loss and restore balanced health; but lately I've tried sound therapy.  The last appointment was treatment to deal with fear.

The night I went on a plane ride was surprised to realize that I was not suffering from vertigo the way I always had.  In the past I'd look down to the ground and imagine falling over and over and over. This time I felt fine.  The only way I can explain the difference is due to the sound therapy treatment.

Chance

Virgin Mary at St Mary's Stanwell.

Prayer: Oh most beautiful flower of Mt Carmel, fruit wine splendorous of Heaven, Blessed Mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in my necessity.  Oh Star of the Sea.  Help me and show me herein you are my mother.  Oh Holy Mother, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth, I humbly beseech you from the bottom of my heart to succor me in my necessity.  There is none that can withstand your power.  Oh show me here you are my Mother.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Thank you for mercy towards me and mine.  Amen.

I feel so frustrated.  When am I going to be single again?  Single.  To look forward to what?  I don't know why I'm looking forward to being single, when I did love being married for a little while.

My husband spurned me, and I had given up hope for our relationship. I only had hope that if I survived him then I might be able to enjoy a few years alone, satisfied that at least I'd kept my vow of marriage to him.

Then I went to a reunion and felt physical memories in my body and hope began to stir up that the one who I have always loved, might care for me too.  So after much soul searching I gathered up the courage to file for divorce.

At last, we had our day in court and usually the judge makes a ruling within a few months, but we are still waiting. This whole process is taking an unusually long time.

The one who I have always loved, the one I refer to as my one pure true love, moved on to someone new while I am still sitting here in a purgatory.  So when the divorce does become final I have little in this world to look forward to, apart from just living out my days in a thinner body.

I do love having a slimmer body, it makes me feel like a human being again.

But my truth is that for him, my one pure true love, there was little risk for him, apart from his heart.  For me, who has so little security now, there was the risk of my heart, but also any financial security I have (health insurance, pension, low expenses), as well as losing the supportive base of family and friends.  So I did have more to lose, more to win too yes, but if I didn't win his devotion then I would have lost everything.  I told him I needed 2 years, but he stopped seeing me after one year.

Did I make the smarter choice by not gambling, by not quiting my job and moving closer to him?  Except that I didn't give myself a chance to win the greatest prize of all.  And yet if the one who I love really trusted me, should he have waited for me longer, and cared more about my security too?  I told him I'd need 2 years, but he gave me one, told me to stay away, then did wait 2 years before dating someone new.

And yet, I am left wondering what I did not give to him, that he would move on from me?  What did he need that I did not give him? I worry that he needed the reassurance that I loved and trusted him in the form of physical affection.  But I had so little confidence to begin with and then was subjected to continual heavy demands on my behaviour, that I don't think I had anything to give him, then.  I am in a much stronger place, I have it now to give to him, and only him.

We lacked enough trust in each other, didn't we?

p.s. I'm so desperately sad.  I have to do something to feel better, so I went shopping at my favorite second hand shop and bought 2 new skirts.  Guess what size they are?  Size 8!!  and size 4!!!!  --granted the size 4 skirt is made of stretchy lycra denim fabric, but holy moley that skirt is sexy. 

My one pure true love, I'm doing this all for you. You're missing out on all this.  I'm starting to look pretty good.  Please come back to me.

Miss

St Jude Thaddeus the Apostle

Prayer:  Saint Jude, we have problems in our relationship. Beg Almighty God to give us the light to see ourselves and each other as we really are. Help us to grow daily in self-knowledge and mutual love, while at the same time developing our potential to love and be loved. Help us, Saint Jude, to see and root out every manifestation of selfishness, vanity, and childish self-seeking -- those hidden enemies of love and maturity. Show us that by learning to love and being filled with love, we may complement and nurture each other as we share our lives together.  Amen.

Well for the third time in my life I've lost my appetite, and can't sleep at night.  The same cause each time.  The first time my true love broke up with me, the second time my true love moved away from me and we were apart for 25 years, now this time my true love stopped waiting for my divorce to become final to instead start dating someone he just met.

Since Wednesday I can't eat, I can't sleep.  I had large bowl of Irish oats and fruit for breakfast, 1/2 a cupcake for lunch and then I found out my true love started dating someone else.

 Even with that much food, I lost 4 pounds over night!!!! I went from 154 lbs on Wednesday to 150.5 lbs on Thursday.  And so far its stayed off, I imagine I might have lost a little more since then too but I didn't weigh myself today.

The Weight Watchers site already warns me about losing weight too quickly.  I'm glad to be losing weight though.  I just wish I could sleep.  I don't know what to do.  And today I did something that was more impetuous than well thought out.  I hate that -- it makes me feel a little crazy.  I'm fine really.  I just miss him so much.

Miss him.  And just as I dated my husband while he was still married; the man who recently struck at my heart is not my husband; this time I am married and he's who I'd like to be dating.  I am a Mrs wishing to be a Miss, but instead I'm amiss, missing my pure true love.

