I've been feeling very sad lately, since the divorce. I started the divorce with the hope that I might be able to reunite with my one true love; but after 5 dates in 2011 he stopped waiting for me and found someone new in July 2012. That shocked me almost more than anything in my life, except for the first time he left me.
That rejection really had my emotions and spirit reeling in a frenzy of deep pain of loss and regret. While still married I felt as if my life was on hold, as if everything had to play out, outside of my control, just sit and watch and wait; but the minute I was released from the marriage, the minute I walked out of divorce court, I drove directly to school and gave them my tuition payment. I'd only considered starting school 2 work days before.
Immediately got on a dating site and when that didn't lead to meeting anyone I started looking for an alternative site. Jackpot! I found a great site where I met lots of nice men, and went on several dates from September through January. But that site closed in January, which is disppointing, but luckily I'd already found the man who I am now dating long-distance.
So when that dating site went down, and when I'd exhausted myself to the point of becoming very ill trying to juggle dating and going to school full-time with working, also becoming a new home owner, well that's when things started to slow down enough for me to notice how sad I still was, even despite all those changes.
Then 2 weeks ago my dog became ill because from 2010 when I started the divorce till now I had neglected him. Having to take time out to specially care for him these past 2 weeks, establishing new healthy habits with him, has served to remind me how sad I am at where I am now, how I failed at the task I started in 2010 -- how I lost the love, I sought to gain.
Coincidently I'd cut my hair the week before my dog became ill, and had it cut much shorter than I wanted so that I could give my hair to charity. But I don't care about that charity really. The truth is that I loved my long hair, it made me feel sexy and attractive. I do not feel sexy with the new short hair -- short hair feels like I'm denying myself of real sensual pleasure.
Just as I cut my hair too short because I did not feel worthy of being sexy and attractive, I also lost my motivation to lose weight which also makes me feel sexy and attractive. Feeling worthy -- that is the crux of the issue.
Today even with all the things I have to be happy about, I'm facing just how unhappy I feel about losing my first love, again. It hurts so much. The words that come to mind are "it's killing me" but I don't want to feel those feelings, I don't want to acknowledge how deeply it hurts, I don't want for those words to come true.
So instead I will acknowledge the reason I'm having trouble losing weight, why I have in fact gained ~20 lbs, is because I so regret losing my first love. Why I cut my hair too short is because I regret losing my first love more than anything else in this life. I have to try to get through this deep pain so I must admit the truth, must express and acknowlege my grief:
That rejection really had my emotions and spirit reeling in a frenzy of deep pain of loss and regret. While still married I felt as if my life was on hold, as if everything had to play out, outside of my control, just sit and watch and wait; but the minute I was released from the marriage, the minute I walked out of divorce court, I drove directly to school and gave them my tuition payment. I'd only considered starting school 2 work days before.
Immediately got on a dating site and when that didn't lead to meeting anyone I started looking for an alternative site. Jackpot! I found a great site where I met lots of nice men, and went on several dates from September through January. But that site closed in January, which is disppointing, but luckily I'd already found the man who I am now dating long-distance.
So when that dating site went down, and when I'd exhausted myself to the point of becoming very ill trying to juggle dating and going to school full-time with working, also becoming a new home owner, well that's when things started to slow down enough for me to notice how sad I still was, even despite all those changes.
Then 2 weeks ago my dog became ill because from 2010 when I started the divorce till now I had neglected him. Having to take time out to specially care for him these past 2 weeks, establishing new healthy habits with him, has served to remind me how sad I am at where I am now, how I failed at the task I started in 2010 -- how I lost the love, I sought to gain.
Coincidently I'd cut my hair the week before my dog became ill, and had it cut much shorter than I wanted so that I could give my hair to charity. But I don't care about that charity really. The truth is that I loved my long hair, it made me feel sexy and attractive. I do not feel sexy with the new short hair -- short hair feels like I'm denying myself of real sensual pleasure.
Just as I cut my hair too short because I did not feel worthy of being sexy and attractive, I also lost my motivation to lose weight which also makes me feel sexy and attractive. Feeling worthy -- that is the crux of the issue.
Today even with all the things I have to be happy about, I'm facing just how unhappy I feel about losing my first love, again. It hurts so much. The words that come to mind are "it's killing me" but I don't want to feel those feelings, I don't want to acknowledge how deeply it hurts, I don't want for those words to come true.
So instead I will acknowledge the reason I'm having trouble losing weight, why I have in fact gained ~20 lbs, is because I so regret losing my first love. Why I cut my hair too short is because I regret losing my first love more than anything else in this life. I have to try to get through this deep pain so I must admit the truth, must express and acknowlege my grief:
I loved you First Love, with all my heart.
I love you.
I don't know if I'll ever get over losing you.
I could have given everything to you, you are the only one I've met so far in this life who I can say that about. I was ready to give you my whole heart and body as soon as I was free to do so.
Why did you turn around and leave me?
Why didn't you trust me?
Why didn't you wait for me?
I love you.
I don't know if I'll ever get over losing you.
I could have given everything to you, you are the only one I've met so far in this life who I can say that about. I was ready to give you my whole heart and body as soon as I was free to do so.
Why did you turn around and leave me?
Why didn't you trust me?
Why didn't you wait for me?
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