Christian

This is the only public place I feel comfortable telling anyone I'm a Christian.  I was brought up Christian and feel most comfortable and safe with that title, and yet . . . I will not witness, nor proselytize, nor pretend as though I've ever read the Bible, will admit I'm ignorant of what it says.

So why am I Christian?  Because I identify with Christ and feel he's a protective force in my life.  I identify with the people in Christ's life.  He speaks to me directly sometimes and he makes sense.  I like what he stands for, forgiveness, and unconditional love, he stands for sacrifice.

The pieta is what helped me through the divorce.  When I was feeling sad and down-hearted for everything I was going through I came to the pieta and he reminded me how small my troubles were compared to those of others.  He let me see the world in balance again.  I love him, thank you!

Village

It takes a village to get me being healthy again.

For my birthday one friend bought me sexy underwear from Torrid.  Its really nice quality and I don't hate the way I look in it.  It inspired me.

Then a second friend showed me her new corset and sent me links to corset sites.  So i bought three! Haven't received them yet, but toying with the idea of doing corset training as made famous by Kim Kardashian. 

Its a form of body modification that involves moving the lower ribs in a little bit and rearranging your organs a bit, so you have to understand what you are doing and ear clean otherwise it could cause serious pain and possible injury.

So a third friend suggested I start eating clean right away instead of waiting till corsets arrive.  So did that!

Coincidently a fourth friend suggested we start walking on out lunch hour.  So we did three times last week.  Each day I was more tired than the previous day, it was clear I am very out of shape.

Just from eating clean and walking I lost 2 pounds.
From 221 pounds on Wednesday Jan 20
to 219 pounds on Saturday Jan 23.
Then i got the flu on Sunday and ate nothing,
Monday I took a day off work and when i tried eating had diarrhea, which though disgusting, meant I lost another 4 pounds
when I weighed myself on Tuesday  Jan 26 down to 215.
This morning January 28 I am down to 214.6 pounds.

When I measured my waist for a corset it was 42.5" before I started eating clean and walking.  Will report more as I measure and weigh self again!

Love, love, love becoming slim again!!!!

p.s. Plus I didn't mention the biggest motivator for wanting to lose weight is to be sexy for a particular boyfriend again, I'll refer to him as Mack.  That was what motivated me to want to lose weight in the past too when I was successful; but this time its a different man, the only other man who has motivated me to want to lose weight.  That means something.  I want him to meet my parents, I want to learn about my parents, I want to be the best I can be for him.  I haven't ever felt exactly like this before. It is a singular reaction to a singular man.

Friday Jan 29 up to 215.6 pounds
Saturday Jan 30 up to 216.2 pounds

Sunday jan 31 down to 216 pounds

Monday feb 1 down to 215.2pounds

Tuesday feb 2 down to 215 pounds

Wednesday feb 3 down to 213.8 pounds.

UPDATE:  Returned all three corsets even though they were very pretty, very pretty! But due to feeling embarrassed for having them, and they didn't give me the wasp waist I sought.  Have since bought two corsets that I can wear underclothing and give me the waist I was hoping for.

Hood

Try, try, try again.  Im going to try yet again to stay motivated long enough to actually lose weight.

Have a new motivation, to go to a big halloween party in 2016 and want to look as nice as i can.

Have started planning my costumes, have 3-4 ideas now and will continue to work on them until i have it worked out.

Wearing my red pro ana bracelet to remind me that i need to be careful what i eat.

Will maybe work on short term goals too. 

First goal make a little red riding hood cape design and then make it.  A cape will fit any size and will look nice even if i wear a different costume.  First goal is create red cape.

I love me, i have to.  I have to bide my time till i meet the man who will make all this waiting worthwhile.

Forks over knives

Starting to transition to veganism more seriously now.  And now that I'm back up to the weight where I started this blog in 2010 I am hopefully going to start losing weight in earnest too.

So I found someone willing to "coach" me, he lives in another city but is very devoted to encouraging people to follow the Forks over Knives diet.