To calm down and sleep I prayed to St Jude and then watched on-line dharma talks of Thich Naht Hahn.  He gives the best, gentlest, easy to remember mindfulness practices and mantras.  To love and be there meditation.  1. Recognize his or her presence.  2. Learn two mantras: (breathe in) "Darling I'm here for you." (breathe out) "Darling I know you are there and I'm so happy."

p.s. Official July 17 Weight Watchers weigh-in 151.6 lbs -- which means I'm almost one month ahead of my 6-month goals.   Omron scale 150.8 lbs, 25.7 BMI, 42% body fat, 23.4% muscle, need 1380 kcals to maintain weight, visceral fat is 8.  Homescale July 16=149 lbs, July 17=149.5 lbs, July 18=150.5 lbs, July 19=149 lbs, July 20=151 lbs, July 23=148.5 lbs. Measurements:
Bust 41.5"
Rib 32.5"
Waist 36"
Hips 39.5"
Bicep 12.25"right
Thigh 20.5"right.

Armful

I am both really happy and yet still very frustrated.

I went to the store and tried on one size smaller bras and they fit fine.   38DD instead of 40DD (in 2010  I was wearing 42DD).  That is wonderful; so I bought 2 new bras and that is a great reward.

Also I went through my clothes and got rid of all plus size and XL size clothes, which is another great reward.  I have only size Medium and Large now.  Mostly I wear size Medium. I like wearing smaller sized clothes but they are lasting no longer than 1 year because of fat loss, which is nice but could be expensive if I wasn't buying mostly 2nd hand clothes.

My bra size is one size smaller but my bikini body looks, to me, exactly the same as when I was obese. In fact my body weight BMI is in the overweight category but my 43.1% body fat is still obese.  I'm glad that my clothing size is getting smaller, but hope I start to get a nicer looking figure soon.  And becuase I'm an apple shape it means I feel too blubbery to wear spaghetti strap tops which are really nice and cool.  That is one of my goals, to feel good wearing spaghetti straps.

Another reward spurred on by concern about my bikini body looks, is that I started using MSM supplements, body lotion, and soap.  MSM is a detoxifier and detoxification just might be making me feel a little cranky today, so I'll try to have more patience for myself.   I'm taking them to hopefully address the excess skin issue.  MSM is supposed to tighten up skin and help with elasticity of joints, its considered a beauty secret for gorgeous firm skin.  Fingers crossed it works.

Reading Dr. Fuhrman information I've figured out 3 things, to stop food cravings and hunger I need to eat food that provides excellent nutrition.  For repairing ill health and improving looks I need to detoxify through specific nutrients, sweating, moving around, massage, etc.  To manage my weight I need to learn how to eat to live, to learn how to comfortably eat less, following real hunger, and eating less than I desire by rote.

p.s. July 10, 2012 official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 155 lbs.  Homescale weight is 154 lbs. Omron scale is 154.6 lbs, 26.5 BMI, 42.2% body fat, 23.8% muscle, I need 1396 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8.  Measurements:
Bust 43"
Rib 33.75"
Waist  37"
Hips  39"
Bicep 12.5" right
Thigh 21.75" right

p.p.s. 11 July 154 lbs, 12 July 150.5 lbs, 13 July 150.5 lbs, 14 July 150.5 lbs.

Pearl

I am intentionally trying to cultivate grace.  I'm sure you've seen it in action, so you know what I mean.  When you meet someone who just has so much faith in god that they just believe or know or have just so regularly attributed all to an interventionist god that whatever happens to them, good or ill, they just accept it with serenity and believe it is all god's will.

The sort of people who swim half way between the material world and the spiritual world.  That is what I'm trying to cultivate, that serenity, that faith.

It's more than just serenity, though isn't it?  It's almost as if they believe god is on their side, watching out for them, and protecting them.  As if they are dancing in the palm of god.

Well whatever it is they have, I want to have it too.  So I'm trying to cultivate it somehow.  By choosing to attribute everything to god, and choosing to believe it all has meaning for me. As if the world has been almost designed for my edification, for my nurturance, for my benefit, personally.

There is a song in Dutch by Gerald Troost called "Een parel" that has been very calming to me even before I translated the lyrics.  The lyrics are actually a little embarrassing but I still like the song.   The deeper meaning goes along with the Buddhist idea of "one bright pearl" and the biblical scriptures:  "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." -Isaiah 41:10.  "See! I will not forget you.  I have carved you on the palm of my hand."  -Isaiah 49:15.

Een Parel (akoestisch) by Gerald Troost

You sit here alone
No man around you.
And the fear prevails
When you think about who you are
and who you'll ever have.

And nobody sees
your pain and sorrow.
And no man can give you
a purpose in your life.
Oh loneliness.

You are shouting to a friend
that you really understand.
Longs for a god who
frees your soul.
And in your dark night sounds
a voice very soft . . . .

You are a miracle.
You are special.
You are a jewel in god's hands.
He gives you love
which you desire.

Through all your tears,
He never leaves you alone.
Give him the space
in your pain.
He wants to be a father
for you.
You're a Pearl.

I kind of like this blog entry, its not perfect but its good.  Wrapt in her wings.  I don't wish for visions, that's the opposite of what I want. All I'm looking for really is some way to not go mad.  The turn of events is almost too much for me to accept, I keep hoping it will turn back to the way it was in 2011, because if not, I'm afraid its almost too much for me.

