Well I've been plateauing at 172 lbs for weeks now. My weight just won't budge below that. Very frustrating.
Here is what is going on. I went to a meditation retreat last week, it was supposed to be my big vacation that I didn't have this summer. It was supposed to be for 3 days. However I had put off making an appointment to see my lawyer regarding my upcoming court date to finalize the divorce, so when I called to make an appointment there were only two dates available, I had to take both, and that meant leaving the meditation retreat after being there only one day.
The meditation retreat was brilliant!! It was so hard while I was there, I like to tell people who have never gone on a meditation retreat that I want to draw a cartoon of a person sitting on a cushion, doing nothing, with a thought bubble overhead that says "This is really hard work." Because it is. In fact, my legs were sore for a week afterwards, from doing nothing more than sitting. Then I tell people that the result of only one day of meditation is like when you walk through your house after you have just washed all the windows, everything is brighter and clearer. My focus is sharper. I look people in the eye more often when talking to them, I am more present, focusing on the other person. I am alert and attentive. That is what one day of meditation did for me.
The day of meditation started with one 35-min meditation, a 15-minute walking meditation or potty break, then a second 35-min meditation. In between those sets of meditation were longer breaks of different activities, most done in silence. There was a feeling of being compassionately supported by everyone at the retreat, while staying out of each others way. I felt safe, to stand and watch myself interacting in this community. Safe to watch myself struggling to stay awake and alert during the 35-min meditations. Struggling with myself in a community where everyone else was doing the same. By the end of the day I had struggled so long that I was almost at the point of surrendering into it. Almost there but not quite. I wish I had been able to surrender.
So even though it was a struggle, a real struggle, during the times of 35-min meditation, the pay off afterwards was so great that it feels almost addictive. I just really, really want to go back and do more. It does not feel nearly as good to meditate alone at home, but I want to really train myself to sit silently and quietly, so that I'm less of a disruption to others in the meditation hall. I want to be as motionless as the teachers in the hall. They look like statues, they have disciplined their bodies to obey their mind so well. The only way to achieve that is to practice, practice, practice.
But back to plateauing weight. What I've discovered is that when I'm highly stressed, my weight plateaus. Its nearly impossible to lose weight. First I have to fight the urge to binge, then even when I have been careful with my calories, the weight just stays there. If I give in to the binges then the my weight can increase dramatically! This past summer when I was so worried about meeting a deadline at work I gained first one pound a day, then two pounds a day for a week, until I finished that project. I gained 10 pounds in a week.
In the past, in 2007 when I was stressed about getting married I gained 60 pounds in one month! I see that now as a warning I should probably have heeded. But this past year since serving the petition to divorce till now I've been struggling with all the would haves, could haves, should haves in my past. I'm starting to just accept what I've done, try to stop being ashamed of my mistakes, and move forward with the knowledge that even if I'm making mistakes now, I'm doing the best I can. I can't see the future. I can't see where my decisions today are going to lead tomorrow. So if it ends up that I am choosing poorly, making more mistakes then that will be my sorrow. But for today all I can do is try to make the best decisions I can. I'm sorry future me, if I'm chosing wrong again, but I promise you, I am doing the best I can.
So in conclusion, stress alone, there must be some chemical hormonal reason, but stress alone causes me to hang on to weight, to plateau, as well as creating my desire to binge and that leads to super, super fast weight gain. Therefore I need to plan my diet for the next few days, use my natural, holistic appetite suppresants a little bit, and exercise to raise my mood. That's my plan for the next few days. I'll let you know if it works.
My sister had a friend who was natural psychic, she described negative self talk as a big, miserable, globular ghost that surrounds a person like a big, down blanket and says negative things to them constantly. It is possible to shrug off that ghost. It is possible to counter the negative words, and to tell yourself positive, encouraging words instead. I've done it in the past, when I was in college.
I'm trying again to give myself positive self talk now. I find the more I consciously treat myself with loving compassion, the easier it becomes. I can have compassion for myself and encourage myself. I can feel good about who I am even while acknowledging that just being alive on this world is a constant state of wanting and then feeling different degrees of pain depending on whether my wants are satisfied. Thats basic Buddhism. Its ok to admit that I can feel just as sad and wanting as every single living creature, every innocent baby, every flower.
Its ok to admit that we all have the same struggles as every other living creature on the planet even when we are relatively rich and priveledged compared to others. Having more than enough does not lead a person to needing less, a person will always need, but very often having more than enough leads to more anxiety, more fear of having to face a time of having less, more fear for a day when needs aren't met.
Having less does not lead a person to needing less, a person will always need. Having less than enough can teach us how to make do with less, can teach us that we can survive on a lot less, but anyone who has done it knows having less than enough is not pleasant either.
