Resist

Ok now that the big project at work is done.  Now that I've been able to find an in-road towards feeling some calm when I'm so furiously angry about my true love.  Now that I looked at photos of my figure.  Now I can see I need to make a plan for specific body toning, to help rid fat and tone muscle and just feel better about myself generally.

Motto:  "Take the body and the mind will follow."

So I need to work out.  I need a work out plan.  Where, when, what.  I don't care what I do to start, it will inevitably change anyway.  I just need to start.  Now.  Today.

My true love advised that I do sit-ups and push-ups.  What is smart about those choices is that I can do them anywhere, anytime.  So that is where I'll start.  Weight resistence exercises using my own weight, and maybe get a new set of hand weights too.

Another woman I know who is very fit suggested hand weights because then you are fully working each arm.  So I bought 4-lb hand weights and have yet to devise a plan.  Every other day weight resistence, alternated with cardio, combined with every day stretching.  Six days on, one day off.

Pearl

I am intentionally trying to cultivate grace.  I'm sure you've seen it in action, so you know what I mean.  When you meet someone who just has so much faith in god that they just believe or know or have just so regularly attributed all to an interventionist god that whatever happens to them, good or ill, they just accept it with serenity and believe it is all god's will.

The sort of people who swim half way between the material world and the spiritual world.  That is what I'm trying to cultivate, that serenity, that faith.

It's more than just serenity, though isn't it?  It's almost as if they believe god is on their side, watching out for them, and protecting them.  As if they are dancing in the palm of god.

Well whatever it is they have, I want to have it too.  So I'm trying to cultivate it somehow.  By choosing to attribute everything to god, and choosing to believe it all has meaning for me. As if the world has been almost designed for my edification, for my nurturance, for my benefit, personally.

There is a song in Dutch by Gerald Troost called "Een parel" that has been very calming to me even before I translated the lyrics.  The lyrics are actually a little embarrassing but I still like the song.   The deeper meaning goes along with the Buddhist idea of "one bright pearl" and the biblical scriptures:  "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." -Isaiah 41:10.  "See! I will not forget you.  I have carved you on the palm of my hand."  -Isaiah 49:15.

Een Parel (akoestisch) by Gerald Troost

You sit here alone
No man around you.
And the fear prevails
When you think about who you are
and who you'll ever have.

And nobody sees
your pain and sorrow.
And no man can give you
a purpose in your life.
Oh loneliness.

You are shouting to a friend
that you really understand.
Longs for a god who
frees your soul.
And in your dark night sounds
a voice very soft . . . .

You are a miracle.
You are special.
You are a jewel in god's hands.
He gives you love
which you desire.

Through all your tears,
He never leaves you alone.
Give him the space
in your pain.
He wants to be a father
for you.
You're a Pearl.

I kind of like this blog entry, its not perfect but its good.  Wrapt in her wings.  I don't wish for visions, that's the opposite of what I want. All I'm looking for really is some way to not go mad.  The turn of events is almost too much for me to accept, I keep hoping it will turn back to the way it was in 2011, because if not, I'm afraid its almost too much for me.

I'm frustrated that my weight is not going down as fast as I'd like.  So what does this mean?  I think it means that I need to eat more vegetables and fruit, and less dairy and processed foods.  I think it also means I really NEED to start doing weight resistance exercise.

This past week my weight has been as low as 155.5 and 156.5 but today my official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 157.2 lbs. REACHED -10%!!!!  The home scale weight is 157.5.   The omron scale weight is 158 lbs, 27.1 BMI, 43.1% body fat, 23.5% muscle, I need 1411 kcal to maintain this weight, visceral fat is 8.  Measurements are:
Bust 42.5"
Rib  34.75"
Waist  36.5"
Hips  39.5"
Bicep 12.75"right
Thigh 21.5"right

p.s. July 4 homescale 155 lbs, July 5 = 155 lbs, July 6 = 155.5 lbs, July 7 = 155 lbs, July 8 = 155.5 lbs, July 9 = 154 lbs.

