Steele

As promised, I've seen 50 Shades and was very confused by it, at first.  I have NOT read the books, so wasn't sure what to expect.  The story is of a 4.0 gpa grad student with the name Ana Steele.  "Pro-ana" is the phrase for pro anorexia, so I am wondering if the author chose the name to suggest that the main character might have anorexic tendencies of needing a lot of control in her life.  Steele suggests a steel carbine knife blade, strong as steel, used for cutting.

Anastasia meets a very rich and attractive business magnate (I hear the lyric "You are a magnet, and I am steel" playing in my imagination) and though she feels intimidated by him, he is intrigued by her obvious attraction to him.  He thinks he reads people well, but I think she intrigues him specifically because she beguiles him.

He courts her, he swoops her up like a true Dominant would, to protect her from putting herself at risk, ie. being drunk in a public bar.  When she wakes up the next morning in his bedroom he warns her with the sexiest line in the movie, "If you were mine, you wouldn't sit down for a week..."  Later he takes her on date flying her in his helicopter. Ok . . . so we know he is rich, attractive, man who literally can fly, he is so free and self-determined that he can fly, and oh yes, he's a Dominant who likes to protect and spank naughty girls.

If Ana wants to date him she is asked to sign a contract that identifies her as his submissive and lists rules and regulations she should follow or punishment will be earned.  Spoiler alert:  she does not sign the contract, but they continue to play anyway; and she submits to him spanking her even though she does not get turned on by it.

Christian Grey's name suggests that he is in need of redemption, of forgiveness for sins that are hidden, murky and grey.

I couldn't figure out what was going on this movie. Why was she in a relationship with him when she is obviously not into kinky fuckery herself, she is only doing it to stay with him?  Then I realize she is him, except she is a woman.  And women have been the chattel or possession of men for 1000s of years and only recently in the west have women the choice to be completely emancipated.  And Ana is emancipated, she is in complete control of herself and will not accept life on anyone else's terms but her own.  With very few women in history who have had the opportunity to be self-determined she is forging ahead and creating her own version of a free woman.  She is attracted to Christian's freedom she wants it for herself and she refuses to sign his contract naming her as submissive.  She is her own woman.

And that ladies, and gentlemen, is how I was able to make sense of the movie, 50 Shades of Grey.

Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie is opening tomorrow night.  I want to see that movie.  The trailer looks funny and sexy.   I think a lot of the trouble in the world of relationships comes from people not being honest about what really turns them on, and being afraid to play.

I recently watched the 2 Ted Talks by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love; they were so relevant.  In one she discussed the relationship between art and mysticism.  In the other she mentioned how women have been chattel of men for 1000s of years, and only recently have we become free.  We have no historic examples of free women to model ourselves after, we are creating our lives unfettered from old models.  Actually she said it, as if that was a bad thing, having no examples of free women to take advice from; but I'm choosing to see that it is an exciting birth too, the birth of the free woman after 1000s of years of servitude.  It's remarkable, and that realization is due entirely to Elizabeth Gilbert.

So I can choose to be romantically involved with a dominant man, I being a submissive woman, but by choice rather than the role being forced upon me.  It's wonderful.

That's what I see as the excitement behind  Fifty Shades of Grey the trilogy and the movie.  I've not read the books nor seen the film yet, but that is what I suspect is behind the excitement.

So we'll see. . . I hope to update this blog after I've seen the provocative film.

Sisterhood

I remembered recently that when I was slim, it was almost as if I discovered a secret sisterhood among slim women.  It was thrilling to be accepted in that gentle, closeted herd.  I remember scouring a gas station mart for some snacks that were natural, fresh fruit or anything that would not contribute to weight gain.

I brought my bottle of water and banana up to the check out counter to pay for with my purchase of fill her up fuel for the car.  The check out clerk was a very slim woman she smiled and was very friendly.  I was always friendly when I was slim and loved dressing to show off my figure, subtly.

