Spell

I'm going to try to write a spell for what I'm looking for in a man, then do a ritual and see what happens.

Dear God,

What I'm looking for in a husband, please bring a man to me who is the one you wish for me, and bring me to him, as the one you wish for him. Please consider my wishes as well as his:

1. I wish for a married relationship in this lifetime with this man you choose, who is stronger and better than anyone I've ever known.

2. I wish for a positive, growing relationship with my husband that you choose for me, and for him, and our community as well.  A relationship that makes each of us stronger and better people as a couple than either of us could have been as singles.

3. I wish for our relationship to be one where we feel strong commitment to each other, where we give to each other freely with no strings attached , and by doing so win the heart of each other.

4. I wish for our relationship to endure throughout our lives growing stronger and more committed, more loving, caring, and adoring with each passing day.

5. Prepare each of us for a relationship with each other, then please bring us together when the time is right, and show us how we are good for each other, so we rush to each other recognizing that we are meant for each other.

6. I wish our relationship to me monogamous and living in the same home so that we can enjoy erotic and romantic interludes with each other that are frequent and deeply satisfying.

7. I wish our relationship is one of deep respect, honesty, and ever deepening love.

8.  Thank you god for making me the perfect rose for him, and he the perfect rose for me.  That I am the yin to his yang.  Thank you god for us coming to each other out of our seperate need for each other to scratch the other's itch.   The perfect mobius strip that is love.

9. Thank you god for making him a financially conservative man, who values stability as a basis for a very creative life.

10. Thank you god for making him a man who is natural leader in a calm, loving and generous way, allowing me to express my real nature, to be the one he adores and cherishes with all of his heart, just as I do him.  Where we live to please each other, and help our family, friends and neighbors generously.

Thank you God for manifesting my husband and our relationship in this lifetime.  Amen.

Gutted

Manchester broke up with me.  I adore him.

Now life is hard again, heavier, and dulls my capacity to take it all in sometimes, the evil sea of black swallowing the small islands of love and hope.

"No i dont wanna fall in love with you" the song wicked games by chris isaak is playing right now. The same song that inspired manchester's friends song, with some of the note sequences, winding, caught in branches, brought there by the winds, and whispering throughout that song. "Nobody loves no one"

Gosh God, you keep reassuring me its going to be ok. Is that what you told the mothers and babies walking into Auschwitz too?  "It's going to be ok."

Falling

Dear Blogger,

I am falling in love with Manchester.  I am falling in love with Manchester.  I don't know what to do.  He is treasure.  Everything I know about him makes me adore him, everything I learn about him makes me want to learn even more.

He is unlike the ordinary mortals in the world; he is magic.  He is real magic.  He is open and vulnerable and the sweetest man I've ever known.

I don't know what to do.

We met April 20, 2015 when he answered my lonely hearts ad.  What am I supposed to do with myself now?   I have a man who wants me as a booty call in the city where I live.  I have a man in the next state who I enjoy spending time with but lately he's too busy to spend time with me..  And now there is Manchester who lives on another continent.  What am I to do?

I am in no position to move at this time.  I don't have money to spend traveling.  Yet, I must meet him in real life, because what I feel for him is stronger than I've felt for anyone.

Manchester, god, ancestors, please lead me to where you want me to be and who you want me to be with.  I think Manchester is the man made for me, but you know better, I submit to your will god.  Please help me.  Thank you.

Self-talk

Do you think it's possible I could talk myself into being skinny and staying skinny forever?  I would really like to do that.  Let's see what advice others give on self-talk to be skinny forever.

Couldn't find any so I'll make up my own:
1. Good girls enjoy the feeling of being truely hungry.

2. Good girls enjoy hunger pangs.

3. Good girls prefer feeling hungry to feeling fat.

4. Good girls know feeling hungry means less stinky gas, less stinky poo, and more healthy activity.

5. Good girls are pro ana.

6.  Good girls deserve to look beautiful and sexy in clothes, and to be gorgeous and healthy.

Christian

I consider myself christian, but that is a deeply intimate relationship between myself and god, that is jealously guarded to prevent anyone who would wish to intercede; all (religious leaders, husbands, parents) must allow my personal relationship with god to take precedence over any relationship I might have with them.