N'ever

Every weigh-in at Weight Watchers is the same, I have no idea if the scale is going to show whether I have lost weight or not.  This week I did really well at eating fewer number of points per day than the 26 minimum required, but then on Saturday I ate 75 pistachios that used up those leftover points and some weekly points too.*  Every morning I weighed myself and was 160 lbs, then Sunday and Monday I weighed 164 lbs!

[*UPDATE:  Read the label on the pistachios container and discovered 49 pistachios is one ounce serving of 140 calories, so I seriously over-counted the number of points for what I actually ate.  I have to go back and re-figure out that whole week.  I'm eating way under (12-20 WW points per day) the 26 WW points I should eat each day and so I don't know why I'm not losing weight faster, the only thing I can figure out is that again I've been super stressed lately -- that always makes me gain weight.]

To make it worse I was going to eat no points on Monday to make sure the weight loss would still show up, but there was a family birthday and I made dinner and ate some too: whole wheat spaghetti with marinara, peas with butter, salad with fat-free dressing, plus angel food cake with fat-free frosting and raspberries.  That meant I used up all my points in one meal!  Monday night I measured my waist and it was 38", up an inch and a half too!!

Oddly, I have sciatica pain for two days too, and there is no reason for it, and its on the right side where I never had it before.  According to Louise Hay sciatica is about being hypocritical, fear of money and the future.  Pain is about guilt, because guilt always seeks punishment.  Right side of the body is about giving out, letting go, masculine energy, men, father.  Chant affirmations:  "All my relationships are loving and harmonious.  I release any desperation and allow love to find me.   I give out love and it is returned to me multiplied. I know that I deserve love and accept it now.  The more grateful I am the more reasons I find to be grateful.  I prosper wherever I turn."

Fat is about oversensitivity; represents fear and shows a need for protection. Fear may be a hidden anger and resistance to forgive.  Running away from feelings. Insecurity, self-rejection and seeking fulfillment.  Fat arms are anger at being denied love.  Fat belly anger at being denied nourishment.  Chant affirmations:  "I am safe.  It is safe to feel.  My feelings are normal and acceptable.  I love and approve of myself and I trust the process of life.  I am safe. I now discover how wonderful I am.  I choose to love and enjoy myself."

So I don't know what will happen with the weigh-in today.  It will piss me off if I show no weight loss considering that I always eat less than half my weekly points, and get exercise almost every day.  Who knows?  The scale is beyond logic, at least beyond my logic.  I must lose 6+ lbs per month!

I do know that I have to add weight resistance exercises in order to build muscle, to need more kcals per day, and also because a fitness trainer explained that although aerobic exercise continues to burn fat for 2-3 hours after exercising, weight lifting continues to burn fat for 1-2 days after exercising.

So Tuesday official Weight Watchers weigh-in is 164 lbs, up .4 lbs.  GRrrrrr
My first thing in the morning home scale is 163 lbs. Omron scale is 163.8 lbs, 28.1 BMI, 43.4% body fat, 23.9% muscle, visceral fat is 9, and need to eat 1438 kcals per day to maintain my weight.  Measurements:
Bust 44.25"
Rib 35"
Waist 36.75"
Hips 40.5"
Bicep 12.5"right
Thigh 21.5"right  

Unprecedented

Well Tuesday is my Weight Watchers meeting.  With a Weight Watchers Meeting starting weight of 174.2  and my weigh-in on Tuesday of 169 that equals an unprecedented 5.2 lbs lose!!!!!

I have never lost that much in one week before.   I'm very happy.  It's so encouraging to love a program as much as I love this Weight Watchers program and to be so successful too.  Very encouraging.

So encouraging that I bought their 10 minute resistance band exercise video, so first thing in the morning i can start out with that 10 minute exercise.  Then walk and run at lunch.  When I think about exercise I think running to lose weight but my boss who is very slim suggested I work out with weights that is what she does everyday at lunch.

She's right.  So I'm starting with the resistance band exercise and walking (and running) to not stress out my muscles too much.  But even the 1/2 hour walk everyday helps.  So adding more walking and gentle running should hopefully prevent against weight gain like has happened in past when I've started some new exercise program.  Gentle is the way, at least for me, for now.

Unprecedented weight loss.