She struck up a conversation with me, sharing a secret.  "I found Kemps Single servings size cups ice cream in a whole bunch of flavors at Walmart.  I like to get one for a treat after working. I love the moose tracks flavor, and cherry fudge. They are about 300 calories."

That put me off. I thought that sounded like a lot of calories at the time, but I loved how she made me feel included in a secret club of women who understood the tricks and shared tips on staying slim.  It really did make me feel pretty, in a special secluded world of pretty women.  I want to be able to gain entry into the world again. And I want to let other women into the secret world too, just like the girl at the gas station did for me.

It was a striking memory, it made me feel special and grateful. Being slim was a constant struggle of looking for the few choices of healthy food that I could find where ever I went.  There were always just a few choices, sometimes only 1 or 2.  A bottle of water is usually available everywhere.  After that it's a matter of finding the least damaging choice. 

Stable

Still trying to heal from the loss of First Love.  Within the first year of dating he wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him too but I was afraid, naturally, of something new; additionally I was under the very strong belief that my mom wished for me to never marry, never have children, and to pursue a fulfilling career instead.  In the past 3 years I asked her if my perception back then was correct and she vehemently confirmed yes, that is exactly how she felt.

When First Love asked me to marry him I said yes, in my own mind I'd committed myself to him  within the first month of dating when he told me how he'd dated several girls and pleaded with  me to never break up with him and I agreed.  By the time he asked me to marry him, I was still shocked by his request, but I dearly wanted to be married to him and have lots of babies with him.  We had things mapped out.  His dad wanted him to take over the family business but he wanted to be an English high school teacher or English college professor.  I wanted to live in a house in the country near our families, in an old farm house and have babies and be a stay at home mom.  Watch the babies grow and teach me what is truely important, garden and cook and clean the house, that is what I most wanted to do in the world.  Work at the library when the children were bigger.

My hoped for family: First Love, Sebastian, Zoe, me, Clara.

I strongly wanted to have babies with First Love.  I didn't have many friends in my hometown, and expected I would have to leave the city or the country before I'd meet anyone who understood me.  When First Love loved me, it was so remarkable to me, the impossible happened, finally someone who wasn't my own family was able to love me.  It was a miracle.  My attraction to him was so strong, I wanted to have babies with him so strongly.

When First Love asked me to marry him I said yes, but not until we graduate from college.  I did want to marry him.  In order to marry him I couldn't just go home and say I was going to get married, that would have been too difficult, I needed to work out a way to get out from under the direct influence of my mom.  I thought the excuse of going to college out of town would be a good stealthy way for me to move out on my own in a way my mom would not give trouble.

So we moved out of town to go to college.  But I'd chosen a college in a big city with a lot of crime and I found the move very difficult.  Just learning to live on my own, even with my parents help would have been difficult for me, but moving to a city where there was so many things I needed to learn and navigate just to be physically safe as a woman, it was almost too much for me without the support of family and friends.  And First Love didn't have to worry about personal safety to the same degree that I did as a woman.  Men are physically stronger than women.  As a woman I was brought up to be receptive, gentle, caregiver and was not well prepared to defend myself against attacks.  I depended on others to watch over me and protect me.

First love and I broke up that first year in the bigger city, when I'd grown to love him more deeply than ever.  I wondered about the irony of that.  When I kept a slight emotional distance between us he wanted to marry me, but when I feel in love with him more deeply and started to lean on him a little more then he broke up with me.  I have to admit I didn't treat him as well as I should have the first year we lived in that big city.  He kind of unofficially moved into my bedroom apartment where I did not have a closet but did have a few drawers and didn't share any with him.  Then when he left his clothes in a pile in the room I got mad at him for that.  We both had trouble communicating.

