Since I've decided I can relax into believing in god, I've decided I can also practice trusting god. It's funny but a lifetime of denying my belief in god makes it hard to just accept and say I do believe in god and makes me question myself why I want to anyway. I guess this is just part of my journey and I might just as well accept it graciously.
I do want to believe in god though, because I always had, I think I was almost born with that belief -- born with the knowledge of god and my choice to enter the body I entered, the family I became part of. So choosing to believe in god feels like coming home; and yet, I've denied god for more years than I believed in god and so my skepticism is still strong. It helps to have believers around me, to remind me when to give things up to god.
Giving things up to god is partially why I choose to believe in god. It's such a relief to stop worrying about things I can't change and trust that all will work out as it should for the best of all. That does not mean I accept the notion that as a Christian god will grant me special favors, but it does mean that psychologically I have a reason to relax and allow the world to be the world without ruffling my feathers too much.
Giving things up to god means that when I don't get what I want, then I trust that they are things that were not good for me; that god has better things in store for me. That god closed a door to protect me. I choose to believe this because it allows me to remain hopeful for the future, and to be able to close the door to the past.
I still trip over feelings of loss for First Love, but if I repeat over and over "it is for the best" then I start to look for reasons why that might be true. I immediately remember First Love's sexual identity deviance - the way he enjoyed dressing up as a woman, the way the Ex also enjoyed that. I tell myself, "You see? It would not have worked out because I would not complement him very well at all. In fact he is the opposite of what I'm looking for. I'm an extremely feminine woman and seek a man who is very happy to be man -- that is who I complement".
And when Local Guy tells me he's going to call me for a date, but then I find out on facebook that his romance has bloomed with someone else instead, I look at her profile and realize that if he's attracted to her I'm glad it didn't work out between him and I because she is really skanky.
And when I can't get over being attracted to Scarey Guy even though I knew immediately we were not good for each other, I can go to his facebook page and be reminded time after time just how lucky I am that I told him right away that things were unfavorable for us going out.
When Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had says, "It's out of my hands, it's with a higher power." Then I immediately relax and allow the world to be the world, I stop worrying. And this is all a choice, but it's a choice that works better than anything else I've ever found to help me get over difficult situations.
Thank you to everyone who helped me see this choice is available to me.
I do want to believe in god though, because I always had, I think I was almost born with that belief -- born with the knowledge of god and my choice to enter the body I entered, the family I became part of. So choosing to believe in god feels like coming home; and yet, I've denied god for more years than I believed in god and so my skepticism is still strong. It helps to have believers around me, to remind me when to give things up to god.
Giving things up to god is partially why I choose to believe in god. It's such a relief to stop worrying about things I can't change and trust that all will work out as it should for the best of all. That does not mean I accept the notion that as a Christian god will grant me special favors, but it does mean that psychologically I have a reason to relax and allow the world to be the world without ruffling my feathers too much.
Giving things up to god means that when I don't get what I want, then I trust that they are things that were not good for me; that god has better things in store for me. That god closed a door to protect me. I choose to believe this because it allows me to remain hopeful for the future, and to be able to close the door to the past.
I still trip over feelings of loss for First Love, but if I repeat over and over "it is for the best" then I start to look for reasons why that might be true. I immediately remember First Love's sexual identity deviance - the way he enjoyed dressing up as a woman, the way the Ex also enjoyed that. I tell myself, "You see? It would not have worked out because I would not complement him very well at all. In fact he is the opposite of what I'm looking for. I'm an extremely feminine woman and seek a man who is very happy to be man -- that is who I complement".
And when Local Guy tells me he's going to call me for a date, but then I find out on facebook that his romance has bloomed with someone else instead, I look at her profile and realize that if he's attracted to her I'm glad it didn't work out between him and I because she is really skanky.
And when I can't get over being attracted to Scarey Guy even though I knew immediately we were not good for each other, I can go to his facebook page and be reminded time after time just how lucky I am that I told him right away that things were unfavorable for us going out.
When Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had says, "It's out of my hands, it's with a higher power." Then I immediately relax and allow the world to be the world, I stop worrying. And this is all a choice, but it's a choice that works better than anything else I've ever found to help me get over difficult situations.
Thank you to everyone who helped me see this choice is available to me.
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