This is hopefully the last time I will try to sort this all out re. First Love.
First Love was very much like Ex. Very much like Ex.
Maybe that is what god was trying to tell me when First Love drove his VW Beetle right up behind Ex's VW Beetle. Same car. I looked at First Love and smiled with bemusement, he looked askance, Ex looked away in denial. Had I married First Love afterall? I have little or no anger towards Ex, I still have a lot of anger and un-sorted feelings for First Love. Why?
Here is what I know:
* I know Ex used his words in much the same way as the Wizard of Oz, "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."
* All those words of love he said to me, that I took so personally, he repeated exactly the same like a script to every other woman he dated. All those words were merely a script to seduce.
* Through the experience with Ex, I learned very well to judge a man by his actions and ignore his words.
* I know First Love was married when he made a pitch for me, when I was married too. He was married and feeling stuck like no one would date him. His fourth wife would not divorce him until he paid her back the money she lent to him. He had no intention of paying her back. He only wanted me when he thought he couldn't get anyone else. His attentions under those circusmastances were not very flattering to me.
* I have to remember that. I have to remember that no matter how much I think I like someone, I have to look at the whole reality of the situation, not just the way I want to see it.
I have to pay close attention to the man behind the curtain. I have to observe actions, turn a deaf ear to seductive words. I do have a tendency to be more aural than visual, so lucky I was born in America where culturally we tend to be more visual.
Sorting things out, with First Love, he was always demanding I change for him, and I liked that because I enjoy pleasing people who I have a strong affection for, but he knew he was too demanding of me. He knew anything I could do would never be enough. He forever disapproved of me. He knew I would make myself sick trying to please him; and perhaps he knew that would be destructive.
His current girlfriend (engaged to be his 5th wife) is someone who argues with him all the time and she is taller than him and kind of masculine too. She is someone who won't kowtow to him the way I would. I have to believe that he did me a favor by leaving me.
I craved a different ending, one that preserved my dignity. He refuses to end things in a way that will give the other person dignity. He just stops talking to them with no explanation, as if he expects them to be crazy and irrational when he breaks up with them. Of course, that makes a person feel like he thinks they are crazy and irrational, unworthy of a reasonable discussion, unworthy of being treated respectfully.
He did that to me the first time, and we argued about it in regards to someone else he had done it to, and then he did it to me again. It makes a person feel untrusted, it is a very hurtful slap in the face, on top of the pain of rejecting someone. It adds insult to injury.
He warned me that he thought it was unlikely he would ever date me again, but I continued to write emails to him everyday, and he continued to write emails to me everyday too. But he failed to mention he was dating women. I noticed the day that he posted "LIKE" Match.com on his facebook page, but he didn't say with words that he was actually going on dates; and I didn't ask. I had just sent him one of my daily emails, shortly later I noticed he changed his facebook status to "IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH LowLow Po'Donkey".
I felt so ugly, and stupid. But . . . thank you Toto.
First Love was very much like Ex. Very much like Ex.
Maybe that is what god was trying to tell me when First Love drove his VW Beetle right up behind Ex's VW Beetle. Same car. I looked at First Love and smiled with bemusement, he looked askance, Ex looked away in denial. Had I married First Love afterall? I have little or no anger towards Ex, I still have a lot of anger and un-sorted feelings for First Love. Why?
* I know Ex used his words in much the same way as the Wizard of Oz, "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."
* All those words of love he said to me, that I took so personally, he repeated exactly the same like a script to every other woman he dated. All those words were merely a script to seduce.
* Through the experience with Ex, I learned very well to judge a man by his actions and ignore his words.
* I know First Love was married when he made a pitch for me, when I was married too. He was married and feeling stuck like no one would date him. His fourth wife would not divorce him until he paid her back the money she lent to him. He had no intention of paying her back. He only wanted me when he thought he couldn't get anyone else. His attentions under those circusmastances were not very flattering to me.
* I have to remember that. I have to remember that no matter how much I think I like someone, I have to look at the whole reality of the situation, not just the way I want to see it.
I have to pay close attention to the man behind the curtain. I have to observe actions, turn a deaf ear to seductive words. I do have a tendency to be more aural than visual, so lucky I was born in America where culturally we tend to be more visual.
Sorting things out, with First Love, he was always demanding I change for him, and I liked that because I enjoy pleasing people who I have a strong affection for, but he knew he was too demanding of me. He knew anything I could do would never be enough. He forever disapproved of me. He knew I would make myself sick trying to please him; and perhaps he knew that would be destructive.
His current girlfriend (engaged to be his 5th wife) is someone who argues with him all the time and she is taller than him and kind of masculine too. She is someone who won't kowtow to him the way I would. I have to believe that he did me a favor by leaving me.
I craved a different ending, one that preserved my dignity. He refuses to end things in a way that will give the other person dignity. He just stops talking to them with no explanation, as if he expects them to be crazy and irrational when he breaks up with them. Of course, that makes a person feel like he thinks they are crazy and irrational, unworthy of a reasonable discussion, unworthy of being treated respectfully.
He did that to me the first time, and we argued about it in regards to someone else he had done it to, and then he did it to me again. It makes a person feel untrusted, it is a very hurtful slap in the face, on top of the pain of rejecting someone. It adds insult to injury.
I felt so ugly, and stupid. But . . . thank you Toto.
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