Oh and its Thursday today and my scale says I weigh 164 lbs which is the first time I reached that weight on my scale too.  So the needle really is going in the right direction.  Yes I am excited again.

To compare with Omron scale results in past:  weight is 166.2 lbs, BMI of 28.5    Body fat is 45.5%  Muscle is 22.5%, I need 1445 calories to maintain my current weight, Visceral fat is 9.
Measurements:
Bust 44.75"
Rib 35"
Waist 37.5"
Hip 40.5"
Bicep right 13"
Thigh right 22.25"

Community Week 7

Well I've started working out with weights as of Saturday.   I'm an apple shape so hold a lot of weight in my abdomen, sides, back, shoulders and arms.  There is no way to spot reduce I'm told.   Well that's not going to stop me from trying. 

Ok, yes I will keep reducing what I eat aiming for less than 1200 calories a day.  Ok I will keep trying to reduce my appetite, reduce my portion sizes, fight binge eating when I'm feeling stressed.  Yes last week I stress ate a lot; and this week I paid for it by gaining weight.  GRRRRRR!!!

So anyway I've started going to a gym to work out my upper body on weight machines. Discovered the the new inspirtion of seeing slim women with small bottoms working out and telling myself I'm gong to look more like that by next year.  That's great inspiration.  Thank you all small bottomed women who work out at the gym!

I started a pilates class this morning.  I'm enjoying activity for maybe the first time in my life.  I'm excited to see what changes I can create in my body.   With the knowledge that my body will lose where it wants to lose and I just have to keep eating less -- to a reaasonable point that is.

Omron weight 170.2 lbs, 29.2 BMI 44.7% fat, 9 visceral fat, 23.6% muscle, need 1466 kcal to maintain weight.

Weight 170.5.!!! Grrrrr!
Bust 45"
Rib 35"
Waist 38.5"
Hip 41.25"
Bicep 13" right

Thigh 22" right

July 1, 2012 addendum: Community Weight Race 172 lbs, waist 37.5".

Skin

What is worrying me, now that I've lost over 50 lbs (with another 50 to go), is what I call flabby skin.  Searching the internet its most often referred to as excess, loose skin.  So my tummy looks like I've had a baby, but unfortunately it is due to years of obesity.  I am now embarrassed by droopy, old-looking, flying squirrel arms, and wrinkly, saggy skin on my tummy pouch.

So what can I do about it?  I mean, what can I do about it lovingly and naturally?

Well many sites explain that it just takes time, it is caused by fat, so continue to lose fat.  Here are the main tips:

* Continue to lose fat.

* Moisturize a lot.

* Detoxify every way, sweat, dry brush skin, massage, sauna, go organic.

* Drink water. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. 

* Feed yourself nutritiously, lots of greens, use vitamin and mineral supplements.

The more fat you lose combined with the more muscle you build, the more your skin will tighten up.  Its not loose skin, its fat under the skin that you need to lose.

Tone the muscles in your body to help lose more fat.  Weight-bearing exercise to tone, aerobic exercise to sweat. Sweat helps to eliminate toxins.  Bathe with sea salts and minerals to nourish skin.

Time and proper resistance training will tighten you up by increasing muscle strength and size.  Two to seven years is what it takes to tighten up after a weight loss of about 100 pounds.  Be patient and continue to eat a proper diet to lose fat while toning muscle.

Drink 100-200 cal. of protein before or after toning muscles with exercise while drinking lots of water to stay hydrated. Exfoliate afterwards with dry skin brushing, then moisturize with skin tightening creams that contain aloe vera, hyaluronic acid, yeast extract, soy protein, vitamin C, E and A to increase the collagen and elastin formation in skin.

p.s. 7 July 2012.  Reading about the supplement MSM as a terrific detoxifier that really restores elasticity to skin, joints, etc.  Its supposed to work like a miracle. But the key is to restore health with great nutrition and to continually detoxify with exercise, massage, etc.  19 tips (skip #20). 

Community Week 2

I joined a community weight loss challenge to end in April. I had a weigh-in and fitness testing. Results were that I could sit and reach 21cm which is poor flexibility.  I could do 5 girl push-ups which is fair upper body strength; and 1 min wall squat which is excellent lower body strength.

