I talked to a counselor yesterday about my fears for the future. In the initial appt she just needed an overview of where I am and what I'm looking for, and she promised that she'll help me look at the coping mechanisms I've used in the past, to weed out what might no longer be useful, and to help me discover new coping mechanisms as well. Thank you. That is exactly what I was hoping for.
So I re-read all the old stuff on this blog referring to my one true love, weighing it up with the knowledge that he has been writing to me less often this past month, since his divorce became final. Maybe its just a coincidence that he is wanting to put more space between him and I at the the same time when he feels unfettered from his 2nd marriage commitment. Maybe its just coincidence, or maybe he was holding on to me when he was feeling desperate, and now that he feels more in control of his life again, he sees me as something he would like to get rid of too. That's my fear. I just now found the words to express the dread I've been feeling. I have no certainty of course, since he did not tell me that.
So if I have been a prize chump fool idiot, then yes I do feel hard-done-by. Yes I do have a chip on my shoulder.
But what good will that chip do me? If my fear is confirmed then I'm not the person who did that to him, he did it to me, its his chip, he should carry it.
So with the computer crashed, everything lost, all I can do is reboot. Right?
So I'll do my best to reboot. With a past full of hard and painful lessons; try to reimagine a different future, even if not as bright as I hoped then to be able to find something of value. I have no other choice really do I? Because what did the man who survived a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge say when he saw the surface of the bay water too quickly getting closer? "I really have a problem now!"
An alternative way to explain why my one true love changed from wanting to date me to no longer wanting to date me, maybe he's waiting for my divorce to become final. That's my hope, my faint, slight, tattered, cheesecloth hope. I get so desperate feeling when I fear I may have lost him forever. After all this time, to lose him again, its just so hard.
p.s. I just saw a bunch of pictures of me from this weekend. I look awful! You can't tell I've lost any weight at all yet! I've lost almost 60 lbs but I look the same. Why do I look different in the mirror? When will anyone other than me actually be able to see a difference? I want to look better! I want to be more daring and assertive too. When will it all get better? At least I'm successfully dieting. Grrrrrr, though.
So I re-read all the old stuff on this blog referring to my one true love, weighing it up with the knowledge that he has been writing to me less often this past month, since his divorce became final. Maybe its just a coincidence that he is wanting to put more space between him and I at the the same time when he feels unfettered from his 2nd marriage commitment. Maybe its just coincidence, or maybe he was holding on to me when he was feeling desperate, and now that he feels more in control of his life again, he sees me as something he would like to get rid of too. That's my fear. I just now found the words to express the dread I've been feeling. I have no certainty of course, since he did not tell me that.
So if I have been a prize chump fool idiot, then yes I do feel hard-done-by. Yes I do have a chip on my shoulder.
But what good will that chip do me? If my fear is confirmed then I'm not the person who did that to him, he did it to me, its his chip, he should carry it.
So with the computer crashed, everything lost, all I can do is reboot. Right?
So I'll do my best to reboot. With a past full of hard and painful lessons; try to reimagine a different future, even if not as bright as I hoped then to be able to find something of value. I have no other choice really do I? Because what did the man who survived a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge say when he saw the surface of the bay water too quickly getting closer? "I really have a problem now!"
An alternative way to explain why my one true love changed from wanting to date me to no longer wanting to date me, maybe he's waiting for my divorce to become final. That's my hope, my faint, slight, tattered, cheesecloth hope. I get so desperate feeling when I fear I may have lost him forever. After all this time, to lose him again, its just so hard.
p.s. I just saw a bunch of pictures of me from this weekend. I look awful! You can't tell I've lost any weight at all yet! I've lost almost 60 lbs but I look the same. Why do I look different in the mirror? When will anyone other than me actually be able to see a difference? I want to look better! I want to be more daring and assertive too. When will it all get better? At least I'm successfully dieting. Grrrrrr, though.
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