When you learn meditation it teaches you to see your emotions and thoughts as clouds passing over a landscape. While clouds are part of a landscape, they are not the landscape. So please understand that when I say I'm angry, pleased, anxious or thankful, that I'm experiencing an emotion that is passing through me, it started and it will end, and it does not define me. Likewise when I have thoughts that trigger certain emotions I've learned I can change my thoughts to change my emotions too.
So when I say I'm angry and full of regret right now at myself for some decisions I made this past year, its indicating to me that I want to find some way of coming to peace with those decisions. I am looking for peace from that anger and regret.
Choosing to go to school in September 2012-June 2013 was the worst mistake I've made in a very long time. I was reeling in pain from losing First Love a second time, I was frustrated from a too long 2+ years long divorce, and I was taking advice from people who helped me in the past, and rebelling against someone who was helping me more than anyone else has ever helped me but who I resented because I relied on her so much.
It was a horrible choice for many reasons including 1. it was too expensive, 2. it took too much of my time, 3. it was physically too demanding. It resulted in 1. wasting about half of my annual income on something I did not need and will not use, 2. causing health crisis in myself and my family due to putting off health checks, stopped exercising, stopped preparing fresh food, and becoming ill, 3. gaining weight due to not being able to manage my time to include exercise and eating carefully, 4. damaging my rotator cuff so that now the chronic pain also interrupts my sleep and being injured has reduced my overall strength and wellness, 5. also it only pushed back the time that I now also have to deal with the tumbling of emotions that I was avoiding by starting school.
I hate my decision to go to school, and worse to stay in school when everything started falling apart, and therefore exasperating the injury to my shoulder, and weight control efforts. I'm just so angry at myself for all of this. Angry, angry, angry. I want to be thin again, I want to be able to hook my bra again without pain. Angry, angry, angry.
Choosing to go to school in September 2012-June 2013 was the worst mistake I've made in a very long time. I was reeling in pain from losing First Love a second time, I was frustrated from a too long 2+ years long divorce, and I was taking advice from people who helped me in the past, and rebelling against someone who was helping me more than anyone else has ever helped me but who I resented because I relied on her so much.
It was a horrible choice for many reasons including 1. it was too expensive, 2. it took too much of my time, 3. it was physically too demanding. It resulted in 1. wasting about half of my annual income on something I did not need and will not use, 2. causing health crisis in myself and my family due to putting off health checks, stopped exercising, stopped preparing fresh food, and becoming ill, 3. gaining weight due to not being able to manage my time to include exercise and eating carefully, 4. damaging my rotator cuff so that now the chronic pain also interrupts my sleep and being injured has reduced my overall strength and wellness, 5. also it only pushed back the time that I now also have to deal with the tumbling of emotions that I was avoiding by starting school.
I hate my decision to go to school, and worse to stay in school when everything started falling apart, and therefore exasperating the injury to my shoulder, and weight control efforts. I'm just so angry at myself for all of this. Angry, angry, angry. I want to be thin again, I want to be able to hook my bra again without pain. Angry, angry, angry.
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