Have reduced calories up to 1200 per day so that I can lose weight, following the HSGD plan roughly.  Will work on building muscle to increase calories needed per day to maintain weight, and will start to work on flexibility due to fitness test results.

Need to eat more filling veg and fruit as per the Dr Fuhrman progam to stave off hunger and weird food cravings, also need to drink lots of water to stay hydrated, flush fat, but MOST IMPORTANT to keep skin moist and prevent flabby skin.  The ultimate goal is to regain "my girlfriend has the nicest hips".

Omron scale 171 lbs, 29.4 BMI, 44.3% fat, 9 visceral fat, 23.9% muscle, need 1473 kcalories to maintain.

Weight today: 169 lbs
Bust 44.25"
Rib 35.5"
Waist 37.5"
Hips 40.75"
Bicep 13.25"right
Thigh 22.75"right

July 1, 2012 addendum: Community Weight Race weight 173.7 lbs, 39" waist.

HSGDplan

My goal is to reduce my daily calorie consumption from 1500 calories a day to 1200 calories a day so that I will be able to stop plateauing and start losing weight.

 I found a copy of the 30-day Healthy Skinny Girl Diet plan and here it is:

Because of Dr Fuhrman I know how to fill up with lots of nutritious food -- eating lots of vegetables, especially dark green vegetables, and fruit, beans, etc.  So I do not have to worry about malnutrition for certain.  And I may not have to worry about feeling hungry, I hope.  We'll see. 

I reserve the right on any day to eat up to 1200 calories just because I want to; but I'll try to keep it down to the daily limit or else exercise enough to be able to subtract calories to equal the daily limit.

I have a do-able exercise plan, too (this in addition to one daily walk in the evening):  

* First thing every morning do 10 push-ups, 10 sit-ups, and walk around the block.  

* Tuesday through Thursday lunchtime walk or run for 45 minutes at the track.

* Three to five nights a week follow 1 exercise dvd of my choice.

Challenge

A friend sent this very motivating video:  23 and 1/2 hours: What is the single best thing we can do for our health?

Doctor Mike Evans cleverly poses a personal challenge to combat sitting disease:  Can you limit your sleeping and sitting to just 23 and 1/2 hours per day?

This fall I have been walking with friends at lunchtime and it was fun while we talked, very fun.  But when my walking partners had other things to do, then I'd go by myself and felt bored just walking around the track.

I've been collecting motivating pictures about running on the Pinterest website.  These pictures mentally offered  a new challenge.  So I started by just trying to run half way around the track.  I did it twice the first day.  I was so proud of myself!  So the next time I ran all the way around the track!  It really was an effort and cleared out my lungs.

Then I'd walk one, run one, etc. running a little more each time.  Well yesterday I finally worked up to running 1 mile steady!!!! Thats 8 laps!   I walked 2 laps, ran 8 laps, walked 2 laps, ran 8 laps, walked 2 laps.  It makes me feel like an athlete, and my lungs feel cleaner than they have ever felt in my life and that is what keeps me going back.  I love that feeling!

Today I finally reached the 160s also - 169.5 lbs so that is reason to celebrate too. (Update:  18 Dec - 168.5.)

Insomnia

I can't sleep.  Tomorrow morning is the court date when if we had agreed on an equitable solution, our divorce would be made final.  We haven't agreed.

I realized I only have jeans in my closet.  I want to be respectful so I needed a pair of dressier pants.  I ran to the store for one half hour to find an outfit for court.

I bought a special outfit in a smaller size for the first court date too -Rewards post.  That time size 16W gray jeans and a size 1x jewel neck asymmetrical color block sweater both by Evan-Picone.

This time I found two outfits to choose from.  First a rose tone herringbone jacket and flared slacks suit by Evan-Picone with a plum t-shirt by Izod; and the second outfit is a pair of gray jeans with a ballet pink elbow sleeve boxy sweater both by Relativity.

I tried both outfits on at home and the more casual sweater with gray jeans felt more comfortable, and looked dressy enough with simple jewelry.  So I'll return the herringbone suit.

The coolest thing is I snugly, squished into size 12 and a couple size medium (8-10) jackets too.  That's super duper way cool!

