Manchester

Dear Blog,

I met a new boy - Same Wavelength Man who from now on will be referred to as Manchester.  I don't know why I have such a strong attraction to this boy but my body is crying out to be with him.   I have NOT EVER felt anything stir in my right ovary, but my right ovary is stirring.   That feeling of extremely deep inside my womb joy is there.  I so hope that I can trust this feeling.  I so hope this boy is worthy of my affections.

I will refer to him as Manchester.  Manchester is nothing like I'm looking for now, he's more like what I was looking for when I was younger.  He's a musician artist.  Maybe poor.  Works solo.  Is prolific, which means he does it all the time; but at least most of his time is his own.  But working as an artist, I would be willing to bet he has no pension, no regular, dependable income.  But what do I know, I have not asked him.

I know my heart races when I think of him.  He makes me want to take better care of myself and it's been years since I've felt that way.

He gives me confidence to ask for things I had been too afraid to ask for but always wanted.

I've known him for a little more than a week, we're only pen-pals, never met in person, never even skyped and yet I'm starting to fall in love with him.  It's pretty scary.  Makes me want to cry.

My mom is against him, of course, oh and he is remarkably similar to my ex, except my ex was probably more financially stable or  higher earnings.  He lives in a city just a few miles north of where the ex was born, and grew up in  city just a few miles south of where my ex grew up.  They both have jobs in the arts, and interest in sciences.  They are the same sun sign.

Manchester was a bit of a waster in his youth when he did drugs; the ex did drugs too but he was at university and working, starting out his career. Manchester can be sort of a lad on facebook; but then I can be a 12-year unicorn loving pink and purple girl too.  I'm not picking on him. I'm trying to figure out what the hold is that he has on me.

I don't know where this will lead.  I have to careful that I don't waste my life on pipe dreams anymore.  But I have to have faith it will all be well if it's good for both of us.

Ok but I've written it down now.  Committed myself to blog.

Love xxxx

DOG PARTNER + RAT PARTNER: 72%

This couple shares many similarities: peace loving, independent and affectionate. The Rat is charming and hardworking while the Dog is loyal and considerate. However, this may lead to a dull relationship with too much compromise.

This union has the potential to be a very happy one. Mutual respect and mutual interests are the main hallmarks of this relationship, since both are extroverted but will respect one another to give each other the freedom necessary. Although the Rat may be more affectionate, the Dog will be diplomatic and easy-going enough to prevent petty bickering.

For a smoother relationship, as with all relationships, communication is key. As the Dog is a stickler for routine and quite set in its ways, the Rat has to give as much notice of changes of schedule as possible to the Dog in order to keep the peace. The Dog should also try to be more sensitive to the Rat’s emotions as the Rat often multitasks and gets stressed when things get out of control. Communicate what you need to each other and if you respond to each other’s needs, the relationship will thrive.

Measurements May 6, 2015: Bust 48" Waist 41" Hips: 47"   weight 212 lbs.

Veil

Well sadly Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had may have broken up with me tonight.  He's done this two other times and both those times I wondered if he was just doing it to manipulate me.

Happily I met someone new who even though its early stages, I feel on the same wavelength with him, in a way that I have never felt with anyone else.  It feels like such a relief. I hope that it works well for both of us.  I really like him  I'll refer to him as Same Wavelength Man. He sort of strikes me as the man I've been praying for.  He strikes me as a man I could love more deeply than anyone I've ever loved before.

I know very little about him so this is very premature, but I just know it feels different.

I am grateful that First Love threw me over, if it means that I get to have a deeper and more loving relationship than I have ever known.  I loved First Love deeply but he didn't love me as strongly and there was always a sense of unfinished business, until we met and dated again.  Now it feels like finished business, but a distasteful lesson.  A lesson that pushed me into god.

But with Same Wavelength Man .. . . I hope I'm right.  I hope however things work out, that they work out for the best.  We'll see.

Stereo

I asked Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had if he thought it was 51% likely or 51% unlikely that he would ever ask me to marry him.  He answered 51% unlikely.

I said that was very disappointing then I told him that I've been asked out by Old Friend.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had and I talked a lot about marriage and his fears and my experience, and we had a nice conversation about it.

Today we talked about it more, about how while I really like him, I can't live my life wanting someone to like me  more than they do.  I told him how I'd wasted a lot of time wanting First Love to care for me as much as I cared for him, and then when we had a second chance he threw me over just like he had the first time.  How I have to live in the real world, not my fantasies,  how I have to face reality.

I've been thinking about First Love in the midst of all this too.   It makes me feel humiliated that I liked him so much that I made a grand gesture to show him how much I cared about him, and how I wrote him such embarrassing emails.  I worry that he is not worthy of my strong feelings for him, and that he may have told people we both know that I was crazy.  I'm not crazy, but I was crazy for him.

I tried to warn him, although I'm sure he did not understand me, that I was really messed up from being married to Ex, and that I knew it would take at least 2 years for me to get back to being more balanced again.  First Love told me he'd would not wait 2 years for me, that he'd be an old man by then.  It took me over 2 years to get the divorce and in all that time I was getting better but it really took at least 4 years to have recovered from Ex.

 I feel much more balanced now, but a lot of that balance is due to dating Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had.  He calms me, he helps me accept myself and be more honest, less ashamed of everything I am, everything I do, more confident.  I really like Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, I really do wish he'd ask me to marry him.

