Palm

Since I've decided I can relax into believing in god, I've decided I can also practice trusting god.  It's funny but a lifetime of denying my belief in god makes it hard to just accept and say I do believe in god and makes me question myself why I want to anyway.  I guess this is just part of my journey and I might just as well accept it graciously.

I do want to believe in god though, because I always had, I think I was almost born with that belief -- born with the knowledge of god and my choice to enter the body I entered, the family I became part of.  So choosing to believe in god feels like coming home; and yet, I've denied god for more years than I believed in god and so my skepticism is still strong.   It helps to have believers around me, to remind me when to give things up to god.

Giving things up to god is partially why I choose to believe in god.  It's such a relief to stop worrying about things I can't change and trust that all will work out as it should for the best of all.  That does not mean I accept the notion that as a Christian god will grant me special favors, but it does mean that psychologically I have a reason to relax and allow the world to be the world without ruffling my feathers too much.

Giving things up to god means that when I don't get what I want, then I trust that they are things that were not good for me; that god has better things in store for me.   That god closed a door to protect me.   I choose to believe this because it allows me to remain hopeful for the future, and to be able to close the door to the past.

I still trip over feelings of loss for First Love, but if I repeat over and over "it is for the best" then I start to look for reasons why that might be true.  I immediately remember First Love's sexual identity deviance - the way he enjoyed dressing up as a woman, the way the Ex also enjoyed that.  I tell myself, "You see?  It would not have worked out because I would not complement him very well at all.  In fact he is the opposite of what I'm looking for.  I'm an extremely feminine woman and seek a man who is very happy to be man -- that is who I complement".

And when Local Guy tells me he's going to call me for a date, but then I find out on facebook that his romance has bloomed with someone else instead, I look at her profile and realize that if he's attracted to her I'm glad it didn't work out between him and I because she is really skanky.

And when I can't get over being attracted to Scarey Guy even though I knew immediately we were not good for each other, I can go to his facebook page and be reminded time after time just how lucky I am that I told him right away that things were unfavorable for us going out.

When Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had says, "It's out of my hands, it's with a higher power."  Then I immediately relax and allow the world to be the world, I stop worrying. And this is all a choice, but it's a choice that works better than anything else I've ever found to help me get over difficult situations.

Thank you to everyone who helped me see this choice is available to me.

Sisterhood

I remembered recently that when I was slim, it was almost as if I discovered a secret sisterhood among slim women.  It was thrilling to be accepted in that gentle, closeted herd.  I remember scouring a gas station mart for some snacks that were natural, fresh fruit or anything that would not contribute to weight gain.

I brought my bottle of water and banana up to the check out counter to pay for with my purchase of fill her up fuel for the car.  The check out clerk was a very slim woman she smiled and was very friendly.  I was always friendly when I was slim and loved dressing to show off my figure, subtly.

She struck up a conversation with me, sharing a secret.  "I found Kemps Single servings size cups ice cream in a whole bunch of flavors at Walmart.  I like to get one for a treat after working. I love the moose tracks flavor, and cherry fudge. They are about 300 calories."

That put me off. I thought that sounded like a lot of calories at the time, but I loved how she made me feel included in a secret club of women who understood the tricks and shared tips on staying slim.  It really did make me feel pretty, in a special secluded world of pretty women.  I want to be able to gain entry into the world again. And I want to let other women into the secret world too, just like the girl at the gas station did for me.

It was a striking memory, it made me feel special and grateful. Being slim was a constant struggle of looking for the few choices of healthy food that I could find where ever I went.  There were always just a few choices, sometimes only 1 or 2.  A bottle of water is usually available everywhere.  After that it's a matter of finding the least damaging choice. 

Hobo Band 10. bossy

Day 10 weight 206.6 lbs.

Weekend sleep in. Luxury.  It feels wonderful to finally take care of myself again after over a year of gaining weight.  Happy to do whatever it takes to keep this up, therefore following my own advice, for now.

Plan: plain veg and fruit is free; counting everything else aiming for 1000-1200 calories per day, including one handful of nuts.

Breakfast: smoothie

1 cup unsweetened almond milk -30 cal

splash of coffee -free

1 banana -free

1 Tbl cocoa -12 cal

1 Tbl flaxseed meal -30 cal

1-1/2 handfuls of baby kale -free

ice -free

Earthcrust Bakery pumpkin choc chip muffin -246 cal

Lunch: 1 handful of nuts -170 cal

Subway 6" veggie delite -162 cal

1 slice provolone cheese -50 cal

1 Tbl light mayonnaise -50 cal

Dinner: 1/2 Jacks cheese pizza -460 cal

2 chocolate covered strawberriea -56 cal

1 diet Coke

1 cup smoothie (1/4 cup coconut water -12 cal, pineapple, banana, kale, ice)

Snack: 2 oranges -free

1 serv Doritos -140 cal

Total number of calories: 1418.

Hobo Band -9.cold

Day 9 weigh 208 lbs.

It's cold here, below zero F, snow on the ground, hurts to hold the metal handle of the front door for very long.  Have always taken a shower in the morning but last year and this winter so far, its not comfortable to have even slightly damp hair outside.  May have to start showering in the evening and wake up with messy hair.  We'll see.  

