Restart

New moon.  New START now.

It's July.  One week after the anniversary when First Boyfriend blew me off to start dating ugly Raggedy Andie - an ugly, tall, red head with bad taste.

Do I sound bitter?  The first time First Boyfriend blew me off when we were in our 20s was the hardest time in my life.  Then last year he did it again.  So maybe I have bad judgement, huh?  I guess we are all entitled to our own mistakes; I have to forgive myself, and him, but mostly myself.  Partly I do, I learned this second time that he most definately is a bad breaker-upper.  He makes you feel all loved and secure then out of nowhere, nowhere, he drops you cold.  Cold.  Stops communication ubruptly, no explanations.  He did that to me both times. 

I got to meet the girlfriend he dated in 2010 and he did the same thing to her.  Its so shocking.  And to a girl in her 20s in love for the first time, it was completely and utterly shattering to me.  No wonder I never got over him.  So with this second break up it was sort of gift to see what happened the first time, but with new more experienced eyes.  Tohelp  forgive myself, if I can, for ruining my life up till this point because I was pining over someone all my life who would do such a thing to me, and to other women too.  Still how could I be so stupid to have ruined my whole life just trying to get over him?  Its a lot to have to forgive myself for.

Oddly enough when we started being friends again in 2010 he asked my advice about that 2010 girlfriend; he had already broken up with her but she was angry and demanding he meet her for an explanation of why he broke up with her. I remember talking to him on the phone and very clearly thinking, "I have to be careful.  I have to give him the same advice I would want him to follow if he was talking to me."  So I told him to be honest with her and answer her questions to help her find closure.  He argued with me, he said no explanations help, they are all an insult and so its better to give no explanations.  When I became acquainted with her I never spoke with her about him very much; I could tell she still had feelings for him and I did too, so it was too close and too raw.

I am seeing someone nice. He is nice.  He lives too far away.  He says I'm "different" all the time; that kind of puts me off.  It's not like the first time someone has thought I was weird, in fact, that is my most frequent experience, actually.  I'm weird to many people, or they are weird to me and I mirror that -- I'm not sure how it all works.

I watched Oprah channel on Sunday with interviews of a singer named India Arie, the Secret of abundance encourager Wayne Dyer, and new age healer Caroline Myss.  They were all good interviews.  Very helpful, the singer India said things in such a way that really hit home, intensely personal and touching.  India Arie spoke of integrating the shadow self with her song "Break the Shell".  It was illuminating.  I have to listen to it more.  I wish I could see that interview again.  Caroline Myss expounded on that by talking of archetypes, and learning from the archetypes that we identify with.  Wayne Dyer spoke of how we are a soul who is constantly inhabiting a new, ever changing,  body.  How the cells in our bodies change, every 7 years we have a totally new body.  Interesting the way those stories fit together.

So I have to start positive self talk now, today, this instant.

Fingers crossed to me and all of us.

Damp

I feel moldy and lost.  Humid and too warm. Ungrounded.  What I once believed; that rug has been pulled out from under me and I'm unfamiliar with the ground that I stand on.    Much of what I used to value and care about, no one around me values those same things.  The music and art I love are not understood and valued by those I now know.  Basic human values differ.  I'm in a foreign world.

Ok, since I feel lost I need a plan.  I'll start with what makes me feel good.  Being slim and working towards staying slim makes me feel good.  I feel confident in myself, and optimistic, and wear cute clothes.

I faced the scale. . . .starting point is 178 lbs.  Hear that world?!  I'm going to be slim! I'm going to make my first goal to reach 148 lbs by September 2013.  From there I'll decide what next to do.  This is a very aggressive 3-Month Plan:

May 2013 178 -->170
June 2013  170 --> 162
July 2013  162 --> 156
Aug 2013  156 --> 148
Sep 2013  148 --> ?   see where I am and assess from there.

Eventual long term goal is 115-121 lbs  or 18-23% body fat.

More goals are to eat healthy veg and fruit, take vitamins. Start daily walks. Weigh everyday. Drink lots of water.

A new goal is to do more exfoliation and moisturizing of my skin because it feels so good to the touch and makes me feel more attractive.  No more nail polish but yes to keeping nails manicured and buffed.

Countdown

With only a little more than a month of school left, I have to find a way to  look forward with optimism and hope.  I have to find a way to start dieting again, to lose fat and be slim.  To hope; to believe good things can and will still happen in future.

Soup

I am so hungry for gilled cheese and tomato soup -- GOOD home made tomato soup with grilled cheese.  I'll look up a recipe for delicious thick tomato bisque and buy some very good bread.  Yum!

Here is a vegetarian version of a recipe from Soup Co.  Creamy Tomato Soup.

4 Tbl unsalted butter
1 Spanish onion, chopped
1 carrot, chopped
1 stalk celery, chopped
5 Tbl all-purpose flour
4-1/2 C low-sodium vegetable broth
28 oz can whole, peeled tomatoes
3 parsley sprigs
1 bay leaf
1 C heavy cream
1-3/4 tsp kosher salt
freshly ground blak pepper

1.  Heat the butter in a large soup pot over medium-high heat.  Lower the heat to medium, ad the onion, carrots, celery, and garlic and cook, covered, stirring occasionally, until soft and fragrant, about 8 minutes.