The second size 40DD bra that didn't fit two weeks ago, almost fits now.  So finally I can relax knowing I have one pink and two lacy beige dress bras, and one pink cotton sport bra that fits.  That's terrific!

I just really want to start losing pounds of weight because this plateauing is driving me nuts.  Although I guess as long as my body is changing shape, as long as I'm losing inches, that's got to be good enough for now.

UPDATE:   Court date postponed until next year.  At lunch today I ran one and 1/2 miles and walked one mile.  Last week I ran the one and 1/2 miles in 4 sets of 3 laps, today I ran it in 3 sets of 4 laps.  Eight laps is one mile. Now my lungs feel clean.  I love that feeling. 

Near

I'm so near to meeting half of my weight loss goal, of losing 50 lbs, that I can taste it.  I'm late too,  I wanted to met this goal by August, whereas in my 2-year plan the goal for November was 156 lbs. I have these weird reactions to getting close to a big goal -- I tend to hover over that weight for too long until I just get really frustrated and really make a big push towards losing enough weight to just meet that goal and then continue losing at a more normal rate again.  It's almost like I'm afraid to meet that goal.

So the goal I next want to meet is 170 lbs.  This morning I'm at 172 lbs.  I just want to meet and then get lower than that weight by 5-10 lbs so that I can feel secure that I have finally met that goal and surpassed it.

I started walking around a track with people at work. It's fun to have someone to talk to.  But sometimes they couldn't make it so then I was bored just walking around by myself so started lightly, slowly jogging half way around the track just to see if I could.  The next week I started walking 2 laps, running 1 lap, etc.  I discovered that going around the track 8 times is 1 mile. So I made sure to run 8 laps.

This week I walked 2 laps, ran 2 laps.  Again I ran only 8 laps total,  so just one mile, but the workout was definately harder.  And my body is so sore.  I get sore in places it never occured to me a person would get sore from running.  I get sore mostly in my upper body, my arms, back, and my lungs!  My lungs feel so good after running.  They feel clean.  I love that feeling, but they feel scrubbed out clean, like the way my teeth feel after being cleaned by a dental hygenist.

I hope that running will help me meet and surpass my weight loss goals faster.  Fingers crossed.  Weight Loss Target Date Calculator.

The basic guide for figuring out how many calories you need each day is to take your weight and multiply it by 10.  So if you weight 220 then you need 2,200 calories to maintain that weight.  If you weigh 170 you need 1,700 calories.  Here is a  Calorie Needs Calculator.  Running burns 115 calories per mile.  Walking burns 80 calories per mile.  Active Calories Calculator.

One more thing.  I've been thinking that for the first year, when I was in the category of obese, people really couldn't tell that I was losing weight.  It's only now, now that I'm in the category of overweight that people are starting to notice.  And that's ok, it's what I expected, but it is more encouraging to have people notice now.

Habits

Man oh man is it ever easy to fall out of good habits and slip back into bad habits.  A relative has been staying for the past two weeks and I stopped walking and running, stopped doing push-ups, stopped meditating.  I started eating cheese and breads, gained 2-5 lbs in 5 days, and now its going to be a struggle to get back to good habits.

At first I was eating the same as I have been to lose weight.  Until we spent whole days together, then I wanted her to feel comfortable so I let her choose when and where to eat while we gadded about driving and shopping.  At first I was careful choosing on omelet with no cheese and tap water,  but even eating at a restaurant instead of bringing a lunch of an apple and baby carrots is a big difference.  Then we went to a Mexican restaurant where I had a margarita and chips with my tostada, cheese enchilada, and beans plate.  My choices changed. I became less careful.

Luckily I'm participating in a weight loss challenge, so I'm highly motivated to lose those 2-5 pounds or MORE as quickly as possible!!!   I have to pay $1 for every pound I gain at the weekly weigh-in so I have to be super careful to exercise this weekend.  Will return to the vegan gluten-free diet.  I even started an herbal detox cleanse to help.   Fingers crossed I will be ok on weigh-in day.