When things finally ended between us, I was completely lost and unprotected in this big, dangerous city.  The years I lived in that city, divided by the number of placed I lived, equalled that I moved more than once a year.  My life was very unsettled.  I didn't consciously choose to be so unsettled but I moved a lot and I think that reflected my unsettled heart when First Love left.  That trend continued up until this day.  I have moved a lot, and when I am settled for a while I move furniture around a lot, trying to work out the most advantageous design.

unsettled heart nest

The point of this blog is to say that I had trouble making a stable place to settle down in, to live in.  My job situation is not the same. There have been only a handful of places where I have worked.  Financial stability has been important to me even though I haven't been very ambitious about earning more money, my income has changed very little since I was young, but the place I reside has changed frequently.

25th smoothie

Didn't make a 25th smoothie.  Sort of, half broke the challenge.  Did drink the rest of the 24th smoothie, so did have a smoothie, just didn't make a new one.

Have been down lately. Really down.  Couldn't figure out why for the longest time.  Kept asking why don't I have the motivation to take better care of myself?

Figured it out today.  I know the reason is because since the divorce I don't make enough money to support myself.  When I was younger and made this much money it was ok because everything was less expensive, but everything is 2-3x more expensive now, and I simply don't make enough money.

It's depressing, and makes me feel very stupid.  Just read an article titled "Why so many PhDs are on food stamps".

But at least, finally, I understand what is bugging me.  Why I felt so down. Maybe I can start taking better care of myself now, now that I can see why I was so disappointed with the decisions I've made in my life, why I don't like myself enough to want to take care of myself, as if I'm punishing myself for not being as good as I wish I was.  It was a self-destructive little mental/emotional train of thought.

16th smoothie

If I were not doing the 30 day smoothie challenge there are at least 3 days I would not have made one. Today was one of those days.  I only made a smoothie to meet the challenge, and I didn't use a recipe, instead just threw in what I have.

1 banana, 1/4 c baby carrots, 1/2 pineapple, juice of 1 orange, 2 celery stalks, 2 c. coconut water.  No ice.

I forgot to add ice until I was done, and then I couldn't be bothered, so its more like a blended juice.  It's salty from the celery and otherwise a few too many flavors to have a very distinct taste.  It's ok but not terrific.

I'm in a real pissy mood though.   Was talking to family about the Ex and dating when you are older and the men I'm dating have children, and so they don't want to re-marry, don't want to put their children's inheiretence in any jeopardy, they just want a woman as a plaything and workhorse I guess, offering nothing but their playtime and work time in return.   I'm in such a pissy mood.

Where I work women who have been working for more than 20 years in secretarial positions earn less than men just entering new as custodians.  Women really have a hard time being able to support themselves without having a man's income to supplement their own.   It pisses me off so much.

I'm sick to death of feeling sorry for everyone else and no one seeming to see or understand what a financial disadvantage it is to be a woman in society, unless you have certain aggressive, male characteristics that allow you to compete with men.  If you are a feminine woman it is difficult.  Women who are single are more likely to be victims of unscrupulous men.  Women who are not very aggressive have a difficult time supporting themselves financially.  Its just pissing me off.

Together

I must let go of the past by looking with optimism towards the future.

I like Joel Osteen the encouraging tv evangelist.  I heard or read him say that people know what they are doing wrong; they come to church to be encouraged that they can change.  And that's why he is so encouraging like the motivational speakers who rally people to sell Amway products, just like the "Ask and It is Given" manifestation couple did to make their first fortune, before "The Secret."

So I want that motivational encouragement from Joel Osteen.  Why?  Because the only way I can think of letting go of the pain of the past is to consciously work on letting go of that pain by simultaneously changing behaviours that are filled with great love.  Treat myself the way I think my nice boyfriend should treat me.  Treat myself better.  Treat myself even better than the way I treat those I love.  To learn how to be loving again.  Loving to myself and loving to others.

In airplanes the stewards remind you that in the case of emergency put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others.  That's because in the case of an emergency hypoxia could set in in a matter of seconds, death within seconds.  There is no way to help anyone else if you are unconscious.  So help yourself first in order to help others.  That's the rule in an emergency situation.