So starting today I'm working on following his advice.
1. Eat very low fat less; than 200 calories per day.
2. Eat 1/2 raw fruits and vegetables
3. Eat 1/2 cooked fruits and vegetables

Greedy

Now that i've been following weight watchers for long enough that I'm over the big hunger adjustment, and taking vitamins long enough to keep me feeling more satiated and stronger, and just feeling as if I'm taking better care of myself generally, now I'm starting to feel greedy to lose weight. Thats a good place to be.

But frustratingly, because of all the work stress I have this this time of year, every year, I gained a pound and a half.  That is very discouraging.  When I was working and trying so hard to be good.

Plus I cannot get over Manchester, I am still grieving him everyday, it just gets stronger instead of fading.  I have to pray constantly to get over my anxiety of losing him.  I just adored him.  Dear God if you take Manchester away from me you had better have someone a lot better in store for me, to replace him, because I knew him only 2 months, and my heart is just aching for him.  I don't know what to do.

I'm moving in two different directions simultaneously.  I have to pray at least once a day to calm down the anxiety in my heart that means I decided I might convert to Catholicism. Again turning to god as life becomes painful and disappointing again.  Then I am desperate to find someone as nice as him or better, so that means I am dating as many men at one time as I possibly can.  It's taking all my time and I think I don't like any of them very well.  I would rather spend the time with my family but I don't dare break up with any of them men because I'm feeling so desperately needy.

I have to keep thanking god that this happened, because if I don't I could waste too much time over someone who maybe thinks I'm annoying or who hates me, and I could be mooning over someone who doesn't even like me. or at least doesn't like me enough. I have to get over him. I have to move on. I spent over half my life mourning idiot First Love and ruined a potentially very good relationship with second boyfriend because I was still stuck on First Love, I'm so stupid.  I was so stupid.  Now I have to learn from that mistake, I have to believe it happened for the best, and move on with optimism that all will be as good or better in future.  The future is bright.  Thank you god.

Spell

I'm going to try to write a spell for what I'm looking for in a man, then do a ritual and see what happens.

Dear God,

What I'm looking for in a husband, please bring a man to me who is the one you wish for me, and bring me to him, as the one you wish for him. Please consider my wishes as well as his:

1. I wish for a married relationship in this lifetime with this man you choose, who is stronger and better than anyone I've ever known.

2. I wish for a positive, growing relationship with my husband that you choose for me, and for him, and our community as well.  A relationship that makes each of us stronger and better people as a couple than either of us could have been as singles.

3. I wish for our relationship to be one where we feel strong commitment to each other, where we give to each other freely with no strings attached , and by doing so win the heart of each other.

4. I wish for our relationship to endure throughout our lives growing stronger and more committed, more loving, caring, and adoring with each passing day.

5. Prepare each of us for a relationship with each other, then please bring us together when the time is right, and show us how we are good for each other, so we rush to each other recognizing that we are meant for each other.

6. I wish our relationship to me monogamous and living in the same home so that we can enjoy erotic and romantic interludes with each other that are frequent and deeply satisfying.

7. I wish our relationship is one of deep respect, honesty, and ever deepening love.

8.  Thank you god for making me the perfect rose for him, and he the perfect rose for me.  That I am the yin to his yang.  Thank you god for us coming to each other out of our seperate need for each other to scratch the other's itch.   The perfect mobius strip that is love.

9. Thank you god for making him a financially conservative man, who values stability as a basis for a very creative life.

10. Thank you god for making him a man who is natural leader in a calm, loving and generous way, allowing me to express my real nature, to be the one he adores and cherishes with all of his heart, just as I do him.  Where we live to please each other, and help our family, friends and neighbors generously.

Thank you God for manifesting my husband and our relationship in this lifetime.  Amen.

Gutted

Manchester broke up with me.  I adore him.

Now life is hard again, heavier, and dulls my capacity to take it all in sometimes, the evil sea of black swallowing the small islands of love and hope.

"No i dont wanna fall in love with you" the song wicked games by chris isaak is playing right now. The same song that inspired manchester's friends song, with some of the note sequences, winding, caught in branches, brought there by the winds, and whispering throughout that song. "Nobody loves no one"

Gosh God, you keep reassuring me its going to be ok. Is that what you told the mothers and babies walking into Auschwitz too?  "It's going to be ok."