I have been feeling ill at ease lately; insecure. Had a dream last night that First Love really did love me and came back to me with his hard learned self discoveries. It turned out that something scared him back when we first dated, and whenever he's near me it causes him to spin away in a fearful reaction of me, but it was only because he didn't want to admit that he and I shared something that he has not wanted to face, but once he faced it, he was happy to come back and sort of apologize.
I was hesitant at first but he guided me through the emotional reactions to his revelations not with words but by letting me follow his actions. So as I gained confidence, trust in following his lead, I was shedding my defenses as well. And we ended up kissing and hugging intimately, deeply. The invitation to be lovers again was there, but I was awakened from the dream before it went any further. That dream soothed my heart to some extent. I am grateful to that dream.
The dream used the metaphor of a big modern architectural house that had been filled with large sculptural objects that First Love and I climbed up and on, in and out of. It was in that process where I learned to lay down my fears and let the protective old black scab of pain to fall away, allowing myself to trust him little by little. I had so much trepidation with the first hug, afraid I'd touch him and he'd pull away in a knee jerk reaction, instead he enveloped me within his arms in a loving embrace of full acceptance. It was such a relief, in real life I feel relief.
The dream was preceded by a realization when listening to NPR Chapter a Day story of a man who reared an owl from an egg. The story described how one month the baby owl displayed definate brooding behaviour, feathering her nest, but throughout the rest of her captive life she did not do that again. I remembered how when First Love and I moved to another city, I had so much trouble learning how to take care of myself. Once I came home and threw myself on the bed weeping, and the little kitten who lived in our apartment came to me and pressed her paw against my cheek. Such a tender and compassionate gesture. A year later I spent one whole day in bed staring at the walls. I think that scared First Love very much; it scared me.
Listening to the story of the broody owl illuminated that all I was suffering, was a little homesickness yes, but mostly I loved First Love so much that all I wanted to do was have babies with him. It's what I wanted more than anything else; but I have long been one to be afraid of my deepest loves and desires. I've denied them and refused to feed and nurture them. That fear of what I love most is what drove many decisions in life. That is what the dream was about.
I was hesitant at first but he guided me through the emotional reactions to his revelations not with words but by letting me follow his actions. So as I gained confidence, trust in following his lead, I was shedding my defenses as well. And we ended up kissing and hugging intimately, deeply. The invitation to be lovers again was there, but I was awakened from the dream before it went any further. That dream soothed my heart to some extent. I am grateful to that dream.
The dream used the metaphor of a big modern architectural house that had been filled with large sculptural objects that First Love and I climbed up and on, in and out of. It was in that process where I learned to lay down my fears and let the protective old black scab of pain to fall away, allowing myself to trust him little by little. I had so much trepidation with the first hug, afraid I'd touch him and he'd pull away in a knee jerk reaction, instead he enveloped me within his arms in a loving embrace of full acceptance. It was such a relief, in real life I feel relief.
The dream was preceded by a realization when listening to NPR Chapter a Day story of a man who reared an owl from an egg. The story described how one month the baby owl displayed definate brooding behaviour, feathering her nest, but throughout the rest of her captive life she did not do that again. I remembered how when First Love and I moved to another city, I had so much trouble learning how to take care of myself. Once I came home and threw myself on the bed weeping, and the little kitten who lived in our apartment came to me and pressed her paw against my cheek. Such a tender and compassionate gesture. A year later I spent one whole day in bed staring at the walls. I think that scared First Love very much; it scared me.
Listening to the story of the broody owl illuminated that all I was suffering, was a little homesickness yes, but mostly I loved First Love so much that all I wanted to do was have babies with him. It's what I wanted more than anything else; but I have long been one to be afraid of my deepest loves and desires. I've denied them and refused to feed and nurture them. That fear of what I love most is what drove many decisions in life. That is what the dream was about.
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