I'm frustrated that my weight is not going down as fast as I'd like.  So what does this mean?  I think it means that I need to eat more vegetables and fruit, and less dairy and processed foods.  I think it also means I really NEED to start doing weight resistance exercise.

This past week my weight has been as low as 155.5 and 156.5 but today my official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 157.2 lbs. REACHED -10%!!!!  The home scale weight is 157.5.   The omron scale weight is 158 lbs, 27.1 BMI, 43.1% body fat, 23.5% muscle, I need 1411 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8.  Measurements are:
Bust 42.5"
Rib  34.75"
Waist  36.5"
Hips  39.5"
Bicep 12.75"right
Thigh 21.5"right

p.s. July 4 homescale 155 lbs, July 5 = 155 lbs, July 6 = 155.5 lbs, July 7 = 155 lbs, July 8 = 155.5 lbs, July 9 = 154 lbs.

Doctor Doctor

My dear favorite Dr Fuhrman was on the Dr Oz show on June 4 introducing a 7-day crash diet. Part one. Part two. I'm going to try it.

Dr Fuhrman's website discussion page stated I should expect to detox when starting to eat this way, which means I might not feel so great this week, therefore do not start a new exercise regimen, more than just walking 30+ minutes per day, continuing what I'm already doing.

This is the 90% vegetable, fruit, beans, seeds, nuts, whole grain/10% oil, low-fat protein and dairy plan:
Breakfast: plain oatmeal with flax Seeds, BERRIES and fruit.
Lunch: Bean patties, soups, and dips with veggies.
Dinner: Greens and veggie stir-fry, pizza, salad, with ONIONS and MUSHROOMS.
Anytime:  shakes made with fruit juice, lemon juice, ice, water, and berries.

Beans are a dieters best friend because they keep you full, and are high in resistent starch, meaning that half the calories consumed can not be absorbed.  They reduce blood sugar, and create fatty acid butyrate which may burn fat faster.  Butyrate improves mitochondrial function in your cells, leading to a decrease in fat.

To flush fat from your body you need to release the toxins that are keeping you swollen with fat and fluid.  BERRIES, ONIONS, and MUSHROOMS are anti-angiogenic which means they starve fat cells by cutting off the  blood supply to fat cells, and by growing new capillary blood vessels.  The more you eat of these foods the more you will lose.

Also note:  Dr Joel Fuhrman suggests body fat of <23% for women, <12% for men.  From my start weight of 121, I aim to lose 100 lbs; but his suggested goal is 111-115 lbs.

Day 1, Sunday June 24, homescale 158.5 lbs.
B:  1/4 c Irish steel cut oats, 1 Tbl oat bran, 1 Tbl ground flax, 1/2 banana, 1 c berries.
L:  1/2 c. beans w/onion, [1 oz cheddar], tortilla, salad w/fat-free dressing, kiwi.
      My purse was stolen from my car.
D:  [1 Bisquick shortbread, 1 c frozen yogurt], strawberries, [ginger ale].

Day 2, Monday  June 25, homescale 158.5 lbs.
L:  [3 scoops Herbalife shake, protein bar]
D:  1/2 c beans w/onion, [1 oz cheese], tortilla, salad w/fat-free dressing.

Day 3,Tuesday June 26, homescale 157.5 lbs.
B: grapes
L:  [2 scoops Herbalife shake, german chocolate brownie]
D:  salad [w/6 croutons] and 2 Tbl fat-free dressing.
A:  [1/2 c. frozen yogurt] strawberries, grapes.
    I have to try harder, maybe extend the diet by 3+ days.

Day 4, Wednesday June 27, homescale 157.5 lbs.
B:  1/4 c Irish oats, 1 Tbl oat bran, 1 Tbl ground flax, 1 oz walnuts, 1/2 banana, 1/2 c berries.
L:  grapes.
D: [take-away Szechuan tofu and veg with 2 Tbl white rice. 1 fortune cookie.]

Day 5, Thursday June 28, homescale 155.5 lbs.
L:  baby carrots, cherries.
D:  [take-away Szechuan tofu and veg, 1 small carrot cake, 1 fortune cookie.]
A:  1/2 serving grape chia kombucha

Day 6, Friday June 29, homescale 157 lbs.
B: 1/4 c Irish oats, 1 Tbl oat bran, 1 Tbl ground flax, 1/2 banana, 1/2 c berries.
L:  1 c beans and onions, tortilla, [1 oz cheese, salsa, 3 diet root beers].
   Purse was found.
D:  6 oz almonds, [1 sundae drumstick, 1 c frozen yogurt].
A:  1 bunch grapes, 12 cherries.

Day 7, Saturday June 30, homescale 157.5 lbs.
B:  1/4 c Irish oats, 1 Tbl oat bran, 1 Tbl ground flax, 1/2 banana, 1/2 c berries.
L:  [microwave popcorn, 1-1/2 c frozen yogurt].
D:  salad w/2 Tbl fat-free dressing.
A:  kale chips, 1/2 frozen banana [dipped in chocolate] and nuts.

