Chance

Virgin Mary at St Mary's Stanwell.

Prayer: Oh most beautiful flower of Mt Carmel, fruit wine splendorous of Heaven, Blessed Mother of the Son of God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in my necessity.  Oh Star of the Sea.  Help me and show me herein you are my mother.  Oh Holy Mother, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and Earth, I humbly beseech you from the bottom of my heart to succor me in my necessity.  There is none that can withstand your power.  Oh show me here you are my Mother.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Oh Mary conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to Thee.  Thank you for mercy towards me and mine.  Amen.

I feel so frustrated.  When am I going to be single again?  Single.  To look forward to what?  I don't know why I'm looking forward to being single, when I did love being married for a little while.

My husband spurned me, and I had given up hope for our relationship. I only had hope that if I survived him then I might be able to enjoy a few years alone, satisfied that at least I'd kept my vow of marriage to him.

Then I went to a reunion and felt physical memories in my body and hope began to stir up that the one who I have always loved, might care for me too.  So after much soul searching I gathered up the courage to file for divorce.

At last, we had our day in court and usually the judge makes a ruling within a few months, but we are still waiting. This whole process is taking an unusually long time.

The one who I have always loved, the one I refer to as my one pure true love, moved on to someone new while I am still sitting here in a purgatory.  So when the divorce does become final I have little in this world to look forward to, apart from just living out my days in a thinner body.

I do love having a slimmer body, it makes me feel like a human being again.

But my truth is that for him, my one pure true love, there was little risk for him, apart from his heart.  For me, who has so little security now, there was the risk of my heart, but also any financial security I have (health insurance, pension, low expenses), as well as losing the supportive base of family and friends.  So I did have more to lose, more to win too yes, but if I didn't win his devotion then I would have lost everything.  I told him I needed 2 years, but he stopped seeing me after one year.

Did I make the smarter choice by not gambling, by not quiting my job and moving closer to him?  Except that I didn't give myself a chance to win the greatest prize of all.  And yet if the one who I love really trusted me, should he have waited for me longer, and cared more about my security too?  I told him I'd need 2 years, but he gave me one, told me to stay away, then did wait 2 years before dating someone new.

And yet, I am left wondering what I did not give to him, that he would move on from me?  What did he need that I did not give him? I worry that he needed the reassurance that I loved and trusted him in the form of physical affection.  But I had so little confidence to begin with and then was subjected to continual heavy demands on my behaviour, that I don't think I had anything to give him, then.  I am in a much stronger place, I have it now to give to him, and only him.

We lacked enough trust in each other, didn't we?

p.s. I'm so desperately sad.  I have to do something to feel better, so I went shopping at my favorite second hand shop and bought 2 new skirts.  Guess what size they are?  Size 8!!  and size 4!!!!  --granted the size 4 skirt is made of stretchy lycra denim fabric, but holy moley that skirt is sexy. 

My one pure true love, I'm doing this all for you. You're missing out on all this.  I'm starting to look pretty good.  Please come back to me.