Two books arrived during the visit of my houseguest that will hopefully help  with my exercise efforts, "Escape Your Shape" by Jackowski  and "The Body Shape Solution" by Savard.

I have an apple shape and the Jackowski book prescribes an exercise plan to help my figure look more fit and balanced; whereas the Savard book will explain the physiological reasons for my shape and offer dietary tips.  I plan to use them to start a new plan of action.  The Jackowski book recommends jumping rope but I might get a mini trampoline instead, as it would be more practical indoors, to avoid breaking ceiling fixtures with the rope.

One more update, at stores I pretty well fit into size Large (12-14) tops now, they are tight but they usually fit,  so squeezing into size 14 tops and size 12 pants and skirts.  Skirts. I miss wearing skirts.  I love skirts.

That is hard for me to believe since I weigh 175 and struggle to squeeze into a 40DD bra, but at least in stores, size 12 fits best on bottom.  That doesn't make sense, does it?  So I started trying on a bunch of old clothes from before I gained the first 60 pounds; from 1997 when I weighed 135 and a size 36DD bra.   I discovered in my old clothes I'm a size 14 bottom and top.  So the modern size 12 must be the same as an old size 14; that's the only thing that makes sense at least. Hmmmm?

Anyway weight loss is weird, in high school I got down from a size 34D to a size 34B bra when I lost 10 pounds to weigh 125 pounds. 

Choices

I weigh 174 today, so I've finally met my goal for July 2011.  That leaves me 3 months behind in my goals, but if I can get down to 169 by the end of this month then I'll be catching up. According to my 2-year plan this is where I should have been for the past few months:
June 2011 = 178 lbs
July 2011 = 174 lbs
August 2011 - 169 lbs ++
September 2011 = 165 lbs
October 2011 = 161 lbs.
November 2011 = 156 lbs.

I have started doing my 10 girl push-ups everyday.  Man, do they leave me tired, it takes several minutes to recover. 

I've been craving pie and coffee like crazy lately.  So I looked up recipes for gluten-free pie crust and I think I'll make myself an apple pie or custard pie today.  I've been craving eggs too, so maybe the custard pie would be the best choice, otherwise an apple crumble.


Watched the documentary Food Matters recently and its really been affecting my thoughts about health.  The documentary advised that 51% of daily food intake should be raw food.  As much food as possible should be organic so that you're taking in fewer toxins each day.  Lots of vitamins are safe, in fact two handfuls of cashews a day will provide enough niacin to keep depression away.  And daily physical activity as well as at least 2 liters of water a day is necessary to remove toxins each day.

Remembered  last year when I came up with my 2-year plan I wanted to start out easy, just dieting, not adding exercise because I knew I'd add exercise naturally as I became slimmer. I remembered how a workmate was taken off pain medicine and told to exercise. So she thought she would lose weight that way, I suspected she would not. So now a year later, I am much slimmer but she is not. I have tried exercise alone too and been so frustrated when it did not lead to any substantial or even noticable weight loss. I've read when people start exercising they start eating more to compensate. I think that's the danger that I have to be aware of as I start exercising more.


I'm pleased to be losing weight again. I feel so happy with my recent weight loss, but I do need to protect against muscle loss more than ever now. So lots of vitamins and lots of exercise, but also continueing to eat less. Just smarter choices, more organic, more superfoods. And more water to help with elimination of toxins.

Couples

Well since last week I weigh 175 lbs.  I've lost another pound this week, even though I'm eating very little and exercising about the same or maybe slightly more.  I am having trouble with constipation, so I'll have to see what I can do about that.

I am slipping into size large tops instead of extra large.  That's good.  And I forced myself into one of my two size 40DD bras, instead of my old 42DD. That's good too.  So maybe its time I start taking my measurements for measuring progress now, since weight loss seems to have slowed again.

I also really have to start exercising.  Trying on clothes, which I do when I start to feel like I might be moving down in size, gets me looking at my naked body in the store changing rooms.  My new mantra is "naked naked look good naked"  because I don't, but do feel closer to somewhat achievable now, as if its almost possible to hope for.  I mean I'm still 175 lbs, (my goal for July 2011 so I'm still 3 months behind), and lookng good naked is still a long ways away. But I like having that desire for it.  That can almost taste it, anticipation for it.