Day 8, Sunday July 1, homescale 156.5 lbs.
B:  lime greek yogurt.
L:  salad w/2 Tbl fat-free dressing, 2 cobs corn [w/1 tsp butter, 1/2 cupcake, 1 diet root beer].
D:  1 c ww spaghetti, 1/2 c veggie sauce, [1 Tbl parmesan], 1/2 c lima beans, salad w/1 Tbl fat-free dressing.
A:  3 kiwis.

Day 9, Monday July 2, didn't weigh.
B:  strawberries.
L:  [Herbalife protein shake.]
D:  [frozen Asian pot stickers meal w/rice, 1/4 of Jack's cheese pizza]
A:  frozen banana [dipped in chocolate] and nuts, salad w/2 Tbl fat-free dressing.

Summary:  I did not do so well.  My cravings got stronger, as Dr Fuhrman suggested they would.  So I'm going to try this diet another week, but this time I'll use Dr Fuhrman's books and menus for more variety of ideas of how to be good.  Also I'll rely on the DrFuhrman discussion boards for support too.  Really is important to me to crack this becuase even though I'm doing fine regarding calories and the Weight Watcher system, I see the inherent problem that might be a problem in future -- the problem of not addressing, well enough, improving nutrition. Also need to add weight resistence training, but like Dr Fuhrman suggests, don't worry about this yet, just work at getting over "toxic hunger" first.

p.s. The official Weight Watchers weight is 159.4 lbs for Tuesday June 26.  Omron scale is 158.8 lbs, 27.2 BMI, body fat 43.1%, muscle 23.6%, need 1414 kcal to maintain weight, visceral fat = 8.  Measurements:
Bust 42.5"
Rib 34.75"
Waist 37.25"
Hips 40"
Bicep 12.5" right
Thigh 21.75" right

p.p.s.Last week my WW leader said "You're in the 150's!" and I kept repeating that to myself all week.  This week my workmate who goes to WW with me told me that her 12-year old son said this about me "That skinny lady is really nice."  So you can imagine how happy that makes me.  I'll be repeating that as often as I can!!

Focus

Two years ago I friended on Facebook the person I refer to as "my true love".  He has asked me to focus on him less, and when I've asked to see him, he does not agree to seeing me, in fact he got out of previous plans we'd made.  He is gentle and doesn't want to be mean but it appears that he also doesn't want to encourage me.

Anyway two years ago when we first started writing there were several things he was looking for in a relationship that I had to try to change into or agree to in order to be what he was looking for.  They were things I liked and wanted to be, but still at the time, it stuck in my craw a little bit, that he would have specific wishes in a relationship, that if I wasn't those things already that I'd have to change to be them for him.  Truely I didn't begrudge what he wished for, but I begrudged that I would need to change, that irritated my ego.

- He stated that he wanted someone who would not miss living without a television.
- Someone who practices his faith.
- He is attracted to very slim women.  Someone who is active and healthy.  Someone to go hiking and camping with in the mountains.  Curious and adventurous to explore the world with.
- Literature, art and music are very important to him.

So anyway here I am wondering what I would ideally like in a relationship?  So that's what this post is about.

1. I love my dog so I would want someone to be gentle and indulgent of him, sharing the care of him with me.  Taking him on walks when I can't, for the rest of his life letting him sleep on the bed like he always has. Playing with him to show him care and consideration you would any family member.  Not ignoring him and treating him like a slave dog, the way most people treat pets.

2. I would want a non-smoker, non-druggy, non-gambling; and mostly non-drinker except maybe for special occasions. I would someone who would be monogamous, faithful to me, forsaking all others.  Someone who is stable and well-grounded, careful with and grateful for his life and resources.

3. I would like him to be involved in faith-based community, as long as it was a faith that didn't push their ideas on everyone else.  A nice supportive group that helped each other and the world. Charitable.

4. I would like him to have good taste in music, music that I enjoy and appreciate.

5. I would like him to be healthy and have an interest in regular physical activity, gentle but striving for  challenges too.

6.  I would like him to have good taste in art and decoration, to appreciate the finer things in life, but the authentic finer things, not for show, but real, intrinsic value.  Well made objects, well designed.

7. I would like him to challenge me to be the best I could be without pushing me, more like dangling a carrot encouraging me.

8. I would like to be someone that he would delight in, and who he would continue be attracted to: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, every way.  I'd like to be this true love too, his helpmate, because what I would like is a sense of belonging with him, of being treasured and loved, a united family, each of us looking out for the best interests of the other.

So I just described the man who I refer to as "my true love"; except for number 8, I don't know if I am that for him.  I wish and hope I am.

p.s. On June 18 my home scale weight was 159!!!!! lowest so far!!!! Measurements over clothes were:
Bust 43-1/4" Rib 35-1/2"  Waist 36" Hips 40-1/2" Bicep 12-3/4"right Thigh 22" right.

p.p.s.  On Tuesday June 19 my official Weight Watchers weight is  159.8 lbs. WW Leader said "You're in the 150's!"  Good progress but I am worried by Omron body fat % is obese, and kcals to maintain weight keep getting lower. I need to lose 6 lbs per month. NEED to lose 6 lbs per month.