So we have to accept that as long as we are alive we have needs, and its good if we are able to choose to take just enough.
The whole planet is struggling with this right now. There are more humans than ever before and we have a huge capacity to change our environment. We are taking more and more away from fellow earth beings. It doesn't make us feel good to take so much. The only answer is to use what we need, but not more than what we need. And with that frame of mind, we can help the world, and that is what will satisfy us best. To know we have helped others, because we all need, every one of us. And we are here to help each other. We are alive and its good to be alive.
Here is what is going on. I went to a meditation retreat last week, it was supposed to be my big vacation that I didn't have this summer. It was supposed to be for 3 days. However I had put off making an appointment to see my lawyer regarding my upcoming court date to finalize the divorce, so when I called to make an appointment there were only two dates available, I had to take both, and that meant leaving the meditation retreat after being there only one day.
The day of meditation started with one 35-min meditation, a 15-minute walking meditation or potty break, then a second 35-min meditation. In between those sets of meditation were longer breaks of different activities, most done in silence. There was a feeling of being compassionately supported by everyone at the retreat, while staying out of each others way. I felt safe, to stand and watch myself interacting in this community. Safe to watch myself struggling to stay awake and alert during the 35-min meditations. Struggling with myself in a community where everyone else was doing the same. By the end of the day I had struggled so long that I was almost at the point of surrendering into it. Almost there but not quite. I wish I had been able to surrender.
So even though it was a struggle, a real struggle, during the times of 35-min meditation, the pay off afterwards was so great that it feels almost addictive. I just really, really want to go back and do more. It does not feel nearly as good to meditate alone at home, but I want to really train myself to sit silently and quietly, so that I'm less of a disruption to others in the meditation hall. I want to be as motionless as the teachers in the hall. They look like statues, they have disciplined their bodies to obey their mind so well. The only way to achieve that is to practice, practice, practice.
But back to plateauing weight. What I've discovered is that when I'm highly stressed, my weight plateaus. Its nearly impossible to lose weight. First I have to fight the urge to binge, then even when I have been careful with my calories, the weight just stays there. If I give in to the binges then the my weight can increase dramatically! This past summer when I was so worried about meeting a deadline at work I gained first one pound a day, then two pounds a day for a week, until I finished that project. I gained 10 pounds in a week.
In the past, in 2007 when I was stressed about getting married I gained 60 pounds in one month! I see that now as a warning I should probably have heeded. But this past year since serving the petition to divorce till now I've been struggling with all the would haves, could haves, should haves in my past. I'm starting to just accept what I've done, try to stop being ashamed of my mistakes, and move forward with the knowledge that even if I'm making mistakes now, I'm doing the best I can. I can't see the future. I can't see where my decisions today are going to lead tomorrow. So if it ends up that I am choosing poorly, making more mistakes then that will be my sorrow. But for today all I can do is try to make the best decisions I can. I'm sorry future me, if I'm chosing wrong again, but I promise you, I am doing the best I can.
So in conclusion, stress alone, there must be some chemical hormonal reason, but stress alone causes me to hang on to weight, to plateau, as well as creating my desire to binge and that leads to super, super fast weight gain. Therefore I need to plan my diet for the next few days, use my natural, holistic appetite suppresants a little bit, and exercise to raise my mood. That's my plan for the next few days. I'll let you know if it works.
My sister had a friend who was natural psychic, she described negative self talk as a big, miserable, globular ghost that surrounds a person like a big, down blanket and says negative things to them constantly. It is possible to shrug off that ghost. It is possible to counter the negative words, and to tell yourself positive, encouraging words instead. I've done it in the past, when I was in college.
Its ok to admit that we all have the same struggles as every other living creature on the planet even when we are relatively rich and priveledged compared to others. Having more than enough does not lead a person to needing less, a person will always need, but very often having more than enough leads to more anxiety, more fear of having to face a time of having less, more fear for a day when needs aren't met.
Having less does not lead a person to needing less, a person will always need. Having less than enough can teach us how to make do with less, can teach us that we can survive on a lot less, but anyone who has done it knows having less than enough is not pleasant either.
So we have to accept that as long as we are alive we have needs, and its good if we are able to choose to take just enough.
The whole planet is struggling with this right now. There are more humans than ever before and we have a huge capacity to change our environment. We are taking more and more away from fellow earth beings. It doesn't make us feel good to take so much. The only answer is to use what we need, but not more than what we need. And with that frame of mind, we can help the world, and that is what will satisfy us best. To know we have helped others, because we all need, every one of us. And we are here to help each other. We are alive and its good to be alive.
1 comment:
In the documentary Food Matters, one of the contributors proposed that eating two handfuls of cashews per day will alleviate depression. Just in case thats true, I believe in preventive medicine and I have one handful per day (about 8 cashews).
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