I tended to be grumpy and impatient the past 2 years.  I need to lighten up and laugh more.  I need to be more pleasant with the people I love.  I need to lighten up my heart.

I also needed to look at the reality of eating disorders.  Bringing all that information together led me to see a twist on the "Fat is a Feminist Issue" (published 1978) class issue argument; it seems to me that nowdays fat has become a capitalist issue, a product of our current American consumer society where the few controlling mega-corportations are happy to get us all to eat as much as possible, and to eschew the image of a healthier slim figure.

Physically it is healthier to eat less, even with periods of partial starvation, as long as your weight stays in the normal MBI range.  Once you get down to underweight then it's almost as dangerous as being obese.  It is estimated that less than 1% up to 8-9% of Americans are underweight with a BMI up to 18.5%.  The truth remains that 35-36% of Americans are obese with a BMI greater than 30.  Considering those statistics do not include the 31% of Amrericans are overweight with a BMI of 25-30, leaving less than 1/3, a mere 25% of Americans are in the normal range BMI of 18.5-25,  to my way of thinking overeating is a much bigger problem than the eating disorders that are defined as eating behaviours that exclude overweight and obesity.

Crux

Today is a fresh new start.

To help visualize and motivate myself I am going to have two jars and fill one with one stone or marble for every pound I aim to lose.  As I lose weight I'll move the stones from the before/to go jar to the after/gone jar.

Starting today I'll record my current weight and measurements.  I am going to get down to a sexy, attractive weight again where I feel confident and more valuable.

Even as offensive and superficial as it sounds there is the truth that people remark that women who are thin are in a better league.  "Marry a millionaire" league is something people said in the 50s.   Now it's just commonly stated that a thin woman can get any man she wants, and most men aren't in her same elite league.  There is supposed scientific data to suggest that marriages are happier when the woman is viewed as a more elite league than her husband.  If true, this might be due to sexism, where men in society have stronger egos because they are treated as if they have more value, so when a woman is slim and she then is also treated as if she has more value, this makes the man feel lucky to have her.

Even as conflicted as this paragraph makes me feel to write, when I was slim I had more self confidence. And right or wrong, real or imaginary, self confidence is what I am seeking.   Gaining self confidence is the crux of the issue of weight loss.   And irrelevant to getting a man or anything else, self confidence is what I am seeking by losing weight.  And yes, of course, when I weigh less not only do I feel more self confident but I also do feel healthier.  That is undeniable.

Names

How to be an ally for diversity?  How to be graceful and charming and helpful?  That's my prayer nowdays.  I want to be the embodiment of grace, charm and an ally to those in vulnerable positions.

Bullying can take many forms.  In grade school someone might call someone else a derogatory name.  That is name calling.  Another way to bully is to make fun of people for the choices they make or the choices their parents made or the way they learned to navigate the world. That's cutting close.  I'm going to write about making fun of people's names, which is NOT the same as name-calling.

When a friend started working at the Social Security office she was told "It's very important to spell a person's name correctly.  Some people, all they have in the world is their name."   She took that to heart and passed it along.   It's good advice to remember.  When women  get married or become nuns they change their name.  Our name is so closely tied to our identity.  It's extremely important to treat each other's names with respect.

 

I found myself in a conversation with 2 other people of my race, and one person of another race.  One of the people of my race started making fun of the first names of people he'd heard that sounded exotic to him, names he associated with people of the person sitting with us, who was of another race.

 

I felt so uncomfortable.  The other race person was gracious.  But I was an idiot laughing at everything even though I was hating being there.  It was a situation where I felt vulnerable and both the same race people were way above me in power and influence.  The other race person was sort of in an seperate but also vulnerable class.  I didn't have the courage to say anything in that situation.   I wish I did have the courage but I didn't.   I just sat there scared and uncomfortable and laughed along like a complete idiot.  