2.  Stir in the flour and cook, stirring for 3 minutes.  Pour in the broth and crush the tomatoes through your fingers into the pan.  Bring to a boil while whisking constantly.  Tie the parsley springs, thyme, and bay leaf together with a piece of kitchen twine and add to the pot.  Lower the heat and simmer for 20 minutes.  Remove from the heat and let cool.

3. Remove and discard the herb bundle.  Working in batches, transfer the mixture to a blender and puree until smooth.  Return the puree to the pot and reheat over medium heat.

4. Whisk in the heavy cream, salt, and pepper, to taste.  Divide among warm soup bowls and serve immediately.

Fool

Today is April Fool's Day.

Today is the day I have to figure out some alternative to the continual chronic pain felt from losing First Love. 

Today is the day I have to figure out the lesson I should have learned the first time he left me, so that I can go on with my life making more healthy choices rather than continually, chronically the wrong choices.

Today is the day I have to figure out how to stop the regret of that which is past and move forward courageously with hope and optimism into the future.

Flow

I'm not sure if I've ever been in depression or if I've ever NOT been in depression, but I know that I wish I was still seeing the counselor I started seeing after First Love left me.  I stopped because Mom was driving me mad with her complaining about everything.  I just really need to see the counselor again and yet I don't have the time.

I hate that I cut my hair.  I hate that I no longer have long hair.  The only reason I cut it this short is becuase I thought it probably doesn't look good really, that it probably looks better when its shorter even though it really makes me very happy to have long hair.  It always has made me very happy to have long hair.  I love the few times when I've had long hair.

I just can't be happy today -- that's a song by the Damned that I'm listening to.  I'd forgotten about it until today.   It's stupid to be depressed, it makes me angry to be depressed and yet I can't seem to stop it.  Maybe if I'd go running.  I'd like to be able to cry, but I can't; maybe if I'd go running.

Maybe if I'd go running.

Maybe if I'd go running.

if I'd go running.

I'd go running.

go running!!!

Worth

I've been feeling very sad lately, since the divorce.  I started the divorce with the hope that I might be able to reunite with my one true love; but after 5 dates in 2011 he stopped waiting for me and found someone new in July 2012.  That shocked me almost more than anything in my life, except for the first time he left me.

That rejection really had my emotions and spirit reeling in a frenzy of deep pain of loss and regret.  While still married I felt as if my life was on hold, as if everything had to play out, outside of my control, just sit and watch and wait; but the minute I was released from the marriage, the minute I walked out of divorce court, I drove directly to school and gave them my tuition payment.  I'd only considered starting school 2 work days before.

Immediately got on a dating site and when that didn't lead to meeting anyone I started looking for an alternative site. Jackpot!  I found a great site where I met lots of nice men, and went on several dates from September through January.  But that site closed in January, which is disppointing, but luckily I'd already found the man who I am now dating long-distance.

So when that dating site went down, and when I'd exhausted myself to the point of becoming very ill trying to juggle dating and going to school full-time with working, also becoming a new home owner, well that's when things started to slow down enough for me to notice how sad I still was, even despite all those changes.

Then 2 weeks ago my dog became ill because from 2010 when I started the divorce till now I had neglected him.   Having to take time out to specially care for him these past 2 weeks, establishing new healthy habits with him, has served to remind me how sad I am at where I am now, how I failed at the task I started in 2010 -- how I lost the love, I sought to gain.

Coincidently I'd cut my hair the week before my dog became ill, and had it cut much shorter than I wanted so that I could give my hair to charity.  But I don't care about that charity really.  The truth is that I loved my long hair, it made me feel sexy and attractive.  I do not feel sexy with the new short hair -- short hair feels like I'm denying myself of real sensual pleasure.

Just as I cut my hair too short because I did not feel worthy of being sexy and attractive, I also lost my motivation to lose weight  which also makes me feel sexy and attractive.  Feeling worthy -- that is the crux of the issue.

Today even with all the things I have to be happy about, I'm facing just how unhappy I feel about losing my first love, again.  It hurts so much.  The words that come to mind are "it's killing me" but I don't want to feel those feelings, I don't want to acknowledge how deeply it hurts, I don't want for those words to come true.

So instead I will acknowledge the reason I'm having trouble losing weight, why I have in fact gained ~20 lbs, is because I so regret losing my first love. Why I cut my hair too short is because I regret losing my first love more than anything else in this life. I have to try to get through this deep pain so I must admit the truth, must express and acknowlege my grief:

I loved you First Love, with all my heart.
I love you.
I don't know if I'll ever get over losing you.
I could have given everything to you, you are the only one I've met so far in this life who I can say that about.  I was ready to give you my whole heart and body as soon as I was free to do so.
Why did you turn around and leave me?
Why didn't you trust me?
Why didn't you wait for me?