I keep reading how couples who exercise together are more likely to stay together.  So that's another goal, if I have a boyfriend I want to be sure we exercise together.  Its super important to me for getting fit and staying fit, and especially for my goal of looking good naked.  That's just super, super important.  I'm not sure why.

Fear

So Fear.  Most of the mistakes I've made were due to fear.  When feeling glum I've even told myself that I've ruined my life due to the choices I've made in fear.

F E A R .

The only thing to fear is . . .

How does fear figure into becoming fit?

In a way I could almost convince myself that fear could be a little bit useful, I suppose.  Fear of being alone due to being fat could be used as motivation to get and stay slim.

Really?

No. Not really.  In reality I've discovered that kind of fear just turns around and around causing more fear and causing me to maintain my weight or gain.  Fear is self-perpetuating.

So what's the alternative then?

Working it out, or at least trying to work it out.  Constantly trying.  When one method doesn't work, or stops working, or you just get bored with it, switch around and try a new method.  Just keep at it.  Keep having faith in the process of trying to work things out.

That process of working things out is like the mental equivalent to a physical work out.  It is its own reward.  It flexes those mental muscles and you learn new techniques that sometimes work or always work, or occassionally work, some might not work at all.  But all that effort is useful!  Very useful information.

So in the face of fear, let go, and instead trust in your own process of being able to work things out.  You might not have success with every effort, but the process is what is most important.

Keep working it out. 
Keep working out.

Run

Ok I went to a good shoe store and they taught me how to choose running shoes.

First I walked barefoot in the store so the salesclerk could see how I walked on my feet.  My walk is neutral.

Then she measured my foot size 8 medium.

Then the salesclerk brought 4 pairs of running shoes for my neutral walk.  She explained that she selected each of the size 9 shoes for my high arch.  She provided a pair of thick running socks and then let me try on each pair of shoes.

She said the most important quality is to find a pair of shoes that is most comfortable.  Some experienced runners prefer the lightest weight shoe they can find.  I prefer a light weight shoe.  She showed and explained, in detail, how to tie my laces for the snuggest fit.  How to lace running shoes.

So shoes in hand the next step is looking for exercise clothing that I feel comfortable in.

Personal experience has taught me that I do not like big, baggy t-shirts and too long sweatpants or yoga pants.  I'm not into showing off my huge bulging body but I'm not into looking like a blob either.

So I went shopping and happily found a skort (combination of skirt on top, shorts underneath) and capri pants that are gathered with elastic at the bottom hem, they are knit so both are size Medium.

I found quick-dry tops.  One long sleeve top and one short sleeve top, both size Large.  Plus I have a really nice zipper-front size X-Large sport jacket at work.

 I'd also like a zipper sweatshirt jacket or lightweight waterproof poncho with a hood for bad weather.

Exercise clothes that look soft and gentle, almost like ballet clothes, and not in loud, awful jungle insect colors are my favorite.  Soft fabrics, soft colors, flattering silhouette.  Running shoes in soft gray with dark neutral colored soles, if possible.  When I exercise I want to feel as attractive as I can but anyway. . . Just do it!

Means

What I'm thinking now is that the only thing that matters is losing weight.

Losing weight means that I will feel better about myself, I will regain self respect and pride.  That is what I need.  I need to learn to trust myself, stop second guessing everything.  

The means is losing weight; the end is gaining back trust in myself, pride and self respect.

New start.  Exercise the frustration and stress off.

Replace self doubts and feeling low and insecure with exercise.  Just take those bad feelings and lighten them up with whatever happens to a person when they take in more oxygen when they exercise and sing and garden.  

Love is like oxygen.  When feeling low, take in more oxygen.  Show myself love and I'll feel happier with the world.

Wheat

At the beginning of this month my Mom showed me an article in the Woman's World Weekly that promised a lose of up to 8-11 pounds in one week by going wheat-free!   I had just stayed with a good friend who has always been slim and she advised that gluten and cheese were the two most fattening foods she knows of.  So the prospect of losing 8-11 pounds in one week was too attractive to not try.  