 

It took me days to come to graceful solution, of how I should have handled the situation.   I concluded that I should have light-heartedly contributed this, "Isn't it interesting how fashions in names change?  My mom's name is Theodosia which is very uncommon now, but in her homeroom alone, there were 3 other girls with the same name." 

Homescale - 183 lbs.

Marriage

This morning my home scale says I weigh 163.5 lbs. 

Copied below is a shocking article from Discovery Science in its overtly misogynistic, sexist attitude. This same study could have been analyzed in a more balanced way; and yet it is healthier to be slim.  It does take conscious effort to be slim, the food, drug, and medical industries as well as city planning often doesn't help.  So while I don't like fear-mongering, I do advocate taking the higher path, resisting the urge to give in.  Staying slim is worth wholesome effort.  If my true love has a BMI of ~20.68 then I should weigh less than 121 in order to have a lower BMI than him; which is my goal anyway.   

Thinner Wife Makes Happier Marriage.
Analysis by Benjamin Radford July 25, 2011.

Marriages are happier when wives are thinner than their husbands, according to a new study (first published January 10, 2011).  Researchers at the University of Tennessee studied the BMI (body mass index, a common measure of obesity) of nearly 170 newlywed couples, along with marital satisfaction over time.

Andrea Meltzer, the lead author and a doctoral candidate at UT, told Discovery News that "We found this effect initially on husbands' satisfaction at the beginning of marriage... husbands were more satisfied at the time of marriage to the extent that their wives had a lower BMI than themselves."

The fact that men tend to be happier with a thinner wife may not be surprising, but Meltzer and her colleagues also found that women who had a lower BMI than their husbands were significantly more satisfied with their marriage over time.  Thinner wives make both spouses happier.

"Wive are happier to the extent that their husbands are happy," Meltzer explained.  "If we were looking at another quality that was more important to women than men -- say , economic resources -- we might see opposite effects.  Women might be more satisfied to the extent that their partners are making more money than they are."

"This study is important because it demonstrates that women of any size can be happy in their relationship with the right partner.  It's not necessarily striving for thinnes per se, but striving to be thinner than their partner," Meltzer said.

Thus overweight or obese women (which, statistically, is the majority of women in America) seeking a a happy marriage choose a heavier husband, or else choose an average-weight partner and lose enough weight that they are thinner by comparison.

Body size is only one of many factors that contribute to overall marriage satisfaction, though it does seem to be important to both men and women.

The preference for thinner partners goes both ways, of course.  It's not just guys looking for a thin girlfriend or wife:  Studies show that both men and women across the board express a strong preference for thinner partners.  Another possible factor behind the findings (besides attractiveness) is that marital satisfaction is also correlated with partner health.

"Couples are more satisfied to the extent that their partner is healthy," Meltzer noted.  Thinner women will, on average, be healthier than overweight or obese ones, thus improving the marriage for both partners.  The study was published in the July issue of Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Scales

I like the title of this post, it reminds of a quote from the movie Bridget Jones' Diary.  Wendy--"Yes why is it there are so many unmarried women's in their thirties these days, Bridget?"  Bridget--"Well I don't know. I suppose it doesn't help that underneath our clothes our entire bodies are covered in scales."

So covered in scales, metaphorically that is true, isn't it?  Women in the west where food is plentiful and manual labor is considered lower class and therefore usually does not pay well nor have good insurance and pension benefits, its easy to become plump and then the scale we weigh ourselves on can become an obsession of measuring whether we are too plump or not.  So without trying to change the social, monetary and political order of things, how to deal with that obsession?

One way to deal with an obsession with the scale, is how I did in the past.  I stopped worrying about it.  In fact, I didn't stop thinking about it but did  stop using it.  However just like not balancing your checkbook doesn't help you to stop overspending, hiding from the scale didn't help me maintain a healthy weight.

Now I want to reach and maintain a healthy weight.  So I've decided I will try every trick I can think of to do that.  I do use the scale to help measure my weight loss and importantly to help set goals.  I combine the scale with other ways of measuring success too.  Now that I am firmly in the overweight category, I think I can brave taking my measurements and compare them to clothing size charts then set goals by clothing size.

