Another thing that has come up, is the need to sort things out.
The process of divorce is the process of sorting things out. There is mess all around me. In my parent's garage and in their basement. In my parent's upstairs bedroom. In my bedroom. In my car. In the house that we are getting ready to sell. Mess! Junk! All my stuff to sort.
I just need to sort through all the junk.
I really need to just get rid of everything even though I'm afraid to do that.
I really need to sort out my feelings.
I realize that I dated my husband while he was still married and slept in a bed that he shared with his wife. That never stopped bothering me.
I realize that now I work with one woman he's dating and see her at least once a week, and all my co-workers know of the situation too. So that is super humiliating, and makes me feel disorganized and distracted at work.
I realize that there isn't a city that I go to regularly where I might not run into some of his girlfriends. It's just ugly and horrible. I can't wipe the shame off of me because I'm still in it.
I realize that because I dated my husband while he was still married that I never felt like I could ask him about everything. I never felt like we could talk about anything. I realize going into a marriage without first establishing trust was really stupid for me.
The process of divorce is the process of sorting things out. There is mess all around me. In my parent's garage and in their basement. In my parent's upstairs bedroom. In my bedroom. In my car. In the house that we are getting ready to sell. Mess! Junk! All my stuff to sort.
I really need to just get rid of everything even though I'm afraid to do that.
I really need to sort out my feelings.
I realize that I dated my husband while he was still married and slept in a bed that he shared with his wife. That never stopped bothering me.
I realize that now I work with one woman he's dating and see her at least once a week, and all my co-workers know of the situation too. So that is super humiliating, and makes me feel disorganized and distracted at work.
I realize that there isn't a city that I go to regularly where I might not run into some of his girlfriends. It's just ugly and horrible. I can't wipe the shame off of me because I'm still in it.
I realize that because I dated my husband while he was still married that I never felt like I could ask him about everything. I never felt like we could talk about anything. I realize going into a marriage without first establishing trust was really stupid for me.
I realize that I need everything all conventional and legally established before I can move forward with anyone else. I'm someone who needs to know my status with someone else, feeling nervous about what I can and cannot say just leads to secrets. And secrets lead to lies.
So sorting, that is my job. Sorting my physical surroundings helps to sort my mind. So sorting needs to be done.
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If you think of the physical world as a metaphysical representation of your life, then I am someone who is really scattered and disorganized right now. I live in at least 4 houses: the house where my husband lives with all of his millions of girlfriends coming and going, the house we both abandoned and will put up for sale, the house where I live now, and the 4th house would be my car and office where I work. With stuff spread out everywhere. Its too much. You can keep piling more new stuff on top of it all, but its all just lost in the big, huge spread out mess. I really need to just ZEN-ify everythign. Clean it out, get rid of it, get back to as close to nothing as I can bear.
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