Home scale weight is 160.  Omron scale is 160.4 lbs, 27.5 BMI, 43.3% body fat (32+% = obese, 21-24%=fit) , 23.6% muscle, need 1422 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8 (5-8 = healthy).  Measurements:
Bust 42"
Rib 34-3/4"
Waist 38-1/4"
Hips 40"
Bicep 12-1/2"right
Thigh 21-1/2"right

Thrift

Shopping for clothing has changed since I've been losing weight,  I'm on a strict budget so I'm shopping in second hand shops,  only a few times per year.   Lately I've been shopping because I do need summer clothes, but also to distract myself from thinking about the person I've referred to in this blog as "my true love".   The other night I bought 6 short sleeve t-shirts and 2 skirts for $20.25; that was a good deal.

Last summer when I moved down from plus sizes to regular Misses size XL, I bought 4 short sleeve shirts, 3 shorts to last the whole season.  This summer becuase I'm shopping more than usual: 12 tops, 4 skirts, 3 shorts, and 1 pair of wedge sandals.  Changing sizes is fun and a reward for losing weight, its the flip side reward of getting rid of old large size clothing.  The two go hand in hand, get rid of the old and bring on the new.

Here are my top tips for clothes shopping at 2nd hand shops:
1. First number one, most important rule:  when shopping for clothes wear a good, well-fitting bra. Its impossible to tell if you like an item without a good bra.

2. If you ever buy anything made of wool, be sure to drop it off at the dry cleaner before you bring it home.  I've ruined good cashmere clothes several times in my life by bringing home moths from 2nd hand shops.

3.  First time you shop at a 2nd hand store it will take a long time and you might feel overwhelmed; know you will get better each time you go.  Each time you shop it will become easier to focus and find what you are looking for.  The first time I went I spent hours and tried on over 50 items but brought home 2; now in 20 - 30 minutes, I tried on 18 items and bought 6.

Here are some of my strategies, although you'll come up with your own:
When losing weight I focus on the next lower size I want to get into and limit myself to looking only for items in that size.

I choose a size and go through those items one by one, when I find an item I like I'll check to make sure it is clean before putting it on my stack to try on.

When choosing items to try on notice the brand names,  because buying multiple items of clothing made by the same brand increases the likelihood of having pieces that match.  One brand has a midnight navy blue color that remains the same year after year, another brand has the same heather gray year after year, etc.

When I have a good stack of items to try on I go to the dressing room.  In the dressing room I sort items into stacks of Buy, Eliminated and Maybe.   I try on the Buy stack of clothes a 2nd time before I buy them, most of the Maybes usually get eliminated either before or during the 2nd try on.

When choosing items to buy, resist strongly any desire to buy a piece that is a size large just because you like the style so much. Resist.  Resist.  Resist.  You are losing weight and that item will too soon be in the discard pile with all of your other too big clothing, so in most cases its waste of money.

Choose items that just fit or are slightly too small; but resist the urge to buy more than one or 2 items that are a whole size too small, because its hard to know if it will flatter you when it does fit.

Resist having emotional attachments to clothing.  When you are losing weight these clothes are likely to be in your life for less than a year.   If you find a piece you love, remember there are many other pieces you will love in smaller sizes as you lose more weight.  There is always more to love ahead.

Remember that its likely you'll make a few mistakes, a few items you regret buying.  Some shops will let you return items, or you could make the best of it by wearing the item once or twice to get your moneys worth out of it, then in any case chaulk it up to experience and add that item to your discard pile.

I started fashion bulletin boards for each season and, after a year,  discovered my style changes a great deal with each season.  For me personally I discovered this pattern:

      WINTER -- deep black, navy, brown, beige, gold, burgandy and shell pink colors, in 1930s art deco stylized, dramatic shapes.  Layers of  thin lightweight woolen fabrics and silk crepe. Focus on scarves, jackets, coats, gloves, socks, and boots.  Emphasis on precious and antique rings and pendants.

     SPRING -- soft and bright aqua, green, rose, and butter pastels, floral fabrics, reminiscent of youthful 1940s short puffy sleeves, drapey, sheer fabrics in stretchy form-fitting styles.  Focus on short-waisted hand-knitted cardigans, knee length A-line skirts, skinny belts, soft, feminine dresses in beige or shell pink chiffon, ballet flats, Mary Jane strap pumps, pretty spring jacket.  Emphasis on cloissine and costume jewelry in shapes of flora and fauna.

     SUMMER -- bold, primary cobalt blue, saffron yellow and reds in dramatic color block 1970s loose-hanging new wave fashion.  Focus on shorts, horizontal stripes or picture t-shirts, plaid shirts, hiking boots and canvas tennies for camping.  Swimsuits, embroidered ethnic smock tops, espedrilles, flip-flops and sandals.   Emphasis on loads of fun, cheap bracelets.

     AUTUMN -- heathered gem colors in rust, olive, plum, cornflower, carmel, and gray woolens in 1960s collegiate style.  Focus on layers of soft cardigans with elbow patches, tailored front-placket button shirts, fair isle woolen sweaters, blazers,  trench coats, skinny jeans with suede Hush Puppy desert boots, or taller boots layered with over the knee stockings and short skirts.  Emphasis on multiple stacked rings, and semi-precious, imported charms, and pendants.

