Spell

I'm going to try to write a spell for what I'm looking for in a man, then do a ritual and see what happens.

Dear God,

What I'm looking for in a husband, please bring a man to me who is the one you wish for me, and bring me to him, as the one you wish for him. Please consider my wishes as well as his:

1. I wish for a married relationship in this lifetime with this man you choose, who is stronger and better than anyone I've ever known.

2. I wish for a positive, growing relationship with my husband that you choose for me, and for him, and our community as well.  A relationship that makes each of us stronger and better people as a couple than either of us could have been as singles.

3. I wish for our relationship to be one where we feel strong commitment to each other, where we give to each other freely with no strings attached , and by doing so win the heart of each other.

4. I wish for our relationship to endure throughout our lives growing stronger and more committed, more loving, caring, and adoring with each passing day.

5. Prepare each of us for a relationship with each other, then please bring us together when the time is right, and show us how we are good for each other, so we rush to each other recognizing that we are meant for each other.

6. I wish our relationship to me monogamous and living in the same home so that we can enjoy erotic and romantic interludes with each other that are frequent and deeply satisfying.

7. I wish our relationship is one of deep respect, honesty, and ever deepening love.

8.  Thank you god for making me the perfect rose for him, and he the perfect rose for me.  That I am the yin to his yang.  Thank you god for us coming to each other out of our seperate need for each other to scratch the other's itch.   The perfect mobius strip that is love.

9. Thank you god for making him a financially conservative man, who values stability as a basis for a very creative life.

10. Thank you god for making him a man who is natural leader in a calm, loving and generous way, allowing me to express my real nature, to be the one he adores and cherishes with all of his heart, just as I do him.  Where we live to please each other, and help our family, friends and neighbors generously.

Thank you God for manifesting my husband and our relationship in this lifetime.  Amen.

Chance

Virgin Mary at St Mary's Stanwell.

Prayer: Oh most beautiful flower of Mt Carmel, fruit wine splendorous of Heaven, Blessed Mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in my necessity.  Oh Star of the Sea.  Help me and show me herein you are my mother.  Oh Holy Mother, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth, I humbly beseech you from the bottom of my heart to succor me in my necessity.  There is none that can withstand your power.  Oh show me here you are my Mother.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Thank you for mercy towards me and mine.  Amen.

I feel so frustrated.  When am I going to be single again?  Single.  To look forward to what?  I don't know why I'm looking forward to being single, when I did love being married for a little while.

My husband spurned me, and I had given up hope for our relationship. I only had hope that if I survived him then I might be able to enjoy a few years alone, satisfied that at least I'd kept my vow of marriage to him.

Then I went to a reunion and felt physical memories in my body and hope began to stir up that the one who I have always loved, might care for me too.  So after much soul searching I gathered up the courage to file for divorce.

At last, we had our day in court and usually the judge makes a ruling within a few months, but we are still waiting. This whole process is taking an unusually long time.

The one who I have always loved, the one I refer to as my one pure true love, moved on to someone new while I am still sitting here in a purgatory.  So when the divorce does become final I have little in this world to look forward to, apart from just living out my days in a thinner body.

I do love having a slimmer body, it makes me feel like a human being again.

But my truth is that for him, my one pure true love, there was little risk for him, apart from his heart.  For me, who has so little security now, there was the risk of my heart, but also any financial security I have (health insurance, pension, low expenses), as well as losing the supportive base of family and friends.  So I did have more to lose, more to win too yes, but if I didn't win his devotion then I would have lost everything.  I told him I needed 2 years, but he stopped seeing me after one year.

Did I make the smarter choice by not gambling, by not quiting my job and moving closer to him?  Except that I didn't give myself a chance to win the greatest prize of all.  And yet if the one who I love really trusted me, should he have waited for me longer, and cared more about my security too?  I told him I'd need 2 years, but he gave me one, told me to stay away, then did wait 2 years before dating someone new.

And yet, I am left wondering what I did not give to him, that he would move on from me?  What did he need that I did not give him? I worry that he needed the reassurance that I loved and trusted him in the form of physical affection.  But I had so little confidence to begin with and then was subjected to continual heavy demands on my behaviour, that I don't think I had anything to give him, then.  I am in a much stronger place, I have it now to give to him, and only him.

We lacked enough trust in each other, didn't we?

p.s. I'm so desperately sad.  I have to do something to feel better, so I went shopping at my favorite second hand shop and bought 2 new skirts.  Guess what size they are?  Size 8!!  and size 4!!!!  --granted the size 4 skirt is made of stretchy lycra denim fabric, but holy moley that skirt is sexy. 

My one pure true love, I'm doing this all for you. You're missing out on all this.  I'm starting to look pretty good.  Please come back to me.

Miss

St Jude Thaddeus the Apostle

Prayer:  Saint Jude, we have problems in our relationship. Beg Almighty God to give us the light to see ourselves and each other as we really are. Help us to grow daily in self-knowledge and mutual love, while at the same time developing our potential to love and be loved. Help us, Saint Jude, to see and root out every manifestation of selfishness, vanity, and childish self-seeking -- those hidden enemies of love and maturity. Show us that by learning to love and being filled with love, we may complement and nurture each other as we share our lives together.  Amen.

Well for the third time in my life I've lost my appetite, and can't sleep at night.  The same cause each time.  The first time my true love broke up with me, the second time my true love moved away from me and we were apart for 25 years, now this time my true love stopped waiting for my divorce to become final to instead start dating someone he just met.

Since Wednesday I can't eat, I can't sleep.  I had large bowl of Irish oats and fruit for breakfast, 1/2 a cupcake for lunch and then I found out my true love started dating someone else.

 Even with that much food, I lost 4 pounds over night!!!! I went from 154 lbs on Wednesday to 150.5 lbs on Thursday.  And so far its stayed off, I imagine I might have lost a little more since then too but I didn't weigh myself today.

The Weight Watchers site already warns me about losing weight too quickly.  I'm glad to be losing weight though.  I just wish I could sleep.  I don't know what to do.  And today I did something that was more impetuous than well thought out.  I hate that -- it makes me feel a little crazy.  I'm fine really.  I just miss him so much.

Miss him.  And just as I dated my husband while he was still married; the man who recently struck at my heart is not my husband; this time I am married and he's who I'd like to be dating.  I am a Mrs wishing to be a Miss, but instead I'm amiss, missing my pure true love.

To calm down and sleep I prayed to St Jude and then watched on-line dharma talks of Thich Naht Hahn.  He gives the best, gentlest, easy to remember mindfulness practices and mantras.  To love and be there meditation.  1. Recognize his or her presence.  2. Learn two mantras: (breathe in) "Darling I'm here for you." (breathe out) "Darling I know you are there and I'm so happy."

p.s. Official July 17 Weight Watchers weigh-in 151.6 lbs -- which means I'm almost one month ahead of my 6-month goals.   Omron scale 150.8 lbs, 25.7 BMI, 42% body fat, 23.4% muscle, need 1380 kcals to maintain weight, visceral fat is 8.  Homescale July 16=149 lbs, July 17=149.5 lbs, July 18=150.5 lbs, July 19=149 lbs, July 20=151 lbs, July 23=148.5 lbs. Measurements:
Bust 41.5"
Rib 32.5"
Waist 36"
Hips 39.5"
Bicep 12.25"right
Thigh 20.5"right.