Thinking

I’ve been thinking a lot about this question:  what was I thinking in June, July and August when I was essentially not losing weight?  I still weigh 181 instead of the 165 where I should be according to my modest weight loss goal chart. This is what I realized:

I was thinking I’m afraid of change. 

I was feeling like I didn’t have much control over my life.

I was worried that maybe it’s a mistake to get a divorce; or if ironic fate would have it that I’d have spent all this energy on divorce and end up sad, alone and regretful. 

I was scared for the future, not knowing what would happen; not entirely convinced that things would get better after divorce. 

I was feeling harried and hassled emotionally by people around me who were trying to influence me to stay with him.

I was worried if things wouldn’t work out the way I hoped, then I would be left in the same boat as when married.

I was feeling like I didn’t have much control over my life.

I was thinking I’m afraid of  change. 

That’s it.

I guess I just felt out of control and scared.


But I decided that the only way for me to have control is to take it.  Just take control over my life. Bend myself to my will and my life will feel less scarey anyway.  It might not turn out the way I want still, but I’ll feel more empowered anway.  And I think it was that feeling out of control, having no power over the outcome that kept my laces untied so I kept tripping myself up.

So I decided I have to keep tying my laces.  Everyday, to stop tripping I need to tie my laces by:

1.        Have ice water when I wake up. 

2.        Do 7-minute  sit-ups every morning. 

3.       Do 20+minute meditation everyday (still doing only about every other day.)

4.       Walk dog everyday (which I do now anyway). 

5.        Brush my teeth everyday (which I’m still having to remind myself to do.)

6.       Alternate doing push-ups and elliptical or bike one day and yoga the next.

7.       Eat carefully every single meal, every single snack.

8.       Have ice water throughout day.

9.       When I need running shoes or whatever to go running or whatever, then buy them, don’t put it off as an excuse to not run.

10.   Imagine myself as a fashion model or athlete who depends on my body for my living; really try to think of my body as a precious object that I need to manage and maintain carefully as a way of uplifting my mood and helping me feel empowered.

So that’s what I was thinking and those are my new conclusions.