But who knows?  Maybe Old Friend will help me feel even more confident and balanced.  I don't know.   We'll see what the future will bring.

Duvet

Full moon tonight.

Been thinking a lot about a lot lately.  Thinking about First Love, and being angry at him and yet grateful that I finally have resolution about that.  I still regret that I loved and lost him, but on the other hand, am grateful to have figured that he and I were a bad match.  Glad to have figured out I want, need, and deserve a more loving and trusting relationship than the one he and I had.

Still friends with Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had and wish he'd just ask me to marry him, but unexpectedly have been asked out by Old Friend.  Was very excited to date Old Friend, very excited, but not sure if we are a good match. We don't necessarily share common interests that are shared with Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had, and I like that we have shared interests.

Old Friend is much more like every other guy I've dated: very optimistic, very friendly, very fast-moving, very masculine in more aggressive ways, I imagine he would push or encourage me to do things he thinks are healthy and positive.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever had is unlike any other guy I've dated: much more slow-moving, much more quiet, still very masculine and aggressive in ways that would not hurt anyone, perhaps more genuinely optimistic, more thoughtful than anyone I've ever dated.  Encourages me but isn't too insistent on it.  But cheap perhaps, although he enjoys giving me presents and cards for holidays.

It's hard to know what to think.  I know Nicest Boyfriend better and I like that he's unlike anyone else I've ever dated.  On the other hand, Old Friend does spark excitement with me.  We'll see what happens.

If you like it, then you better put a ring on it.  

I want to get married, 

if anyone wants me to date them exclusively
then they better ask me to marry them first.

Steele

As promised, I've seen 50 Shades and was very confused by it, at first.  I have NOT read the books, so wasn't sure what to expect.  The story is of a 4.0 gpa grad student with the name Ana Steele.  "Pro-ana" is the phrase for pro anorexia, so I am wondering if the author chose the name to suggest that the main character might have anorexic tendencies of needing a lot of control in her life.  Steele suggests a steel carbine knife blade, strong as steel, used for cutting.

Anastasia meets a very rich and attractive business magnate (I hear the lyric "You are a magnet, and I am steel" playing in my imagination) and though she feels intimidated by him, he is intrigued by her obvious attraction to him.  He thinks he reads people well, but I think she intrigues him specifically because she beguiles him.

He courts her, he swoops her up like a true Dominant would, to protect her from putting herself at risk, ie. being drunk in a public bar.  When she wakes up the next morning in his bedroom he warns her with the sexiest line in the movie, "If you were mine, you wouldn't sit down for a week..."  Later he takes her on date flying her in his helicopter. Ok . . . so we know he is rich, attractive, man who literally can fly, he is so free and self-determined that he can fly, and oh yes, he's a Dominant who likes to protect and spank naughty girls.

If Ana wants to date him she is asked to sign a contract that identifies her as his submissive and lists rules and regulations she should follow or punishment will be earned.  Spoiler alert:  she does not sign the contract, but they continue to play anyway; and she submits to him spanking her even though she does not get turned on by it.

Christian Grey's name suggests that he is in need of redemption, of forgiveness for sins that are hidden, murky and grey.

I couldn't figure out what was going on this movie. Why was she in a relationship with him when she is obviously not into kinky fuckery herself, she is only doing it to stay with him?  Then I realize she is him, except she is a woman.  And women have been the chattel or possession of men for 1000s of years and only recently in the west have women the choice to be completely emancipated.  And Ana is emancipated, she is in complete control of herself and will not accept life on anyone else's terms but her own.  With very few women in history who have had the opportunity to be self-determined she is forging ahead and creating her own version of a free woman.  She is attracted to Christian's freedom she wants it for herself and she refuses to sign his contract naming her as submissive.  She is her own woman.

And that ladies, and gentlemen, is how I was able to make sense of the movie, 50 Shades of Grey.

Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie is opening tomorrow night.  I want to see that movie.  The trailer looks funny and sexy.   I think a lot of the trouble in the world of relationships comes from people not being honest about what really turns them on, and being afraid to play.

I recently watched the 2 Ted Talks by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love; they were so relevant.  In one she discussed the relationship between art and mysticism.  In the other she mentioned how women have been chattel of men for 1000s of years, and only recently have we become free.  We have no historic examples of free women to model ourselves after, we are creating our lives unfettered from old models.  Actually she said it, as if that was a bad thing, having no examples of free women to take advice from; but I'm choosing to see that it is an exciting birth too, the birth of the free woman after 1000s of years of servitude.  It's remarkable, and that realization is due entirely to Elizabeth Gilbert.

So I can choose to be romantically involved with a dominant man, I being a submissive woman, but by choice rather than the role being forced upon me.  It's wonderful.

That's what I see as the excitement behind  Fifty Shades of Grey the trilogy and the movie.  I've not read the books nor seen the film yet, but that is what I suspect is behind the excitement.

So we'll see. . . I hope to update this blog after I've seen the provocative film.

Tragedy

Tragedy struck in December 2014.

In the aftermath of tragedy there might be a reorganization of things.   If there is a reorganizaiton of things then I am afraid of the future.   I do not know how things will ever be good ever again. That may sound melodramatic, but if there is a reorganization then my dog and I maybe separated from those we love; and if we are separated he is going to have a very sad and different much, much lonlier life.  It will be worse for him than me.  

Please god, please protect us.   Please protect my dog.  Please protect those I love.  Please god.