Still trying to heal from the loss of First Love. Within the first year of dating he wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him too but I was afraid, naturally, of something new; additionally I was under the very strong belief that my mom wished for me to never marry, never have children, and to pursue a fulfilling career instead. In the past 3 years I asked her if my perception back then was correct and she vehemently confirmed yes, that is exactly how she felt.
When First Love asked me to marry him I said yes, in my own mind I'd committed myself to him within the first month of dating when he told me how he'd dated several girls and pleaded with me to never break up with him and I agreed. By the time he asked me to marry him, I was still shocked by his request, but I dearly wanted to be married to him and have lots of babies with him. We had things mapped out. His dad wanted him to take over the family business but he wanted to be an English high school teacher or English college professor. I wanted to live in a house in the country near our families, in an old farm house and have babies and be a stay at home mom. Watch the babies grow and teach me what is truely important, garden and cook and clean the house, that is what I most wanted to do in the world. Work at the library when the children were bigger.
I strongly wanted to have babies with First Love. I didn't have many friends in my hometown, and expected I would have to leave the city or the country before I'd meet anyone who understood me. When First Love loved me, it was so remarkable to me, the impossible happened, finally someone who wasn't my own family was able to love me. It was a miracle. My attraction to him was so strong, I wanted to have babies with him so strongly.
When First Love asked me to marry him I said yes, but not until we graduate from college. I did want to marry him. In order to marry him I couldn't just go home and say I was going to get married, that would have been too difficult, I needed to work out a way to get out from under the direct influence of my mom. I thought the excuse of going to college out of town would be a good stealthy way for me to move out on my own in a way my mom would not give trouble.
So we moved out of town to go to college. But I'd chosen a college in a big city with a lot of crime and I found the move very difficult. Just learning to live on my own, even with my parents help would have been difficult for me, but moving to a city where there was so many things I needed to learn and navigate just to be physically safe as a woman, it was almost too much for me without the support of family and friends. And First Love didn't have to worry about personal safety to the same degree that I did as a woman. Men are physically stronger than women. As a woman I was brought up to be receptive, gentle, caregiver and was not well prepared to defend myself against attacks. I depended on others to watch over me and protect me.
First love and I broke up that first year in the bigger city, when I'd grown to love him more deeply than ever. I wondered about the irony of that. When I kept a slight emotional distance between us he wanted to marry me, but when I feel in love with him more deeply and started to lean on him a little more then he broke up with me. I have to admit I didn't treat him as well as I should have the first year we lived in that big city. He kind of unofficially moved into my bedroom apartment where I did not have a closet but did have a few drawers and didn't share any with him. Then when he left his clothes in a pile in the room I got mad at him for that. We both had trouble communicating.
When things finally ended between us, I was completely lost and unprotected in this big, dangerous city. The years I lived in that city, divided by the number of placed I lived, equalled that I moved more than once a year. My life was very unsettled. I didn't consciously choose to be so unsettled but I moved a lot and I think that reflected my unsettled heart when First Love left. That trend continued up until this day. I have moved a lot, and when I am settled for a while I move furniture around a lot, trying to work out the most advantageous design.
The point of this blog is to say that I had trouble making a stable place to settle down in, to live in. My job situation is not the same. There have been only a handful of places where I have worked. Financial stability has been important to me even though I haven't been very ambitious about earning more money, my income has changed very little since I was young, but the place I reside has changed frequently.
When First Love asked me to marry him I said yes, in my own mind I'd committed myself to him within the first month of dating when he told me how he'd dated several girls and pleaded with me to never break up with him and I agreed. By the time he asked me to marry him, I was still shocked by his request, but I dearly wanted to be married to him and have lots of babies with him. We had things mapped out. His dad wanted him to take over the family business but he wanted to be an English high school teacher or English college professor. I wanted to live in a house in the country near our families, in an old farm house and have babies and be a stay at home mom. Watch the babies grow and teach me what is truely important, garden and cook and clean the house, that is what I most wanted to do in the world. Work at the library when the children were bigger.
My hoped for family: First Love, Sebastian, Zoe, me, Clara.
I strongly wanted to have babies with First Love. I didn't have many friends in my hometown, and expected I would have to leave the city or the country before I'd meet anyone who understood me. When First Love loved me, it was so remarkable to me, the impossible happened, finally someone who wasn't my own family was able to love me. It was a miracle. My attraction to him was so strong, I wanted to have babies with him so strongly.
When First Love asked me to marry him I said yes, but not until we graduate from college. I did want to marry him. In order to marry him I couldn't just go home and say I was going to get married, that would have been too difficult, I needed to work out a way to get out from under the direct influence of my mom. I thought the excuse of going to college out of town would be a good stealthy way for me to move out on my own in a way my mom would not give trouble.
So we moved out of town to go to college. But I'd chosen a college in a big city with a lot of crime and I found the move very difficult. Just learning to live on my own, even with my parents help would have been difficult for me, but moving to a city where there was so many things I needed to learn and navigate just to be physically safe as a woman, it was almost too much for me without the support of family and friends. And First Love didn't have to worry about personal safety to the same degree that I did as a woman. Men are physically stronger than women. As a woman I was brought up to be receptive, gentle, caregiver and was not well prepared to defend myself against attacks. I depended on others to watch over me and protect me.
First love and I broke up that first year in the bigger city, when I'd grown to love him more deeply than ever. I wondered about the irony of that. When I kept a slight emotional distance between us he wanted to marry me, but when I feel in love with him more deeply and started to lean on him a little more then he broke up with me. I have to admit I didn't treat him as well as I should have the first year we lived in that big city. He kind of unofficially moved into my bedroom apartment where I did not have a closet but did have a few drawers and didn't share any with him. Then when he left his clothes in a pile in the room I got mad at him for that. We both had trouble communicating.
When things finally ended between us, I was completely lost and unprotected in this big, dangerous city. The years I lived in that city, divided by the number of placed I lived, equalled that I moved more than once a year. My life was very unsettled. I didn't consciously choose to be so unsettled but I moved a lot and I think that reflected my unsettled heart when First Love left. That trend continued up until this day. I have moved a lot, and when I am settled for a while I move furniture around a lot, trying to work out the most advantageous design.
unsettled heart nest
The point of this blog is to say that I had trouble making a stable place to settle down in, to live in. My job situation is not the same. There have been only a handful of places where I have worked. Financial stability has been important to me even though I haven't been very ambitious about earning more money, my income has changed very little since I was young, but the place I reside has changed frequently.
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