Settling

My unsettled heart might finally be calming down a little from the upset of losing First Love many years ago, by going through it again these past 2 years. 

The first time, the way First Love breaks up with people is very unsettling, very abrupt and unexpected.  One minute we are friends, the next he has turned away silently.  Then on top of that injury he adds the insult of offering no explanation why.  Nothing.  Dead silence.  So one's imagination runs wild. 

He and I argued about this when we first rekindled our friendship.  He argued nothing could be said as an explanation for breaking up that would not be insulting.  I argued that people, especially women, want to hear something that sounds sincere and true.  To gain some understanding or being reassured that they aren't viewed as too crazy to calmly accept the disappointing news. 

When First Love offers no explanation, just pulls up stakes and walks away, there is no sense of conclusion, just a never ending horizon of "Why? What did I do to make him treat me this way?"

I argued that I don't care what the reasons for the break up are, I just want a reason.  Not a made up reason, a real reason, even if it isn't logical.  I mean logic isn't a part of essential honest attraction. 

One time a guy broke up with me saying "You have a weird baby powder smell."   That was a strange comment, but one I  would never argue with, pheromones; not that I would have argued anyway.   I was just grateful that he honored me enough to explain his position in person.  We are still friends, there is mutual respect between us.

So maybe by seeing this through a second time, now that I'm older and more experienced, now I can see it with more understanding and maybe it does help me find some peace.  Not entirely because its still hard to accept that someone might not love me as much as I love them, that kind of rejection, big or small, has always a bit of a rub.

Now my more experienced self can explain to my young, tender heart that he had to leave because he didn't love me enough to stay.  And that is the truth, and it is a resolution to the question.  "Why?"  "Because he doesn't love you enough to stay.  I'm sorry."