The fashion bulletin board helped me identify one key item that would be hard to find in a 2nd hand shop, so I  bought that item at a good clothing store, but the bulk of my wardrobe is made up of 2nd hand finds.  Last autumn the key item was skinny jeans, this summer my key item was a pair of wedge sandals.

N'ever

Every weigh-in at Weight Watchers is the same, I have no idea if the scale is going to show whether I have lost weight or not.  This week I did really well at eating fewer number of points per day than the 26 minimum required, but then on Saturday I ate 75 pistachios that used up those leftover points and some weekly points too.*  Every morning I weighed myself and was 160 lbs, then Sunday and Monday I weighed 164 lbs!

[*UPDATE:  Read the label on the pistachios container and discovered 49 pistachios is one ounce serving of 140 calories, so I seriously over-counted the number of points for what I actually ate.  I have to go back and re-figure out that whole week.  I'm eating way under (12-20 WW points per day) the 26 WW points I should eat each day and so I don't know why I'm not losing weight faster, the only thing I can figure out is that again I've been super stressed lately -- that always makes me gain weight.]

To make it worse I was going to eat no points on Monday to make sure the weight loss would still show up, but there was a family birthday and I made dinner and ate some too: whole wheat spaghetti with marinara, peas with butter, salad with fat-free dressing, plus angel food cake with fat-free frosting and raspberries.  That meant I used up all my points in one meal!  Monday night I measured my waist and it was 38", up an inch and a half too!!

Oddly, I have sciatica pain for two days too, and there is no reason for it, and its on the right side where I never had it before.  According to Louise Hay sciatica is about being hypocritical, fear of money and the future.  Pain is about guilt, because guilt always seeks punishment.  Right side of the body is about giving out, letting go, masculine energy, men, father.  Chant affirmations:  "All my relationships are loving and harmonious.  I release any desperation and allow love to find me.   I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied. I know that I deserve love and accept it now.  The more grateful I am the more reasons I find to be grateful.  I prosper wherever I turn."

Fat is about oversensitivity; represents fear and shows a need for protection. Fear may be a hidden anger and resistance to forgive.  Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self-rejection and seeking fulfillment.  Fat arms are anger at being denied love.  Fat belly anger at being denied nourishment.  Chant affirmations:  "I am safe.  It is safe to feel.  My feelings are normal and acceptable.  I love and approve of myself and I trust the process of life.  I am safe. I now discover how wonderful I am.  I choose to love and enjoy myself."

So I don't know what will happen with the weigh-in today.  It will piss me off if I show no weight loss considering that I always eat less than half my weekly points, and get exercise almost every day.  Who knows?  The scale is beyond logic, at least beyond my logic.  I must lose 6+ lbs per month!

I do know that I have to add weight resistance exercises in order to build muscle, to need more kcals per day, and also because a fitness trainer explained that although aerobic exercise continues to burn fat for 2-3 hours after exercising, weight lifting continues to burn fat for 1-2 days after exercising.

So Tuesday official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 164 lbs, up .4 lbs.  GRrrrrr
My first thing in the morning home scale is 163 lbs. Omron scale is 163.8 lbs, 28.1 BMI, 43.4% body fat, 23.9% muscle, visceral fat is 9, and need to eat 1438 kcals per day to maintain my weight.  Measurements:
Bust 44.25"
Rib 35"
Waist 36.75"
Hips 40.5"
Bicep 12.5"right
Thigh 21.5"right  

Confidence

I need to improve self confidence.  In a relationship with other people we crave a little bit of challenge, we want to grow.  If I have not enough self confidence then I can't challenge myself nor anyone else.

"Confidence is courage at ease." --Daniel Maher

How to Build Self Confidence, has really good advice; in fact the whole Positivity blog is good.

10 Ways to Instantly Build Self Confidence, recommends putting yourself out there, in front;  and recommends the unusual idea of writing a 30-60 second commercial where you sell yourself, and then rehearse it in a mirror to yourself everyday. Smile at yourself in the mirror.

When I went to the counselor she asked me to come up with something I'm good at.  I had already said I have a natural god-given talent for parallel parking but she asked for something more.  I thought a long time before I came up with, that I might be good at writing.  That when I write letters it helps clarify things to me, and maybe to the person I write to, too.

But what are more things I'm good at?
1. parallel parking
2. maybe writing, not sure
3. drawing, am sure, but I don't do it anymore
4. sewing, am sure, but I rarely do it anymore
5. gentle with animals.
6. currently successful at losing or maintaing weight for more than 1 and 1/2 years.

Gifts

My true love gave to me . . .