Another way of trying to motivate myself is by visualizing myself slim.  Trying to imagine how it feels to move around in a slim body. How it looks to wear small size clothes.  What it looks, feels, sounds, smells and tastes like to be slim.

Wish me good luck.

Junior sizes:

Junior sizes

5'4"–5'5" (162.5–165 cm) tall, higher bust, shorter back
Dimension/Size	00	0	1	3	5	7	9	11	13	15	17	18
Bust	30	31	32	33	34	35	36	37½	39	41	43	45
Waist	22	23	24	25	26	27	28	29½	31	33	35	37
Hips	32	33	34	35	36	37	38	39½	41	43	45	47
Back-waist length	13¾	14	14½	14¾	15	15¼	15½	15¾	16	16¼	16½	16¾

Misses's sizes:

Misses’ sizes

5'5"–5'6" (165–168 cm) tall, average bust, average back
Dimension/Size	2	4	6	8	10	12	14	16	018	20
Bust	32-34	34	34	35	36	37½	39	40½	42	44
Waist	22-24½	25½	26½	27½	28½	30	31½	33	34½	36½
Hip	33-35½	36½	37½	38½	39½	41	42½	44	45½	47½
Back-waist length	14½	14¾	15½	15¾	16	16¼	16½	16¾	17	17¼

Women's Plus sizes:

Women’s sizes

5'5"–5'6" (165–168 cm) tall, average bust, average back
Dimension/Size	38 (16W)	40 (18W)	42 (20W)	44 (22W)	46 (24W)	48 (26W)	50 (28W)
Bust	42	44	46	48	50	52	54
Waist	35	37	39	41½	44	46½	49
Hip	44	46	48	50	52	54	56
Back-waist length	17¼	17⅜	17½	17⅝	17¾	17⅞	18

Fat is a Feminist Issue

I consider myself a feminist; I value issues regarding gender equality in society.

I have not read the book Fat is a Feminist Issue, but I agree with the title statement. The suggestion that when people are thinking about personal issues, such as how to manage their weight, it will distract them from working collectively towards finding ways of redressing unequal treatment in society is an interesting theory.

Its undeniable that our presence on earth causes reactions from others; its harder for me to judge whether we are treated fairly or not based on the circumstances of our presence. But I believe that a struggle for influence is what's behind the desire to be considered beautiful. In America women want to lose fat weight and men want to gain muscle weight; in order to have glamour influence over people.

In Britain I learned it is just as important to men to be slim as it is for women. Men bragged when they moved to a smaller notch on their belt.  Even more bragging when they had to make a new hole through the belt for the smaller waistline.  Someone once explained to me that men in Britain aren't the same as in America, they like to be slim in Britain I was told.  That's when I realized fat isn't a feminist issue, Fat is a Class Issue.

When it comes right down to it, I might not ever want to be as slim as I'd need to be to consider myself very attractive.

When I'm researching on-line the really slim girls who blog about weight control, they really do eat between 500-1200 calories a day and still have to exercise a lot too, and they have bowel movements (sorry for being so crude) once every five days or so - that's uncomfortable.

Since high school I felt most comfortable when I was 130 lbs, but right on that edge because when I'd weigh less than that I'd be hungry all the time and cold all the time. I hated being cold all the time. If I weighed more then I felt too fat.

So when I get closer to that weight I'll be able to judge better but that's what I'm thinking about. It might be that I was simply dehydrated back then, I learned only in recent years how important water is to a person to function well. I do know that the less I weigh, the more careful I'll have to be to keep all the balances in check.

Fat on a body, not excessive fat, but a little fat provides a cushion of grace. The body doesn't react so immediately and strongly to every little thing I do or don't put into it.

So when I get closer to 130 pounds, I'll keep reassessing what I'd like my goal weight to be.

Regarding issues of equality, whether gender or class, I'll discuss that more in future posts also.