Woke up with a bad headache. Have been more unwell lately which is something that accompanies being overweight. When I had the cold all I ate was saltines with butter and diet cola. Of course I gained weight.
I don't want to weigh myself because I'm afraid I weigh over 200 lbs, but I had to buy new pants in size 16. So I started to be careful again.
I sometimes do feel uncomfortable in my body due to my bulk and just the general sense of feeling unwell that comes with being overweight, so I shall start weighing myself every day and taking my measurements occasionally, that has always worked well to motivate me to stay on track.
I will be working more hours in future too, so I need to establish really good habits before that starts. I really, really, really want to be slim and attractive again. The only thing that feels better than being slim and attractive is when people who love you admire you for being slim and attractive too.
I've been really angry at First Love lately. Just furiously, almost hating him kind of anger. It's as if I want to have him near me so that I could express my anger face to face, day by day.
I felt that way with the Ex near the end too. I wanted him around so that I could show him how angry I felt towards him; so I could argue, express my anger, and also ignore him, have him there to witness and feel the wrath of my anger.
I know that isn't nice of me. I do pray to get over it because I feel guilty about it too, but part of me knows I'll get over it soon enough and so allow myself the grace to feel through all those angry emotions.
I talk to First Love's wife's late dad in my imagination and tell him I'm sorry that I want his daughter to be miserable with First Love, but I do. I want them both to be completely and utterly miserable with each other.
I tell myself if I really loved him I would want the best for him, and back when he first did this to me the first time, I did have those feelings very genuinely and sincerely. This second time I just have anger and wanting to see him feel as lousy as I do. It's mean of me. It does me no good.
I know (hope) I'll get over it soon enough but that's what I'm experiencing right now.
I don't want to weigh myself because I'm afraid I weigh over 200 lbs, but I had to buy new pants in size 16. So I started to be careful again.
I sometimes do feel uncomfortable in my body due to my bulk and just the general sense of feeling unwell that comes with being overweight, so I shall start weighing myself every day and taking my measurements occasionally, that has always worked well to motivate me to stay on track.
I will be working more hours in future too, so I need to establish really good habits before that starts. I really, really, really want to be slim and attractive again. The only thing that feels better than being slim and attractive is when people who love you admire you for being slim and attractive too.
I felt that way with the Ex near the end too. I wanted him around so that I could show him how angry I felt towards him; so I could argue, express my anger, and also ignore him, have him there to witness and feel the wrath of my anger.
I know that isn't nice of me. I do pray to get over it because I feel guilty about it too, but part of me knows I'll get over it soon enough and so allow myself the grace to feel through all those angry emotions.
I talk to First Love's wife's late dad in my imagination and tell him I'm sorry that I want his daughter to be miserable with First Love, but I do. I want them both to be completely and utterly miserable with each other.
I tell myself if I really loved him I would want the best for him, and back when he first did this to me the first time, I did have those feelings very genuinely and sincerely. This second time I just have anger and wanting to see him feel as lousy as I do. It's mean of me. It does me no good.
I know (hope) I'll get over it soon enough but that's what I'm experiencing right now.
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