1. first hand hold
2. first kiss
3. first mercy and first trust
4. first love
5. first golden iridescence of God
6. only starlit swim
7. first butterfly kiss
8. he let me read out loud to him, and he read out loud to me too
9. he let me write words on his skin, and he wrote on me too
10. first anguish and passion
11. last love
12. he showed me a different way to live and reminded me of choices too

More than anything else my true love has always inspired me to want to do more, to face fears, to challenge myself.  I flunked out of college then met him and wanted to go back and graduate. I wanted to help him through grad school to become (maybe first a high school teacher but eventually) a college professor.  I lost him and flunked out a second time but eventually graduated, he became a teacher but not a college professor.  I became fat and had given up.  Then I met him again and was reminded of how I once felt with him, I wanted to be slim, to make him proud of me.

I've only ever wanted to make my parents pleased before but he is the first person outside of my family who I really cared to make him proud.  Now its all I want, to love him and be proud of myself, for him to be proud of me. I've never felt that way before with anyone, no friends, my husband, no one.  It feels humbling but in an honest way, in a way that is vulnerable, opening your heart wide for the world to see. I wonder if its humbling because I care so much about what he thinks of me?  More than anyone else.  But also because I love him so much and it seems so obvious how desperate I am for him.  My happiness depends on him in large part.

6-26 p.s. I figured out it feels humbling to love someone so much, because to know that your life will never be the same if they do not share your life with them, that is humbling and scarey, because you think everyone can see how much you want them, how much you actually do need them in your life.  To admit that you do need them, in order to be the person you want to be.

Reboot

I talked to a counselor yesterday about my fears for the future.  In the initial appt she just needed an overview of where I am and what I'm looking for, and she promised that she'll help me look at the coping mechanisms I've used in the past, to weed out what might no longer be useful, and to help me discover new coping mechanisms as well.  Thank you.  That is exactly what I was hoping for.

So I re-read all the old stuff on this blog referring to my one true love, weighing it up with the knowledge that he has been writing to me less often this past month, since his divorce became final.  Maybe its just a coincidence that he is wanting to put more space between him and I at the the same time when he feels unfettered from his 2nd marriage commitment.  Maybe its just coincidence, or maybe he was holding on to me when he was feeling desperate, and now that he feels more in control of his life again, he sees me as something he would like to get rid of too.  That's my fear. I just now found the words to express the dread I've been feeling.  I have no certainty of course, since he did not tell me that.

So if I have been a prize chump fool idiot, then yes I do feel hard-done-by.  Yes I do have a chip on my shoulder.

But what good will that chip do me?  If my fear is confirmed then I'm not the person who did that to him, he did it to me, its his chip, he should carry it.

So with the computer crashed, everything lost, all I can do is reboot. Right?

So I'll do my best to reboot. With a past full of hard and painful lessons; try to reimagine a different future, even if not as bright as I hoped then to be able to find something of value.  I have no other choice really do I?  Because what did the man who survived a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge say when he saw the surface of the bay water too quickly getting closer?  "I really have a problem now!"

An alternative way to explain why my one true love changed from wanting to date me to no longer wanting to date me, maybe he's waiting for my divorce to become final.  That's my hope, my faint, slight, tattered, cheesecloth hope.  I get so desperate feeling when I fear I may have lost him forever. After all this time, to lose him again, its just so hard.

p.s. I just saw a bunch of pictures of me from this weekend.  I look awful! You can't tell I've lost any weight at all yet!  I've lost almost 60 lbs but I look the same.  Why do I look different in the mirror? When will anyone other than me actually be able to see a difference?  I want to look better!  I want to be more daring and assertive too.  When will it all get better?  At least I'm successfully dieting. Grrrrrr, though.

Tuesday

Tuesday, today, is Weight Watchers weigh-in day.  The program works and I like it,  a lot.  Today on my home scale I weighed 160 lbs, which is lowest weight to date.  But I'm sure to weigh more at the official Weight Watchers meeting.

Official Weight Watchers meeting weight is 163.6 lbs. Loss of 2.4 lbs since last week, total loss of 10.6   lbs since joining WW (start weight 174.2 lbs on May 1); and 57.6 lbs since starting this in Aug 2010.

I'm very pleased this program is working.  I hope it continues to work down to and beyond my goal weight of 121 lbs.  I will lose 100+ pounds total,  I started at 221 lbs following loosely a 1500 calorie a day diet.  When I reached the boundary line between overweight and obese I stalled there at between 167 lbs and 172 lbs.  For over 6 months I kept gaining and losing the same 5 pounds.  That made sense because to maintain that weight I needed to eat around 1480 calories a day.  But until I joined Weight Watchers, I couldn't figure out how to reduce calories anymore.  It already felt too light, still feeling hunger.

I hope that I will continue to lose weight following the Weight Watchers program, lower than 121 pounds.  Because if there is ever any hope that I might ever win my one true love back, then I need to be able to maintain a weight of less than 121 pounds of the rest of my life.  That's due to my BMI, and his. He is slender and tall but muscular and I have always been a little bit softer than him.  In college my jean size was larger than his and that always bothered me.  I need to be a smaller jean size than him.  I need a smaller torso, to feel attractive.

When I met my husband I weighed around 130 and felt thinner than I've ever felt in my life.  I liked the way my breasts looked and my torso.  I thought I looked really good.  But that was after losing 20-25 pounds and I realize now that when I lose weight its hard for me to see myself objectively.  I just feel thinner and that is good enough.   This time I really need to make it to actually, honestly being slim.   Please god help me; thank you for helping me reach and maintain my goal range of 115-121 lbs.