Silver lining is that it burns more calories to keep the body warm.   My friend refuses to own a car; she bikes and walks everywhere (no public transport); she said that eating the same, exercising the same, every summer she gains 10 lbs, then loses it again in winter due to nothing more than having to keep her body warm when she's outside in this cold weather!!  That's amazing!

Plan: all plain veg and fruit is free; count all other calories aiming for 1000-1200 per day.

Breakfast: smoothie

1 Tbl Postum drink -30 cal

2 mints -40 cal

3 scoop Herbalife smoothie mix -135 cal

ice -free

Starbucks flourless chocolate cookie -170 cal

Lunch: Hardees onion rings -410 cal  (not vegan per this site: http://www.peta.org/living/food/chain-restaurants/)

diet Coke -free

Dinner: 1 Hardees salad -120 cal

2 ranch dressing -100 cal

1 Earthcrust Bakery pumpkin chocolate chip muffin -249 cal

1 handful nuts -170 cal

10 chocolate covered espresso beans -95 cal

1 diet Coke -free

Total calories for the day: 1519 (still felt hungry all day)

Fallopian

I've been feeling aching in my right fallopian tube all day today.  I'd felt in the past month quite strongly a few days too.   When I feel that aching I associate with First Love nowadays.  It's the left fallopian tube I could always feel everytime I ovulated on that side.  I didn't feel the right side, only the left.

Since feeling all the stuff I felt when First Love married ManClown Po'Donkey, I've associated that aching with him.  My feelings for him, I guess.   So I wonder what is going on.  Why do I keep feeling that aching lately?

Is he pulling away from me even more?   Am I trying to pull him back to me?  Or is thinking about me and he's pulling me closer to him?  I don't think so, I think it's all to do with my feelings about him, not vice versa.

It's interesting.  I don't know what to make of it though.

I'm working more hours at work lately, forever now.  That has really hurt my feelings in regards to missing my little dog.  I love him so much and am always so happy and anxious to get back home to him.   I hate spending less and less time with him.  And other family too.  oh well, that's life.

I feel lucky, as though I get whatever I ask for, or at least don't get what will be really bad for me and do get what I want most of the time.    Protected.   Maybe it's me just trying to be at peace with what is, but that's good enough.  I wish I'd had this philosophy when I was younger, it might have made things easier.

Nicest Boyfriend I've Ever Had said he's afraid to get married.  So that makes me feel sad, and sick to my stomach, and as if I need to start pulling away from him and start looking for someone new.  To that end I'm now on 3 dating sites and talking to 3 differnt men via messaging on those sites.  We'll see what happens.

Hobo Band -8.new

Day 8 weight is 208.2 lbs.

Starting a new schedule today.  End of an old era, beginning of a new one.  It means that I can add more exercise to the day.  Now to start organizing that.

Breakfast: Starbucks venti gingerbread latte -320 cal ($free reward so I had to get the venti size. and no I didn't ask for soy, so yes its factory farm dairy, the product of much animal suffering and environmental destruction, and while I might sound flippant, I'm not really.  Just trying to own up to what I'm supporting by purchasing it.)

Starbucks oatmeal with dried fruit and nuts -360 cal  (Holy Mackeral!!!! I need to become more organized in the morning so I don't have to resort to this too often)

Lunch:  Baby carrots -free

Red pepper hummus -180 cal

1 slice Pizza Hut large cheese pizza -290 cal

1 orange -free

Dinner: 1 cup Homemade veggie chili -80 cal

1 Pomegranate -free

Total calories for the day: 1320

Hobo Band -7.besides

Day 7 weigh-in at 208.8 lbs. (or later, 207 lbs)

Alright so besides counting calories and improving choices of what to eat, reducing highly processed carbohydrates, adding more veg and fruit to fight this strong hunger that has taken hold, reducing dairy because let's face it baby calves need their mothers milk but I don't and anything I can do to make the world a better place in the face of financially efficient but inhumane animal husbandry which simultaneously costs all us more because they are very inefficient of natural resources and poisoning the Earth (factory farms), besides drinking more precious water and reducing toxic diet Cokes, what else do I need to do?  

My body will thank me when I start increasing exercise, but honestly I just don't want to think about that until I've tackled the diet stuff for 2 full weeks.  I'm doing good for now.

Plan is plain veg and fruit are free but count calories of everything else aiming for 1000-1200 calories per day including one handful of nuts.  Plain veg and fruit is strictly defined as no grain (corn) and protein (beans), no juice or dried.

Breakfast: smoothie

1 cup unsweetened almond milk -30 cal

2 Tbl cocoa - 24 cal

1/4 cup coffee -free

2 handfuls baby kate -free

1 banana -free

ice -free

daily vitamin -free

2 choc covered strawberries -57 cal

Lunch: baby carrots -free

8 Tbl red pepper hummus -240 cal

Earthcrust Bakery pumpkin chocolate chip muffin -246 cal

Chia Kombucha -150 cal

Dinner: 2-1/2 cup homemade chili -200 cal

1 Earthcrust Bakery quinoa bun -170cal

2 jelly bellies -10 cal

Total calories for the day: 1127 (Yaay! A whole day with no diet Coke)