Ghosts

I've been talking to ghosts all day.  Imagining conversations with First Love, his current wife's late dad, and First Love's Child.

First Love told me how angry he was at me, that it was based on how angry he still is at his alcoholic dad, that his dad is the first person to make him feel unloved and worthless,  but still how he's so furious that I betrayed and rejected him too.  I tried to explain I didn't see what I did as betrayal or rejection of him, but then I realized it was futile to explain anything.  I tried to explain that anything I did to him I did to myself too, and hurt myself more than he is hurt.  He told me I need to stop defending myself to feel his pain and rage.  I admit that is hard for me to do.

His rage was so strong, and he did not relent in any way.   I kept saying I was sorry, and that I loved him despite everything.  He kept spewing his angry hate at me.  Telling me how I betrayed and rejected him so he wanted to see me suffer forever for doing that to him.  There was no reasoning with him, his anger was so livid.

I thought he really cannot love me to hate me so much.  I thought my relationship with him was unhealthy just like it was for Ex.   That he is just too selfish to ever think of anyone but himself.  I don't know if that is true.  I only know that my love is still strong for him, even despite everything.

So I ended up just praying to god for the blessing that I learn what I need to learn from this, and asking for some relief from the aching pain I feel from losing First Love.   But god said that aching was important for me to understand and feel everyday of my life.  That it was there to teach me.  So I have to accept it.

I asked god to please let me move on from it, and god just repeated that I need to accommodate it in this lifetime.  The feeling of loving First Love is still strong, and I can't seem to loosen it.  I feel it in my left fallopian tube when it is strongest.  I did love you First Love, I still love you, even though you hate me and want to see me tortured by your serial rejections.

I saw how First Love's anger left a string of pain in his life.  Leaving no room for anyone to love him, because he still loves me and hates me, and that's all there is room for.

I spoke to his current wife's late dad, and he said they are not doing well.  She is in love with someone she used to know too.  They are both in love with other people, and neither of them has room to love anyone else.   He said their marriage is likely to end within 3 years, except that First Love has ensconced himself in her family and life, and he's unlikely to have the strength to leave that.  The only way he will get out of that relationship is if his current wife thrusts him out very forcefully.

His current wife's late dad didn't tell me what lesson was to be learned either.  Just matter of factly told me what is going on.  They don't like each other, and certainly don't love each other, but they are trying to need each other.  It sounds very sad.  He said it is up to them what happens, their will be done.

So the lesson I have to learn is that unrequited love that I feel daily, minute by minute, it is something that simply has to be endured for the time being.  Maybe once I understand it's value, beyond allowing me to empathize with the other creatures on Earth, then maybe I'll be able to let it go.  So I suppose I'd better think about that more now.  I mustn't just forget it.  I must figure out the lesson.

And I must try very hard to open my heart anew to the world and to the possibility of new love.