I have been following the wheat-free, gluten-free diet for 2 weeks and have lost 7 pounds!  Starting weight was 188, now 181 pounds.  So not the promised headline results but still.  That's terrific!  I am going to keep doing this until it stops working.  But I hope it keeps working until I get down to the goal weight of 165 lbs. which is where I should be according to my modest weight loss progress chart. 

All I'm doing to change is eating lots of veggies and fruit and proteins.  Eating almost no dairy and greatly reduced carbs.  I still let myself have chocolate because that's my favorite treat, and have purchased special gluten-free wheat replacers for when I crave bread foods but eating lots of rice and bean dishes, lots of tofu.

This week I did make myself a wheat-free pizza and used only parmesan cheese as the cheese. However even that small amount of dairy caused a 2 pound weight gain over night.  So that makes me feel as if dairy really is something I need to avoid just as much or even moreseo than the wheat.  Dairy-free and wheat-free is what I need to strive for.

Fingers crossed I can get down to the goal weight of 165 pounds in 2 more weeks if I start adding vigorous cardio exercise everyday, minus one Sunday of rest each week.

Bike

I finally paid off and have brought home the bike that I put a deposit on back in June.

I wanted a bike, I've been craving bike riding for over a year.  I live in a lovely place with light traffic so bike riding feels like heaven.  In June I went to the local bike shop owned by the nicest people, the same shop where I purchased my first adult bike back when I was a teenager.

My first adult bike was a pretty 3-speed cruiser, yellow, with hand and foot brakes.  I bought a head and tail-light  that turned on with a generator that was powered by the wheel of the back tire turning round.

Unfortunately the next decade racing bikes took over the industry.   Racing bikes and those horrible have to bend down over them ram handle bars, and foot pedals that were metal hooks that you certainly could not ever push with bare feet, and you were too far off the ground to stop the bike both feet on the ground, either, teetering balancing at stop signs.  It was all too much for me.

The decade after that mountain bikes took over the industry.  More comfortable handle bars, tires that griped the road, hope took hold of me.  But one ride on a mountain bike and I was a spattered mess, covered all over  with wet mud from no fenders or chain guard.  Filthy mess, I was discouraged again.

I longed for my lovely first 3-speed sunny yellow cruiser of years long gone by.  I rode for miles on that bike.  I'm pretty sure I put on 40-50 miles a day on that bike one summer.  And it was all lovely and relaxing and fun.

So encouraged by recent bike blogs of people talking about the "Mary Poppins effect" of cars treating bikers more respectfully riding through the city in normal clothes on normal old-fashion cruiser bikes I went to the bike store and put down a deposit on the prettiest most romantic looking bike I could find.

Here is the picture of the basic bike for $450, before all the extras pushed the price up to $500.  A 2010 Trek Pure DLX Lowstep.  Add fenders, add back rack, add front wicker basket, and headlight and water bottle carrier and I have the bike of my dreams.  What do you think?

For exactly the same price I could have purchased the prettier and geek-factor cooler automatic computer-electric 3-speed gear shift,  2008 Giant Suede Coasting bike.  Basic cost was $450, add fenders, rear rack with panniers, front headlight bag and water bottle holder brings it to $500.  I'd sort of like to have both bikes but I'm not that rich yet.

p.s. I've valued both these bikes and it seems like loaded with all the extras mentioned above both bikes are worth closer to $1000.  So honestly I got a good deal, and those extras really help the value of the bike It seems I'm part of a recent wave of people who have longings for these romantic, sturdy bikes.  They are useful;  take them to the local farmers market and bring home oodles of goodies, sightsee the open country roads and small towns, bring along a picnic.

Fantasy

A friend told me of a past relationship that was like an ideal fantasy to him.

He dated a woman who wanted to gain weight.  So he'd go see her after work and they would do weight lifting and running, and then they'd come back home and eat lots of food.  Then they'd go to bed and get very little sleep, so they were both all bleary-eyed and tired the next day at work.

Coincidently I'd recently read an article in Natural Health magazine stating that couples who work out together, statistically have demonstrated longer lasting, stronger and more committed relationships.

I think that sounds like a lovely relationship to fantasize having too.  At least for a little while.