My beliefs include a multidimensional universe that is inconceivable to our human understanding.  So I believe that made up human language of mathematics is one fairly clever way of defining and understanding the human perception of the material world.  But in addition our human bodies are so limited that I believe in the possibility of things such as ghosts, visions, and reincarnation.

So when either atheists or indoctrinated christians deny my beliefs and give their scientific or bible-based evidence for denying it, it has to be like water on a duck's back, let it trickle off, because as William Shakespeare so aptly put it: "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Skype

We finally skyped!  I've seen and heard and flirted with Manchester.  We were both shy and nervous.  I really like him.

I don't like that I really like him.  Because I don't know how on god's green earth we will ever be able to be together.  I just know I want to be with him.

I want to jump into his lap, I wanted to kiss the screen where his lips are.   I wanted to smell his skin.  I could see his eyes.  "What color are your eyes?  Are they grey? or green?" "They are hazel, sometimes gray, sometimes green. I don't know why they change."

My womb is aching for him tonight. I can't sleep.

Better pray for the best to happen for all of us: me, him, our families.  Why do I have such a strong pull towards him?

Manchester

Dear Blog,

I met a new boy - Same Wavelength Man who from now on will be referred to as Manchester.  I don't know why I have such a strong attraction to this boy but my body is crying out to be with him.   I have NOT EVER felt anything stir in my right ovary, but my right ovary is stirring.   That feeling of extremely deep inside my womb joy is there.  I so hope that I can trust this feeling.  I so hope this boy is worthy of my affections.

I will refer to him as Manchester.  Manchester is nothing like I'm looking for now, he's more like what I was looking for when I was younger.  He's a musician artist.  Maybe poor.  Works solo.  Is prolific, which means he does it all the time; but at least most of his time is his own.  But working as an artist, I would be willing to bet he has no pension, no regular, dependable income.  But what do I know, I have not asked him.

I know my heart races when I think of him.  He makes me want to take better care of myself and it's been years since I've felt that way.

He gives me confidence to ask for things I had been too afraid to ask for but always wanted.

I've known him for a little more than a week, we're only pen-pals, never met in person, never even skyped and yet I'm starting to fall in love with him.  It's pretty scary.  Makes me want to cry.

My mom is against him, of course, oh and he is remarkably similar to my ex, except my ex was probably more financially stable or  higher earnings.  He lives in a city just a few miles north of where the ex was born, and grew up in  city just a few miles south of where my ex grew up.  They both have jobs in the arts, and interest in sciences.  They are the same sun sign.

Manchester was a bit of a waster in his youth when he did drugs; the ex did drugs too but he was at university and working, starting out his career. Manchester can be sort of a lad on facebook; but then I can be a 12-year unicorn loving pink and purple girl too.  I'm not picking on him. I'm trying to figure out what the hold is that he has on me.

I don't know where this will lead.  I have to careful that I don't waste my life on pipe dreams anymore.  But I have to have faith it will all be well if it's good for both of us.

Ok but I've written it down now.  Committed myself to blog.

Love xxxx

DOG PARTNER + RAT PARTNER: 72%

This couple shares many similarities: peace loving, independent and affectionate. The Rat is charming and hardworking while the Dog is loyal and considerate. However, this may lead to a dull relationship with too much compromise.

This union has the potential to be a very happy one. Mutual respect and mutual interests are the main hallmarks of this relationship, since both are extroverted but will respect one another to give each other the freedom necessary. Although the Rat may be more affectionate, the Dog will be diplomatic and easy-going enough to prevent petty bickering.

For a smoother relationship, as with all relationships, communication is key. As the Dog is a stickler for routine and quite set in its ways, the Rat has to give as much notice of changes of schedule as possible to the Dog in order to keep the peace. The Dog should also try to be more sensitive to the Rat’s emotions as the Rat often multitasks and gets stressed when things get out of control. Communicate what you need to each other and if you respond to each other’s needs, the relationship will thrive.

Measurements May 6, 2015: Bust 48" Waist 41" Hips: 47"   weight 212 lbs.