The saddest part of course is what if I have already lost my true love for a second time?  Would that mean it was just a stupid obsession on my part; not real true love afterall? Does that mean all my life I've been kidding myself?  That is such a scarey prospect.  Would that mean I can't ever have loved anyone really?  Or how can I have fooled myself so completely about being in love?  My true love, I love you.

June 6 Omron scale:  161.6 lbs, 27.7 BMI, 44.6% fat, 22.8% muscle, need 1425 kcal to maintain current weight, 9 visceral fat. -- really need to build up muscle! Measurements:
Bust 44"
Rib 34"
Waist 36.5"
Hips 40"
Bicep 13" right
Thigh 22.25"right

Marriage

This morning my home scale says I weigh 163.5 lbs. 

Copied below is a shocking article from Discovery Science in its overtly misogynistic, sexist attitude. This same study could have been analyzed in a more balanced way; and yet it is healthier to be slim.  It does take conscious effort to be slim, the food, drug, and medical industries as well as city planning often doesn't help.  So while I don't like fear-mongering, I do advocate taking the higher path, resisting the urge to give in.  Staying slim is worth wholesome effort.  If my true love has a BMI of ~20.68 then I should weigh less than 121 in order to have a lower BMI than him; which is my goal anyway.   

Thinner Wife Makes Happier Marriage.
Analysis by Benjamin Radford July 25, 2011.

Marriages are happier when wives are thinner than their husbands, according to a new study (first published January 10, 2011).  Researchers at the University of Tennessee studied the BMI (body mass index, a common measure of obesity) of nearly 170 newlywed couples, along with marital satisfaction over time.

Andrea Meltzer, the lead author and a doctoral candidate at UT, told Discovery News that "We found this effect initially on husbands' satisfaction at the beginning of marriage... husbands were more satisfied at the time of marriage to the extent that their wives had a lower BMI than themselves."

The fact that men tend to be happier with a thinner wife may not be surprising, but Meltzer and her colleagues also found that women who had a lower BMI than their husbands were significantly more satisfied with their marriage over time.  Thinner wives make both spouses happier.

"Wive are happier to the extent that their husbands are happy," Meltzer explained.  "If we were looking at another quality that was more important to women than men -- say , economic resources -- we might see opposite effects.  Women might be more satisfied to the extent that their partners are making more money than they are."

"This study is important because it demonstrates that women of any size can be happy in their relationship with the right partner.  It's not necessarily striving for thinnes per se, but striving to be thinner than their partner," Meltzer said.

Thus overweight or obese women (which, statistically, is the majority of women in America) seeking a a happy marriage choose a heavier husband, or else choose an average-weight partner and lose enough weight that they are thinner by comparison.

Body size is only one of many factors that contribute to overall marriage satisfaction, though it does seem to be important to both men and women.

The preference for thinner partners goes both ways, of course.  It's not just guys looking for a thin girlfriend or wife:  Studies show that both men and women across the board express a strong preference for thinner partners.  Another possible factor behind the findings (besides attractiveness) is that marital satisfaction is also correlated with partner health.

"Couples are more satisfied to the extent that their partner is healthy," Meltzer noted.  Thinner women will, on average, be healthier than overweight or obese ones, thus improving the marriage for both partners.  The study was published in the July issue of Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Divorce

Well I've been meaning to write more about divorce.  I'm still torn about it; about whether I believe anyone should ever get divorced.   I mean I do really believe in it, but part of me fights that, part of me thinks in black & white divorce is WRONG. Its been going on now since I first filed in October 2010.  We had divorce court at the end of March 2012; now we're waiting for the judge to make his ruling.

Once a week I notice I'm having emotional binge days, where I eat off program, too much, out of emotional upset.  This is since I've started tracking everything I eat when joining Weight Watchers.  Tracking what I eat has been useful.  I didn't realize I had eating binges so often still.  I thought they were minimized, but I can see they are still a regular part of my pattern.

Facing the impending divorce is having to face my panic about the future and that is partly what is feeding the emotional binges.   But I've made an appointment to talk to a counselor, so she hopefully will help me make plans for my future to alleviate some of that panic.  I see her this upcoming week, I'm looking forward to that.  I hope she helps and doesn't hurt.

The last time I talked to a counselor it was to get advice on how to make my marriage work but the counselor said almost from the first day I should divorce, and my husband never came to any of the marriage counseling sessions anyway so I just quit going, and eventually, half a year later took her advice too.  That's still bad advice though, for her to have an opinion about something so very personal and intimate.  I wanted her to help me decide, not for her to express an opinion. I still resent that and think it was wrong of her.

On Thursday my husband suggested we stay together.  Even though the idea is ludicrous, its partly attractive to me too.  Facing the future alone, it looks so desolate to me.  Its hard to stay positive when I'm so panicked and scared.  So we'll see what the future brings.  Writing this post is so emotionally hard that all I want to do is sleep.  Just sleep to escape the pain of thinking about all of this.

Good luck to all facing difficulties.  Try to always see and focus on the positive.